we are so young and invincible

The frogs and their awkward high school phases

insert the *you know I had to do it to em* pic here

Dex: He was a sad emo boy. Without question. if asked though he’d say he was punk but…no. All you need to do is just picture the awkwardest, lankiest fourteen year old with an oversized black hand me down tee with super bright ginger hair and there ya go: teen dex. I have so much more to say here.

  •  he wrote angry song lyrics all over the knock off converse his mom paid good money for. She’s very disappointed in you William thats so irresponsible. 
    • also: wrote song lyrics and little emo symbols all over his arms with sharpie whenever he got bored in school. You’re poisoning your blood billy your mother is concerned
  • Wore heavy wool beanies all the time. Like even in the summer. He did it to cover his hair and the tips of his ears because he didn’t think red hair and big ears were punk and he was embarrassed.
  • keep in mind that dex was an active hockey player during this time. Was probably the captain of high school team and everything, but that didn’t stop him from getting chirped to hell for showing up to practice with his nails painted black from the polish he borrowed/stole from his cousin. 
    • Not to mention that one time that his goalie found a super embarrassing picture of dex from when he was first starting to come out of his emo little shell. For a full month his nickname was guyliner.
  • His older brother thought that Dex’s emo/punk phase was the funniest thing ever. He’s make fun of Dex for it all the time. This lead to several instances where Dex would yell ‘it’s not a phase!’ ‘no one understands me’ etc and then he’d lock himself in his room for an hour and blasted bad punk music from the 70s. 
  • Whenever he raised enough money to pay for something hockey or school related, hed buy it, but he’d always get a little sad after the purchase bc he really wanted to save up to get an eyebrow piercing one day
  • One good thing came out of this emo phase though! he learned to play guitar and he got really good. He also tried to start a garage band, but he didn’t have the social skills to acquire member for that said band. To this day he often daydreams about how awesome this band would have been.  CHOWDWR AND NURSEY BELOW >>

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You can find me in the kingdom...

GUYS IM SO DUMB. WE ARE SO DUMB. IM SO

BADLANDS IS A CONCEPt album. It’s a story. Stories go in order. So usually they start from beginning to end, yeah ?? BISHHHH NOT THIS ONE. FLIP IT. It starts with “I Walk the Line”, where you walk the line between the Badlands and the Outside. “Young Gods” you finally cross that line, you’re invincible, you’re running, you’re finally in the Badlands. From then on you’re in the Badlands until “Drive”. Where you finally just say “fuCK IT IM LEAVING”. “New Americana” is celebrating you’re out, you’re free. “Hold Me Down” shows you’re still lowkey struggling from being in the Badlands.

And then fINALLY WE GET TO “CASTLE”. Where you’re “headed straight for the castle” even tho “they’ve got the kingdom locked up”. But duuuude by the end of the song she’s won them over, the old ugly ass sitting on the throne is noTHING COMPARED TO WHO THEY WANNA MAKE QUEEN.

DUDE. SHE LITERALLY LITERALLY. I’M GOING TO EXPLODE. THIS WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. SHE ALREADY REVEALED THE NEXT ALBUM, THE NEXT ERA OF “HALSEY”.

It’s backwards. It was right in front of our eyes. I’m.

week four : friendship


For the first time ever, Alec walked into the Hunter’s Moon without Magnus by his side. He swallowed a groan when he didn’t catch sight of his warlock of a boyfriend,the latter having been the one who decided on where and when they should meet. Letting out a breath, Alec walked further into the venue, trying to convey both of Isabelle’s confidence and Jace’s nonchalance while matching it to his own indifference. He was aware of the sudden silence that had followed his arrival. Alec noticed the glowing glares of the wolves and heard the vampires hiss. Alec was aware that the faeries’ whispers were about him and rolled his eyes at the oblivious - and obvious - mundanes, staring at his unglamoured runes in awe. Alec allowed himself a sigh of relief when he reached the bar counter and caught sight of Maia’s curls. The young werewolf was busy tending to others patrons and had yet to notice him. A few steps away stood Bat, the newest - unfortunate - addition to Luke’s pack.

Alec found himself holding his breath when Bat looked away from the glass he was drying and in his direction. Bat’s eyes widened in recognition, his Apple Adam bobbing up and down before he decided to make his way to him, towel slung over his shoulder. Alec went to meet him, crossing both arms over the counter.

“Can I get you anything, sir?”

Biting back a laugh at the honorific, Alec cleaned his throats and, ignoring the curious eyes tracing the rune on his neck, leaned forward.

“I was supposed to meet Magnus here, I was wondering if you had seen him around tonight.”

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avenged sevenfold lyric starters

strength of the world

❛ My story starts the day they said ‘she can’t be found’. ❜
❛ The news so dark, heart stopped, I stood silent without a sound. ❜
❛ Cold-blooded, they suffered, shot down by outlaws after you. ❜
❛ Ice in my veins - for those who’ve died. ❜
❛ I’ve seen my family fade away, you’ve taken my whole life. ❜
❛ There’s nothing left to say. ❜
❛ Avenge the dead; killed all who crossed me in my path. ❜
❛ I never planned on coming back. ❜
❛ I want it, I need it, revenge is dripping from my teeth. ❜
❛ Need nothin’ to feel power and bring the killers to their knees. ❜
❛ Nothing to lose, vengeance to gain. ❜
❛ While I search for closure, I feel it no longer. ❜
❛ I stand before you; I’ll sin when I have to. ❜
❛ So far forever now alone, a greater punishment on me has been imposed. ❜
❛ A killer falling from the light, I’ll never be alright. ❜

save me

❛ They all know. ❜
❛ Sorry, did I wake your dreams? ❜
❛ Some questions run too deep. ❜
❛ We only wake up when we sleep. ❜
❛ Is it something we said to them? ❜
❛ I’m trapped in a vile world. ❜
❛ The endings are the same as every other. ❜
❛ We’re only here to die. ❜
❛ I can us some guiding light, some place to go. ❜
❛ If you hear me, let me know. ❜
❛ Why’d you close your eyes? Why can’t I shut mine? ❜
❛ Is it something we did to them? ❜
❛ Help me find my way. ❜
❛ No pulse inside of me. ❜
❛ Stone cold lips and heresy. ❜
❛ All lies into a degree, losing who I wanna be. ❜
❛ Some day you will find that sanity’s left us all blind. ❜
❛ They say all beauty must die, I say it just moves on. ❜
❛ Some day you will find insanity left us behind. ❜
❛ Tonight we all die young. ❜

so far away

❛ Never feared for anything. ❜
❛ Never shamed, but never free. ❜
❛ Live a life so endlessly. ❜
❛ Saw beyond what others see. ❜
❛ I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could. ❜
❛ Will you stay? ❜
❛ How do I live without the ones I love? ❜
❛ I have so much to say, but you’re so far away. ❜
❛ Plans of what our futures hold; foolish lies of growing old. ❜
❛ It seems we’re so invincible, the truth is so cold. ❜
❛ A final song, a last request. ❜
❛ Now and then I try to find a place in my mind where you can stay. ❜
❛ Sleep tight, I’m not afraid. ❜
❛ Lay away a place for me, cause as soon as I’m done I’ll be on my way. ❜
❛ I love you, you were ready. ❜
❛ The pain is strong and urges rise. ❜
❛ Your pain is gone, your hands untied. ❜
❛ So far away, and I need you to know. ❜

fiction

❛ Now I think I understand how this world can overcome a man. ❜
❛ In the end I gave my life for you. ❜
❛ Gave you all I had to give. ❜
❛ Found a place for me to rest my head. ❜
❛ While I may be hard to find, heard there’s peace just on the other side. ❜
❛ Not that I could, or that I would, let it burn. ❜
❛ Left this life to set me free. ❜
❛ Took a piece of you inside of me. ❜
❛ All this hurt can finally fade. ❜
❛ Promise me you’ll never feel afraid. ❜
❛ I hope it’s worth it. ❜
❛ I know you’ll find your own way when I’m not with you. ❜

This Feeling.

A/N: GIF NOT MINE! Now I give you all PART 4 OF WHITE BOY! ENJOY!

WARNING: CURSING YOU KNOW HOW SHAMLESS IS LOL

Part I: White Boy

Part II: Fucking Gallaghers

Part III: Is She Telling The Truth?

You awoke in your bedroom staring at the ceiling trying to find an answer, was she telling the truth? Did her and Carl really hook up again? You turned over to your side trying to close your eyes and get the imagine out of your head but it kept on going like if it was stuck on repeat.

Just the image of Carl and Dominique in bed together, it hurt you and you couldn’t fully understand why and before you could try and make up any reason you heard a soft knock at your door which caused you to turn and then it was wide open revealing a white- your white boy with his hair all in a mess, he combed it back and smiled at you.

