was watching the movies again today

A Little Too Drunk Starters:
  • “Oh, HELL no! Not in MY bed!”
  • "We watched some horror movie.. I think it’s called, ‘the Teletubbies..’?”
  • “Pants are just an illusion.”
  • “Shut the fuck up a pikachu onesie does so suit me.”
  • “Hey, man, I hate to tell you this, but I think your dog’s cheating on you..”
  • “Hey, the cat crashed your car.”
  • “I thought today was your birthday, so I rented a bouncy house, but then I remembered it isn’t, so now we have a bouncy house.”
  • “It’s not a mattress, it’s my kingdom and you are encroaching on it.”
  • “[NAME]’s a VIP at that one strip club….. What’s it called again… 'Golden Corral’?”
  • “I’m bleeding?!”
  • “I have to tell you a secret…”
  • “You think it’s important that I lost my shirt?! You think it’s important?! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S IMPORTANT!!! CALLIOU CAN’T FUCKIN’ TIE HIS SHOES!!!”
  • “I need at least seven sweet and sour sauces or I’m fucked.”
  • “I was pretending to be a ninja and the blade of the knife just flew right off and broke the window.”
  • “Look, man, I didn’t mean to pee on you.”
  • “Thanks for letting me room with you… By the way, vodka makes me gassy.”  
  • “You want to go to Taco Bell?”
  • “I lost [NAME]. Have you seen them?”
  • “Wow, you look so much better when I’m drunk. You should try it more often.”
  • “Hello, 911? Are you still awake?”
  • “Jesus told me to do it.”
  • “I’m really sorry I’m so creepy everybody…”
  • "This is awful. I am inventing electricity, and you look like an asshole.”
  • “How many nutrients do you think there are in dog biscuits? I already ate, like five.”
  • “Hamsters have feelings, too..”
  • “Who convinced me to come here?”
  • “The dog looked so lonely.. So I took it home.”
  • “Look at all this snow. Imagine if it was sand, but still cold. No wait, warm snow. Man, that’d be cool..”
  • “You’re not very hot, but maybe after another beer or two..”

Hyyh era is like that amazing movie you watched and you wish you could watch it again without knowing the plot. It’s like that song you used to listen a lot in the past and when you listen to it today it brings happy memories. It’s like that book you read in one night and you already miss the characters. It’s like that cool game you regretted beating seconds after it ended. Hyyh era is the ultimate definition of longing and sentiment

Good morning, fellow writers. I hope today you put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and maybe write a little something you’ve been afraid to write. I hope maybe some of you send something to a friend for the first time, or upload your first story to AO3. I hope today you take a little leap and write that silly, self-indulgent AU you’ve always wanted. I hope today you read something beautiful and it inspires you. I hope today you feel that little spur of creativity and follow it.

And if today is not that day, that’s alright. I hope you find something wonderful to read, or watch that movie again or reblog that art. I hope you have a beautiful, creative day, whether you write something or not. You are wonderful, and I appreciate, admire, and respect your talent and all you choose to do with it.

Meet Me Inside -  Part 1

Masterlist  I  Part 2 

Relationship: Bucky x Reader

Summary: You really wanted your last year to go without a hitch so you could finally get your Masters degree. But then Professor Barnes walks in to your lecture. And he makes it a whole lot harder to focus. 

A/N: I finally had some inspiration thanks to a request I’ve had sitting in my inbox for ages. And i’m so excited.

Warnings: None for this part. 

Words: 2134

Originally posted by veronikaphoenix

Rubbing the fatigue from your eyes, you groan as you roll over, picking up your phone and squinting as the screen shines far too brightly while you turn off your alarm and drop the phone back on to your bedside table.

“Last year” you mutter to yourself repeatedly as you roll out of bed and get ready.

Only one more year and you’d finally finish your Masters Degree. The thought, however, was always threatened to be dampened by the realisation that you’d need to make plans for what you would undertake after you graduate, but you pushed the thought aside whenever it threatened to linger.

Although you’d refused the offer to go out the night before, you had stayed awake for much longer than you should have and it showed. Your eyes were puffy and dry from lack of sleep.

“Last year” you mutter to yourself once more.

As was routine, you tie your hair back, dress in whatever is clean, grab your phone from the bedside and your bag from beside the door, locking your apartment as you leave.

