we weep and we weep alone

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Me: The Lego movies teach people to be inclusive to people who are different than them, accepting people for who and what they are. 

My dad: “It’s also teaching and influencing the young people in this country to engage in activities they were not born into (being gay). Now when the children play with legos, they might think…do not try to teach our young children that it’s okay…”

Me

Fanfiction - Stealing Tomorrow (Chapter 8)

Chapter 8 – Master of Me

Edinburgh, Present day

Find me.

Find us.

There is only so much time a person can spend in equilibrium on a minuscule wire above an abyss. Soon enough the pull of gravity and the useable forces of the body will act towards an ending – may it be the fall to the crushing void; or the decision to risk taking a step forward, eventually coming as a victor on the other side.

Claire stood still, listening to the plea in Jamie’s voice, her breath coming superficial and laboured, as she had been running away from him for the entire duration of ten years. His eyes were hooded, preparing themselves to be denied. The skin of her forehead, where he had kissed her, tingled and throbbed, like the makings of a new heart, exposed and hopeful under her weak surface.

Not knowing if she was falling – or indeed starting a journey to the end of her crossing – Claire closed the space between them and kissed Jamie’s lips. The taste of him was almost the same, as she had just kissed him goodbye on the airport moments ago – inebriating and sweet, as apples coated in cinnamon and rich, dark, brown sugar. He kissed her back, offering her the gift of restraint, allowing her to go as deep as she wanted; to take only a parcel of him or everything at once. His tongue mastered Claire’s secrets - for it had been used to speak the truth in her heart for so long - and soon enough she was pressed against him, desperate and wanting.

Jamie took a step back, momentarily parting their mouths, so he could look into her eyes, his hands entangling on her unruly hair. Claire nuzzled his neck and kissed him there, her tongue darting to taste the salt and essence of his skin - sun and mist, like Scotland’s hills - relishing on the formed trail of goosebumps, testimony of his arousal.

“I want you so much I can scarcely breathe.” She whispered, her fists grabbing his shirt in demonstration, as their bodies gently swayed together. “I feel I’ll die without your touch, Jamie.”

“Then have me.” Jamie breathed out, almost choked. “Do with me as ye wish, mo nighean donn. Show me.”

Claire might be falling, for her entire body seemed reversed - her heart pumping outside her chest, drawn to him; her fingertips breathing like small greedy lungs, with the solidness and realness of him underneath them as saving air. But this was the only decision left – she could let go of anger, pain and resentment and help him find a pathway to redemption, where she could meet him with her nakedness; or she could turn her back on him, punishing him but tearing herself apart again, sole victor of a battle with no survivors.

Slowly but surely, she started to unbutton her blouse, her eyes never leaving his – she saw desire and fear there and knew it reflected her own. They had been lovers for so long, experts in what made the other scream and dissolve – but that knowledge too had been buried in boxes, locked away as useless, for there could never be another to make sense of it again. As she slid down her jeans, noticing how his eyes watched her appearing skin as a revelation of something holy, Claire realized that time and circumstance made strangers out of lovers – but the path still existed to be followed in reverse, possible to find again that common ground of shared intimacy.

Standing only in her underwear, Claire started to undress him. He barely moved and his breathing came shallow, as a drowning man welcoming the bliss of the last gush of cold water. His fingers brushed her neck, where a delicate silver chain had been revealed – hanging from it, and nestled against her heart as a secret lock ready to open it, was her silver wedding ring.

“I thought I’d never see it again.” He said in a quivering voice, bending to kiss the top of her breast next to it.

“I have been wearing it since the day I found you in the hospital.” Claire confessed, caressing the powerful muscles of his chest, taut and beautiful. “I had to.”

“Why?” Jamie asked, helping her as she struggled to free him of his trousers, his arousal ardent and evident between them.

“You know why.” Claire framed his face with her hands, looking into his eyes. “I never stopped loving you, Jamie. I was so angry – couldn’t wear it or even bear looking at it, because it reminded me of what I lost. But I’m as married to you now as I was the day you gave it to me. I wanted it close to me – I wanted you close.”

Jamie growled as a possessive animal, taking her on his embrace, as he ravished her mouth. His skilled hands, trembling but practiced, managed to free her of her bra. He roughly grabbed her by the buttocks and she held on to him, as he carried her to their old bedroom.

The room was bathed in shadows, as the soft moonlight filtered through the slightly opened curtains – blue as Jamie’s eyes, the colour Claire had picked. The intense blue that filled her dreams, where she could sleep and rest protected, where she could build her home.

He sat on the bed, taking her with him. They kissed thoroughly, famished like wild beasts, demanding retribution in a second for years of lost touches. Claire traced the pinkish lines of his recent scars, tender and salient as blooming mountains, and kissed the knuckles of his bandaged hand.

“Lay down.” Claire asked in a murmur and he obeyed, observing in adoration as she straddled him. Air hitching in her throat like a sob, she moved and he invaded her – or she invited him in, welcoming and ready, her body moulding to him like blessed and fragrant clay.

Jamie placed his hands on her hips, grounding her against him, but she swiftly took them away and trapped his wrists with her fingers, imprisoning him to the bed.

