was i supposed to think of a guy that i actually know

taleoftheuchihas  asked:

Do you know that prank when woman texted to her husband that she adopted coyote? God I love it and I am just wondering if you can write a headcanons for Sasuke having a s/o who loves to prank him? Of course we suppose his s/o has super believable pranks so he can’t really always say „nah, too superficial, give me a break“ and it would be more like modern AU version of Sasuke and if you include that coyote prank it would be great (like maybe it was one of the pranks he can't forget :D) thank you!

I don’t know that prank actually lol. I had to look it up here. This is a tricky request so I hope these are decent!

Sasuke

•To be quite frank, I don’t see Sasuke tolerating pranks very much. Even in a modern AU. If they’re believable, that’s even worse. Because he gets all worked up only to find out it was just fake in the end. He probably won’t talk to his s/o for days afterward

•As for the coyote trick, Sasuke would sooner call the police on his s/o than let them bring a coyote into the house next to his kid. He’s not going to waste time texting his s/o angrily and bargaining with them. He’ll call animal control quick. He doesn’t play around and doesn’t entertain it. (Plus he’d be able to tell those pics were photoshopped lmao)

•And tbh, after the first time they play a prank on him (it probably spiraled into one big argument too. Sasuke has a sense of humor but only for certain things. Not pranks) he knows not to fall for them again. He may occasionally almost fall for something, but he knows better. He starts learning the signs. He’s good at deciphering when his s/o is lying

•If he somehow keeps falling for them because they are super believable, he’d probably get tired of them. He just really isn’t a guy who enjoys being pranked. Once or twice is enough. He’ll allow a s/o that. Anything more, and he you can see the frustration growing 

Eurovision 2K17: Graham Norton's Best Bits

“It’s a grey, damp night outside so there’s a faint smell of wet dog in the arena.”

“So, the theme this year is celebrating diversity, so let’s see who they’ve got to host… Oh, it’s three white men. Well done.”

“I can’t mock the jacket because… I’ve worn worse.”

“Timur is a personality powerhouse.”

“They’re excellent at speaking at the same time, they’ve cracked that.”

“Her brother will be fiddling with her on stage tonight.”

“Nathan Trent is actually his stage name. His real name is… Very difficult.”

“If you think my job’s hard, check out the guy pretending to play the saxophone for three minutes.”

“I should tell you, the Union Jack just fell off the wall in the commentary room. Hope it’s not an omen.”

“Nothing’s gone wrong. This was planned.”

“By the way, don’t worry, he hasn’t bought his mother’s ashes onstage with him. It’s actually a mini milk churn, which- who knew- could double as a musical instrument. Well, I say musical.”

“By the way, there hasn’t been a stage invasion. The woman is a professionally trained dancer. She is meant to be there.”

“The dancer trying to hide there. Who can blame her?”

“Inside that gorilla is Italy’s leading choreographer.”

“If you’re going to dress someone as a gorilla, at least get a decent costume. It looks like two carseat covers sewn together.”

“She was born and raised there (Australia). Moved to Denmark… Suspiciously recently.”

“There is so much love in this room.”
“Not for you, Alex.”

“Stop.”

“And you keep thinking, ‘oh, this will make sense in a moment’ and… No…”

“She very kindly gave us some promotional chalk. I’ll be taking that home.”

“Ironically, for a man singing a song called ‘My Friend’, he doesn’t seem to have any.”

“Song 14 is Australia. Let’s not get into it.”

“My only piece of advice would be don’t start looking at his eyebrows unless you don’t want to stop”

"Does he advertise car insurance?”

“It’s got lots of things euro fans will enjoy: a beautiful woman, a stonking disco beat, and two half-naked men splashing around in a paddling pool.”

“Ooo. Some dodgy notes in there. I wonder if something’s gone wrong technically… Or maybe he’s just not great.”

“He wasn’t supposed to be singing but he stepped into the breach when the original singer… Came to his senses.”

“Comedy alert, ladies and gentleman.”

“Now… If I say this song is rap meets yodelling…”

“She claims to be the only yodeller in Romania. Probably because the others don’t talk about it. It’s the first rule of Yodel Club.”

“She splits her time between Berlin and London, so if you think you know her, you’ve probably seen her waiting for a bus or something.”

“Eurovision fans know it’s a long wait for the competition.” “A year. It’s a year, Timur.”

“The next thing you’ll ask is… How can three minutes be this long?”