Seeing him smile, it warmed your body but you didn’t want to accept the reasons why this white boy did so much to your mind and heart. “Carl, just got out of work?” You asked watching him take off his shoes and lay in your bed “Yeah, I’m exhausted. You know I miss you being in school.” He said placing an arm under your neck laying straight with his face looking at your plain ceiling “I miss doing something with myself, doc says I’ll be good for school next week.” You said looking up at him hoping for him to make eye contact with you, but nothing. “Good, I’m lonely without you (Y/N/N) I need you.” He said pulling you closer to his side.

This shocked you, it was the first time you and him had done anything physical since your kiss in the hospital but you didn’t object to the contact because you craved his warmth and comfort, for some odd reason this little white boy made you feel safe. “You need me? Or my petty attitude towards certain females?” You asked rolling your eyes and this time Carl looked straight at you cupping your face with his other hand gently “No (Y/N) I need you, you’re my only .. friend and I need someone who’s going to keep it real with me hundred percent.” He said kissing your forehead softly “Well the hair is truly your best asset, and the smile.” You said winking at him laughing causing him to laugh “You don’t know how good it is to laugh with someone.” He said as he began to play with your hair gently lacing his fingers around your hair.

You laid your head on his chest and began to listen to his heartbeat which was bringing you closer and closer to sleep, until you allowed your body to fall into a deep sleep which is exactly what the doctor ordered. Nearly ten minutes had passed until Carl finally realized that you had fallen asleep, he smiled and continued playing with your hair as he heard his phone buzz continuously and when he finally gave it and grabbed it with his other hand being careful not to move he realized it was Dominique who was calling him he declined her call and laid the phone back on the nightstand.

“You like her don’t you?” He heard a voice coming from the door causing him to jump a little, once he realized it was your brother he relaxed and began to stroke your face with his finger “My heart tells me yes but my mind tells me I’ll never be worth it. She’ll only see me as a friend but I appreciate you helping me out.” Carl said to your brother. Him and Carl had made a deal because your brother saw the way Carl looked at you when he would pick you up from school so your brother took it upon himself to approach Carl and make the plan that worked out beautifully in the end.

“Man, you can’t be that blind. She’s got a little something something for you man. She’s a girl who doesn’t take much interest in people but she’s fond of you, so that means something. I mean hey, it’s up to you both but don’t hurt my baby sister man she’s gonna need someone to protect her when I’m not here.” Your brother said leaving the room and making his way downstairs. Carl then looked down at you as you snuggled into his body causing him to wrap both of his arms around you.

“Damn (Y/N) it wasn’t suppose to be this way man. Fuck. Why’d you have to be so fucking smart, talented, kind, sweet, beautiful, caring, awesome. Fuck! I was suppose to get back him Dom for fuck sake but then you came and changed my whole life around and all you did was call me White boy. And now here I am at your side, gaining more feelings for you (Y/N). In school I think of you, at home I think about you, at work I think about you, fuck, you’re right next to me now and I’m thinking about you. What the fuck man.” Carl said softly trying to not wake you up but trying to collect his thoughts “If this is what loves is then I’m completely fucked.” Carl said kissing your forehead one last time before gently sliding his body away from your wrapping you up in blankets and leaving your house while walking to Kevin and V’s place.

He pounded on the door “Kev, I need your help man!” Carl yelled but when the door opened it was V he saw standing in front of him “Kev is busy Carl, you get me. What’s up little man?” She asked gesturing for him to come inside once Carl walked in he didn’t see the twins, he put two and two together and realized Kev was with them “I need help, but you have to promise not to tell Fiona or try and be slick and tell Kev.” Carl said sneering at her because of what she did last time.

“Are you in any trouble?” V asked full of concern “No, for once it’s not about trouble it’s about feelings that I’ve been having.” Carl said fiddling with his hands no feeling comfortable talking about his situation with anyone but he needed to know what he was feeling. “Go on.” V said leaning back into her couch watching Carl’s actions and face she knew what was happening to him before he even told her what was going on but she let him speak.

“There’s this girl (Y/N) who I was using to help me get back with Dominique because I really wanted to be with Dominique again, but I feel differently when I’m with (Y/N) than when I’m with Dominique. This shit is confusing. I love being around (Y/N), I like her smile, her laugh, her hair, her jokes, her intelligence, her caring heart, I like everything about her. When I’m with her I just want to keep her next to me forever, I feel invincible when she’s around me like I could be anything I want to be. Yet with Dominique it’s all about our history, how we started, what we did, what she did, what I did for her but she never appreciated a damn thing I did. Fuck she even cheated on me so why should I want that bitch back.” Carl said crossing his arms.

“You shouldn’t be calling no woman a bitch but I guess that little harlot is a bitch.” V said looking at Carl “Carl, you’re so young but it’s sounds like you’re in love. Everything you just said is exactly how I felt when I started dating Kev, have you told her you like her?” V asked with interest “No because she’s so stuck on the idea that I was only using her which I was but it’s so different than that now.” Carl said sighing running his hands through his hair “Fuck, why does this have to be so hard.” Carl said softly to himself before looking at V and giving her a hug “Thank you.” He said before leaving and walking to his house but when he reached the doorstep there was someone he wasn’t expecting on it.

“Carl, you left your sweater.. but I kinda got cold on the way here so I put it on” (Y/N) said smiling at him and before she could say anything else Carl dove in to kiss her softly on the lips “Looks better on you honestly. Keep it.” He said grabbing her hand helping her up from the porch “Want to stay for dinner? Foods probably going to be shitty but it’s better than nothing.” Carl said in a hopeful tone that she’d say yes. When she nodded he smiled warmly “Great, you get to meet the rest of the gang.” Carl said opening the door allowing her to step in first when he saw her walk in and watch Liam grab her hand he knew she would fit well in this functional dysfunctional family.

“I’m home guys! I brought a good friend of mine!” Carl said before closing the door behind him. If she could survive a night with the Gallaghers maybe she could survive a relationship with one, but only the night would be able to tell.

When We Were Young

2039. Justin and [Y/N] are 45, and 44.

The room was crowded, absolutely bustling with people to the point where I knocked elbows with every other person I passed, but when she walked through the double doors, it was as though we were the only ones. I vividly remember feeling the exact same way many moons ago.

I knew she wouldn’t be able to see me through the sea of people, so instead of attempting to be seen, I started to make my way towards her. The red dress she wore made it easy for me to spot her; it wasn’t long before I was stood in front of her.

“Justin,” she smiled a smile that I’d almost forgotten, yet it looked so familiar.

Her hair was a lot shorter than it once was and that alone made her look like a whole new person. She didn’t seem to be wearing as much makeup as I remember her wearing when she was younger.

“[Y/N],” I whispered, taking the time to notice the new marks that had appeared on her face. “It’s so great to see you again, it’s been too long.”

“Far too long. It’s great to see you too! Can I hug you? Would that be appropriate?” she asked hesitantly.

“You know what, I’d love nothing more,” I replied, opening my arms.

She fell into them, and all of a sudden, I felt at home. At peace. My mind flashed back to the first time I hugged her, on our very first date in 2012. I remembered thinking her hair smelled like strawberries.

The hug lasted a little longer than it should have, but I didn’t complain. I let my hand settle on the small of her back.

“Would you like to get a drink?” I asked while thinking the place was far too crowded for my liking.

Her nose scrunched up and she smiled. “This place is a little busier than I thought it’d be, and besides, I want to catch up. Shall we find somewhere quieter?” I instantly smiled. We always did agree so easily.

“That’d be great,” I said, leading her towards the doors.

“I mean, we can stay if you want to-“

“No, no, it’s okay, we’ll find somewhere nicer.”

The air was cool against my face once we stepped onto the streets. It was almost silent apart from the soft rumble of cars passing every so often.

“So, tell me, what’s been going on?” she asked, breaking the silence between us.

“Not much,” I said.

“Not much? Not much has happened in twenty-four years?” she chuckled, looking up at me. Her eyes looked older, like the brightness that was once there had shifted.

“Ah, you had to be there,” I said and grinned, [Y/N] laughed. “What about you? How many of those goals did you achieve?” My thumb strokes the back of her dress.

“A few, actually. I travelled for a bit after quitting my first job, just because I felt I was at a dead end, you know?”

“What, the filing job you had? I remember you loving it!” I teased her, and she rolled her eyes with the smile still on her lips.

“My constant whining didn’t bother you then,” she giggles, throwing her hair over her shoulder.

“What whining? I don’t think you ever mentioned it!”

“Could you blame me? My heart wasn’t in it. I wanted something more.”

“You always did,” I said. “I was always certain you were made for more than this world could give you.”

[Y/N] looked over at me for a long time after that. “Really?”

I nodded. “Mhm. You had all these dreams and things you wanted to achieve, and you were always so positive. It was one reason I loved you so much.”

We turned the corner onto a smaller and quieter street. My words were hanging on the edge before she spoke.

“That’s so sweet, Justin,” she whispered. “..I missed you for a long while after things ended.”

“You stopped?”

She chuckled nervously. She looked so youthful when she did; a part of her was always so nervous around me when we were young. “Things change. Eventually, I just got caught up in whole new life,” she said. “Didn’t you?”

