Amazing things about the last issue of Batman


Jason, Dick, Damian, Bruce and Duke having lunch at a Bat-burguer place (where they have red hood action figures and jokerized ships, that Jason wants to try). 


the way Bruce eats a hamburger and the fact that the boys make fun of him for it (plus Damian trying to kill Jason with food).


the way they talk about their deaths as it was nothing, and Duke being the only one who realizes thats not normal. 

this hole issue was just like a big fanfic and I love DC for it.

Reasons to be happy today:

  • Damian has a habit of bugging rooms when he thinks he’s missing information. The rest of the family is very well-trained, so the hardware gets spotted almost immediately. Most of them return the bugs so Damian knows they found them, but Stephanie and Tim have taken to staging elaborate conversations underneath them instead.
  • “Tim listen I’m kinda worried about this audio file I found in Bruce’s database” “okay let’s hear it” “but it’s kind of shady and I think it’s about you” “wow that’s really weird but …play it I guess” [full volume rick roll] [Damian yanks out his earbuds in disgust] [loud laughter from across the room]
  • Additional tactics: slow burn jokes with the punchline fifteen minutes in, completely fictional information regarding narcotic deals on the elementary school campus (resulting in photographs of Damian camped out inside a tunnel slide), false accounts of criminal activity at the local pizzeria with the follow up text “hey since you’re there can you pick up our order?”
  • I assume that Duke has to do a bunch of background reading on all the cases Bruce has worked over the years, but really– considering Bruce’s canonical history, some of those are gonna be pretty wild, to the point where Duke probably wouldn’t be able to tell if one of the other kids slipped in a few fake ones.
  • Am I saying that Duke thinks Bruce spent four months infiltrating a Chuck E. Cheese back in ‘09? Yes. The file said it was a front for weapons trafficking. It’s not like it’s any weirder than the rest of it.

okay but…Wayne Enterprises. There is no way that Thomas Wayne, a doctor, could fundamentally have managed both careers. In name, yes, but not in presence. He was a DOCTOR. Do you know how many hours doctors work?
With these thoughts established, I think we all know what I’m leading to.
Martha Wayne probably ran the company.
Had a question? Martha Wayne. Needed a signature? Martha Wayne. Had a pitch? Martha Wayne.
It was a well-oiled system, but there needed to be an acting CEO. And I believe that acting CEO would be Martha.
This, of course, brings up little five year old Bruce being brought to the office whenever she needed to pop in.
I’M NOT SAYING think about tiny Brucie dashing through the halls and the older employees remembering those occasions every time they look upon their fine and respectable CEO adult Bruce Wayne, but…it’s there if you want it.

Alfred as emergency contact

- In school when they ask for the emergency contact, all the boys put Alfred down because let’s be honest he is more liekly to get there before Bruce.
- Duke learned quickly that Alfred is quicker to reach for problems then Bruce. At least for Alfred theres only one number to call.
- For Dick at the BHPD Alfred is his number one contact. Bruce wasn’t added till later. Note says to call Alfred first though.
- Somehow he landed on as extra emergency contacts for Stephanie and Harper. He has Stephanie’s mom number saved in case as well.
- Tim has his number in speed dial for his own phone and his office at WE.
- In Jason’s phone Alfred in the number listed. Under relationship it says grandfather.
- The only numbers most of them have memorized is Alfreds and the manors.
- This means he gets the calls for fights in school and if one lands in jail. Those calls he kindly tells Bruce about.
- Damian also results in getting calls from zoos and other places filled with animals.
- Most go to see him instead of a doctor. This usually results in him dragging them to Leslie’s if its bad enough.