“I just hope she enjoys it (performing) a bit more than she appears to.”

“This boy is a boy.”

“He’s literally just turned 17. He was born in this century.”

“We’ve done it, ladies and gentleman. This is song 26.”

“Terrific graphics, though. Mind you, if we’re looking at the graphics, something’s gone terribly wrong, hasn’t it.”

“Verka and her mother. I think it’s the same mother she had in 2008, we can’t be sure.”

“She (Verka) has already started drinking tonight.”
“Oh, I can believe that.”

“If zombies did aerobics, it’d look a bit like this.”

“Two hundred million people… Are watching this.”

“This is quite torturous. A very long minute.”

*gasp* “I smell charisma.”

“I shared a urinal with John Ola Sand earlier. I didn’t talk to him…. Thought best not to.”

“Look at us, on the left hand side of the scoreboard.”

“Do you think she gave the other half of her jacket to the man from Croatia?”

“This is like an international version of First Dates.”

“They’re like the muppets with accents.”

UPDATED TRUMP DOCTOR LETTER

To Whom It May Concern:

A lot of people have expressed a desire for an update on President Donald J. Trump’s health since his inauguration. I have been the personal physician of President Donald J. Trump since 1980 and I am here to say that Mr. Trump’s health is absolutely better than ever.

Since being sworn in, Donald Trump has lost 50 pounds and gained 17 inches of height. He’s the longest president who has ever lived. His livers are both functioning flawlessly. His blood sets an all-time record for the state of New York for “most” and his blood pressure was rated “excellent” by seven different Fox News Twitter polls. He doesn’t even have one cholesterol.

I can say this unequivocally: Donald Trump has the most bones. Scientists estimate that he now has around 900 bones in his body and more are being discovered every day. Some of those bones have never been seen before. They allow him to be really good at presidential things like signing executive orders and making love nightly to his wife who wants him to.

Mr. Trump’s test results have been astonishingly excellent. He actually has a blood type we’ve never seen before: “All.” It’s both the universal donor and universal recipient, and sprinkling it on your penis makes your penis bigger. Mr. Trump’s blood is gorgeous. It has a rich color that’s hard to describe, but if I had to put it into words, I might call it “red.”

President Donald Trump has no family history of cancer, diabetes, or death. The president’s family members are immortal beings that walk the earth without end, craving the sweet release of death that will never come unless they make a deal with a cool witch. Donald Trump will never die, he will just keep growing vertically forever until he lives in space. It’s really astonishing.

His physical strength is extraordinary. He can lift as much as a mother whose child is trapped under a car, but he’s more attractive than that mother and he hasn’t let himself go like she has. Have you seen the way she dresses lately? The hypothetical mother in this simile is a total chunk. 4 at best. As the famous doctor Hippocrates once said, “Would not hit.”

Since the Inauguration, Mr. Trump has kept an extremely active lifestyle. He starts every morning by walking straight up into the sky and then walking down again. He also visits me regularly for checkups. Mr. Trump doesn’t let me touch him because of gay, so I just eyeball it and give him a once over. I can usually tell just by looking how much blood is in him that day or which liver has taken the lead, so it’s not a super intensive process.

Mr. Trump is not only the healthiest president that has ever served, but also the most handsome. I usually want to kiss President Trump when I see him, but I would never break the doctor-patient trust, so instead I kiss the portrait of him I drew on my little note pad. There have been no presidents that even come close to President Trump in terms of overall health and hotness. Franklin Pierce was pretty hot, but his body wasn’t great. James Garfield was more cute than hot. President Trump is the total package. I know this because of my stethoscope.

Just to give a little more background on me, I’ve been a doctor for years. I got into medicine the same way a lot of doctors do: I once took an unmarked pill that I found under a toilet in a public restroom, and the next thing I knew, I was blacked out doing surgery on a man on a Benihana table with the big knives they got over there. I flipped this guy’s appendix right into my hat. And that’s when I caught the bug, for surgery and for tetanus!

Now, I want to address some of the slanderous things that have been said about me. It’s just like these coastal elites to say I’m not qualified as a physician. They think you need fancy things, like a diploma from Harvard Med School or a diploma from a med school or a GED or a car or medicine or clean hands. You don’t need those to be a doctor! All you need is the right attitude and a good sense of humor and to be Jewish and a blank death certificate just in case!