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Seasonal Changes (Poly!Hamilsquad x Reader)

A/N: Hey again! I am back with another fanfiction! It’s my first Poly!Squad x Reader so I am very excited! I hope you all enjoy and, as always, requests are OPEN! Enjoy the story, loves!

Warning(s): Cursing (minor/brief); Sickness?; Polyamory 

Word Count: 1413

You woke up that morning with a horrible headache and a sore throat. Not to mention you were still very tired. These damn seasonal changes really messed you up. However, you shrugged it off and took some painkillers, hoping the sickness would go away during the day. After getting dressed for class, you trudge into the kitchen. Hercules is already there making himself some toast. Upon seeing you, he smiles brightly.

   “Hey, babe,” he says a bit too loud. You wince but smile weakly.

   “Hey, Herc. Where are the others,” You ask, noticing that your voice sounds a tad bit hoarse. Hercules must notice as well because he eyes you warily for a moment.

   “Alex had an early meeting this morning, Laf went to work and John is still knocked out,” he says, then he pauses. He eyes you up and down before speaking again. “Honey, are you alright?”

You try to smile convincingly as you answer. “Yep! I’m okay.”

He hesitates a moment before giving you an “alright” and finishing up his toast. You breathe a sigh of relief. If he or the other boys find out you’re sick, they won’t let you get anything done. And you know how nervous Alex gets when one of you are sick. You go over to the counter and have a seat at one of the barstools. Moments later, John walks into the room, his hair pulled back into a ponytail.

He presses a kiss to your temple and smacks Herc’s butt as he passes by.

“Hey,” Herc yelps. John smirks. You giggle, but it turns into a cough almost immediately. You freeze as both men look at you. Herc frowns and John furrows his brow.

“Are you alright, babygirl,” John asks. You nod, hoping down from the stool.

“I am,” You say moving to the door. “But I’ve got to go, class starts early today. Love you! Bye!”

You slip out of the door before either man can question you and your “mysterious cough”. Sighing, you throw yourself into your car and drive to the school campus. Once you get there, you walk to your creative writing class and flop into a seat at the back of the class. You glance at the clock.


You groan realizing that you are thirty minutes early. Your teacher walks in moments after you and gives you a strange look as she walks over to her desk. You sigh once more. This is going to be a long day.

The sound of the bell ringing awakens you from your sleep. You’re upset that you fell asleep in class, but even more upset that it did nothing to help with your headache and sore throat. Plus, you missed all the notes. You hope your next two classes are better.

But they aren’t.

In your next class, you break into a sneezing fit much to the annoyance of your professor as well as your peers and you nearly fall asleep…twice. The first time, your deskmate wakes you up, but the second time the professor slams a book on your desk. Then by the time your last class came, your head was pounding. Which is a shame because Mr. Lee, the Media Arts teacher, doesn’t believe in “inside voices”. It’s safe to say that by the time you returned home, which was around four, you felt like hell.

You just wanted a nap. But your datemates had other plans.

Upon entering the apartment that the five of you shared, you could tell that all of your boys were home. How? They were loudly discussing the outcome of Alexander’s meeting today. You stand in the kitchen doorway, observing the scene. They were all gathered around the island in the kitchen

   “Are you fucking kidding, me? Jefferson has absolutely no room to talk about being ‘fake royalty’,” John says. ‘Especially not with that shitty purple trenchcoat he’s always wearing.”

“I agree, mon amour. And from the sounds it seems he does not have an actual plan, he simply hates yours,” Laf’s accented voice chimes in.

“That’s what I said,” Alex shouts. You wince. Clearing your throat, you let your presence be known.

   “Hey guys,” you say. They all look to you, giant grins coming to their faces.

“(Y/N),” they cheer in unison. They run over to you and engulf you in a group hug, squeezing you tight. You love the sentiment, but at the moment you feel like barfing.

“Guys. Can’t breathe,” you mumble…even though it’s only half true. They immediately let go of you, but Alex pulls you over to the island and says:

“Babe, did you hear our discussion? Did you hear what Jefferson said about me,” He rants. You nod.

“He’s an ass,” you supply quietly. Your voice is still rather hoarse. “But we all knew that.”