“I did, but I don’t think I ever stopped missing you,” I replied. “I don’t blame you,” I added, “for leaving, or for moving on. I was happy knowing you were happy and doing what you needed to.”

“I was hoping you weren’t hating me, it was probably my biggest fear for a long time,” she chuckled. “You know, I never thought I’d see you again.”

“Would you like to get coffee?” I asked, and she nodded instantly, muttering a gentle ‘sure’ in response. “In all honesty, I was always hoping I’d see you again at some point. I was always too scared to get in contact with you.” I smirked, and maybe it was just because of the darkening night, but I’m sure she blushed.

“Do you remember the time we got drunk and went skinny dipping in the sea?” [Y/N] asked, suppressing a grin.

“A little too much,” I said, smiling. “I also remember shielding you with my own naked body.” I laughed and [Y/N] did too. “It can’t have been any more embarrassing than the time your parents caught us walking out of that sex shop.”

“Oh my God! I’d completely forgot about that,” she gasped, her hands covering her cheeks. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if we hadn’t have bought something,” she said.

“I think it was worth the awkward dinner we had with them the week after.” I smirked and she rolled her eyes.

I knew where we were aiming for but [Y/N] having not been in the city for a while, didn’t. She followed alongside me without asking or questioning my directions.

“So, never had kids, huh?” I asked, looking down at her.

“A surprise, I know, I just didn’t manage to have that kind of relationship where kids were ever an option.” She shrugged as though it was now but I saw something change in her expression. I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and she fell into me.

“Eventually, you’ll find that person,” I reassured her while feeling the cold of her shoulder.

She laughed, I drew back. “Justin, I’m forty four. You really think I’m going to find the right one at this age?”

“Hey.” I frowned. “I do, and you will. You used to be so sure that you’d find the right one for you, what happened-“

“I grew up, I guess,” she said. “It’s hard to believe things like that when you get older. You have responsibilities that are constantly bringing you back to reality.”

My stomach twisted uncomfortably and words were threatening to make me sick if I didn’t say them. They fumbled around my mouth until they needed more space. I felt eighteen and foolish again.

“What about me?”

[Y/N] stopped in her tracks. “What about you?”

“Come on, [Y/N]. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it,” I spoke softly, afraid it was the last thing on her mind.

She took a sharp intake of breath. “I hate myself for thinking about it so much. Whenever I feel alone, I always think of you and about how I threw us away. I can’t help but wonder if it was you all along.”

“Well I’m here. For the first time in years I’m right in front of you. It’s your decision what happens next.”

Secretly, my heart began to pound in my chest and I felt young then; alive and filled with so much hope and possibilities. Stood there in front her made me feel invincible.

“I never wanted anyone like I wanted you,” she whispered, shaking her head gently. I smiled.

“Then what are you waiting for? We have something, let’s take the opportunity.”

She nodded and before I could say anything else, she was falling into me and I was holding her like we were only just falling in love. I looked at her and I could have sworn I was stood with her in 2012 instead of 2039. I felt the strongest beat of my heart since the last time her eyes caught mine. Oh, what I’d do to go back to when we were young.

Beloved Part 2

I dont know why this happened, but I’m weak, love my baby Violet, and yes, I stayed up until 3 am writing this mkay so feedback would be appreciated. Also please tell me what you think about the donation/commission thing I mentioned before. Thanks!

Taking care of a baby was hard work. Keith was tempted to say it was even harder than being in war. For the first few weeks, Keith and Lance had been terrified to hurt Violet when changing her diaper, her clothes, when bathing her, burping her. Lance had a little more experience from having taken care of his siblings, but it had been a long time since he took care of a baby, so he was still hesitant.

After a few months, Keith got used to it and managed to be a little more confident in taking care of his daughter. Lance’s favorite thing was putting her to sleep and watching her breathe and smile from whatever she was dreaming. Keith’s favorite thing was feeding her because she would place her hand on Keith’s and make the cutest little sounds as she drank her bottle.

Pidge and Hunk were able to create a few soft toys for her to grip and fascinate herself with. Coran had managed to sew blankets together to make a quilt for Violet so she could lay on the floor and work on lifting her head. Allura liked getting the mice to perform for her, watching her purple eyes flit and follow the colorful critters.

When Violet was almost six months old, and able to sit up on her own with a slight support on her back, Keith began switching out with Shiro on missions. The first time he left Violet was the hardest, but he was more determined than ever to get back. When Violet was ten months, she began lifting herself up and standing while holding something for balance. With Hunk’s help, she was given a healthy diet of foods to nibble on. With Pidge’s, she was learning to differentiate colors even if she couldn’t say them.

When Violet turned a year old, a small party was thrown before an attack caused them to leave Violet in a special bunker made to keep her safe while Shiro and Coran stayed behind in the control room with one eye on the monitor in the bunker. That battle resulted in Lance getting injured so badly, he spent the night in the cryopod. When he got out the next day, Keith took him to rest in bed. Before he fell asleep, he asked Keith to marry him. Keith said yes.

Then Violet began walking. And she began talking. Suddenly she was three. Then five.

Now she was six. The team was coming back from another battle and Violet was rushing out of her bunker to hold on to her parents for the next hour. When the team came back, Violet barely managed a greeting to her aunts and uncle. She just needed her fathers.

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Hate you

You were the only person I’d ever truly loved. The only person that I ever let in. You made me feel beautiful and strong. I was invincible with you by my side. My heart would crash through the floor each time I saw you. I would lose my breath after kissing your lips. Breathing you in was intoxicating. You were so perfect. We were so perfect. Both of us were so young and both full of passion. We would feed off of each other mentally and physically. Craving conversation more, craving each other’s touch more, never fully satisfied and always eager to explore the depths of one another. I never thought of a happier time then when I was with you.

But you got tired of me and I knew it. I kept pushing you away. I was always getting jealous. I was being too nosey. I was caring too much about other people you talked to. “Jealousy is an ugly trait” you would say. I get so mad every time I think about those five words. Jealousy is a reasonable part of loving someone, I would always try defend myself. But I had known something was off. You smiled at me less. You would get annoyed with me quickly. The “I love you"s became dull and repetitive. Soon those happy thoughts I’ve had of you vanished. And then horrible memories come swarming back. And I just feel hurt and alone again. My heart shattered.

When I found out you were cheating on me I wanted to hate you so badly. Sometimes I can work my self up about it and get really angry about it but I never really hate you. I didn’t even care about the lying or the cheating. I just needed you. We had built a life together. You were the only string holding me to this earth. I had you. But not really. Not even a little.

I was always yours though. I was head over heels in love. You had every part of me, body and soul, and you choose someone else. Now I try to choose someone else and I can’t.
I can’t.
I can’t because no matter how hard I try you still have me. My heart will always belong to you. When I said "i would love you forever” I meant it. But I thought our forever was just that, ours.

I would give up my life just be with you again. I would do anything to be part of yours. And that’s the sad part the truly unforgiving part of love. Is no matter how hard you want to hate someone for hurting you, its just not that simple. You always have feelings. You would go back to them just as easily as the sea does to the shore.

I want to hate you so desperately. It would be easier that way. But truth is I loved you. I love you. I’m in love with you. And I hate myself for it.

But I can’t seem to hate you.

i.

record scratch. desert heat.
& here I am on a porch,
a rooftop, the pilot’s seat, 
sunrise painted five shades 
of missing you, my heart a house 
with too many windows open, 
the faucet left running, spilling water 
into all this drought 
you’ve left me. 

ii.

I’ve lost you so many times, 
I could draw a constellation 
around your absence. 

A star for every time I’ve remembered—
or imagined:
your thumb against the pulse trapped
in my neck, your smile a horizon line
I would gladly aim for & never
look back.

iii.

elsewhere, we are two pairs of boots propped
on a table.
interlocking coffee stains.
we are slow-dancing on a cliffside right before it crumbles,
drenched in moonlight, laughing into the possibility
of collapse, young & invincible & angling toward the sky

& your body is the only thing I fold under

& when I open my eyes, it is only to see you
still sleeping warm
beside me.

—  dreamscape, k.m.
When adults say, ‘Teenagers think they are invincible’ with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don’t know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.
—  John Green, Looking For Alaska
A scorose thingy

Hey, I just wanted to write a little Scorose thing. Nothing special. I was just bored. A falling back in love maybe??? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I should keep writing this. This is what happens when Cara is angsty and bored. Loove yas!


She was so many rules. “Don’t eat with your mouth full,” or; “Don’t forget to make sure he wears socks, it’s not the middle of summer out there!”

Sometimes it was more serious things that only idiots would do like; “Don’t swear in front of him – he hangs on to everything you say,” or; “Don’t let him touch your wand when you’re not around!”

“I don’t let him do that because it remind me too much of you.”

Sometimes it was spark-like backfires like; “I don’t want him to end up like you.”