  • Jason: okay but, what if I kill Donald Trump?
  • Everyone: ..........
  • Damian: We'll forgive you.
  • Duke: We'll help you out of prison if you get caught.
  • Bruce: Boys no! You will not encourage your brother to kill Donald Trump on the 20th of July while he's in Gotham for a business meeting with Wayne enterprise at 5 pm in the 10th floor conference room with the big and wide windows! Right next to the almost finished new skyscraper! Which I'm not going to attend because Damian has the 'flu'.
  • Damian: *fake cough*

just because you have to patrol on halloween doesn’t mean you can’t dress up like gotham’s favorite vigilante

Alfred head cannons

- This man is a saint or a god. The family has let to figure out which one. Damian is personally voting for a ninja.

- It is one thing to disobey Bruce, but disobey Alfred yeah no. Everyone will tell you not to for a reason.

- Lets be real he is the head of the family. He keeps them all together and keeps them from killing each other sometimes.

- The bat kids brag to their friends about him. Especially when he makes them cookies.

- Half the family ships him with Dr. Thompkins.

- He is the one person who can scare Batman.

- The poor man has had to bury a few of the batkids and thought Bruce was dead at one time. His ability to carry on after each time just shows how strong he is.

- No one knows his actual age not even Bruce.

- No one can be mad at him. If Bruce pisses one of the family members off, they will still keep tabs with Alfred.

- He keeps a scrapbook of pictures of random moments with the family.

- One time Bruce was on pain meds after a really bad injury and was so out of it he called Alfred dad. Alfred had to leave the room because he was crying.

- This is his family. He saw Bruce as a son and the kids as grandchildren. There is nothing more this man could want. Well maybe for Bruce to settle down around and not as many injuries.

- He knows Martha and Thomas Wayne would be proud of the family now. He only wishes they could see the manor with the children running around. He only hopes that he did a good job and they are proud.

anonymous asked:

What would the Batfam give to Dick in his bday?

-Bruce would probably give him some money or something because Dick has gone through numerous phases and so his interests always change and there was that one year where he asked Bruce to buy him a $999.99 dollar friendship necklace set of two forks that said “father” and “son” on them (Bruce said no, Dick was very upset)

-Jason would get him like a rock or something he found in a dumpster and wrap it in duct tape and just watch Dick struggle to open it before seeing that it’s trash. And then Jason would give him a nice card or something like that

-Tim would get him a nice sweater because people always steal Dick’s sweaters (usually Tim, Damian, and Cass) but it would probably be one that Tim wanted and would later steal

-Steph would get him a gag gift like a Batman snuggie except Dick would genuinely love it and so the humorous effect is lost but she’s glad Dick likes it

-Damian would go all out on a gift and then act like it’s no biggie. He’d probably paint something really cool and then brush it off like he didn’t just spend a month and a half making it

-Cass would make him a really cute card and get him something he had wanted/needed that he had mentioned offhandedly in a conversation a while back

-Babs would get him clothes probably because lord knows this man child cannot dress himself in a way that doesn’t make him look like a colour and pattern blind person

-Duke gets him various Superman paraphernalia that Dick could decorate his room with (and it always makes Bruce super pissed off/secretly jealous)

-Alfred would make him all of his favourite dishes to take back to Blüdhaven so that he doesn’t get as homesick for Alfred’s cooking

Tbh Jason only ever goes over to the manor to steal shit probably

Like.  He’s out of toilet paper?? Better run over to Bruce’s to grab some.  Or he has a bunch of bagels and no creamcheese? Well Bruce probably has some so.  

And it’s always really stupid stuff like that and it would probably be easier to just go buy it himself but nope. 

Jason’s excuse basically boils down to “He’s rich so it doesn’t matter” Which is true?? but?? Jason what are you doing with your life

Bruce doesn’t mind at all, mostly because he’s glad he and Jason are on good enough terms for him to come to the manor at all so. 

Usually no one even sees him while he’s there, but every once in awhile he’ll bump into Duke or Damian and it’s awkward but mostly on their end if you get me 

( “…Jason why are you here it’s. 2 AM.” “Yeah well i got stabbed a little bit and I”m out of bandaids soo” “….. .… . ….”) 

And then ofc if he runs into Alfred he ends up dragged into staying for dinner, no matter what time it is :)