“You won’t touch me.” She commanded, their eyes locking. “Not until I say so. Do you understand me?”

“Aye.” Jamie moaned, as she rolled her hips on top of him in defiance of his self-assurance.

“I need you to understand, Jamie.” Claire closed her eyes, struggling not to allow the sensation of him inside her, hot and pulsing, to overwhelm her at once. “You have to surrender to me. To know that I am your master – and you’re mine. You have to leave this bed knowing that you belong here, with me. That I have your heart and you have mine – neither of us can live apart from each other.”

Yours.” He agreed, clenching his teeth as he fought the will to touch her, to have her pinned under him, dissolving and screaming his name. “Ye are the master of me, mo ghraidh. Command me – heal me, Claire.”

“No more lies, James Fraser.” She demanded with her voice and body, twisting herself in such a way that made him moan a faint “Ah”. “You can’t lie to me, ever again. Do it - and I’ll cut your balls out with the sharpest scalpel I have.”

Jamie’s hand raised from the sheets, escaping her control for a moment. His palm delicately covered her breast, shielding the place where her wedding ring touched her bared skin.

“Ye have my word. No more lies, Claire.” He vowed in a husky voice. If he was making a solemn promise over her beating heart or over the metal that had been forged in their love, Claire couldn’t say. But once upon a time they had been one and the same – precious to him beyond possibility of breaking.

“Come to me, Jamie.” She urged him, wildly rocking against him, as evanescent galaxies began to form on the periphery of her vision. “I’m here. I found you. I found you.” Claire repeated and his fingers finally entwined with hers, offering her his release as endless rain in a stormy sea.

****

Claire suddenly opened her eyes, immediately alert. Her heart – amazingly able to beat in such a frantic rhythm, after the demands of the last few hours – was hammering, the knowledge of Jamie’s absence from their bed haunting as an appearing ghost.

She rolled on her stomach and saw him, standing by the window like a statue carved in graphite, his hands bracing the window sill. He was naked, his ancient and newfound scars glowing like kisses of moonlight – and on his face tears shone like droplets of liquid wax from luminous candles, running freely as rivers rushing to the delta.

“Jamie.” Claire called his name softly, trying not to frighten him. She untangled herself from the crumpled sheets and walked to him. “What is it?”

“I was dreaming of ye.” He said, his voice a deep rasp. “I could hear yer voice in the house, but couldna find ye – I knew ye were drifting away from me, but I was powerless to stop it. I couldna force myself to open my eyes – so afraid it wasna a dream after all.”

She nodded - her heart aching with the knowledge of his pain and guilt – and touched his hand, squeezing his fingers in reassurance.

“It was just a dream, Jamie.” She told him. “I’m here now.”

“So many nights I wept in front of this window.” Jamie smiled tentatively, sadness and tenderness battling on his features. “I mourned the loss of what we had. I cried for I knew I wasna a whole man - and had lost all faith of ever becoming such a thing again. But now, my Sassenach…” He hugged her, bringing her closer to his still-warm body. “I weep of joy. I weep because I have a chance to redeem myself; to love ye and prove ye that ye alone hold all my heart.”

“It won’t be easy, Jamie.” Claire swallowed hard, her voice rough after their lovemaking. “We have a long way to go to become what we once were. It will take time and patience.”

“I ken that, Claire.” He caressed her cheek, his eyes fierce and intent. “And I’m willing to do as ye wish, until all my debts are paid.”

“My entire life I was so many things, Jamie.” Claire whispered softly. “Daughter for a short time. Niece for longer. Friend to some – Healer for many more. Student. Lover. Wife. Doctor. Surgeon.” She kissed the hollow of his throat, her lips coming alive with the intensity of the pulse that ran there. “But I was never as happy as I am here, in the darkness, with you – nameless.”

His fingers traced her, from brow to neck - learning her again, shaping her from his dreams - and he held the silver ring, the hope and longing in his voice caressing her in time with his hands.

“Will ye wear it again, Claire?” Jamie asked in a whisper.

He was offering her the choice he had denied her all those years ago. She had loved him once, with all her heart – and he had decided to abdicate of that love for her sake. Claire could still reject him; could still decide the past was too much to bear, even together. And there was the alternative - daunting and bright as the sky after the end of days - to accept the ring and all that went with it.

Looking through the glassed doors to the balcony, she saw it – a different vase, filled with blooming forget-me-nots; gently swaying on the night’s breeze, whispering to her of beginnings and promises. With astonishing clarity, she knew Jamie had took a seedling from her vase before he gave it to her in Boston – keeping it secure under his eyes, hopefully alive for her to retrieve it someday. Remembering her. Hoping.

Wordless, she took the chain from her neck and slid the ring back on her finger.