“Yeah,” the others shout in agreement. God, why are they so loud today? Hercules wraps his arms around your waist and you close your eyes, leaning into his embrace. He rests his head on your shoulder.


“Yes, Herc?”

“The guys and I wanted to go out tonight, love. Would you like to come?”

You open your eyes and are met with the expectant stares of your lovers. You bite your lip. You really don’t feel good all you want to do is curl up and watch a movie. But you stayed home the last time they went out…you don’t want to disappoint them. So you nod hesitantly.

They all cheer again and Herc lifts up and spins you around before passing you to Laf who dances you around the kitchen. Seriously, why were they so rowdy today? Fighting nausea, you pull yourself from Laf’s embrace and force a smile.

   “Will I have time to take a nap beforehand? I’m kinda sleepy,” you say, your voice tight. You really wish Laf and Herc hadn’t moved you so swiftly like that. You feel worse. You don’t blame the for your sickness, though. No, you blame the shitty weather

   “Sure,” Alex says. “We aren’t planning to leave until around seven. You’ve got time.”

You open your mouth to respond, but your stomach lurches. You place a hand over your mouth and stomach before rushing to the bathroom. You lean over the toilet bowl and empty the contents of your stomach, which isn’t much. A second later, you feel someone’s hand on your back and two more hands holding your hair back. When you finish, you see Laf and Herc standing over you, with John and Alex standing in the doorway.

John steps forward and hands you a small cup full of mouthwash. You smile weakly and gargle it then you spit it into the sink. Alex hands you a towel to wipe your mouth with. Then, Laf picks you up and carries you into the living room and dispenses you on the couch. He disappears around the corner as John and Herc get blankets and Alex heads to the kitchen.

They all return at the same time. Laf has cough syrup, John and Hercules have their arms full with blankets and Alex has a big bowl of popcorn. You grimace when Laf holds the spoonful of medicine in front of you.

   “I know, Mon Ange, but you have to take it,” he says softly. “You’ll feel better.”

You scowl, taking the disgusting bubblegum flavored medicine. Laf smiles. Then all of the boys pile on the couch and share the blankets, with the exception of Alex who sets the popcorn aside to pick out movies. Somehow, you end up on John’s lap with your legs propped up on Herc’s lap.

   “So we’ve got ‘The Princess Bride’ and ‘The Terminator’,” he says. You all share a look.

   “The Princess Bride,” you all say simultaneously. Alex puts it in and then snuggles in between Laf and Herc. As the movie starts, John presses a kiss to your shoulder. You look at him.

   “Why didn’t you tell us you weren’t feeling well, baby?”

You shrug. “I didn’t want to worry you guys,” you whisper. He presses a quick kiss to your lips.

   “Tell us next time.”

You smile and nod, pressing another kiss to his lips.

   “John’s getting kisses,” you hear Alex whisper-shout. “We want to kisses too, (Y/N)!”


Lips part two? Continuation? Sandbox? Thing? Because someone said this scenario should continue… And I agreed cause it’s a weakness and I had a plan… or did I? I don’t know, it didn’t pan out…

I encourage you to read Lips before this one though.

It would be a lie for Harry to say that he didn’t stare at you a lot. Specially after the little incident a few weeks back. 

If he was to be honest with himself, the small interaction only made him more aware of his staring, and it only made him stare more. It wasn’t a lie that he looked at your lips, and now he wasn’t stopping. The few days after the fated incident consisted of him stumbling over his words cause he was so lost in every conversation. It was a horrible cycle. He stared at you which made him lose his train of thought and not be able to speak properly, which in turn made you stare at him messing up his sentences and laugh or just stare in wonder, which would make him focus back on you and start it all over again. 

Somehow, he understood you. He didn’t know why he did it, he just knew he did, and something about knowing you’re doing the same to him just turned on some natural response that was out of his control. He had to look at yours too. And maybe you didn’t know why you looked at him, you just did, which was what he was going through now more than ever… He was okay with that. He wanted more, sure, but he didn’t know how to make it more, so he stuck with looking and pining and pinching at his own mouth whenever you licked yours; something he now knew you did very often and was driving him insane little by little.

