was there ever really any choice

hey

i’ve had a couple screwdrivers and i want to talk about colors for a sec.
so, a tip from your mom.

the tip: don’t use black and white for your shading and highlighting.

(pls forgive the quick doodle for the purpose of an example)
one of these is clearly softer and more vibrant. it can play up your palette choices, even if they’re not that exciting by themselves- but pink or brown shading makes everything look really nice.

how bout this one?

black and white values for your art won’t completely ruin it. but there’s way more you can be doing with it. low opacity black to shade an art piece is a lil bit boring. it doesn’t make any of your colors stand out, it doesn’t take much creativity on your part. won’t stretch the muscles.

HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever use black as shading. but to work it at its best, you have to actually use black. the purpose?

contrast! it’s great for drama. black shading is used for sharp graphic styles- you’ve seen it in a lot of comics before. it commands attention for a serious situation.
imo, black should be used as its full self, or not at all. low opacity black just looks gross and boring. it’s way more fun to use other colors, i promise!

this has been a chat about shading with ur mom.

“has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?” is the most brilliant nonsense sentence ever typed because it genuinenely looks like a structured sentence and every time i read it my brain desperately tries to parse it because something about the word choice just echoes actual coherent sentences but omits any actual subject matter

It hasn’t been easy. I had to learn how to love myself, how to love my messy hair and tired eyes. I had to do everything on my own, not that I had any choice in the matter. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but my god was it worth it because in the end the only person you really have is yourself and if you don’t love you, who will?
—  4am

Another sketcheroo of the Infected!AU I did yesterday. This one is of Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash. :3 I’ve always loved RD with short hair but this is by far the shortest I’ve drawn it. I just… I really like short hair styles. ;_; As for why she keeps it like this, its for practical reasons.

In this AU Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo travel together as scavengers, or those who don’t run with any group or affiliation and has made the decision to live out in the post-outbreak Equestria outside a settlement. Scavengers only ever go into settlements to sell and trade items they find, but other than that it they remain on their own by choice. Rainbow stays away from settlements because she simply doesn’t trust them, especially “big named” ones, or the ones that have the most rumors floating around them about being a “save haven” for weary travelers. She’s generally distrusting of anyone that isn’t Scootaloo, to be honest, but eventually she’ll learn to trust the Mane 6 when she comes across them.

As for how she came to be Scootaloo’s guardian: during the first few years of post-outbreak, Rainbow Dash was a part of a Bandit group: bandits are soldiers of the Equestrian military that joined civilian rebel groups that tried to overthrow a military-ran settlement, and succeeded in taking the territory over, but were eventually took to preying on other survivors once their own resources were depleted. Anyway, Rainbow; she was a part of a Bandit group and at some point she and a scouting party came across a mare in their territory. She was holding something in her arms and the group assumed it was something of use. While Rainbow herself didn’t pull the trigger, she watched as someone else in her group gunned the fleeing mare down, and she was the one to first approach the body.

Turning the corpse over revealed a young Scootaloo to be what she was carrying. Some of the group were clearly uneasy about just killing someone with a child while the rest were indifferent and debated on what to do with Scoots (some very disturbing suggestions popped up). The ultimate decision was to just kill the kid, but Rainbow spoke up and claimed Scoots before anything could be done to harm her. Rainbow had stuck with the bandits out of thinking it was necessary in order to survive, she had been having doubts and growing more uneasy the longer she stayed. It was Scootaloo that was the tipping point for her and some of the other bandits, and she eventually escaped with Scoots in tow. Originally, it was more out of guilt than anything that made her keep Scootaloo with her, but she eventually grows to love the kid as if she were a little sister. Scootaloo was a little too young to actively remember what happened, but she knows, and sometimes she gets snippets of the memory in the form of a nightmare.

I’ll write more for this one too, but I have class to get to so this will do for now. Feel free to ask questions in the meantime, and I hope you guys like! :3

Damian: *sees his dad in the Batsuit for the first time ever*

Bruce: *is trying really hard to look Intimidating*

Damian:

Bruce:

Damian:

Bruce: “kid….aren’t you like scared of the sight of me or something?”

Damian: “Nuh, due to my upbringing I’m used to the sight of Abaya-wearing women father”

Johnlock not confirmed?? Wrong!

Can we talk about the scene where Sherlock is given the choice to shoot either Mycroft or John?

Because Sherlock doesn’t even HESITATE. He doesn’t ever even point the gun in John’s direction.

NOT ONCE.

Instead, he goes straight for Mycroft. And what’s more is that Mycroft knows that Sherlock would NEVER, under any circumstance, harm John Watson. So Mycroft, in an unusually human and selfless act, tries to make it easier for his brother to shoot him instead.

Mycroft knows that Sherlock needs John far more than Sherlock needs him. And going by Sherlock’s reaction, the detective knows this too. And so does Eurus. And, of course, so does the audience.

Sherlock and John in this episode are shown to have now surpassed friendship - by their own admission and subsequently proven in this scene they are now are FAMILY.

No, we didn’t get a kiss. But look at them at the very end. They’re living together, looking after a baby, and HAPPY. They’re SO happy and content together.

The physical side isn’t shown, but we got much more in terms of their actual emotional relationship and how far it’s developed since series one. They’ve opened up to one another completely. Sherlock is not someone who craves a physical relationship, but rather an emotional one. What he and John have is SPECIAL - more special than having the writers simply (and lazily) throw in ‘sex’ to satisfy standard expectations.

If Sherlock had ordinary sexual cravings, I would be extremely annoyed that they don’t kiss. But what Sherlock and John actually have, I believe, transcends ‘normal’ convention. They are simply together and IT WORKS. Everyone is entitled to their own interpretation, but this, for me, is what Johnlock is all about.

The final deduction is therefore easy to make. This scene, and every other scene in the show points to one inevitable conclusion, that stares us right in the face:

Johnlock exists.

You don’t need a kiss or sex scene to prove it, because that’s not the ultimate conclusion needed to establish their relationship. It never has been. The entire show has been an incredibly intimate adventure of Sherlock and John as their love emotionally matures and this finale really does convey that they have both found within each other a soul mate, someone to settle down with, someone with whom they can be truly happy.