Note: After so much heartbreak, I’ll write a small Epilogue because I think you guys deserve some happy! :)

  • Artemis Fowl has 300 million dollars in bonds hidden under his own bed (emergency money?!) and is the most booby trapped place on Earth
  • Artemis bequeath his mother the department store on New York’s Fifth Avenue on her birthday (who does that??!)
  • Artemis gave Juliet Butler not only one–but three–sports cars and a lifetime subscription to the wrestling channel 
  • Artemis gave Butler the ownership of the apartments and the dojo
Solitude

The drums in the sky are banging
Pounding
Clashing
Like they’re announcing a
War approaching from the distant hills.
Echoing across the equator,
The earth below your feet shaking
So greatly that you know in your bones
That the people millions of miles away
Can feel it too.
The sky is on fire for
Seconds at a time.
Just flashes that illuminate the sky
More than the stars ever could.
The sky shows its jagged scars
In the these precious few moments
Where we see her healed wounds
And the marks they left.
The sky is beautiful
With her freckles
And scars
And her emotions that refused to be
Caged like a show animal in a circus.
When she rages we feel it
We tremble with the earth
And we weep with our sky
To let her know she is not alone
And maybe
Maybe
Because we needed someone to
Weep with us
So we too could know
That we are not alone

Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more

Don’t say – goodbye
Don’t say – I didn’t try…

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies
You told us
The hurt, the blame!

And we will weep
To be so alone
We are lost!
We can never go home

So in the end
I will be – what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say – goodbye
We say – you didn’t try…

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame!

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost!
You can never go home

How To Live (Romans 12:9-21)

Christian.

A tarnished word associated with hatred, hypocrisy, violence, conflict and strife. In my walk of faith there has always been struggle with understanding what it was to be a Christian. We as imperfect, flawed humans fail on the daily. But I have come to the conclusion that a Christian is marked not by what they do but what CHRIST HAS DONE and their faith in HIS finished work.

// Romans 12:9-10 // Let love be GENUINE (real, sacrificial, long-suffering, enduring, powerful, understanding, forgiving) Abhor what is evil, holdfast to what is good (Christ is the ONLY good one) Love one another with brotherly/sisterly affection. (Let your life be DEFINED by love for everyone for God has loved you first) OUTDO one another in showing HONOR. (Go that extra mile for others, not for your own gain).

Alive. 

The Spirit of God raised Christ from the dead and now resides in your heart if you believe. His spirit is the reassurance of your salvation. Eternity is secure in Him in life or death. That sounds absolutely insane; believe it. This is the great news we MUST share.

// Romans 12:11 // Do NOT be slothful (lazy) in zeal (passion for God’s kingdom here on earth) be FERVENT in The Spirit (walking in His promises, being aware of His presence and power) SERVE The Lord (in your thoughts, words, actions, when people are watching and when they aren’t)

Hope. 

A word that seems to be used in many various aspects of our lives that we desire to improve. “I hope it gets better, I hope I get paid more, I hope my grades improve, I hope my relationships improve.” We all need hope for the future and the greatest of all hopes is found in Christ. Our citizenship is in Heaven.

// Romans 12:12-13 // REJOICE (have joy) in Hope (of The Gospel and the saving grace of Christ) be PATIENT in tribulation (knowing that God has the victory) be CONSTANT in prayer (communication with God is vital- We can’t do life alone) Contribute (in time, effort, money, prayer) to the needs of the saints (anyone who follows Christ) Seek to show hospitality- for the sake of the gospel (buy them clothes, make them, let them stay in your house)

Bless. 

A lavishing of gifts - it can be physical, emotional or spiritual. We all have the ability to bless (to build up) or curse (to destroy). Choose to BLESS.

// Romans 12:14-16 // Bless those who persecute you (for the sake of Christ) Do NOT curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep. Live in harmony (peace, reconciliation) with one another. Do NOT be haughty, associate with the lowly (the lost, the broken, the poor, the needy, the misunderstood, the sorrowful ones, the marginalized)

Forgive…

as you have been forgiven. People will wrong you, and you will do wrong against people. So forgive freely for Christ has forgiven You. He did no wrong but on that cross He chose to bare our sin and shame. “It is finished” He said. He died but He rose to redeem us all. What a Savior!!!

// Romans 12:17-21 //

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him, if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I pray that the Gospel will be ever more evident every single day. May The grace of Jesus Christ and the love of God rest upon you as you continue to fight in the faith. 

Much love in Christ, 

Marc

I won’t go anywhere do you hear me
Either no one alone or both of us together do you hear me
This flower of the thunderstorm do you hear me
And of love
We have plucked once and forever do you hear me
And it can never blossom in any other way do you hear me
In any other earth on any other star do you hear me
That soul does not exist that air does not exist
That we have ourselves once touched do you hear me

And no gardener was ever so lucky in times past do you hear me

After so many winters and so many harsh winds do you hear me
As to make one flower sprout but only we do you hear me
In the middle of the sea
Out of love’s longing alone do you hear me
Have we raised an entire island do you hear me
With cavern s and coves and flowering cliffs
Listen-listen
Who is talking to the waters who is weeping-do you hear
Who is trying to find the other who is shouting-do you hear
It’s I who is talking, it’s I who is weeping do you hear me
I love you I love you do you hear me.

Odysseus Elytis, from “The Monogram,” The Sovereign Sun: Selected Poems (Temple Univ Pr, 1979)