Staring is what got you into the mess you and Harry seemed to be in right now. No words had been spoken about that day after you had bolted away from each other at the sound of your best friend coming in the kitchen; and there hadn’t been another chance for Harry to inch close to you and finish what he thought had started that night. Staring is what made him so itchy and needy. 

Staring is what got him where he is right now, and he’s glad. 

For some reason the pile of loud people you called your friends seemed to always end up close to your place, even if it was for a nice afternoon outside, which was the case today. You avoided Harry’s stare, having become more careful with your looks since that other night, but he was fixed on you more than he liked to admit. The lads were being lads, tossing a ball around and having a laugh, again poking fun at Harry for calling soccer ‘footie’ and for his not so amazing coordination while playing the game. 

It would be like watching a movie from a different perspective. As you spoke to one of your friends Harry would just trace your mouth with his sight and analyse how it moved. Your small Oh’s and very big Ah’s. Your throaty laugh and shiny lips. And then he was in pain. Staring at you is what got him a ball to the face as he stood in the middle of the impromptu soccer game which he had forgotten about for a second too long.

The metallic taste of blood was eminent as he spit some out, and you rushed to him, immediately asking him to follow you inside. It was your house after all, so you were in charge of getting the med-kit and treating his bloody wound. 

A busted lip. Your favourite thing of his to look at was now busted open and bleeding and your palms were sweaty at the thought of touching it just to make sure the wound cured properly.

He sat on your bathroom counter, legs open as you stood between them soaking whatever pad with whatever liquid and warning him it would sting.
“Stay quiet, please” you mumbled dabbing at the open skin. His eyes focused on your busy mouth. Whenever you were focused on something you tended to bite your lip or leave your mouth open in a twisted ‘O’ that he adored. Your tongue would pop out every now and then and he found himself wanting to bite at it.
“Will I be okay, doctor?” with his accent and the position he was in it sounded more like ‘Doh-tah’ and you had to keep yourself from giggling. Sure you were trying to stare less but that didn’t mean you didn’t still find his mouth and accent fascinating. 
“Perfectly fine. Just have to put sugar on it” His brow arched in confusion. 
“Sugah?” What for? You had brought the sugar from the kitchen with you. Brown sugar to be precise, and it made no sense to him whatsoever. Turns out brown sugar helps cuts in the mouth area to heal quick, it sort of urges the skin to reconstruct faster and it helps stop the bleeding. You told him this, to which he payed no attention to anything other than the way you formed your B sounds and your lips parted, as you gathered some grains in your hand.
“Look up” you instructed and let the sugar fall and stick to his open gash. It was a strange feeling and he pouted trying to keep his bottom lip from touching his upper one and taking off the sugar. “Now, don’t lick it off”

You were very close, patting the sugar down with your index finger carefully, making sure the whole cut was covered and Harry couldn’t help but smirk as the rest of your fingers reached out to touch his chin and cupid’s bow. You couldn’t help it. You didn’t know why his mouth was so hypnotising to you but the trance was on once again and at this point it was almost as if you couldn’t even hold it back.

You were staring, and so was he. He didn’t know if you wanted to kiss him as much as he wanted to kiss you. Ever since that day he has wondered what it would be like but never actually reached for it in fear it wasn’t what you were after. But right now it felt like you were both on the same page. Like you were having a silent agreement that a kiss would be nice right about now. His eyes just stared at your face, running over it, paying attention to your eyes – that were downcast to his lips – and then your nose – it was pointy but round and he liked it. Wanted to bump his against it – and then his latest fascination; your mouth. He loved the arch, the natural pout, the rosy colour. It was like looking at it through a magnifying glass and he could see all the little marks and lines. And he wanted to taste them. In his mind it was impossible that this wasn’t some sign that something had in fact started that night.