This is America. We’re not “fancy” here. You’re supposed to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and put a bunch of clamps in a guy and see what tubes you can clamp up without making him sleep forever. My grandfather was a blue-collar worker, and so was my father. I am a red-collar worker because my collar is always covered in spurting blood. I may not know art or science or what a “lung” is, but I do know that I love America and am a lung-doctor!

Because of my love of America and Donald Trump, it is an honor to be his physician. Donald Trump could teach us all a thing or two about health. Not only is he the healthiest human ever, but also the healthiest dog, house and Faberge Egg. I wish him luck as he continues on his endless journey.

Love,

“Doctor” Harold N. Bornstein, M.D. (Mostly Doctor)

i talked to him on a wednesday. he sighed on my bed. i was skyping my sister, who was trying to teach me how to knit. i told him i needed to go to bed early, i had a test in the morning. he said he had things to discuss and i’m a patient person so i listened.

this is, i learn, how our “friendship” works. hours of my life become his sanctuary. he texts me constantly. his problems fill up every space in my planner. often he demands my attention rather than asking. i feel bad, because i’m the type to feel bad, so i listen. i offer advice that goes ignored, i sit in contemplative silence even though i should be studying, i nod my head and support him. 

he doesn’t notice i start drinking wine as soon as he shows up. a few times i make the mistake of trying to bring my own problems up. they are always overshadowed by his own, or else i am given an odd supply of uncomfortable comments. “i don’t feel good lately” is met with “a girl as pretty as you isn’t supposed to feel sad.” i say “i don’t like my writing recently” and he spends forty seconds saying i’m beautiful and intelligent and a perfect girlfriend before saying “unlike me, i’m awful” and before i know it, i’m comforting him again. we don’t have real conversations. once, as an experiment, i spend two hours completely silent, just to see if he’ll notice. he doesn’t. 

once he bursts into my room while i’m scheduling my week. he’s taken aback by how much i’m doing. “you look so busy!” he says, “where’s all the time you’re planning on spending with me?” he doesn’t ask about any of my other activities. he knows nothing about my life except that i’m good at listening. i feel myself under a rolling pin. he flattens me out to use me. he punishes me if i don’t give him attention - all i hear is how he is useless without me, how he’s barely holding on, how he doesn’t know what he’d do if one day i was gone. he doesn’t know my middle name. he misses my birthday.

it’s wednesday again. i’ve been drinking. he took some of my wine without asking. he lounges on my couch with his arm casually around me. my actual friends know i don’t like touching. i asked him to move but he just laughed and said “you’re so funny.” he’s too heavy for me to move physically so i just let him lay there, complaining. i stare into space, thinking about the news i got that day. about how my life has changed.

he looks up to me. “can i ask you a personal question?”  

i don’t say “that would be a first,” because my mother raised me to respond politely. i tell him go ahead, as always, i’m listening.

“why do girls like you date jerks?” he asks me.

i stare at him, uncomprehending. he is a runaway train, his mouth still moving. “I just mean,” he says, “you’re all always going after the worst guys like you don’t even see people like me. like i’m always being friend-zoned, even you did it, and you’re one of the only people who is nice to me. but girls like you never say yes to boys like me.”

i don’t know what he’s saying. i’m dating a girl, and he would know that, if he knew anything about me; a clever and talented girl who means everything to me. 

he sighs and sits back when i’m not immediate in responding. “this,” he says, “is what i mean.” looks up with puppy dog eyes at me, “i mean could you ever date someone as awful as me? am i just a friend? am i doomed to be nothing more than the friend to pretty girls?”

we aren’t friends. we aren’t friends. we aren’t friends. 

he moves the topic before i can reply, back to his problems. i text my girlfriend, “men are animals” and she sends me back a poem about how much she loves me. he tries to kiss me when he leaves, and when i duck out of it, i later get sixteen texts on how scared i am of sex. his facebook posts are all about how women don’t know how to find the right men. how we’re blind to the good things. how we don’t see fate when it’s happening. 

he says, “i wrote you something.”

it’s a poem about him.

yknow what. it’s in the am hours. ive had at least 2 alcoholic beverages tonighit. and i have decided that once im out of tech school im gonna get a degree in ye olde literature just so i can write a groundbreaking paper about how cu chulainn (the actual myth one not the anime one) is a fucking trans icon. my guy is incredibly trans. lets just take a good look at the facts here folks

-these stories were written down by monks with an obviously christian agenda they edited the story to adhere to, in some parts more obviously so than others. considering the roman catholic hatred of trans people at the time, it would not be unreasonable to assume that if cu chulainn was in fact trans in the originals that were being written down said monks would attempt to cover that up by making him cis.

