ways i fall asleep

k so i have approx 4 hours until this coffee wears off & i can go to sleep. that sounds like just enough time to fall in love, internally wrestle with some existential conflict regarding that love, break my own heart, and fall out of love again. who is keen?

I can’t wait to move into an apartment with my person and decorate it the way we want. I can’t wait to fall asleep by my person in our bed and wake up to her every morning. I can’t wait to cook her dinner and bring her shower beers and warm towels. I can’t wait to stay up all night doing our grad school work together with a pot of coffee between us. I’m so excited to struggle through adulthood with my person, ya know?

There is no wrong place to pray. I pray at my desk, on my living room floor, on the couch beside my dogs, in my bed, beside my bed, in the bathroom, in the shower, in the car on my way to work, walking down the street, in the morning when I wake up, in the evenings before I fall asleep.

There is no wrong way to pray. I pray with my eyes, closed, with my eyes open, with my knees on the ground, standing up, sitting down, curled into a ball, holding my own hands, moving my hands around, raising my hands in the air, holding someone else’s hands. 

There is no wrong way to say a prayer. Some days I repeat myself over and over, some days I cry, some days I get angry, some days I tell Him everything, some days I can’t seem to tell Him anything, some days I use flowery language, some days I use foul language, some days I use hardly any language. Help me, I whisper. 

There is no wrong place to pray, there is no wrong way to pray, there is no wrong way to talk to our Creator, our Father, our best friend, our God.

For every lie that you’ve ever whispered, every girl you’ve  kissed that wasn’t me, every phone call you’ve declined and every drink that ever passed your lips, I loved you. In your darkest hours, in spite of your ugliest thoughts, and regardless of every night I lay in bed shattered to my spine, I loved you. I loved you in ways that you didn’t deserve, and I spent too many months falling asleep to the sound of my heart breaking. I hope some day you realise that I was the love of your life, and that you hate yourself for not loving me enough even more than i hate myself for loving you too much
—  too late ~ blue-delusion
Something funny happened this morning

So my mother had called our electrical company to check out our heater and had forgotten about it .so I’m awake from hearing the doorbell and she asks me to put my dog in the backyard and let the dude in.so I do and ok so it is 730 in the morning and I just woke up and the dude asks what’s wrong with the heater (you know because its not working)and I start off with “oh our uh handy man said the thing is not working the um uhh” (I was thinking motor but couldn’t remember the word ) and I go on with “um the thing that makes it go” (I even do hand motions ) the guy luckily just laughs it off and says yeah

I need the sea
image by víctor m. alonso

“I need the sea because it teaches me,
I don’t know if I learn music or awareness,
if it’s a single wave or its vast existence,
or only its harsh voice or its shining
suggestion of fishes and ships.
The fact is that until I fall asleep,
in some magnetic way I move in
the university of the waves.”

from the poem THE SEA, by Pablo Neruda