His hand reached around your body, grabbing at the belt-loops in your jeans and tugging you closer to the counter, closer to him.
“Harry…” you whimpered. Your mouth felt dry from the tension, but you knew that if you were to lick your lips you would end up touching your tongue to his and the thought of it made you shiver as his fingers pulled you closer.
“Won’t lick it off…” he started as you regained your breath from the close proximity of your faces. His nose bumped with yours ever so slightly, making chills run down your spine and goosebumps raise on the back of his neck as he finished with a whisper “if yeh promise not to lick it off me, either…”

I still don’t know what this is but I might know where it’s going? Not completely sure. It’s another piece like Lips and kind of like a second part but then again… Lips wasn’t even supposed to exist in the first place. So I’m not sure giving it a part 2 was the best idea. Giving it a part 3 might be an even worse idea but whoops. Feedback?

kay, bye.
Iv. xo.

anonymous asked:

Kara and Alex go to the aquarium. There's this part of the building where one can walk under where they keep some of the more brightly colored fish or maybe fluorescent jellyfish and it's just a little awe-inspiring. Kara loves it. They have a special membership bc they're donators and they like going on quiet days where there aren't any crowds and they can just relax and quietly look at the fish. When they get tired of walking they sit in the auditorium and share popcorn while watching the film

i’m a sucker for a good danvers sisters prompt. take a k and a half of mild angst, with a heavy side of comfort. enjoy! 

it starts with kara missing out on brunch. a last minute text sent so strategically that it’s only received after alex and maggie are sitting with  james and winn, browsing the menu. and the text is casual, it’s worded so as to not alarm anyone. but this is kara, and this is brunch and if there’s one thing kara loves, it’s food. especially brunch food.

so alex shows the text to maggie and maggie squeezes alex’s thigh and kisses her cheek and says “go, danvers.”

and alex’s heart soars because how did she find someone so perfect? not to mention how lucky she is for having friends that welcomed maggie practically at once into their superfamily. it makes the walk over to kara’s apartment light and with the freedom from worrying about her girlfriend with their friends, alex can focus on kara.

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Sudden visit >> Yongguk, You (Drabble)

This was requested by anon; Sleeping over. 

Rain heavily poured outside the apartment and news said it was going to continue until the next day. 

The sound of the rain muffled as Yongguk closed the door behind you, after leading you inside of his apartment. You were soaked from the rain. Water dripped down from your clothes, wetting his apartment floor.

You felt sorry for messing up his apartment, for suddenly showing up in front of his apartment and for shocking him with your sudden visit.

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charmergirl2468  asked:

Since you love drawing Angelo and Amun, can we see them snuggling up under a blanket watching crappy mummy movies and Amun's like "This is not what Cleo told me about Mummy culture"

i missed a bunch of these asks way back in my inbox, oops! i actually saw The Mummy today and it got me really pumped up about ancient egyptian stuff again, so of course i’m thinking about these two 

amun is sweeter than that, but if angelo is going to make offhand comments about reanimated mummies he can do with getting a little spooked by the one currently pilfering his body heat

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Kiss Me (3)

[A/N: Last chapter for today! If you go to my page you’ll see that I’ve left a little question asking what you’d like to see in the following chapters! (I don’t want to spoil anything but the chapter after this one will have kind of Jughead POV scene or scenes)

I’m really enjoying writing this one but obviously I want you guys to enjoy it too and I want to write the kind of stuff that you want to see! I hope you enjoy this one guys! Also I love it when you guys leave comments, it really makes my day (read that as: I need constant validation to ensure that I am happy). 

Also see if you can find the Fall Out Boy lyrics in this chapter! (Hint: It’s not very subtle)]

Word Count: 1870

[Part 1]

[Part 2]

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Birthday Girl

Dan x reader

Request- Anon:  Can you write a smut were dan gets the reader something special for their birth day, like a sex toy or something kinky idk, and they play around with it please and thank you

Warnings- smut, swearing

sorry that i took forever to write this, dear anon. Sorry it’s bad lol

request more things guysss



You open your eyes and you’re greeted with (your boyfriend) Dan’s peaceful face. You yawn and adjust your position slightly, the movement causing Dan’s sleepy eyes to flutter open.

“Happy birthday, y/n.” Dan mumbles whilst pulling you into his chest.

It’s nice to know his first thoughts of the day were about you.

You move closer to him and tuck your head into the crook of his neck. A comfortable silence settles over the room once again before three knocks erupt from the door.

“Yep.” You yell, moving to sit up, Dan coming up with you.

“Happy Birthday, y/n!” Phil tells you enthusiastically, a smile covering his face and a tray of breakfast in his hands.

“Thanks Phil!” You reply, smiling as well.

He sets the tray on your lap and steps towards the door.

“Got any plans today?” He asks.

