so my brother in law wanted to go on a side quest for his pathfinder homegame, for a perfectly ordinary, but very expensive, emerald necklace. he needed one more player, so I offered to help.
so there’s my bard, his magus, and his two friends first level fighter and sorcerer.
we explored the town, found that despite being almost completely abandoned, this tiny-ass town had a horde of zombies, choker vines everywhere, a cult, and a motherfucking dragon.
We destroyed the choker vines, avoided the zombies, had tea with the cultists. We also found the emerald.
brother-in-law: “before we leave, where is the dragon?”
cultist tells him it lives in this old, ruined keep with no top at the edge of town. where we go, because apparently, I’m slow on the uptake.
Me: “wait. why are we going there?”
Brother-in-law: “because we haven’t killed the dragon”
Me: “… why do we need to kill the dragon?”
Brother-in-law: “well, dragons have hordes.”
Me: “and will continue to have it with more satisfaction when we are dead?”
Brother-in-law: “I don’t care what you do, but I’m going.”
Me (thinking): oh my god. I’m the healer you moron! how am I supposed to just let you do that??
Me: “fine, I’ll go die with you.”
So we go in, and I attempt to talk the dragon out of his horde- which goes over better than expected.
GM (my dad, for reference): “roll sense motive”
my bard: 18
GM: “ you think if you give it the emerald it will let you leave.”
Brother-in-law: “Nope” attacks the dragon.
initiative hits, no one counts as surprised here and the dragon rolls a 2.
I immediately roll up a intimidate check and because it is my character’s specialty, I shake the dragon for four rounds, then the squishies and I fall back to the human-sized part of the structure and let the magus tangle with the lizard.
the magus starts of with a crit, and confirms it. the dragon pulls a full round but only hits once. the following three rounds the magus does near max damage, and the dragon continues to miss for the sake of bad die rolls. Meanwhile, me and the sorcerer are taking what pot-shots we can through the archway.
over all, it goes well, but even with the dragon missing like crazy, Brother-in-law’s magus is being torn up badly.
Brother-in-law: “so can we withdraw-”
Me: “No, we can’t because we had to come into the dragon’s lair and now we are stuck with it because the motherfucker has wings. Now fight the lizard.”
finally the dragon decides it’s sick of how hard it is to hit and climbs up the wall out of the magus reach.
the magus casts an ranged spell, makes spell resist
DM: “okay, it’s dead”
Me: “wait, really? but no one’s dead”
DM: “yup because my dice are mutinous bastards. one more round and you’d have been dead- it was climbing over to go collapse the roof on you”
Brother-in-law: “See, <my name>, it was fine. we-”
Me: “shush. this was luck we should be dead. let’s find it’s horde and leave.”
DM: “you don’t find it- it’s no where in the keep.”
Me: frustrated “well that’s great. then we leave. No, I’m not healing you till tomorrow.”
then we fought 20 cultists. they killed the 1st lv fighter. I blame the ninny that asked the dragon cultist where the dragon was.