It’s far more than just a platonic friendship - this particular scene proves this beyond a doubt as Sherlock doesn’t even CONSIDER shooting John over his own brother.

If that’s not real love, I honestly don’t know what is.

The Decision (Dean x Reader) (6x21)

A/N: Funn Fact: I didn’t actually plan on writing a part 2 to this. However with some of the amazing feed back I’ve received, I give you part two to the choice! Will there be a third part, I don’t know :)  As always feedback is appreciated! Enjoy!


Catch up here!

The Choice (Pt 1.)

Read others Imagines here!

Masterlist

Imagine you dating Dean when Crowley kidnaps Lisa and Ben. However, the whole thing makes you question your relationship. It also makes you wonder if Dean ever really stopped caring for them.

Originally posted by deangifsdaily

“Are you sure about this?” Your uncle asked, as you packed your stuff. 

“I’m sure.” You zipped up your bag.

“Any other time I would be glad you left the guy, but at least talk to Dean before you leave.” He begged.

“No Bobby, I can’t.He’s already made his decision and I want to keep some of my pride.” You smile softly.

“Well, I can’t make you stay, but you need me you call me. He’s an idjit.” He grunts in annoyance. “Come here, squirt.” He pulls you in for another hug, you gratefully accepted. After a little, you reluctantly pulled away, and headed toward the door.

Keep reading

Some thoughts on bi Simon Snow

I’m am all for bisexual and pansexual representation and I really think it’s something that needs to be happening more. However I really like Simon never identifying his sexuality in Carry On. I personally relate to Simon a lot and I really have no clue what my sexual orientation is. I pretty bad for a while because I wanted to have that label to identify with but I couldn’t find one that ever felt right. Simon not identifying with any sexual orientation made me feel a lot better because it made me really see that it’s okay to not identify with anything. You can just be attracted to anyone you happen to be attracted to. So it makes me a little upset when I see people calling Simon bisexual or anything else because he canonically doesn’t identify as anything. However, those are just my opinions and thoughts and personally I really like Rainbow’s choice to not have Simon identify as anything.

anonymous asked:

I have a friend who's trying to decide between surgery and family medicine. Surgery has always been her dream, but she discovered that she also really likes family medicine and that it would better suit the lifestyle she wants. Would you have any words of wisdom for her?

Most doctors will tell you that if ever there was an opposite of Family Medicine, it would be surgery. Surgery is often about fixing problems manually, working nonstop, being tough, and not dealing with the fluffier sides of medicine.

 Family medicine likes the fluff. We like chronic illness management and continuity of care and touchy feely stuff and, like, leaving work at 5:00. There are folks who have liked both though (I believe @ladykaymd was one of them!). I actually went to residency with a doc who had switched to family med from surgery.

I think the best thing for your friend to think about is whether she can be happy in a career that doesn’t involve any surgery. If the answer is no and she can’t imagine a life without surgery, then she should do surgery. She could still look into some surgical subspecialties that provide better hours and lifestyle than general surgery, like urology or ENT or plastics. The subspecialties also may include more clinic time and continuity of care, which is what those of us who love family medicine typically enjoy, so you could get the best of both worlds.

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But if she finds that she likes everything and can get her surgery fix doing minor procedures (or even colonoscopies or c-sections if she trains in a procedure-heavy family med program), then family medicine is still on the table. She should consider doing sub-internships in both specialties to get a better grasp on each so she can make her decision.

Who wants a really super long annoying post as to why Percy is in Slytherin and doesn’t belong in any of the other houses? That’s right you don’t, but I’m going to give it to you anyway.

Okay, let’s start with slashing off everyone’s immediate choice - Hufflepuff.

You might belong in Hufflepuff, where they are just and loyal.

  • Just - based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair. Synonyms include fair, equitable, impartial, unbiased, objective, neutral. Yeah…. I don’t really think so. I can think of only a few occasions where Percy has exhibited any of those ‘just’ traits. Using officialclarkkent’s example, you can reference any situation where Percy was not suppose to go on a quest and then went anyway. A shining moment is in TC, where he knew for a fact that the people going on the quest for Artemis were perfectly capable then went anyway because of his personal feelings for Annabeth.
  • The next tidbit is loyalty, which I am willing to give you. But one little detail is that Percy’s fatal flaw is personal loyalty. Meaning that Percy would ‘sacrifice the world to save a friend.’ And you know what other house is all about personal loyalty?? Basically Slytherin is about selective loyalty and once you betray that, it’s pretty much gone forever. I.E. Nico, who despite apologizing for nearly an entire book for betraying Percy, Percy still was distrustful of him all throughout the second series.

Those patient Hufflepuffs are true, and unafraid of toil.

  • We’ve pretty much covered true but unafraid of toil? He’s brave, but unafraid toil? No. Percy will fight and put up a strong front but you can bet that there’s an 80% chance he’s afraid. Like there are many examples but to name a few: The Fury, Medusa, the Gods, the war, the prophecy, dropping his sword in front of Tartarus… literally anything. 

 Valuing hard work, patience, and fair play. Hufflepuffs are not as competitive as the other houses.

  • Hardwork is a give or take. Percy will only put his all into something if he wants to. If not, it probably won’t get done. 
  • Patience. Do I even have to explain how impatient this boy is?
  • Fair Play. Like that time when he used the knowledge that Gaea wanted him for a sacrifice, so he then manipulated her into giving him the correct vial of gorgon’s blood in what was supposedly a fair chance game? Yeah, fair play is not really Percy’s forte.
  • Not Competitive. Remember how Percy and Jason fought over who could kill the other? Or how competitive he is with Annabeth in literally everything? He’s competitive, no doubt about it.
  • Now one of the biggest arguments I hear is that Percy is so kind and friendly, he has to be Hufflepuff. But friendliness and kindliness are not exclusive house traits. You can be extremely evil in Hufflepuff just as you can be extremely friendly in Slytherin.
  • So to conclude, I can see loyalty making him Hufflepuff, but other than that? Nothing? Is loyalty all we are really going amount his sorting to? When he’s such a complex character, I find it hard using only his fatal flaw to sort him, especially since loyalty is a Slytherin trait as well.