Rose was all logical thought processes and painful truths. Everything she said was for a reason. Everything she did had a good reason behind it. That’s why she left me that hot, summers day. She had thought about it, analysed it and to her, it was the most logical thing to do.

I had drunk myself stupid at James’ apartment, I don’t know how many nights I had cried myself to sleep in James’ sheets and soaked Al’s shoulder. I don’t know how many times I lost my wand in a drunk mess – somewhere on the streets of Muggle London that made my dad’s temple pulse and literal steam come out of his ears. He would yell at me; “Why so reckless, Scorpius!”

I would reply with something about the amount of money he had and what use was it if not used on cleaning up my depressive mess. He hated me. I think a lot of people did.

She would come over to James’ flat and everytime I heard the sharp snap of her apparating, I would assume she was back to come and apologise and she was here to tell me I wasn’t a disgusting ferret and she was going to forgive me for my fuck ups and she just wanted to be a family again. I almost leapt out of the couch everytime she showed. But she never did forgive me, and she didn’t want to be a family again and she was probably even more disgusted than ever because how could I be a father when I was neck-deep in so many bottles of booze and I smelled worse than an ash tray? Sometimes she did promise to come back, only to give me my wand that she confiscated because I could kill someone while under the influence.

At one point, I didn’t see our son for a week.

Our son, our light. He was the true Chosen One. Even Harry Potter himself said that how could one kid brighten so many lives? He was supposed to be the one who broke us  - tore the great Malfoy name and cursed the great Weasley one. But he didn’t. He was the intertwining of the two Great Families. They talk of the Sacred Twenty-Eight as if it were some myth, but our son was so real. So, so real.

They all say that if you have a kid so young, sixteen and in short, we were in love, you’ve signed yourself up for a life doomed. Dooms day. After all, how can kids have kids? You’re supposed to do more, see more, become more. But I can’t have become any more than I was as a sixteen year old Scorpius. I was invincible, indestructible, impenetrable; all because of a squashed up kid wrapped up in muslin. He was blue eyes and blonde hair. He was loud screams and soft touches. He was my everything. He is my everything. I think sometimes I breathe because he’s around and at points, I don’t think I would be breathing if he was not here. Paths seemed clearer and shit, I loved Rose more for it. I loved her so much, I would have taken every hex, every curse, every Unforgivable Curse for that girl with the wild hair and the wilder eyes. And that in itself was the start of the end.

My mum told me once that it was hard to love a Malfoy. My dad told me once it was like loving a brick, loving a Malfoy. We ran, we skipped it, we ran from the darkness that followed us but as much as we had ditched it, it’s true. There’s always a little dark in us. Sometimes I pray to Merlin that my son has just the right amount of Weasley in him to dispel any darkness from him. Maybe he’d grow up and be all sharp words and sarcastic remarks. Just like his mum.

One of Rose’s many rules is a universal one: Don’t lie.

My mind thought over the lies so much, I find some sort of sickening comfort within when I think that the reason why I lied to her in the first place was not to hurt her.

I know that it hurt her more when she found out that I thought that might have worked.

I’ve now had eight months of thinking over my lies.

I did have my own flat. I lived on top of the Leaky Cauldron. Rose came and inspected it once. She told me she’d kill me if our son set foot in there, but I liked it. It had a bed – sleep was one of my saving graces and it took me away from the realisation that I had fucked up, even if just for a few hours. Caelum wasn’t allowed there, it was just as well because I was kicked out after eight weeks. Kicked out and shoved to the comforting embrace of James.

James didn’t mind. He was away most of the time and when he was home, he had a drinking buddy. Not just your usual one, oh no, I was far too dramatic for that. It was all loud singing and falling asleep on the toilet type of drinking. A cry yourself to sleep on your best mate’s brother’s shoulder sort of affair.

I’ve been on James’ couch ever since.

Today was different. I could feel it was different. She called me first thing this morning and didn’t question where I was. She said I could have our son for the entire weekend without asking if I had proper linen or knew how to work James’ TV. She didn’t tell me that her dad was going to come and pick him up at eight AM on Sunday morning so I was robbed of a whole day with him; “bring him home when you’re ready,” was her exact words. And I snatched them up.

I cleaned James’ house, I got rid of the empty beer bottles and threw out the fish n chip wrappers.  I shaved, I wore deodorant. I smoked a pack of cigarettes.

It’s weird how you lose yourself a little when someone leaves. You don’t realise how much you relied on a single person until they tell you that they don’t want you anymore.

They don’t want you to do this to them anymore.

That is the curse of falling in love when you don’t even know what love is. I mean, I think I know. I think I knew. Because even when we were young I had that dull throbbing in my chest every time she walked in and every word she spoke just astounded me. Maybe it wasn’t love at all. Maybe it was an obsession. I admit, I lost myself a little when she left. I was cold and everything was pitch black but I remember, I would never forget. It was two o'clock on a Summer’s afternoon when she found it appropriate to not forgive me.

It wasn’t the Summer anymore. Today was cold, dark and bleak. Typical of Britain’s forecast. It was announced through Diagon Alley when I went to visit Fred that we were in for a weeks worth of rain. But today, I don’t feel it. I only feel that my son is coming to me for an entire weekend and I had things I needed to buy from WWW’s even though he gets a lot of it’s shit for free.

I had chucked a large sum of cash on the counter, Fred gathered me up the best of the best.

This weekend was going to be the best of the best even if I did follow Rose’s rules.

I’m pacing the lounge room of James’ flat. There are pictures everywhere. Even a picture of Rose, Caelum and I when he’s hours old, nothing but fresh faces and smiles are in this picture. We move, barely. He moves a lot. He was just born, he wanted to experience the world. The one his young parents gave him. Maybe it was true; maybe we’re just another statistic.

I hear a truck pull up into the drive way. It was so  Muggle of her but our son goes to a Muggle school. She wanted to fit in. She chucked the cash I had given her as a way to say sorry at the dealer and drove away in a Ford Escape. There was no escaping that it was paid with Malfoy money or that it was a huge statement on Rose’s behalf.

I hear doors slamming. Hurried scurries up the steps. “Come on, mum!” he shouts and I rush to the door, just as quickly as he does because I can’t help it.

I open the door and grin, my arms out, waiting for my son. “Cae!” I say, “Hey mate!” I scoop him up into my arms, bury my face in his hair, kiss him a thousand times all over his face which he hates and I absolutely, positively love.

He groans and makes a choking sound; “Don’t dad!” he whines, shaking his face free from me. “You’re so gross!”

Rose saunters over, hair flying behind her but she’s still wearing her medi-witch robes. Her wand stuck into the messy bun and she’s frowning. “There’s a case of Witches Flu going around,” she states.

“I know,” I mutter, putting my son down. “I work at the same place as you.”

She doesn’t like being told anything. Rose Weasley was a know it all but the worst part was she actually knew it all. Every thing.

We had smoothly transitioned into the new life. Rose insisted that we make this as seamless as possible. We have a six year old son who doesn’t take well to glitches in the system, we had to work hard to make things easy for him. She had a reason for everything, just like she had a reason for making me move out.

We were twenty three years old and so old. I had aged two decades easily in the last eight months. It made me feel sick, it made my voice hitch, it made my hands shake when I drop our son off to his ‘mum’s’ place. It shouldn’t be like that – the great divide.

Often when I would drop him back off to her she would be leaned over a piece of parchment and scratching with a quill. She would still had her medi-witch gear on but her hair was always loose and falling like it was now. I always knocked awkwardly on the door as if I shouldn’t be there but I shared that home with her for three years, in the corner of her own lounge room was still a photo of us, seventeen and glowing, son bouncing in our arms, fresh faced and young just like the one here. And scared. Shit scared.

We made so many mistakes in the short time span, it was a wonder we didn’t combust earlier, a disaster of sparks and stars. We had our son when every odd was against us, our families were against us, shit, even we were against ourselves.

“So, how are you?,” I mutter to her, seeing our son sprawled out on the couch with his blonde hair everywhere and wearing a fake Harry Potter scar on his head. “Uh, did you buy that tattoo for him?”

Rose looks up briefly at me, her glasses slipping down the bridge of her nose but she slides them up and sniggers when she looks over at our son. “No, that would be your best friend, Albus.”

She walks in and dumps her hand bag on the floor before taking a seat at James’ table which is only there to make this place feel somewhat like a home.

“Your cousin,” I mumble but I take the seat across from her. “How was your day?” I ask.

“We work at the same place.”

“I wasn’t there today,” I reply.

“Hmmm,” she says.

She looks down and starts reading a copy of Witch Weekly that has James’ face plastered to the front, not meeting my eyes. I want to yell, scream at her, I want to pull the magazine out from under her hands, screw it up, chuck it in the fire. I want her to look at me because she never looks at me anymore. I need her to see me, see I’m bleeding from the inside because the light has gone out and she just doesn’t notice me anymore. “So we just don’t talk anymore?” I ask her.

“Hmmm,” she said quietly. “We need to organise which weekend is yours and which is mine,” she states matter-of-factly.