“Well, my mum wants to see me, but that’s it.” You tell him. He nods and points a thumb behind him to the lounge.

“So do you both want to watch a movie later?“

Both you and Dan nod, Phil smiles and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him. You look down at your food and start to eat. Dan attempts to take sneaky bites of your pancakes, but fails. It just results to you feeding him and spilling syrup down his chin which you both laughed at.

“So, I have a few presents for you.” Dan starts, a cheeky smirk painting itself onto his face. “You get two now, and the others tonight.” You nod and set the empty tray on the bedside table.

“Also I’m taking you to dinner.” He says as he gets out of bed and makes his way to his wardrobe.

“Dan this is very unnecessary.” You tell him. You loved when Dan was cheeses, but dinner with him usually ended up with him teasing you.

“I know, but the second present you are getting is for me as well.” He admits, “And dinner goes with it.”

You sigh and shake your head, causing him to laugh as he returns to you with a small black paper bag. He pulls out a small wrapped box and hands it to you. You tear the paper back and open the box.

“Oh my God, Dan.” You gasp, taking the bracelet from the box and attaching it around your wrist. It was black material braided in a pretty way that attached with a silver clasp that had rainbow edges. “Thank you so much it’s amazing.”

Dan knew you don’t like fancy jewelry as the just make you anxious and afraid you would break them. So this was a perfect middle.

“No problem, princess.” He replies, kissing your temple. “Now for your second present, I need you to lay down and close your eyes.”

You do as he says and feel him take the duvet off of your legs and hear him take something from the black paper bag. You feel him hovering over you and move your shorts and panties down your legs. He spreads your legs and runs a finger over folds before pushing into you, causing you to moan. He covers your lips with his and kisses you roughly, making your more and more aroused as he adds another finger, then another. He thrusted his fingers at a quick pace, bringing you to the edge before removing his fingers from you. You whine into the kiss and open your eyes.

“Eyes closed, love.” Dan tells you and you sigh, closing your eyes. You feel something cold press against you, an odd contrast to your burning core. Dan pushes the vibrator into you and pulls your panties and shorts back up your legs.

“Alright y/n, time to get ready.” Dan says, ignoring that he just put a vibrator inside you.

“Dan the fuck is this?” You ask, moving your hips into the bed and moaning as the device moves inside you.

“Don’t wear anything to fancy, the restaurant we are eating at later isn’t bad. I know you don’t like extravagant places.” He says, turning to you. “But, you have to wear a skirt or shorts and no panties.” He tells you.

“Why should I listen to-” You moan loudly as the device inside you starts vibrating at an high rate, stopping after a few seconds.

“That’s why. Do as I say and you won’t be teased as much today. But if you disobey me… He moves closer to you, pulling you off of the bed and close to his tall frame. “You won’t like the consequences, princess.” He moves away from you and starts to his wardrobe, pulling on some skinny jeans and a black t-shirt. You groan and move to get dressed. As Dan moves to the door, he turns the vibrator back on at the lowest setting, causing you to stop in your tracks and bite your lip to hold in a quiet moan. You turn to look at Dan, expecting him to turn it off again, but you are met with a smirk.

“And remember my rules. You don’t get to cum unless I say so.” He smiles at you and leaves the room. The hum of the vibrator sending small waves of pleasure through you as you feel it start to go faster.

You finish getting ready and head to the lounge where you are met with Dan and Phil on the couch with your favourite movie waiting to be played. You sit down next to Dan, but as you sit the toy was pushed in further a bit, causing a quiet moan to escape your mouth that Phil thankfully didn’t hear. Dan, however, did. He looks over at you, pulls you into his side with an arm around your shoulders, and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a small remote and turns of the toy, pushing the remote back into his pocket.

The movie was, to your enjoyment, completely voided of teasing from Dan. You managed to stay in the same position, not moving much at all as to minimize the chance of the device moving inside you.

After the movie, You and Dan leave to your mum’s to visit her, making it there with little teasing. Dan knows from experience not to try anything around your family, so nothing happened. It was a good day so far, but once 5 p.m.

Dinner was filled with Dan turning the vibrator all the up and making you order food for yourself. It was Dan moving his hand up your thigh and pushing the vibrator into you until finally in the cab he turned it off.