Okay next house - Gryffindor. We’re skipping Ravenclaw because that seems to be the only thing we all agree he can’t be.

You might belong in Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart. Their daring, nerve, and chivalry set Gryffindors apart.

  • Despite being afraid, he has the brave, daring, and nerve down. Chivalrous? Not really. Towards Annabeth of course, but everyone else? Naw. This kid pretty much cheats his way out of everything if given the chance.
  • Gryffindor seems a better fit than Hufflepuff, but I do agree with the fact that his loyalty plays a big part in his personality. But to clarify - his loyalty should not be the only deciding factor when he is sorted.

Now, let’s hear what Slytherin is all about.

Or perhaps in Slytherin, you’ll make your real friends.

  • ‘Real friends.’ That sounds interesting. Kinda funny how Percy is all about personal loyalty and would sacrifice the world to save a friend

Those cunning folk use any means, to achieve their ends.

  • Cunning - having or showing skill in achieving one’s ends by deceit or evasion. Once again, like how Percy used the knowledge that Gaea wanted him for a sacrifice, so he then manipulated her into giving him the correct vial of gorgon’s blood? Or how at twelve years old, he killed Crusty by manipulating the guy to lay down on one of his own beds and decapitating him? Or how he manipulated Bob to kill his own brother by ensuring that they were friends?
  • ‘Any means to achieve their ends.’ Like keeping the grey sisters’ eye until they gave him the information he needed in sos? Or torturing the Goddess of Misery for revenge?

Slytherin valued qualities are cleverness, resourcefulness, determination, leadership, and “a certain disregard for the rules.”

  • Cleverness. Like the time percy cheated in rock, paper, scissors to insure that Briares would come with them in tbl? Or in sos when he was battling Luke on the cruise ship, opened up an Iris Message, and then manipulated Luke into confessing he poisoned Thalia’s tree to the entire camp? 
  • Resourcefulness. Like when being attacked by the Minotaur at age twelve with no training and ripping off one of its horns to use as a weapon? Or when fighting Ares, he maneuvered himself so he was in the ocean and got the upper hand? Or when they were trying to navigate the Labyrinth and got Rachel Dare to help them?
  • Percy is so clever and resourceful you don’t even know.
  • Determination. Do you even need examples for this one?
  • Leadership. Huh. Sorta like the time he lead Camp Half-Blood in a war and strategically (and affectively) placed the campers around New York to protect the city? And how pretty much everyone listened to him without a second thought because he obviously knew what he was doing? And how he is a co-leader at camp? And in the few days he was at Camp Jupiter he was offered praetorship?
  • “A certain disregard for rules.” The first book literally opened with him worrying that his school would find out he copied his essay off line or figured out about the illegal stash of candy he was selling. Then there’s the fact he blatantly disregards the rules at Camp Half-Blood and just went off on quests he wasn’t suppose to be on. Or how he’s impertinent to the gods which is a huge no-no?
  • Like wow Percy pretty much exemplifies nearly all the Slytherin traits. 

Sorting can be extremely difficult and no one’s a perfect fit but seriously, if we sort unbiasedly, basing it off of Percy’s many many personality traits and not solely on the fact his fatal flaw loyalty, there is no doubt that Percy is Slytherin.

I saw this really awesome pic recently and then my unholy flatmate of evil @vivicogitator wrote down small post about our own Ignis/Nyx 150k abomination, which we will never write anyway, so here you go - small pic about reeeaaally awkward next_day_after_their_first_kiss ride.

Ignis - regrets his life choices, feels like the worst kind of shit, thinking that he used Nyx’s compromised emotional state and forced himself on him. 
Nyx - regrets each and every choice that he has ever made, which led him to this moment. Desperatly tries to destroy any hope he might have, cause thinks that Ignis did what he did out of pity, just to comfort him. 
Gladio and Prompto - *in burning hell of rare pair ship* rooting real hard for this two dorks, while trying to be inconspicuous about it. Actually succeed in inconspicuous part, despite themselves.
Noctis - missed the whole ordeal in his eternal beauty sleep. Eventually he will wake up and give this two stupid fucks his blessing. 

A woman: hey have you guys noticed this subtle way that sexism can manifest in m/w relationships
A million people all at once: lol looks like you’re picking the wrong men you dumb bitch! If you just make better choices in your relationships sexism will cease to affect you, duh!! Honestly this is your own fault. If you really wanted equality in a relationship you wouldn’t fall for anyone who has been taught any toxic messages about gender ever. MY boyfriend is a man and he would NEVER be sexist in any capacity ever so I can judge you as being the real problem here. How do you expect men to learn feminism if you keep fucking them? You’re bringing us all down.

I Aspire to be as fucking EXTRA was Alexander Gideon Lightwood

- this guy in his early 20’s, who’s really only ever had feelings for one person in his life - a guy that was closer than a friend, closer than a brother, legit emotionally, physically and psychologically linked to him in every way - a connection that would confuse any teenager in the world, especially one isolated in a training institute where everything from the food you eat to the classes you take are about making you into the best soldier you can be, an angelic warrior - a hero in the shadows

At a young age he made the choice to ignore his feelings and do what he was told - Emotions are nothing but a distraction - and as time went on he got used to it. He watched Jace chase skirts, he felt Jace’s attraction, his interest and lust through their bond, but he knew it would never be directed towards him.

So Alec got over it. Shadowhunters ruled with  their heads, not with their hearts. He grew up working closely with his sister and parabati - never paying attention to anyone else, until he met The High Warlock of Brooklyn.

Magnus Bane shined like the sun and Alec was blinded by him… Magnus immediately understood what Alec was hiding and he didn’t think less of him for it. In fact he liked Alec, he made that clear from the start. As they spent time together, they helped each other. This caused them to grow to care for each other on top of the undeniable attraction and connection between them.

Then Alec’s birthright came into play - he was expected to get married and head the New York Institute. This was the career he was always supposed to have as the eldest child, the first born son. He’d trained his whole life for this. It wasn’t about his feelings for anyone else, it was about what was expected of him. It was about restoring the Lightwood name. It was about honor, duty, family.

