She smelled like summer. Of fresh grass,
and sweet air. Vilde loved summer. Colours are brighter, the air is warmer, and
skin exposed to the soft, hazy heat. And Eva. Eva was summer.
Her red hair blazing like the sun in the
gloomy winter morning as they stood in the courtyard waiting for school to
start. There are a million things to do today. A math test to study for, an
English project to finish up and not to mention a russ bus to worry about. But
at this moment, all Vilde could do was stand there and smile softly as she
hears Eva’s beautiful lilting accent that has a strangely calming effect on
her. Eva was talking about some shenanigans she heard the third year boys got
up to, and honestly, Vilde couldn’t really care less about it.
Her hand itched to reach out at Eva when
her red hair blew in the gust of wind, to tuck it behind her ear, to feel the
soft skin at her nape as she did it. But she restrained herself. It would look
really weird to do that to your friend in the middle of a conversation with
everyone, wouldn’t it? It would be a nice, friendly thing to do though, Vilde rationalised.
Noora was talking now, Vilde tried to concentrate and shift her attention to
the topic at hand, but every so often, her eyes would catch the little movements
Eva made, when Eva bent forward laughing so hard, and when she brought her hand
up to her neck to adjust her fluffy wool scarf.
Time seems to be moving really slowly. Vilde
sighed internally, fighting the flutter of feelings that keep arising in her
stomach. It’s nothing, she tells herself. Then, a tall figure had joined them.
Ugh, Penetrator Chris, she thought to herself. What is he doing here, doesn’t
he have somewhere else to be? Why is he even at the school so early in the
morning? As he draped his arm around Eva’s shoulders, Vilde felt increasingly
more annoyed by him. Eva, still deep in conversation with the group, wrapped
her arm around his waist naturally. Vilde watched them, her stomach turning a
little. Of course you don’t like him, she thinks, he played with her feelings
before, you’re just looking out for her.
“Hey, I was in the car heading back, you
left your book,” Chris said to Eva, handing her a book. Then, turning to the
group around him, with a smirk, “So, are your girls coming to the party this
Friday?” Vilde watched as Noora visibly tries to contain her distaste. Quickly,
Vilde pasted on a sweet smile and answered, “Of course we are, wouldn’t miss
“Yeah, we’ll be there,” Eva tells Chris,
and lifts up her head towards him and gives him a kiss. “Thanks for bringing my
book for me”, she added. They kiss a little bit more. The bell starts ringing. Vilde
looks away, smiling still, although her cheeks start hurting with the effort of
it. She looks to the rest of the group, her tone high, “Well, girls! We better
get going to class now. Long, busy day ahead!” She laughs, slightly
hysterically. The group starts walking towards the school, while Eva hangs back
in the courtyard with Chris.
“You guys go ahead in first, I’ll catch up
with you later,” Eva calls out to them, Vilde already walking quickly towards
the school doors. She can’t fake her smile anymore. As she reaches the doors,
she waits for the rest of them to go in first. The air feels cold. The wind
icy. Her shoulders suddenly feel heavy. The twinge in her gut is still there.
And she turns to glance at Eva standing there in the courtyard, openly making
out with Chris. Her heart pangs a little, she sighs and turns back to the
doors. It’s going to be a long day.
Two of my friends lost their virginity while we were in high school, and a group of people I was acquainted with kept asking me when I was going to lose mine
I wasn’t sure how to explain to them that I was more fixated on finding the necklace I had lost than losing something else of mine
I couldn’t understand why touching and being touched was so important to so many people I knew, and yet to me, it could not be less important
I didn’t know how to explain to them that sex was the last thing on my mind
And I didn’t know how to explain that to myself either
Because everyone loves sex, everyone wants sex
Not wanting sex makes me
“unable to be seen; not visible to the eye.”
I need to be fixed, that’s what they tell me
I’ll change my mind with age, that’s what they tell me
I just need to meet the right person, that’s what they tell me
Their voices are so loud that I can’t help but to believe that, even though deep down I know they’re wrong
It takes some time, but I’m finally able to discover a different response to the one I’ve been receiving
The internet is helpful, it introduces me to a world of terminology that I was not previously aware of
It shows me the entrance to a community of people who are all going through and experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as I am
But despite that, even with my newfound knowledge, I still feel
“withdrawn from or out of sight; hidden”
There are still so many people trying to tell me that the way I feel isn’t valid
That I’m not real
And even the people who acknowledge that I exist still trying to keep me down by reminding me that my orientation does not face enough grief in order to be valid
Yet when I try to explain who I am, each vocabulary lesson just goes over their heads
And when I try to remind everyone that there isn’t a criteria to be met in order to be queer, they can’t hear me over telling me that life is a pissing contest of who has it worst
So after a while, I stop trying to justify myself and my orientation to everyone else
And instead, I work on validating myself, on accepting myself, on loving myself for who I am
And for what my sexuality is
It’s hard to say the words out loud but after a while, it gets easier to say
My sexuality is
“not perceptible or discernible by the mind”
They say negative voices always speak the loudest and maybe that’s why all I can hear are the sounds of rejection and disapproval
Maybe that’s why I have to spend such a long time making excuses for myself, and forcing myself into relationships and situations that I don’t want
Maybe that’s why it feels like I can never truly be myself
Until one day I can
Until I can finally hear the voices of acceptance
Voices that tell me that it’s okay to be the way I am
Voices that tell me there is nothing wrong with me, that I don’t need to be fixed
Voices that don’t require a vocabulary lesson when I come out to them
Voices that say, “I see you. I see you for who you are. I really do.”
It’s hard to believe and hard to understand at first, but soon enough, I learn to believe them
I learn that I am
able to be seen.
invisibility is not a sexuality (but asexuality is) (cc, 2016)
you guys can check out this poem and so many more in my LGBT+ poetry anthology, coming soon!
You know what’s great? People who
understand that “strong female characters” come in several
forms. A “girl” who compromises often can be just as strong
as a “bitch” who doesn’t bend to anyone ever. Female characters don’t
have to be liked or disliked to be considered strong. A soft-spoken, unsure heroine can be just as compelling as her self-assured, vocal counterpart. A female character doesn’t have to be an asshole, she doesn’t have to be an angel. She doesn’t have to anything except strong in some way to be a strong character. The word strong has more than one meaning. I’m tired of the “strong female character” having to be one thing and one thing only.
In addition, one can dislike
a character and still respect them. People need to stop confusing dislike for a character as viewing
them as lesser. It’s entirely possible for someone to hate a female character (or any character, for that matter) and still see their strength and respect it. Just because it doesn’t happen often doesn’t mean it can’t happen at all.
I’m not sure if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill with this post, and to be honest, I’m not even sure if someone made a post about this before me, but I found this pretty interesting when I came across it, so here goes. I was watching a YouTube video of all the cards/artwork you could find in the Prisma Museum in “Paper Mario: Color Splash”, when suddenly this picture shows up of the concept art for some Toad characters and…wow. This actually answers a question of mine that I’ve had for a really long time: whether or not Toads could be tanner or paler than others. (Just to clarify: I already knew that Toads possessed a few human characteristics, but I wasn’t sure if varying skin colors would be one of them. Well, here’s the answer to my question!)
I don’t know about you, but I would have been 100% down with a dark-skinned Toad making the final cut.