You both enter your room when Dan tells you to sit on the bed before pulling out that black paper bag. He takes out a set of ropes, a gag, and a blindfold before pushing out back on the bed.

“Time the best present, birthday girl.”

today i was reflecting in the shower.. where i normally do all of my deeper thinking.. and i couldn’t stop thinking about 2016. i know.. we’re in a new year.. time to let it go.. but i don’t think i properly cleansed myself or made peace with how my year went. and because a lot of what happened to me throughout the year continuously comes to mind.. i knew it was time to sit down and write out my feelings. what has made me the writer or “poet” that i am today.. is i’ve spilled my heart out on paper, time and time again, but lately i’ve been extremely distant. i’m not sure whether it’s because i feel a burden to always be positive and uplifting or because i find myself more afraid than ever. last year i cried. and cried. and cried. more than i’ve ever cried in my 22 years of life. i even made a habit out of watching really sad and emotional movies just so i could find an excuse to. also.. i’ve smoked more than ever before. longing to both - feel.. and be numb. i’d smoke before writing so i could pull certain stories out of me. then i’d smoke after, to forget them. often times.. i just got high enough to make myself fall asleep so i wouldn’t have to deal with anything. in the midst of one of my episodes.. i realized i suffer, and have always suffered, from feeling like nobody really understands me. i’ve always felt like i was someone who was constantly mistaken for an entirely different person. i always feel like i don’t “fit”. i don’t fit around friends.. i don’t fit around family.. i don’t make sense at social gatherings.. i don’t feel at home in my own home. i think a lot of these feelings have come up, from time to time, because i’ve never really known my true identity. all i’ve ever known myself to be is someone that everyone clings to. and not in a “she’s the life of the party” kind of way, but more so, “she’s the person to get advice from” way. and although.. this may sound selfish, sometimes i wish i had someone like me. i wish i had someone who was willing to help solve my problems before solving their own. as i’m typing, i’m starting to cry again. and i’m crying because i don’t know when exactly this will end. or if this discomfort is how i’m meant to live life. maybe this is just the life of an empathic. maybe when i started asking god to “use” me, i signed up for this. the truth is, 2016 should have been the best year of my life. i released a book that hit the best sellers list, i bought my dog that brings an unlimited source of awe to my life, i signed a major publishing deal, i moved out of my parents house and into a new home, i lost friends that never clapped for me, and gained friends who’ve been there for me in every way since, i built this whole “brand” into something much bigger than i ever expected myself to, i found out i was cancer free, i promise the list could continue on. but depression got in the way. of everything. i never once celebrated myself. i never once intervened, and took control. i never even thought to. i felt like whatever i was going through.. i was supposed to. and still.. i’m not sure the reasoning.. i just kept living with a kind of sadness i have yet to find a name for. instead of focusing on all of the goodness that god was placing in my life, i had tunnel vision on everything that i felt was going wrong. i couldn’t see life in a positive light no matter how good things may have got. my parents split up. i was forced to move out. i lost my home base. i went, and still go, months without speaking to either one. my boyfriend was dealing with an ex who continuously threatened to take her life at the account of us being together. all i wanted to do was help her. but couldn’t. i had a new life to take care of, when i could barely take care of my own self. i lost all my friends. literally, every single one. i never ever could leave the house because of how bad my social anxiety was getting. i found out i had a fractured jaw because of the size of a tumor that was holding it in place. i found out i had a fucking tumor that could have been cancerous. i had reconstructive jaw surgery that ruined the nerve and feeling in my mouth. i could not eat or sleep or talk straight for months. i’m still dealing with the pain. i was consistently working and doing interviews right after my surgery. i was and am still extremely exhausted from this. i never properly allowed myself to rest or heal. i started working with a team that could not fully ever understand me which only added to my frustration, loneliness, and sadness. and again, THIS LIST could go on. but more than anything. i was bullied. as my brand kept getting bigger, i was bullied more. and more. and i couldn’t understand how my work, trying to help and heal people, could bring in such negative responses. i couldn’t understand why there were people who were so eager to tear me apart, they would start to attack my image. everyday people attack the way i look and sound. and this kind of bullying brought back a lot of old feelings that i never dealt with as a kid. growing up i was constantly