we're pretty much just watching yelling about how much we love all the characters

Kate and Sci see "Godzilla" and disapprove of its life choices
  • Me: Hey, there's still a mom! That's a good-
  • Movie: No, there isn't.
  • Me: ARE YOU FRICKIN' KIDDING ME.
  • Movie: FRIDGE FRIDGE FRIDGE FRIDGE FRIDGE
  • Me: My expectations for this movie just went way, way, way down.
  • Movie: Skips forward 15 years
  • Me: What? Why?
  • Kate: Because Brian Cranston isn't the young hot ineffectual white guy that audiences demand.
  • Me: Did they name the kid after a car company?
  • Kate: Noms noms noms.
  • Me: What are you- Are you using your hand to pretend to eat the human characters?
  • Kate: The movie we're fifteen minutes in and no one's been eaten yet. I need to correct this.
  • Me: Stop that.
  • Kate: NOMS NOMS NOMS.
  • Me: Actually, you make sense. Here, I'll help. But just the annoying characters.
  • Kate: So, the humans.
  • Me: ... Yes.
  • Kate: Anyway, why is everyone speaking English in Japan?
  • Me: The Japanese love us loveable gaijin!
  • Kate: No. No, they do not.
  • Me: Okay, because Americans are lazy and don't like to read subtitles.
  • Kate: Far more likely.
  • Movie: Makin' bad choices all the livelong day
  • Me: Okay, if you've broken into a quarantined area, and proved that the quarantine is a massive cover up and conspiracy, surrounded by hundreds of guys with guns, maybe screaming how you will expose them as soon as you get loose is not a good plan. In that they can just kill you and leave your body by the side of the road and no one will ever know.
  • Kate: Oh, Logic, this movie has none.
  • Me: Just saying. Oh, look, an interesting, likeable character with actual personality.
  • Kate: And he's not ineffectual white guy, so he's going to die.
  • Me: Maybe-
  • Movie: Squish
  • Me: Aw, sadness. You were a nice guy, random military grunt 2746.
  • Movie: Don't worry, ineffectual white guy named after a car is still here!
  • Me: But I hate him.
  • Movie: Soon you will hate him more.
  • General: I am going to make bad decisions!
  • Me: Why is the military always so stupid in these movies? If Rhodey was in that room, he would be like, are you all out of your GODDAMN minds?
  • Kate: That seems like a better movie. Rhodey and Stacker Pentacost.
  • Me: Ooooo! And Carol! Punch that monster, Carol! And for science staff, we need scientists who can deal with science that'll kill ya. Jane.
  • Kate: And Bruce. He's an expert in Gamma radiation.
  • Me: OH GOD BRUCE AND NEWT IN THE SAME ROOM.
  • Kate: I want it.
  • Ken Watanabe: Godzilla is here to restore balance to nature!
  • Me: What are you basing this on?
  • Kate: Previous Godzilla movies.
  • Me: Well, okay, then. Oh, look, they're dropping in the military guys with parachutes.
  • Kate: Annnnnnd... SAM. Sam. Sam.
  • Me: Sam would be a better choice.
  • Monsters: show up briefly to fight, then movie takes them away again
  • Me: GODDAMMIT. Just. Stop. With the humans. Do not care. This movie isn't called: "Ineffectual White Military Dude Has Daddy Issues" it's called "GODZILLA" give me what the title promises.
  • Kate: Maybe they will be eaten.
  • Me: We are pretty much the worst people ever, you realize that, right?
  • Kate: This movie has given me no reason to care. About any of them.
  • Me: I'm actually more sympathetic towards the monsters.
  • Monsters: LOOK WE MADE ZE BABIES!
  • Me: Wow, this looks like the egg cache in "Finding Nemo" and now I really feel bad for the monsters, because ineffectual white guy (tm) is going to kill their babies and then the single father will have to take care of the one remaining one with the crippled wing.
  • Kate: MONSTER FIGHT.
  • Monsters: fighting
  • Me: And I'm now bored with this, because I've never liked the trope of 'lo, I am defeated, except I HAVE A POWER YOU NEVER SUSPECTED I HAD.'
  • Kate: Unless chain swords. When it's chain swords it's cool.
  • Me: Let's just skip the end and go watch Pacific Rim again. Riley got over his emotional stunted issues off screen.
  • Kate: Riley was better at this.
  • Ineffectual White Military Guy: Completely fails at his job.
  • Me: YOU HAD ONE GODDAMN JOB INEFFECTUAL WHITE GUY.
  • Kate: Did the bomb just go off?
  • Me: Yeah, the big whiteout there in the background.
  • Kate: So they just nuked San Francisco.
  • Me: Well, most of it was already broken.
  • (Ineffectual White Guy finds his son somehow. Son finds mom in giant stadium full of people.)
  • Me: What is up with the 'kids can magically find their parents' thing in movies? The number of times some kid has grabbed my pant leg thinking I'm mom disproves this concept.
  • Kate: You realize that kid grows up to be Newt, right?
  • Me: ... I accept this headcanon.
  • Movie: Ends abruptly. Get out. There will be no encore.
  • Me: Well, I think they ran out of film.
  • Kate: Or cares to give. So. Where does that fall on the chain of bad movies featuring ineffective white guys?
  • Me: Above "Battleship," below "Red Dawn."
  • Kate: "Red Dawn" was horrible.
  • Me: And Chris Hemsworth still did a good job with it.
  • (And we yell about how much we hated 'Red Dawn' for the rest of the credits)