But when the moment of truth comes, Alec can’t marry Lydia, he can’t deny himself forever. He’s gay, he’s always known that. And Magnus is there… offering Alec everything he ever wanted. All he had to do was step off the altar and take it.

So he called off his wedding, refused the future that was planned for him - stepped down in front of his whole world and went to Magnus. It should be noted that this was clearly Alec’s first kiss and he grabs the fucking High Warlock of Brooklyn, who most people avoid touching at all, by the lapels and proceeds to make out with him like he owns this powerful, ancient warlock and Magnus Bane is just like… finally.

Drink framing (Some thoughts on 12.11)

If Dean drinks milk anytime in 12.11, that faint screaming you hear will be mine. I promise this will make sense by the end… at least I hope so.

Adults drinking milk in western movies and tv pretty much always means something and the context of it can be really fascinating. I can’t remember if Sam or Dean drink milk any time during the rest of the series but if Dean does during this next episode, it will say a lot about how they are trying to frame the reversion of his memories. 

In fact, if either of them ever drink milk in the series, expect it to mean something. I don’t know a single movie or show where this has happened where it didn’t hold significance. It was even something I was taught in film school.

Some examples of films that use this trick to frame their characters:

A Clockwork Orange
Inglourious Basterds
Mad Max: Fury Road
Catch Me If You Can

Seriously, there are entire essays by film people, psychologists, etc about this. If Dean drinks milk in the next episode, it will mean something. Filmmakers pretty much never give milk to an adult actor unless they’re trying to say something. In fact, pretty much every drink in film means something:

When Finn and his family sit at the dinner table in the first episode of Stranger Things, everyone at the table, including his dad is drinking juice. Except his mother who drinks wine. This says something about her character and how the dynamic of this family works.

I doubt this will happen, but this would be the perfect episode for it and it would be a very simple device to convey how they want Dean’s experience read depending on the context of the scene.

Do you ever have feelings about how much Cat Grant cares about Kara? How far they’ve come? Listen we’re not even talking strictly about Cat knowing about Supergirl. When Kara pulls Cat’s pillow into her lap and says “I do not do well with change,” Cat isn’t thinking of Supergirl. Cat’s thinking of Thanksgiving last year, spent with an assistant she was just starting to really see, telling Cat that her parents died in a fire, and that she now has a foster family. Cat’s thinking of the woman who told her about her mother, how she made a choice and chose wrong. And how scared she was of repeating those mistakes.

This is Cat, with the woman who made it almost 3 years as her assistant, longer than literally any other person she’s ever had, and excelled, who’s so afraid of disappointing her but is so very astounding.

Who will go to the literal ends of the Earth for somebody else, but has problems deciding what she wants. And that is wholly like anyone else Cat has ever met, who deals with sycophants and puffed up egotistically A-listers, convinced of their own importance. This is an extraordinary person, visible to everyone but herself.

Who is looking so very small and vulnerable and glass-paper thin, who’s reaction to “I won’t be here” is genuine distress that someone is going to die. Leaving is synonymous with death for Kara, because that is her experience. And Cat sees the plain, honest expression on Kara’s face, the very real distress, and stops her admonishment and “scolding” and gently explains that she is seeking her next great adventure.

As good as I think evil!Lena has the potential to be, I really hope they don’t. I feel like although you could make a really good story out of it, that making her evil basically upends everything she’s ever done up to that point. They’ve been toying with this “Lena Luthor: Is She Evil?” storyline all season and that much is quite obvious. I think we all know that. But beyond Lena staring dramatically off into space, she hasn’t really done anything that indicates she’s evil or has any evil intentions. In fact, everything she’s done points to the exact opposite. 

The only instance that I can really think of, is the alien detection device, and that wasn’t necessarily evil. More MorallyGray!Lena, which I wholeheartedly support. I think it’s the most realistic version of Lena Luthor. 

But while I think the story could be good, in regards to evil!Lena, it would also completely ruin the character that they’ve created. It would almost be like establishing an entirely new character, erasing every good thing she’s ever done. And basically screwing up any character development or growth that we could have and would love to have seen from her. It’s a complete 180-degree turn from what they’ve written and frankly a disservice to her character. 

Not to mention the awful message that the storyline would promote. That it doesn’t matter how hard you try to be a good person, you can’t escape how you were raised. Not to mention, they’ve been playing the exact opposite card with Mon-El. That someone who had a questionable moral character at the start, with enough work (and other things that I won’t get into right now), you can become someone worth being. If Mon-El, who seems to have struggled far more with this than Lena has, can do it, why does she have to subject to the Luthor fate? 

I’m still pulling for MorallyGray!Lena, but with the CW, I try to keep my expectations low. 

Rape Fantasies

1. 

When you come in to town I leave my doors unlocked. I wait for you to give in and do everything you’ve wanted to do to me since we met. You remember, sweater vest, pleated skirt, Gogol. You remember.

2.

It’s not really, like, rape per se, but like, I want to have no choice in the matter. To just be picked up and carried and be taken care of. It’s not like I’m saying no and he’s not stopping. Well, there are some things I’m gonna say no to that he’s supposed to keep doing anyway, but like, I’m not crying or anything, well, maybe. I just want to be taken care of. Just picked up and dealt with.

3.

Before we had ever said words I had flash fantasies. There weren’t any storylines or plots, just his ringed fingers imprinted onto my face, tossed into a wall with my head slammed back. The thing is, slapping has never done anything to me. It feels weak, insulting. The all consuming hit where your skin tingles all the way down to your cunt. Your face was flushed before hand, but now it’s hot. Now you know he can take care of you. You’re something that someone can do something about. I imagined him saying nothing. He just had me by the throat or the collarbone and I was struck like I was dumb, like I was brain dead. The first time I saw him behind the wheel I thought of where the best cliff was.

4.

It’s the freedom of it, that you don’t have to make choices for your body anymore. There is nothing for you to decide because it has already been done. And it’s sexy, if he’s sexy, to be in full possession of someone like that.

5.