brought down and picked on because of the way i look. i was never skinny enough. or pretty enough. or i was too hairy. or my teeth were too crooked. or my hair was too nappy. or i was too dark. or i was too “black”. or i wasn’t “black enough”. now, i’m receiving - i’m too stupid or i’m too fake. my writing isn’t good enough. my writing is cliche. i look like a monkey. and so on. and so forth. and as i’m typing these things.. i find myself giggling a bit, wondering why i even allow these things to bother me. but truthfully, all negativity from outside sources bothers me. no matter what form it comes in. i always question, “what have i done to deserve this?” and although i often ignore these nasty comments, i’ve realized i harbor the feelings i receive when i see these comments. embarrassment. frustration. confusion. hurt. disappointment. betrayal. i let these statements affect me to the point where i’m starting to silence my voice. i’m starting to be more afraid to speak up for myself. the thought of confrontation makes me nervous. the thought of even receiving any awful comments makes my stomach flip. so i won’t say anything at all. i’ll keep everything to myself if it’ll keep the mean people and their nasty opinions away. but i’m trying to break out of this. i really am. i’m trying to be more understanding of the way people work. i know.. that the way we treat people is a reflection of the way we treat or view ourselves. meaning.. those who are willing to go out of their way to attack a person for absolutely no reason, ultimately feel that they need to. either because, they don’t have enough love for themselves, to be consumed within themselves and their own positivity, or, simply, they hate themselves just as much as they hate me. and not personally, but mainly, their views of life are formed in a negative and hateful way.. more often than not. idk.. maybe i’m getting too ahead of myself. or maybe i make sense and i’m afraid no one will understand it. lol. but anyway. idk. i’m just glad i got to get these things off my chest because i feel like my readers.. and supporters.. or those who just fuck with me, for whichever reason.. are always looking forward to hearing from me. and i’m trying to, again, be more accepting of the fact that not everyone is going to always like my shit. my writing. my poetry. my points of view. my ideas. and that’s okay. that doesn’t make me any less of an artist or woman or idealist.. and that doesn’t make whomever else any less than either. i’m thankful. for these moments of clarity because they really ground me and put me back in my place. i get to reflect on how i’ve sabotaged my own life.. and i pray that god help me heal from it. the reality of this all is.. i’m my own worse enemy. and i have been.. for most of my life. and i know this because i would have never ever allowed myself to go through all the hardships that i did. i would have never allowed myself to not only deal with half the people i’ve dealt with - but also.. i wouldn’t have allowed myself to be as affected by negativity as i was. all i was doing, and all i’ve been doing, is place energy in places and spaces that my energy was never meant to be. 2016 was the ending. i firmly believe this because there is always a storm before a sunny day. there were times last year when i thought i was out of touch with myself and i couldn’t hear god as clearly as i’m used to.. but really.. s/he was with me all along. guiding me to this place i’m in now. this place of - understanding, acceptance, and gratitude. i’m finally understanding that sometimes we go through shit. sometimes a lot of shit. but what we go through doesn’t define us. it shapes us into the people that we’re ultimately meant to be. stronger. wiser. and happier.. if anything. i’m finally accepting that some things, many things, are out of our control. but we have much more control than we think. the way we react to life will result in our karma. we can choose how to react and ultimately this will help affect all of our situations moving forward. i’m also learning to accept people as they are. everyone will do as they please. and not everyone will be considerate of mine, or anyone else’s, feelings. in knowing this, i have to constantly remind myself to not take anything personal. the longer i feed into other peoples negativity, the longer i’ll be miserable. misery is the result of not fully understanding or not fully having control over certain situations. but the more intuitive we are.. the easier it will be to keep away from misery. and finally.. i’m grateful for the one friend i had all along.. whom i never give enough credit to. my best friend and boyfriend. every single tear that came strolling down my cheek.. he was always here to help wipe and then uplift me. the more silence i become the more he encourages me to speak. even if he, himself, doesn’t fully understand. i’m grateful to god for showing up in all forms. people. places. numbers. symbols. etc. i cannot be anymore thankful for my relationship with god. for not only helping me get through one of the best/worst years of my life.. but also.. for giving me the strength to open up about it. knowing.. that everyone’s perception of me is that i’ve “got it all together.”
—  Reyna Biddy