we are all leg ends im telling you

i can’t tell if im getting better or worse. see, the aching in my heart has stopped but now my hands just cannot stop shaking. ive stopped crying everyday but now i just end up throwing things at the wall and hurting myself. my hands are rubbed raw from hanging onto the last remains of you, my legs are burning from all the running away i seem to do, and my soul is so goddamn tired. i can’t sleep it out because even in my sleep, i think of you and what i had hoped we could’ve been. i can’t stop burning my skin in the shower, i can’t stop hoping you’ll beg for me not to let go of you. i can’t stop holding on and jesus fuck more than anything, i want to let go but my hands have only ever know how to hold on as tight as possible. // tell me to let go, make this easier for me, stop making me want to hold on. i want to fucking let go.

8

#HAPPYXIUHANDAY

i wish i could celebrate this special day with all of you guys. Imagine us, celebrating xiuhan day with minseok and luhan in a coffee shop (and xiuhan making coffee for us). and then suddenly a live band (the exo members with yixing playing the guitar and chanyeol with the drums) will be performing with xiuhan, singing lucky. and then we’ll just cry and wave our xiuhan light sticks and banners. we could drink coffee and talk about xiuhan all day, and that will be worth remembering. and then after that we could go on a road trip journey with xiuhan. xiuhan in the passenger seat and either luhan/minseok is driving. then we will reach our destination, which is the soccer field. we could play there all afternoon. team luhan against team minseok. then at night we could go camping and make a bonfire and talk about xiuhan’s lives and have tents (xiuhan is sleeping in one tent) and then we could wake up very early to see minseok and luhan’s legs all tangled and some hugging, maybe. and then we could take pictures of them and just giggle. and then luhan will wake up and tell us to stay away because he needs ‘some time with minseok, alone’. and then when the day ends. we will take plenty of pictures with xiuhan in different kinds of places. (i just have so many thoughts with all of us, we’re like a family. im feeling emotional right now. June 23rd makes me emotional.)