I remember, once, I said I was about to come and he took himself out of me to come in my mouth instead. The degradation of, take everything I can give and take it and take it and take it. Isn’t there a kind of love in that? They take on what you can’t. I guess I shouldn’t be mixing sex and love, but isn’t that how it is, even for the people who think sticking your fingers in her mouth is dirty, they say they love their “rock?” The one who doesn’t move no matter how much they throw at them? I think it’s something like that.

6.

I lost my virginity to a guy who was afraid to slap me. I didn’t know what I was doing but I had to hold his hand to my throat. We didn’t use a condom and he didn’t buy me Plan B. I still have the box. I was afraid to throw it away incase someone saw it. I just wanted to know how to do it, to know that I could. I’m pretty sure he was bad at it, but I liked when my legs were up on his shoulders. I never made eye contact once.

7.

I think I confuse sex and suicide. I want to be annihilated, but in a sexual way. And that’s where it comes into play. I would carry myself over the edge but it’s hard to be both the waterfall and the boat. It feels like assisted suicide. It’s coming and I asked for it and I want to take it even if about the absence of pain, it’s the presence of the pain-that you are feeling it and receiving it. The presence is worthwhile, the pain is beneficial. It gets you where you want to go, even if you’re scared. It makes things appear more real, corporeal, if you’re not the only one doing it. The cutting is masturbation, it’s fun, you know your body, but it’s nothing like someone knowing you better than you do.

8.

I don’t know if I like all of that, but sometimes as a joke he’ll slap my ass but he doesn’t do it when we’re having sex and I don’t know how to ask him to hit me. I know it’s not the same, but it feels like that’s what I’m doing and I don’t even know why I like it. My home life was great growing up.

9.

I was seeing a guy for a while who never wanted to have sex. He would always push me off of him or tell me to slow down when I started rubbing on his leg. I always dragged his hand further up my legs but it rarely went anywhere. He wasn’t a daddy but he was my dad. I accidently said that once and he cringed. He wasn’t fucking me but he wanted everyone to think he was so he’d bruise me, mostly my neck. He had total control over my body without ever tying me down. I wasn’t getting sex and I wasn’t sneaking around. He had every say and it had nothing at all to do with his penis.

10.

I remember laying in bed with a boy who couldn’t give me what I wanted so I touched myself thinking about this other boy who only hours before told me how badly he wanted to kidnap me. I came and he didn’t even wake up.

11.

I daydream about choking to death while giving head. I think I’d want it, if it happened. I think I’d take it as an opportunity.

12.

I don’t know what to tell you, I’m the one who hears all of it, but it’s part of my job, to be voyeuristic. Some people love talking right away about all they want to do or what they want to be done to them and others are too ashamed to even consider acknowledging they have them. It works both ways, dads and moms. It’s just what happens, some cases are just more extreme. It’s my job to listen and not to judge, or at least don’t let them know that I’m judging. My daddy left me when I was eight but you don’t see me trying to get covered in candle wax do you?

13.

He likes when I call him daddy in front of other people. One time we were on the phone. He was blackout drunk and I said, goodnight daddy. The next day we talked and I was surprised that he remembered. He says he remembers the important things. Another time I was seeing someone else. He’d just come back from a shroom trip and was wrapped around me while I was on the phone with him. I said, goodnight dad so the guy wrapped around me wouldn’t know and he said,  goodnight daughter and laughed because now I ruined it. I was wet before the call disconnected. Shroom boy fell asleep. Had to take care of it myself. After that, he always became daddy. Not just in public, but when I was bad, or when I needed saving.

14.

Pretty fucked up, the relationship between dads and force, huh? What’s the science behind that one, Freud?

15.

What about the Virgin Mary? Without context it just sounds like a title on PornHub. What roles does force play in that? God had a rape fantasy over Joseph’s girlfriend. That’s all that happened and look, we got the whole world. Fuck me under the pew, shove a rosary somewhere it shouldn’t be, I don’t give a fuck. Humans drink cow’s milk. God’s got a fetish tab bookmarked. Powerlessness is sexy. Why do you think we’re all trying to orgasm 3 times a day? Force created the world. What more is there to say? Just fuck until you stop hating your parents. Whatever that looks like.

“I hate loving you” Bucky Barnes x Reader

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Featuring: none

Word count: 4356 words

Warnings: swearing and light angst

Tags: none

Notes: it’s unedited so I apologise in advance for any mistake :) Plus, I’m sorry it’s so long, I guess I got carried away haha hope you like it!

Originally posted by imaginesforlifetime


“Why is he here again?” You asked Steve.

It had been five months since that damn James Buchanan Barnes decided to go back to the ice. For you, it was the best choice he would ever take. You two never really get along. He was always rude to you so you were the same to him, even when you didn’t even understand why he behaved that way. The team used to say you two had feelings for each other but you just laughed when you heard that and he used to make some sarcastic comment.

But the truth was that they were right. You had a crush when you first met him and you felt idiot as that crush developed into something else. It didn’t really matter how much you two fought. At the end of the day, all you wanted to do was being held by him. Of course, he went back to the ice not knowing a thing.

During the next months you felt like something was missing. There was no one to fight with, there were no blue eyes to look at or no laugh to hear that made you feel like Bucky did. Even when he wasn’t there, he made a living hell out of your life. But somehow you got used to it and started to move on. You even dated a guy for a couple of months but you ended up breaking up with him.

You really thought you were over The Winter Soldier but you were never ready to walk into the kitchen and see him there, eating a salad like he had never left. He looked at you, you stared at him like he was seeing a ghost but before he could say anything else you literally ran out of the kitchen to look for his best friend. Steve.

“Nobody told you?”  Steve asked taking the bottle from the floor. You had found him training down in the gym.

“Obviously no”, you said crossing your arms.

“Basically, Bruce found a way to take everything HYDRA put into his head out”, Steve explained. “We got him back yesterday, Bruce is working on it right now”, he added.

You knew how Steve had missed his friend, and you could see in his face how happy and relieve he was of having him back. But at that moment you couldn’t help but be selfish. You didn’t want him there. Not after all those emotions you had felt the moment he had looked at you up in the kitchen.

“And don’t you think telling me would have been a good idea?” You asked. He sighed putting the bottle down on the floor again.