I didn’t want to discuss things like whose weekend is whose. I didn’t need it solidified that we didn’t make it and we needed to organise such things that tore our son and made him into another statistic. “Does it need organising? Can it wait?”

“Do you want a cuppa?” she asks, getting up quickly and putting the quill behind her ear. She flicks her wand in the direction of the cup cupboard and two cups come flying out. “I think I do.”

She drunk tea when she was happy. She drunk a hell of a lot when she was stressed. Her choice of pot was huge, a gift from Luna Lovegood to James for his housewarming, apparently. “Sure, if it will make you ease up…”

She hated that. I was wondering if I would see sparks flying at my head. “I’m over fighting.”

“Do you think I enjoy it?” I ask her. “Because I don’t. I’m sick of this, the tension we used to always -” I’m cut off.

“We used to always talk? Yeah, I know, Scorpius,” she says exhaling loudly. “We used to stay up all night and talk about everything.”

“Then why can’t we?” I hiss but she shushes me, eyes flicking around.

“I don’t want to fight with Cae around,” she says through her teeth.

I look back into the lounge room but it looks like our son has figured out the TV which is just as well, because I didn’t want to lie to Rose again and tell her I knew how to work it. “He’s occupied,” I tell her. “And we’re not fighting.”

She rolls her eyes as she flicks her wand at the kettle on the stove. “Yeah, sure,” she says.

“You know, for a person who states she doesn’t want to fight anymore, you keep going on…”

She laughs a little before shoving my shoulder as I lean against the bench. It had been five months since she’s actually touched me. I wonder if it’s stupid to think that maybe she’s burnt through my shirt and straight onto my skin but I shouldn’t think about those things. How her hands feel on me. “I’m sorry -” this time I cut her off.

“Call Rita Skeeter, Rose Weasley is sorry!” I say, grinning at her.

She smiles weakly back. “Stop smiling at me,” she mumbles. “We have no reason to smile.”

“I do,” I tell her honestly. “Because you’re talking to me and that’s always something to smile about.”

“Stop it with your words, Scorp, we need to be serious,” she says, meeting my eyes. I can see they’re still deep blue and worrying. Her eyebrows are knitting together, she was definitely worrying.

“I cleaned up,” I tell her, moving my arms through the kitchen. “Can you tell?”

“Well done,” she says in the same voice that she uses when Caelum brushes his teeth.

“Thank you,” I say anyways.

She sighs and starts searching the cupboards for the tea leaves that James doesn’t own. “You busy tomorrow?” she asks me.

She turns to look at me and now I’m confused. “You’re not going to take him tomorrow, are you? I thought you said I could have him until Sunday…”

She shakes her head and her eyes widen. “Shit. No. I just meant, if you guys were going to do something, then maybe I’d tag along…”

I raise an eyebrow and put my hands on my hips, I try not to smirk, it will just piss her off more. “We could do something if you wanted to?” I challenge.

She inhales deeply and nods. “Yeah, that would be good.”

“Why the change in attitude?” I ask her. I didn’t get where this was going or why it was even going at all but I didn’t want to lose this – the moving forward.

“If this is how our life is going to be, then I want to move on, for the sake of our son.”

I sigh and nod. Accepting this. “Ok, let’s move forward.”

“Or maybe,” she says, looking down at the floor. “We should just start all over again.”

I don’t say anything, I just smile to myself. Maybe I had a shot at things, maybe. Maybe I just need to stop taking my chances and see where this was going to take us.

gif not by me

Marlene and Sirius had miraculously showed up early to an Order meeting, after walking around headquarters, (which was currently an old house under Dumbledore’s protection,) they came to the conclusion that they were the only ones there other than Mad-Eye Moody was was asleep sitting up on the sofa. “So much for constant vigilance,” Marlene snickered into Sirius’ ear as they crept to the next room as to not wake the auror up.

Sirius leaned against the frame of one of the empty bedroom doors and laughed out loud, “When have we ever been the first to arrive to anything?” He pointed out, they tended to always be on the later side of things.

“Maybe we got the time wrong?” Marlene shrugged, “Or we are so late the rest of them left?” They both seemed perfectly reasonable to her, although when it came to the Order they did make some effort to make it on time. Although the young couple was very much in the mind frame that they were invincible, something the rest of the Order called them out on, but they refused to acknowledge. Upon looking around the very empty room in front of them that had nothing but a bed, a smirk appeared on Marlene’s lips and she moved forward, pressing her body against Sirius’. “But… While we’re alone…”

He very easily caught what she wanted, not that it was ever difficult to guess with her, “I guess we haven’t shagged in this house at all yet,” he pointed out, as if it were almost offensive that they hadn’t given the Order headquarters their christening yet. Pulling Marlene into him, his lips met hers in an immediate and passionate kiss. Of course, she returned it, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and letting his hands feel down her body. Before long he was lifting her up and driving her back against the wall, so she could throw her legs around his waist and his hands could easily cup her perfect arse.

Marlene forced her tongue between Sirius’ lips and her hands went into his hair. When he lifted her again and let the pair fall onto the bed, she laughed lightly upon impact before he slowed down a little and leaned in for a longer, more romantic kiss. She loved how he always did this, no matter how heated their moment was, he would always take a moment just to appreciate each other, it was always an appreciated reminder of how much he actually loved her and for once it wasn’t just a quick shag and then on his way. His hands slowly worked up her skirt, until her red panties were on display. Snaking his hands further up her shirt as well, he groped at her breasts and she pulled him down for another kiss.

That was when Mad-Eye Moody’s voice echoed through the house, “Cover yourself, McKinnon, I don’t want to know what you look like in your knickers!” Marlene and Sirius froze in their spot, Mad-Eye was all the way downstairs still, looking at one another they both wondered just how well that magical eye worked. As if he could read their minds he answered, “You think you can get away with making all that ruckus with a trained auror who was an eye that can see through walls! What are you kids thinking, I swear no respect,” he went on but as his voice lowered they just heard a soft mumbling.

Suddenly away of how high up her skirt was, Marlene quickly stood and readjusted all her clothing, while Sirius sat on the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Think he can see through our clothes too?” He questioned.

But Marlene only shuddered, “I’d prefer not think about that, Black,” she shoved him playfully back onto the bed before fixing her own hair to make herself presentable once again. Her timing was perfect as the rest of the Order slowly filed into the house.

They made their way to join the rest when Lily’s voice made Marlene sigh in annoyance. “They’re STILL not on time? I told them the meeting was 45 minutes before it actually was! I swear those two idiots-”

“They’re here,” Mad-Eye grunted, “Probably just getting themselves prettied up since they tried to fit in a quick tumble on the only bed in this place!”

Sirius rounded the corner a large grin on his face, unashamed of how Moody had just called them out, “We were early, what else were we going to do in this dumb to kill some time?”

Lily only shook her head while James caught Sirius’ wink. Marlene shrugged off all their remarks and sat with Sirius at the table. It only got more embarrassing when Marlene tried to massage her boyfriend under the table but Mad-Eye Moody quite literally saw through that once again brought attention to their unhealthy libidos and how they should really figure out a way to calm them down. It was a talk no one wanted to hear, but most of the Order couldn’t help but laugh at, Marlene and Sirius included. This was why the couple felt like they could defeat anything, so far everyone was happy, the meetings went well and everyone in the Order had stayed safe. A war was a serious time, but what was the point of letting it take away their fun?

anonymous asked:

(bros age gap anon) Thank you! I'm sorry, I must not have been around for the previous discussions on the topic, didn't mean to make you repeat yourself! But yeah i think the thing that threw me in the boys home ep was Sam playing with the toy in the back of the car, because i was sitting there like "Uh, exactly how old is Sam here, because that is not a 12 year old boy playing with a lil toy plane lol." I like the theory of Dean seeing him how he needed to see him. Fits well! Thank you!

Ha! You’re welcome, and any time. Seriously, I don’t expect everyone ever on the entire planet to remember everything I’ve ever written *I* don’t remember everything I’ve ever written. :P

Plus I know there’s been a recent influx of new people to the fandom (fandom being a revolving door with people coming and going all the time), and it’s always interesting going over these things again from a point of view later in canon to see how these same themes have been addressed since we originally discussed them. I mean, that’s why I do the continuous rewatch loop, because with the benefit of newer canon, sometimes these older issues have had a chance to come up in the later narrative again, giving us even more insight into just how much the characters have developed.

And I am ALWAYS down for the “story became the story” and the performing Dean discussion. Especially after 12.22. It’s impossible to look at these older episodes and situations in the same light now. :)

The flip side of this from Sam’s point of view, is pretty startlingly apparent in 10.12, when Adult Sam gets a shocking reminder of just how young and small and so-not-grownup 15 or 16-year-old Dean really was. Just like Dean may have thought of Sam as so smol and vulnerable, we know in a lot of ways that young Sam looked up to Dean in that way that only young children can.