-dude changed his name which is a very trans™ thing 2 do obviously

-the whole thing with the curse and how he was the only one ready to throw the fuck down while all the other men were in bed with the pains of birth like this is such a classic example of using gendered language in magic shenanigans to ur advantage

-often described as being small & beardless “this is supposed to show he’s young” but is it really??? it’s not uncommon for masculine women to be mistaken for young men and him being both notably small and unable to grow a beard is brought up several times in text. either way it’s not like being young and being trans are mutually exclusive. really makes you think.

-alright here’s the big kicker that really says Cu Chulainn Is Trans 2 me in big shiny letters: he had to prove himself as Really Being That Tough over & over again to a frankly ridiculous degree. multiple times (at least 2 in the tain bo cuailnge that i can remember rn) there’s some enemy fuck who knows god damn well the one in front of them is cu mother fucking chulainn who has been absolutely obliterating his enemies by the hundreds but the moment they see him & notice he’s beardless (again, this is usually interpreted as meaning he’s young but that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case) they’re like “nah I’m not fighting that get me a real enemy” and cu has to put on a fake beard to convince them he really is A Big Tough Dude Who Can Kick Your Ass. another time in the tain cu used his sick sword skills to make a fool of someone who was mocking him and the fucking idiot didn’t stop even after cu literally shaved the guys head clear & cut off his clothes with a sword. there’s one story (called bricriu’s feast) of a competition where cu easily beat everyone by a wide margin in everything they compete in but none of the other contestants wanted to accept the result so they kept bringing in other judges trying to get someone other than cu to be declared winner. 

there’s this really weird refusal of people in the ulster cycle to accept that cu chulainn is as good at things as he is (specifically things considered masculine like fighting) and idk about all yall but that really fucking screams good old fashioned transphobia to me lads. like trans folks are still dealing with this shit in modern day with athletes not being allowed to compete with their own fucking gender bc it ~wouldnt be fair~ or other such nonsense. this fuck shit with ppl absolutely refusing to acknowledge cu as possibly being good at Man Things is incredibly Trans Relatable™.

-ALSO i just remembered this but there’s also at least one and i’m pretty sure more than one time where cu talks to people who are like “yea we’re trying to hunt down cu chulainn” and they don’t realise he is in fact that very same cu chulainn or are even remotely suspicious of him which would make a lot more sense if they mistook him for a woman

in conclusion: hes trans

anonymous asked:

I need the story of the Underground Shakespearian Ring

Okay, so the school I went to for 9th grade had this really bizarre grading setup that I still don’t understand- for some reason, instead of the teachers writing up and grading tests and exams and the like, all the work was sent to an unknown third party for them to grade??? It made no sense.

Now, for the most part, the school had decent teachers, and they would just teach the curriculum correctly and then you wouldn’t run into problems with the grading. My English teacher was not one of those teachers.

So like, she hated me pretty early on- she was my homeroom teacher and thought it was disrespectful that I slept in homeroom in the mornings (I was on sleeping pills and they never wore off completely until around 10am), I never had the vocab homework in on time (someone kept breaking into my locker and stealing my vocab books I had to buy a new one like five times), she thought it was “inherently pessimistic and stuck up” when she caught me reading a book called ‘Ninth Grade Slays’ (it was about vampires, not her?), and during our Greek Mythology unit I kept correcting her about the name pronunciations of the gods (she pronounced Hephaestus as Hepatitis one time holy shit). 

Anyway, her feelings on me aside, her teaching skills were shoddy at best. But I had had way worse teachers, so had the rest of the class, and Greek myths are pretty straight-up in what’s going on, so no one really had trouble with the third-party tests.

Then we get to the Romeo and Juliet unit.

Now, fun fact: Shakespeare has always come pretty easily to me. Like, to the point where I sometimes forget/fail to understand that other people have an incredibly hard time translating his works. (I told this whole story to my friends in the school I went to for 10th/11th/12th grade and when the drama department put on ‘Midsummers Night Dream’ one year, more than half the cast tried to get me to translate their scripts and monologues for them lmao).

So, anyway, I’m just a girl, reading Romeo and Juliet and digging how it’s going…and then the teacher starts ‘translating’ it.

Um.