“Probably. But it was so fast. As soon as Bruce told me there was a chance, I talked to T’Challa immediately” He replied.

“That I can see”, you sighed looking away, not knowing how to handle this situation.

“(Y/N) I think it’s time you two just…make peace?” He suggested which made you laugh sarcastic.

“Rogers, in case you didn’t notice, it’s impossible to make peace with that guy. The metal in his arm has actually gone into his brain and he’s impossible to talk to”, you said. Steve took a deep breath, looking down at you.

“Just give it a try, please?” He said.

You stared into his eyes and groaned. How the fuck did he do it?

“Do you have any kind of magic in those eyes? Because I swear no one can tell you no!” You exclaimed frustrated. He laughed and wrapped his arms around you. “Ugh, you’re sweaty”, you mumbled pushing away.

“Thank you for trying”, he said.

“Whatever”, you sighed.

As he started punching the bag again you just left the gym. How were you supposed to go there and be nice to someone you knew that hated you? Especially knowing that he wouldn’t make it easy to you. Anyway, a promise to Cap was unbreakable. It would make you as bad as if you took a candy from a little boy.

When you went up from the gym to the kitchen you were relieved to find Natasha there instead of Bucky. It would give you more time to mentally prepare yourself for…whatever was about to come.

“Hey!” She said as you walked in. “How you doing?” She asked as she prepared a sandwich.

“Did you know Bucky was back?” You asked taking a seat on the counter. She stopped for a moment what she was doing and looked at you. By the look on her face you knew she did. “Seriously? You too?” You sighed.

“I’m sorry, it was so fast and you were out” she tried to explain.

“It’s ok, really I just…” You sighed and started playing with hair. “I wish I had some time to prepare myself”, you added.

She smiled at you and kept on working on her sandwich. None of you said anything until it was finished and Natasha was seated by your side eating it slowly.

“You still like him?” She asked making you roll your eyes.

“I’ve never liked him, Nat” you said with a sigh.

“Ok, if you want to lie to yourself that’s fine with me”, she shrugged.

Shaking your head you jumped down the counter and exited the kitchen. Of course those comment would be back and you just weren’t in the mood to put up with them. You went to the elevator to go to your room which was two floors above. When you walked out of it you looked around to find Bucky at the end of it, looking out of the window. Should you go and talk to him?

“I hate you Rogers…” You mumbled to yourself as you started walking towards him. “Hi”, you said loud enough for him to hear you. He turned to look at you but didn’t make any sign.

“Hey there”, he said. You looked at him, trying to find some words to say.

“Welcome back, I guess”, you said looking out of the window to avoid his gaze.

“Thank you”, he replied still looking at you.

The tension was evident between you two. He was making you so nervous with that staring thing he had going on and you were doing your best trying to cover it.

“How are you?” He finally asked. Glad that he was the first one talking, you dared to look at him.

“Fine”, you said nodding before looking away again. “Nothing’s changed around here”, you added with a frown.

“I’ve been told you dated someone”, he said making you chuckle.

“It was nothing. Just a two months thing. Nothing serious”, you shrugged.

“It’s surprising that someone managed to put up with you and your attitude for more than a week to be honest”

And there he was. The asshole. The jerk. Of course he was still there and of course he still hated you. Taking a deep breath you looked at him.

“It’s surprising Bruce worked more than two hours to find a solution to fix your fucked up head”, you snapped.

You knew that was a sensitive topic for him and obviously that didn’t change. His eyes darkened a little bit due to the anger and he moved closer to you. But you didn’t back off. You stayed there, looking up at him, challenging him, until your chest were pressed together.

“Are you sure you want to go down that road?” He mumbled.

“You’re not scary to me, Barnes, so fuck off”, you said pushing away. He was too strong to actually move him but you walked away shaking your head.

“Brat”, you heard him saying.

“Asshole”, you said back.

You were happy when he didn’t say anything else but also surprised. Luckily you got to your room and were able to lock the door before he changed his mind and decided to keep on fighting. It was only then when you felt how fast your heart was racing and how fast you were breathing. Taking a deep breath you sat down on the bed before letting yourself fall back. Of course he wouldn’t have changed. And of course you still loved him. And fucking of course it would still be painful to see that look in his eyes every time he looked at you.

Before you could stop them, tears started running down your face. Tears of pain, tears of sadness and tears of frustration. What had you done to be deserve his hate?


“(Y/N)…” Suddenly you opened your eyes and sat up scared. When did you fall asleep? “It’s me. Steve”, he said turning on the light.

“What? I fell asleep?” You asked rubbing your eyes. You felt them puffy and dry after all the crying.

“Apparently”, he chuckled. “You didn’t come to dinner and I was worried”, he said making you look up. It was then when he saw your eyes. “Have you been crying?” He asked.

“No! Of course not”, you said moving your head out of his hand and getting up to go the bathroom and wash your face.

“(Y/N), I know you and I know how you look like after crying”, he said following you. “You’ve been crying”, he said again.

“So what?” You whispered looking at him through the mirror.

“Because of Bucky?” He asked leaned against the door frame.

“No”, you replied quickly looking down at the sink. “But I tried Steve, he’s an asshole and impossible to talk to”, you added walking out of the bathroom quickly.

“You still love him, right?”

His words made you stop in the middle of the room. It was the first time someone said love to talk about your feelings towards the soldier. Everybody used to say it was a crush or that you just liked him. But Steve just used the L word. Of course he knew you better than anyone else in the team. He was more like a big brother to you and had always looked after you.

“I…hate him”, you whispered. You heard him sighing behind you so you turned around to look at him. “What do you want me to say, Steve?”

“The truth. At least to me”, he said moving closer to you. You looked at him with a frown, trying to keep your tears inside.

“Yes Steve, I’m in love with someone who hates me, with someone that had never said a nice word to me. I love Bucky and after five months the feeling didn’t go away. I wish I could do something to just…forget about him but I can’t.” You said.

He was looking at you the whole time, not saying a word until you were finished. And even then, he just pulled you closer to him, hugging you tight as you cried over his chest, rubbing your back slowly in a useless attempt to calm you down. You felt slightly better after saying it out loud to someone but knowing that Bucky would never feel the same for you just made you cry even more.