Like how elementary school age kids look at high school kids as if they are SOOOO OLD and mature and college-age kids are essentially old people, but by the time you get to high school you have a very different perspective on that… :D

But seriously, go watch Sam’s facial expressions as he reacts to just how tiny that teenage version of Dean was. Dean who he’d always though of as larger than life and practically invincible (the way a child looks at a parent), but from Gigantor Adult Sam pov looks incredibly young. It was a tremendous shock for him to reevaluate some really long-term beliefs about just how mature and responsible Dean had been required to act, maintaining that illusion that he was a responsible adult in Sam’s eyes.

youtube

I think this song is the epitome of how Millennials feel. I can’t speak for everyone but it definitely encompasses most of my feelings of living in this day and age with all of my sensitivities. And from what I’ve seen and heard from other Millennials is that they feel similar.

We’re chasing after this paradise that doesn’t exist to fill this void that has tenanted our chests (money, fame, adoration from millions of screaming fans, expensive things, successful partners, proud parents, university degrees that get us into jobs that we love and that give ourselves a good name etc.) and in that chase for paradise we lose sense of our true nature/selves. We drown ourselves in drugs, alcohol, sex, risky behavior etc. just to feel alive or just to feel numb or both. We feel so inadequate, incompetent, useless, unworthy, pathetic, lost, scared… no, terrified. We are adrift within this uncertainty and confusion so we desperately try and grab onto anything and everything in our nearest vicinity to stabilize ourselves… most of which is just to escape from the hollow reality we exist in.

We’ve been taught and conditioned to not trust ourselves, to not trust others, to not trust the government, to not trust the food we eat, our teachers, or peers… this havoc would make anyone go mad. And older generations don’t get that. They can’t empathize so they look at us gnawing at our own ankles in an attempt to cut ourselves free from these chains but they don’t see the chains. They were never faced with the shit we’re faced with on a daily basis. All of that stress builds up… and it’s getting heavier and heavier for each generation. And each generation is becoming more and more sensitive to the world and its harshness making it basically impossible for them to thrive let alone survive in this world.

Each generation has their own insurgences. Ours just happens to be more intense and epic than preceding generations. It’s all coming to a point and we must stick together. We must not turn against each other. We’re stronger unified; we’re stronger when we lock arms, stand together, and stand up for our generation and the younger generations coming in. And there is a substantial amount of awakened individuals from the older generations that are standing with us… don’t think I’ve forgotten about all of you 😉💚

This song is the perfect representation of my generation. And it brings on a heaviness that encompasses my heart but it also makes me feel so unified with all of my generation. Our struggles have shown us the idiocy and toxicity of how the older generations have been living; it has brought us so much closer to our true selves than any other preceding generations. We’re some strong mother fuckers! And we should never forget that because older generations keep on telling us we’re frail, lazy, irresponsible, entitled… well I say we inown everything we desire. I say after all that’s considered, we’re mettlesome and resilient. I say our perceived “laziness” and “irresponsible” behaviors are but indications of our deep intuitive feelings of disorientation and our neglected and negated individual truths. Just because we don’t fit into this world and the expectations of our parents and/or grandparents doesn’t mean we’re doing something wrong.


[Verse 1:]
I’m bad luck baby, you know
Follows me around everywhere I go
And I don’t need your sympathy, no
I need a fuckin’ miracle, oh
Red wine teeth stain, it’s been a long day
I just want your love, not your money
Leave me here, I’ll be fine
I’ll wait for the stars to align

[Pre-Chorus:]
Cause oh, how the other half live
With their perfect skin
And oh, how I’ll never be, never be
Just like them, so

[Chorus:]
I, I’m waiting for the afterlife
To show me a good time, baby
Somebody save me, I just wanna be loved
I, I’m waiting for the afterlife
To show me a good time, baby
Somebody save me, I just wanna be loved

[Verse 2:]
Don’t watch T.V. no more
The news fuckin’ scares me, new world war
And I don’t wanna run away, no
I need a fuckin’ holiday
So bad blood bankrupt out of love and luck
I’ll get the keys to your Murciélago
Another drink will see me through
Feeling invincible

[Pre-Chorus:]
So oh, how the other half live
With their perfect teeth
And oh, how I’ll never be, never be
Just like them, so

[Chorus:]
I, I am waiting for the afterlife
To show me a good time, baby
Somebody save me, I just wanna be loved
I, I am waiting for the afterlife
To show me a good time, baby
Somebody save me, I just wanna be loved

[Bridge:]
We’re still young, but we got older
We don’t believe everything that were told, yeah
We just wanna love, we just wanna be loved
We’re still young, but we got older
We don’t believe everything that were told, yeah
We just wanna love, we just wanna be loved

[Chorus:]
So I, I am waiting for the afterlife
To show me a good time, baby
Somebody save me, I just wanna be loved
I, I am waiting for the afterlife
To show me a good time, baby
Somebody save me, I just wanna be loved

When I was 16, I was Ivy League bound, spoke even faster than I do today, was dating a boy who was over 18, and doing things my 20-year-old self face palms at. (For the record, Mormon Church parking lots are not reliable locations to hook up in, not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything.) I didn’t know who I was supposed to be but I thought I was in love and maybe I was in love because I was 16 and he was easy to fall in love with, but I wasn’t remotely ready for all that came with love. I wasn’t the girls that Lana describes in “This is What Makes Us Girls”; I was their patronizing city cousin who was falling apart just as much as them even though she forced herself look put together because her life was characterized by hyper-repressive self control. Now, I’ve abandoned most of that superiority but I’ve still never danced on the table of a dive bar.

“This is What Makes Us Girls” is about the period in our lives where we think we’re invincible because we’re young and beautiful and people tell us we can exercise control over the turbulent world we’re being thrust into using our beauty and charm but the truth of the matter is that we can’t in the words of Cersei Lannister, “Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls.”

“This is What Makes Us Girls” reminds me of the uncomfortable, distasteful, oh so common feeling of being looked at, of wearing jeans and sweatshirts in peak summer so men don’t look at me, of refusing to smile at all in public because any form of courtesy or affection is designated as a sign of romantic or sexual interest. The difference between being looked at and being seen is that being looked at isn’t about the woman herself, it’s about the person doing the looking; being seen is about attempting to know the woman for who she is rather than solely what she looks like. The thing is, this song details the existence of an archetypal character, the teenage girl, and although people may relate to certain aspects of the trope, the girl isn’t entirely real but her feelings and her sentiments are entirely rooted in staunch, dirty, downtrodden reality.

“High heels in her hands, swayin’ in the wind/While she starts to cry, mascara runnin’ down her little Bambi eyes:/“Lana, how I hate those guys."” Even at my lowest point, I wouldn’t dare hold my heels in my hands; a lady knows how to walk, skip, run and dance in heels and if Ginger Rogers did it then why can’t I? I don’t wear mascara because I don’t have little Bambi eyes, I have big ones that make me look 16 in certain lights, and I’m entirely used to getting what I want in the way that Lana pretends she is, yearning that it will eventually become true. But, the amount of times I’ve uttered the last statement is uncountable. How dare men hurt me? How dare they hurt my friends? It’s simple- we live in an abjectly patriarchal society that lauds men for conforming to societal standards of masculinity defined by the ill treatment of girls and young women and instead of fighting back, so many men find it easier to perpetuate those standards because they’re rewarded for it.

I end this piece with a question: what really makes us girls? To me, girlhood was about meticulously repressive control of my body and my mind. “High achiever don’t you see/baby nothing comes for free they say I’m a control freak/driven by a need to succeed,” to quote Marina Diamandis, because that was who I was. I was so high strung I felt like I was hanging off the edge of a cliff by a single thread and I still feel as tightly wound as a bow most of the time although I’m slowly learning to let go of what I cannot control. People still say to this day that my very existence gives them anxiety though.

I had too much emotion in me to ever succeed at holding up that image of control though. I can make jokes about hipster clubs with PBR and clove cigarettes because I know what they’re like and have experienced firsthand the absurdity of bands that sing songs like “We Are Hipster,” I know what it’s like to have a boy look at me and very seriously tell me he was sad because he’d never date anybody as beautiful as me (as if there was nothing more interesting about me than my so-called beauty), and I never have and probably never will own a black bikini because that’s simply not who I am, but I had a blue striped bikini and I remember the feeling of being looked at in it that I’ll never forget no matter how much I want to.

I didn’t want to, I had to...

There is a constant struggle in my head fighting these two things. Just like in cartoons there are two guides on my shoulders, but not in the form of an angel and a devil. They are both just me; one on the right being logic and brain thought, the other on the left being heart and feeling driven.

I used to go with my heart a lot. Being young and carefree, we don’t listen to sound logic very much. We’re just waiting for that next really, really good feeling that fills us up inside. We’re kind of oblivious to the world around us. People always say that when we’re young we feel invincible. I don’t think it’s necessarily that, we just know that we’re not ready to deal with all that the “real world” has in store for us. So we try to hold on to that feeling as long as possible. 

