I never knew a sadness like this could exist until after you, that all the light you read about in places you would like to visit can exist in the beat of a heart that only glances your way when the mirror is too full of sunrises we lost a kiss to. I’ve been unwrapping commas at the end of every song that shouldn’t play like your name, every song that missed a step more than our whispers that only outlined the moon. the ocean is a reminder that even beauty can sink without a season to wear, and baby that’s why we never saw eye to eye. Having a hand to hold doesn’t mean you’ll never fall, recognizing laughter amongst stars that keep moving in the direction we should be doesn’t mean you can’t kiss happiness. Tonight, I’m missing a touch I’ll never feel again, lips I lost to the past I can only visit in, a heart that has healed in a shape that has pushed out my name, and maybe just because I broke your heart, it doesn’t mean I own it. So I’ve been owning up to my mistakes. 1. I should’ve loved you more, but instead I left us with more reasons as to why number 2 makes sense. 2. I always wondered why they made sure we use number 2 pencils to erase a problem that couldn’t be answered because we didn’t study, so we’ve been failing and you can’t Christmas tree the scantron if all you’ve been trying to do is find the angel on top that doesn’t have wings or a halo to match, that’s the problem with the youth. We don’t listen long enough to hear the true meaning. We just say, yeah, I’m listening. I am paying attention. I am here. 3. I should have demanded your pulse, I should have given life to you, but we chose lust and death to paint our insides. Black is in once again and I fear, this time I’m all out of colors to name the stars into holes that we can’t fill. I’m all out of light, I’m all out of excuses. I want you, but I don’t want you. I need you, but I hate that I need you. I fucked up, but I just wanted us to work. I can’t get you out of my head, I just tell people that I already did. I can feel you in my heart, but I could’ve sworn you tore our limbs off and lost your apologies when we kissed Limbo two knees deep into lava, we were just kids experimenting with science fiction and proclaiming that if love was a rocket, then we’ve got the safest trip. To the moon and back, to the stars and afar. Submarine kind of dance, I’ll be at the ocean floor waiting for your feet to hit the ground, black cat with nine lives– I’ve killed myself a dozen nights to forget the fight or flight response. I fly into your arms when I’m weak. I fight myself to recognize my own beauty. We were designed for this, a hack straight down your spine, where is my mind? I have lost it. Have you seen it? If you do, please tell it to return. Home is where I long to be, you is where I am no longer. Arms used to be pillows and lips used to rooms that we could live in. Which words did we say the most again? Somewhere under these stars, surely, we have found the answers. Lover, dear lover, throw us to the wolves and never worry if the moon is howling instead of shining.
Hey, the song Hope for Now by City and Colour is the most upsetting Scanlan song I've ever heard in my life :)