“He doesn’t hate you”, he whispered after placing a kiss on your head.

“He does”, you said sniffing.

“Look, I’m not talking about Bucky’s feelings ok? You should. But believe me when I say he doesn’t hate you. Not at all”, he said. Not saying a word you wrapped your arms around him once again. “You hungry?” He asked and you shook your head. “Ok… I’m going to have dinner and I’ll come back later ok? You take a shower and calm down, please. You know I can’t see you like this”, he said looking down at you.

Once you nodded he kissed your forehead and walked out of the room, leaving you alone. You couldn’t believe you had just confessed your true feelings towards Bucky to Steve, his best friend. You knew he would say anything since he didn’t like to interfere in this kind of things, but still it worried you. If Bucky knew he would just make fun of you forever and it would be even more painful than it already was.

Since you weren’t hungry at all, you did as Steve told you and took a shower. It really helped you to calm down but you were still sobbing lightly when you got dressed into some oversize t-shirt and your underwear. You didn’t know what else you could so you took the book you were currently reading, The Lord of the Rings, and sat on the bed, leaned against the headboard and started reading. This was probably the only way you knew to escape reality at least for a while.

A couple of hours later you actually felt a bit better. The tension in your chest and the knot in your stomach were still there but at least you didn’t feel like you could cry any moment now. Probably reading Frodo’s adventure did help you a bit.

“May I come in?” You heard Steve from the door. You looked up and saw him popping his head in.

“Sure”, you said smiling a little as you put your book down on the bed. He walked in and took a seat next to you, examining your features, probably looking for any sign of recent tears.

“How are you feeling?” He finally asked.

“I’ve been reading The Lord of the Rings for the last two hours. I could probably speak elfic by now”, you joked. He chuckled and took the book, examining it silently.

“I’ve been talking with Bucky”, he finally said with a sigh. You tensed up as he said that. He didn’t tell him right? He couldn’t do that to you. He was like your brother. “Don’t worry, I didn’t say anything”, he added quickly as he saw your expression. Thanks to that you relaxed a bit but you were still anxious. What had they been talking about?

“And…?” You pushed him after a while of silence.

“I don’t know what I can say…” He frowned.

“He hates me right?” You said feeling how you broke a bit.

“No. You drive him insane”, he said with a chuckle before looking at you. “(Y/N) you really should talk to him about this”, he said.

“No.” You said simply. “He will laugh at me and make fun of me for it. I can’t deal with that”, you said.

“He won’t”, he assured you putting the book on the side table. “Trust me on this one”

“I always trust you, Rogers”, you said hugging your knees against your chest and resting your chin on them.

“And have I ever failed you?” He smiled innocently at you.

“No…” You admitted looking down at the bed. “But what am I supposed to say? He’s an idiot. We can’t say two sentences without fighting” you frowned.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in your head when you see him”, he shrugged. “Just go and improvise”, he made you laugh with that.

“That’s the worst plan ever, Captain”, you told him with a sigh.

“Just…try it.” He said once again looking at you.

With a frown you looked up at him and then down. You couldn’t. It was true that you could resist a bullet wound, a broken bone and everything. But you wouldn’t be able to resist a broken heart. You just knew it. You were too scared of that to even trying.

“Sleep it off, babe” he said kissing your head before getting up and going to the door. “But I think it would be worth it”, he added before walking out of the room and closing the door behind him.


Fucking 3 a.m. and there you were. Rolling around the bed, not being able to sleep because all you saw every time you closed your eyes were his eyes. Full of hate. And at the same time you just couldn’t get Steve’s words out of your head. Why would he be so sure about you talking to him? It didn’t make sense. And why did you drive Bucky insane? Was that even a good thing?

Once you got sick of being in bed you just got up, changed into your training clothes and left the room. Maybe a punching bag session would help you clearing your head. As you walked into the gym and FRIDAY turned on the lights for you, you went to your locker to take the tape for your fingers and knuckles. Seated on a bench you started wrapping it around your fingers methodically and once you were done you got up and walked to the bag.

Without hesitation you started throwing one punch after the other, picturing Bucky’s smirk all the time. That damn sexy smirk that made you want to punch him in the face. Gosh, that would really feel good. Why did he have to be so rude? So asshole? Why couldn’t he see you?

“Damn…” You mumbled when you felt yourself tearing up once again.

Taking the bag in your hands you pressed your forehead against it, taking some deep breaths in order to calm you down. You were better off when he was away in the fucking ice. Sure, you missed him, but it was much easier than having him around and not be able to actually have him. Especially when you craved his touch, his voice, his laugh. But you knew that was impossible.

“Damn it!” You screamed punching the bag with rage this time. “Why do you have to be so fucking idiot?” You mumbled to yourself as you kept on punching, stronger every time.

“Feisty, aren’t we?” You stopped punching the second you heard his voice.

This wasn’t possible. What was he doing down there? At fucking 4 in the fucking morning? How was it possible?

“If karma exists…it hates me”, you mumbled to yourself before you just kept on going with your training, ignoring his presence.

“And now you don’t even say hi? And I thought we were making progress” he said now closer to you. You had to take a deep breath in order not to turn around and punch his head. “The cat got your tongue?”

“What the fuck do you want Barnes?” You snapped, stopping the bag from swinging but not looking at him.

“There she is”, he said. Without even looking at him you could see the smirk on his face. That stupid goddamn sexy smirk. “Actually I went to the kitchen to have some water”, he said. Suddenly he appeared on your visual field but you had to look away. He was just wearing some sweatpants that were hanging low on his hips. Of course he didn’t use a t-shirt to sleep. “And I heard the noises down here. I got curious and came down, thinking it was someone…”

As he didn’t finish the sentence you looked at him for a moment. Exactly, he was wearing that stupid smirk. You turned around and walked to the bench where you had the bottle of water you had taken from the kitchen before coming down. You knew he was teasing you. He wanted you to react but you didn’t want to give in. Not for once.

“You know. Someone who can actually fight without help”, he said.