At some point reality hits. For some, it’s dealing with an early pregnancy. For others, an early marriage. For others, the death of a loved one. For others, a financial crisis that hits close to home. For others, it may even be the day they graduate high school and realize maybe it’s time to grow up a little.

However we get to that point, we always have moments where we want to go back. We crave that innocence again. We keep on the look out for those emotions that make us feel like a person with no responsibilities. Sometimes it can lead to very bad places. Others, very good. 

The last thing I wrote here was a letter to my girlfriend who passed a little over 10 years ago. I wish I could say that was my moment of clarity where it was time to grow up. It wasn’t. I was a complete mess for about a year following. The person I loved the most had been robbed of her youth, so I was doing my best to keep mine alive. But I wasn’t smart about it. 

My moment of clarity came on a snowy night in December back home when I was still living with my dad and his new wife. I was eating dinner and having a few drinks at a bar. I knew the weather wasn’t going to be great so I decided to leave early…well, early for me at the time. I barely had what I would call “my buzz” at the time. 

I passed a state patrol car on my way home and noticed he did a U-turn and began to follow me. My anxiety went off the charts; I had only been pulled over once before for a license plate light being out. That’s very different from a DUI. I wasn’t speeding, I wasn’t driving left of center…but I was driving cautiously. The cop could have pulled me over on suspicion alone. 

Fight or flight kicked in and I took a back road, thinking “he’s state highway patrol, he’s not gonna follow me.” Oh but he did. He followed me for a good half mile or so before realizing that I knew these roads better than he did. So I see him pull off and I’m thinking I’m in the clear. Happy ending right? Wrong. 

Another mile or two down this road I hit a patch of black ice, my car did a 540 degree turn and slid backwards, down a hill and into a small tree butt first. The car was at a 45 degree angle being held up by this small tree, planted there by an angel from above. Had it not been there the car would have certainly slid further down this hill and possibly rolled. If you’ve seen the movie Black Sheep, when Chris Farley’s character rolls down the hill and he finds a plant to grab then says “Oh, thank you little roots,” before sliding further? That was me. 

There was no way I was getting this car out of the snow, so I had to make the embarrassing call to my dad to come help me. Thankfully, my step brother knew people with big tow trucks and they were available at the time…another blessing on this night. We eventually got the car out and I was able to drive it home with barely anything but a dented and scratched bumper and some dirt in the axles. 

But that was my moment. From then on, I went with a lot of decisions based on logic, sound reasoning and odds that things wouldn’t go bad if I did things a certain way. And it was great for a while. I ended up leaving the area where I grew up, inevitably found a new girlfriend and got my Master’s degree a few years after that. 

You know what though? Doing things you have to do sucks. Like, really sucks. Especially if you go with that little guy on the right shoulder 95% more than the one on the left. It certainly hasn’t made me any happier doing things I have to; it’s actually led me into a more depressive state at times. 

About a year ago I made a feeling-driven decision that changed my entire lifestyle and it felt wonderful. It felt normal. It felt right. And lately I’ve been making decisions based on my gut and heartfelt feelings more than my head. I feel more like myself when it happens. 

Every so often though, a situation comes up when I have to make a heady choice and the conflict returns. The struggle is harder now because of how I’ve been living lately. I really, really, really want to follow my heart. But I can’t. Sometimes we can’t be selfish, even though everything in our bones is telling us that this is the right thing. 

I don’t want to do this, but I have to. 

When adults say, “Teenagers think they are invincible” with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don’t know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.
—  Looking For Alaksa.
The First Day of My SATURN RETURN

People seem to disagree on when your Saturn Return actually happens. Does it start when Saturn goes into your sign? Or does it start when transit Saturn actually conjuncts your natal Saturn?

I’m going to be a Libra about it, and ease your struggles: 

It’s both. 

.

You see, when Saturn enters a sign, we enter a new consciousness as a people. 

{Saturn entered SAGITTARIUS and we all felt like if we played too hard, and didn’t work, we would miss out on the dollars, all the recognition, and all the good times to be had when we were dead.

Saturn entered CAPRICORN and we couldn’t remember the last time we felt so powerless. Everything was going well in our clouded minds, and now it’s all fucking gone. You can’t even work for it. Bubble burst. 

Saturn entered AQUARIUS and we were feeling pretty fucking good about ourselves. Getting away with murder, but then getting upset that no one noticed. 

Saturn entered PISCES and delusion, fear and panic swept the world. 

Saturn entered ARIES, and we were all like, “Who the fuck am I?” “Why am I a democrat?” “Do I smell like cherries?" 

Saturn entered TAURUS and our stability was taken away. My mom left my dad for a year. We moved. I was young, but I’m still dealing with the aftermath of that. 

Saturn entered GEMINI, and people were talking. Talking bout people. I hear them whisper. You won’t believe it. 

Saturn entered CANCER, family drama either forced us together or apart. Divorce. Abandonment. Sadness. Emotional repression. I for one, realized that I was more than my family, but it was also my "Saturn Trine”, so it did wonders for my growth, unlike my square with Saturn in Leo:

Saturn entered LEO, and we all dealt with ego issues. I remember those years, they were awful. From feeling invincible, to being shot down by every living person. Your own self worth is diminished so that you might build something real from the ashes. 

Saturn entered VIRGO, and we were forced to let go of the dreams we’ve had for our lives, and focus on the day to day suckiness of actual existence. I swear, even though these years were easier than Leo, I was so bored, and never felt like a Lion. But I did lose my virginity. So that’s good. (Virgo=Virgin [no more])

Saturn entered LIBRA, and we all had to reevaluate our relationships. I got married, because well, I will have to quote Harry Burns: “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Saturn enters SCORPIO. People start dying. Chaos ensues. Everybody panics. And here we will start my story.}

I started feeling the pressure of my Saturn Return, the moment Saturn went into Scorpio. The day it happened I actually cheered, because it was no longer conjuncting my SUN. Then I freaked out, because I was so scared of what it was going to mean for my life. Saturn Return has so much stigma around it, and it’s scary to even read about. 

Transformation? Ew. 

Change? Gross. 

Hardships and Loss? Welcome to my life, I thought that part was over already. 

Apparently not. 

I would be lying if I didn’t say that immediately life got harder in the area that life has always been hard for me. 

My Saturn is in Scorpio, in the 8th house.

When it first entered Scorpio, it was still in my 7th house. So it continued to test my relationship with my husband. It brought in outside forces to fuck with us. I even had to get a lawyer (7th house stuff). I was thrilled when it finally entered my 8th house. 

-Until I realized how much money I spent on the lawyer. (The 8th house is other people’s money, and being plagued by poor relations.) 

-Until someone I helped out during a tough time, started publicly trying to dismiss me as a bully for personal gain. (The 8th house is gossip, and bad blood being spread.) 

-Until so many people I had loved, had died. (The 8th house is death.) 

-Until I realized that I didn’t feel loved unless I was getting sex everyday. (The 8th house is Sex.) 

So have I been going through my Saturn Return these last couple years? ABSO-fucking-LUTELY. 

BUT, today was different.

Today I felt anxiety and fear like no other. Today I had my sister cut my hair, because all at once, after ten years, it felt too heavy for my head. Today I looked at the calendar and realized that Saturn had finally moved in to conjunction territory. 

This was it. I was feeling the pressures. And I wanted to hide. But seriously, I was forced to be out and about. See people. Read charts. Meet with strangers. Collab. Help a friend out. 

Today was kinda my worst nightmare. But it’s over now and tomorrow is new and fresh with it’s own anxieties. And for the the next two weeks I will be living in my exact Saturn Return. 

But I must add, with all those setbacks, do you know how much good has happened in the last couple years?

-My YouTube channel grew from 400-30,000 subscribers.

-Due to lack of money, I was forced to make a career out of reading charts, which I never would have done on my own. 

-I became a more complete and confident human being. 

-I gave birth to a new entity. A human entity.  

-I made so many great connections. with so many beautiful and like-minded individuals. 

-I found my path and my purpose. 

Saturn Returns are seriously the shit. And I can’t wait to tell you more about what I uncover while Saturn hits home for the the first time in my life. 

To Be Continued…

Everybody* Loves Baldur

We are going to take a DETOUR from Arthurian mythos and Robin “Psychopath In The” Hood stories to explore the bizarre and extravagant lands of Old Norse mythos. Now, I know I say this about lots of different mythos, but, boy oh boy, Norse mythos, wild stuff, you’ll see. Today, we’ll talk about the supposed owner of a gate a lot of people who like classic Western RPGs are familiar with: Baldur.

Now, before even getting into Old Norse mythos, you need to understand something: No one is fully sure what Old Norse mythos is. A lot of scholars are not sure what the hell some characters are supposed to even be, but at least, unlike Irish mythos, we have mostly accurate ways to pronounce their names, so at least we can refer to them by name properly while we wonder what the fuck is going on instead of being stuck at “Dfk… Dufil… Dukfil… THAT DUDE went and asked Medb something”. But the thing is, Norse mythos is mostly preserved in its general gist, since a lot of the writings dealing with the itty gritty details are often damaged so there’s lotsa personal conjecture. 

