5x14 “My Bloody Valentine”
“Dean, Sam just has to get it out of his system and then he’ll be…”
The ending scene of the episode will never not absolutely devastate me. Because the truly awful thing about this episode is that in a very twisted way Famine made Dean feel better. His power amplified what he has been craving for: to be numb, to not feel a thing, to not have to pretend or try and achieve this artificially. Dean surely wasn’t happy in this episode, but he seemed strangely calm and ~okay. He needed none of his usual crutches to get through the day. Didn’t need flirting and putting on the mask of the skirt chasing guy, who has it all figured out to hide how he truly feels, didn’t have to indulge in cheap fast food to re-create the feeling of home and safety and didn’t need to drink himself blind to forget about everything that makes his life suck three ways til sunday. The calm and nothingness Dean craved here already are the same he longed for when taking on the mark and got addicted to what the mark provided. So when Sam took out Famine, saved all of them from his spell, Dean didn’t truly win, but all of his issues and insecurities came crashing in twice as hard as before. And in case you truly needed a visual cue to drive this point home, then it is this one: Dean drinking from the almost empty liquor bottle - and yes, I’m dead certain he drank it all by himself - desperately trying to shut out all of the feelings and doubts and fears, but failing and in the end openly crying praying to a God he long stopped to believe in.