This time it was him who had hit a sensitive spot for you. Since you had been the newest addition to the team, you didn’t have as much experience as the others. Due to that fact, you used to need help in missions if you got surrounded by your enemies. You hated that. You felt weak and useless but you knew telling the team not to help you would mean your death. Plus, they wouldn’t even listen to you.

“Can you leave me alone? Just for once?” You asked after taking a long sip from the bottle.

“That would be too easy, don’t you think?” And once again he was just behind you.

“What’s your problem, Barnes?” You snapped turning around to face him. “Why do you enjoy this so much huh? Torturing me every single time you see me?”

“Me? You are always the one picking up a fucking fight for the lamest things!” He exclaimed frowning. “And now it is my fault?”

“You were the one coming down here! Right now! And decided to stay when you saw it was me! The person you apparently hate the most”, you said feeling yourself on the edge once again. You didn’t want to cry in front of him but you knew it was hard to control.

“I don’t fucking hate you! You just drive me insane, don’t you understand?” He said louder now.

“And what’s that supposed to mean James!? Because I swear that I can’t keep on doing this anymore, it’s fucking killing me. I can’t manage you looking at me like that anymore, it’s too painful don’t you see? The only reason I keep on fighting you it’s because that’s the only way we can talk and I would rather have that than nothing at all.” You were now literally yelling at his face.

“Oh of course! Because we can’t be friends right? Fight or nothing, that’s the deal with you right?” He yelled at you as well.

“I can’t be friends with you, you dumbass.” You said lower at the moment. Feeling the words bubbling in your throat. Would you be able to say them?

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked crossing his arms.

“That I’m desperately in love with you, fuck!” You exclaimed. “That this months had been a living hell because you weren’t around. That I had missed you more than I want to admit and I still hated seeing you back because I know you hate me and I love you and I fucking hate loving you”, you said with tears in your eyes now.

When you finished talking you found yourself much relieved, like something heavy had left your body. But now you were right on the edge, really to fall, ready to break. And the only person who could save was standing in front of you, looking at you in shock. You knew he didn’t feel the same. You had been so stupid. You shouldn’t have listened to Steve and you knew it.

“Forget it”, you mumbled before walking out of the gym as fast as you could, wanting to leave him behind, as far from you as possible.

First of all you were going to kill Steve. Somehow he managed to give you hope when you shouldn’t have had any. And then you would just try and avoid the soldier as much as you could. You didn’t want to see his face ever again. You would still go to the missions with him because it was your job but that would be all. But the worst part was having to pick up your broken heart and try and fix it again, knowing you wouldn’t be able to. How did you allow yourself to fall so hard for anyone?

When you walked into your room, tears streaming down your face like a cascade, sobbing like never before, you started taking off the tape from your hands. You wanted to hate him. You needed it but at least for now you knew it was impossible.

A knock on your door took you out of your thoughts. Somehow you knew it was him so you didn’t want to open the door but before you could control yourself, you were already at the door. Indeed, he was there, on the other side, looking at you still shocked.

“James just leave me alone, please”, you said as you started to close the door again but he put his metal arm against it, stopping you.

“No”, he said simply.

Suddenly you saw something changing in his eyes for a second before he placed his flesh hand on your neck and kissed you fiercely, closing the door with his other hand before placing it on your hair. Your hands travelled up his body until you placed them on his hair and his neck while his moved down to your hips to pull you closer to him. You didn’t know what this meant. It made absolutely no sense at all and still you didn’t want to pull away from him. It felt good. Really good. His lips were soft but the kiss was pure passion. His breath was fresh somehow and you tasted mint in his mouth. And as he tried to pull you even closer, making you arch your back, you realised you had never felt like this. At home.

“Bucky…wait, stop…” You finally managed to pull away to look at him. He looked down at you but didn’t put his hands away from you. “What are you doing?”

“What I should’ve done a long time ago, doll”, he whispered stroking your head before pecking your lips. “I told you. You drive me insane. Every time I see you I just want to devour your lips, every time I hear you laugh I want to be the reason you’re laughing”, he said smiling a little and you swore you could see some pink on his cheeks. “But I thought you hated me and I still loved you. It drove me insane, I swear”, he said. As he said those words you felt your heart suddenly racing once again.

“You…you love me?” You whispered, being too afraid of believing him.

“(Y/N)…when T’Challa’s scientists took me out of the ice, I didn’t think of a cure, I didn’t think about what HYDRA had done to me… I thought about you. Only you.” He said before kissing you softly again. “About your laugh, your eyes, about how funny you are when you’re furious but still a bit scary, how adorable you are when you’re sleepy and how moody you are every morning. I just wanted to see you, babe”, he confessed.

“And couldn’t you say all this just months ago?” You asked smiling a little. He chuckled and kissed you again.

“I was busy trying to hate you”, he whispered. “I’m glad to tell you it didn’t work”

“I’m glad”, you said smiling at him.

2

Smol monkey king `v´)

I am back from my break! °7°)

Long whiny post ahead..

This summer I faced an huge art block or rather a huge depression. A lot of shit happened during vacation that affected my “hobby”. I nearly quit. Making art is an adventurous journey with ups and downs. But I lost my way and didn´t know where I want my art to go. When you´re studying at a design faculty and want to work afterwards you need to be good. I sketched and studied a lot. Maybe that wasn´t enough because I haven´t seen any progress this year and that makes me really anxious about my choices. I met amazing artists and professionals this year. They were so humble,inspiring and motivating but at the same time I questioned myself, am I ever be able to reach their level? I know there are lots of advices to not compare yourself with others. It´s really hard. ;; 

Then I found my journal at my hometown during summer break. It reminded me why I love to draw. I want to create something that inspired others! Express feelings (fun, sadness, anger etc.) through art which can´t put into words. 

This sounds silly but a journal saved my love for art. I forgot the times where drawing calmed me down when I feel stressed. Lately drawing have stressed me because I think too much while I draw something. I need to change a lot of things right now… especially myself. I have to keep going and enjoy drawing again.

I am so sorry for this super-whiny-post, but I wanted to share these feelings. I guess every artist will go through those times someday…Just remind yourself why you started drawing!

Thank you for reading!

Enjoy your day guys!