BUT TODAY YOU MUSTN’T WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THAT BECAUSE BALDUR’S STORY IS ONE OF THEM WELL PRESERVED ONES, HAHA, PSYCHE, I BET I HAD YER KNICKERS IN A TWISTER. Aaalright, so, Baldur, Baldur’s the god of Light, or maybe Love, possibly Peace, no one is sure because he is never explicitly mentioned as being a “god of this thing”, but it’s mostly assumed he is the God of Light because of something I’ll mention later, and the thing with Baldur is that EVERYONE loves him. Baldur’s super hot and super nice, and he knows it, but he isn’t stuck up about it, he’s honestly the ideal person, Norse people back then would often beg for Baldur’s blessings on their newborn babies so they would be hot and cool like him. Practically everyone likes Baldur. Hell, it gets to such a point that, in another story not entirely relevant to today’s, the giantess Skadi, who is the first recorded person in history and lore to have a raging foot fetish, saw these GORGEOUS toes and immediately assumed “THOSE GOTTA BE BALDUR’S, ONLY BALDUR CAN HAVE FEET THIS GOD DAMN BEAUTIFUL, I AM GONNA SUCK THOSE TOES” and asked for marriage immediately, except, the feet weren’t Baldur’s, they were Njord’s (another god), and Skadi was like “aw fuck” and they got married because Njord happened to be a macrophile and liked his women big, but as with all marriages shotgunned into place by fetishes and a lack of contact, they ended up divorcing. BUT THAT is another story (and a good one, Skadi’s a fun lady). The point is, Baldur is so widely god damn loved that shit like this apparently happened a couple of times. You know you are a Pussy Destroyer when someone gets Schrodinger’s Married because it could possibly be you.

So Baldur was basically living the life, being nice, hot, and beloved, when one day, he starts having bad dreams. In these dreams, Baldur dies. Now, this is the part where you say “uh ok”, and this is the part where I explain “DREAMS WERE ALWAYS PROPHETIC IN NORSE MYTHOS” and now you say “oh”. So yeah, Baldur was going to die. Which made zero sense, because he is a god, and thus, biologically immortal (as in, [Shirou voice] only dies if he’s killed, won’t die of old age), so if he was going to die, it meant that someone was plotting to kill him. So Baldur goes to his daddy, Odin, and he’s crying and holding onto his blanket so Odin gets worried, as any father does, and asks “SON, DID YOU GET A BOO BOO, WHAT IS WRONG”, and Baldur explains he’s been dreaming he’s gonna die, and Frigg (his mother, Odin’s wife, the goddess also known as Frea, not to be confused with Freya) is also really sad because she’s also been dreaming that Baldur’s gonna kick the bucket, and in Norse mythos, when TWO whole people have the same dream, that’s basically something that WILL happen. Also, it makes no sense, because everybody loves Baldur, so who the fuck would want him dead? You know what else makes no sense? That Odin seems to forget his piece of shit son Loki exists. WAU.

So, shit, alright, fuck, we gotta deal with this, pronto, and Powermom is here to help. Frigg gets on her soccer mom van and drives at full speed across the Norse world and makes everything promise that they will not harm nor kill Baldur, ever. Notice I said everyTHING and not everyONE. That’s right, fellas, Frigging Frigg talked to absolutely everything in the world and made them promise to not kill Baldur, which was actually pretty easy, because everyone was like “yeah sure man we love Baldur, why would we harm him in the first place, we just want his autograph and his babies”, because if you are hot and nice, the world is yours. So now the whole world promised to not harm Baldur under any circumstance. The whole world, except the mistletoe, because the mistletoe was too young to make promises, so Frigg didn’t make it swear anything aND YOU NO DOUBT KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING. It’s like when I tell you “So SIegfried is invulnerable EXCEPT for a leaf shaped spot on his back” or “Achilles is impervious to all damage EXCEPT in his tendon”, old literature was kinda UNCOUTH AND HEAVY on the foreshadowing, as reading mythology will often tell you.

So Baldur is now literally impervious to all forms of damage, because the world promised not to harm him. So what do you do when you are undamageable? Why, you get shit thrown at you for kicks and giggles! The god damn gods, with Baldur also into it, straight developed this hobby of having B-Boy stand in the middle of the hall while everyone threw spears and arrows and axes and rockets and chairs at him just for a laugh and watch as they all missed or failed to injury him in the slightest because, hey, promises are promises. This is the part where I tell you that Humans Have Always Been Humans, even gods, because if we have the opportunity to do something incredibly stupid like lugging javelins at a dude just to see what happens if we know it won’t hurt him, you damn right know we will. So they gods are getting shitfaced and rowdy with this whole Put The Spear On Baldur game they made up, when Loki, using his Robbie Rotten powers to disguise into an old lady, approaches Fregg, who was having a laugh watching at literally everyone throw sharp shit at her invincible son.

“HEY FREGG, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS”

“Oh, you know, the world promised not to harm Baldur, see, so now we are just throwing shit at him, it’s ok”

“Everything promised not to harm him?”

“Well, yeah, everything except the mistletoe, because it’s too young to make promises, but it’ll be alright”

“YES INDEED VERY VERY ALRIGHT”

So Loki fucks off and goes to find a mistletoe, naturally. And this one isn’t for kissing, no sir, because Loki somehow sharpens the mistletoe and makes it into a mistlefoe, and fashions a god damn spear out of the mistlefoe because Fuck You He’s Loki And He Can Do That. Now, we all know a good trickster doesn’t get his own hands dirty, so he’s going around with his mistlefoe spear, looking for someone to Do The Deed, when he finds Hod (also known as Hodur), the blind twin brother of Baldur, crying in a corner. 

“Sup B, why you crying”

“Well, everyone is having fun throwing miscellaneous war paraphernalia at my bro and they won’t let me in ‘cause I’m blind as a bat and they are afraid I might hit someone else”

“How Unreasonable Of Them To Not Let The Blind Dude Throw Killthings! I have just the thing for you! I will lend you my spear, so go have a swing at B-Boy”

“SU-WEET”

So Hod, armed with the Mistlefoe Spear, takes a running start and throws that sucker with a smile on his face, rolls a natural 20, and deals the Criticalest of fucking Hits on Baldur, landing the spear SQUARE on his heart. Why were they even AFRAID of this dude missing, the guy was clearly a marksman. Except, this was the mistletoe, so it pierced Baldur’s gorgeous, well oiled pectorals easily, stabbed his heart, and killed him dead. Oops.

Odin was like “??????” and was SO PISSED that he went, had mega sex with the giantess Rindr, gave birth to Vali as soon as they were done, and Vali grew into adulthood after a single day and then killed Hod. Do you ever get SO ANGRY that you go have sex with a giantess just to spawn a kid that immediately becomes a warrior JUST to kill a dude that pissed you off? Odin, you could’ve just HIT HIM yourself, what the fuck.

Well, anyways, so everyone was pretty sad because Cool Guy Had Bad Day and died. Messengers everywhere we doling out the news, women wept, men cried, it was a bad day. It was such a bad day that Hel, ruler of, uh, Hell, was like “aw shucks that kinda sucks?”, and as much as she liked the guy, Hel had a job to do as the rule of the underworld, but she decided to make an exception this one time, but only if the world earned it. Hel grabbed her megaphone and yelled “ALRIGHT KIDS, so I know you are all very sad Baldur’s dead and you want him back, so I am going to make a ONE TIME EXCEPTION, I will let him out of the underworld and revive, only, and ONLY, if everyone in the world cries and weeps for him”.

And everyone was like pffff no biggie, we love that dude, let’s CRY, so they did. Hel’s doing the checklist, like some sort of twisted Santa Klaus, checking who’s crying, and the list is almost full, but then she burrows her brow and drops the list. “Well, I guess Baldur is not coming back to life, that one girl didn’t cry” and everyone was like “WHAT WHO”

So Hel points at the giantess Thokk, whose name literally means “thanks”, ironically enough, and says “she ain’t crying, deal’s off” and she closes the Underworld, presumably to fangirl out to Baldur who lived there now. So everyone’s naturally like “THOKK WHAT THE FUCK” but then Freddy from Scooby Doo is like “Wait, there’s something fishy about this” and removes her face and, What Do You Know, It Was Loki In Disguise. He went and ruined EVERYTHING for EVERYONE again. And I don’t simply mean “he made sure someone everyone loved died and stayed dead”, I mean “Loki got Baldur killed and kickstarted the Ragnarok” because Baldur’s death robbed the world of light, hence why he’s assumed to be the God of Light.

So uh

Good job buddy.

Also, Loki literally had nothing to gain from this. Ragnarok’s also a really bad deal for him. He just… Did it. Because.

So the real message of the Story of Baldur is that one very dedicated asshole can and will ruin things for everyone and everything if left to his own devices.