I cannot sift through all the bullshit this woman was spewing, but let’s just say that my favorite part is during Romeo’s spew about Rosaline, there’s one part where he says something like ‘with cupid’s arrow/she hath diane’s will’, and the teacher was taking this to mean Rosaline was a Super Lesbian who was breaking the law or something and running away with her lover Diane, which would be a rad storyline, sure, but like…I’m just raising my hand like “Um Ma’am, Diana is the Roman goddess of chastity. What Romeo meant is that she told him she’s sworn off love and is probably becoming a nun?” and this woman just got. So angry. Like, excuse me, you are a student, you’re here to learn, so you clearly don’t know anything about this (I read Romeo and Juliet for the first time in like preschool whoops). Anyway, she continues on making up her own plot to the play, and I…well I was basically Hermione Fucking Granger at this point I couldn’t just sit there and listen to someone be this wrong about something omfg??? She just got angrier and angrier and stopped calling on me after a while.

So for a couple lessons I’m just left to seethe quietly, but one day after class this girl I knew since grade school came up to me and was like “Could you…? Tell me what the hell we’re supposed to be learning?” and I didn’t even like her but I liked the validation of being someone’s Chosen Teacher so I wrote out a summary for her of everything we had covered so far so she could actually write a comprehendible essay for our homework that night.

But THEN the during the class when we got our essays back, she made a HUGE DEAL, like ‘oh Molly, it wasn’t bad enough that you’ve been failing this course material, now you have to drag your friends into it by trying to re-write the play?’ (l m a o). Like this bitch had literally tried to fight me on ‘Paris is the guy Juliet’s father wants her to marry’ and she didn’t even put a grade on my essay where I said the play only ended in tragedy because of how young and naïve the kids were, that if they had taken a breather and thought things through it probably would’ve been fine (it was a damn good essay and I stand by it). But anyway, she’s trying to make me out to my classmate’s as someone who’s trying to sabotage their education for laughs.

This backfired on her.

See, it dawned on people one by one, that she was only teaching the wrong material -> so they wouldn’t know the right material -> so when they eventually would take the exams they would only have her crazy answers -> which the third party graders wouldn’t know about -> everyone fails this course that’s like half the overall grade of the year.

Most students consider that a problem.

So suddenly the class has decided I’m the fucking Shakespeare Whisperer or something, and one by one start begging me for help. At first I was confused, because as I said, it’s so easy for me that I didn’t realize literally the entire class was lost out of their asses here. omfg. So I was really getting hassled here but I didn’t want my entire class to fail you know???? So I started meeting with people during study halls or texting them after school so they knew what was going on. And then they started telling people in this teacher’s other classes, including upperclassmen who were lost as fuck, so this was quickly spiraling out of control on my end, but overall people were really starting to understand the plays better!! So I was feeling really great.

But then, the teacher noticed that none of the homework getting handed in to her matched up with her crazy translations, and knew I was the sole person to blame (naturally). She literally tried to get me suspended over this, she went to the school’s disciplinarian!

Note: This guy, Mr. C, knew I was a God damn angel- my science class was off the charts, inappropriately awful, so every time one of our science teacher’s wanted to give the entire class detention, instead of calling Mr. C up to the class room as was the rule, they’d send me down to get him so he’d know to write up every student except for me. So when my English teacher dragged me in there he was looking her like “What on Earth could this girl have possibly done to piss you off?” 😂😂

And when she explained he looked at her for a very long moment, glanced at me with a signature ‘Office’ Reaction Face™ , turned back to her and was like “You want her suspended…for starting a study group?” and I was CHOKING.

So that really pissed her off and they started fighting and this was a very overworked and Done man so at some point he gave up and was like “I’m not suspending her but fine we can put a ban on the study group if you leave my office” omfg. So all the other students get notified and now they’re back to freaking out about the upcoming exams.

So like two days later, I’m at lunch, complaining about this to one of my friends who had a different English teacher and thus no problem, and I’m on this whole angry rant (Because I’m pissed, a bunch of kid’s grades are gonna get fucked up because of this! They just wanted to do well! I just wanted to help them!) and my friends staring at me quietly the whole time and when I finish I’m like “What?” and she’s just like “…Molly did you literally start up Dumbledore’s Army in our fucking school?” and I died on scene.

But then I started thinking about the comparison and I was like? You know fucking what? If Harry Potter can get those kids to pass their fucking DADA test I can help kids pass their fucking English Exam. Bring it the fuck on, Umbridge.

So I started Spreading The Word that anyone who needs help with their Shakespeare course can still get help, we just all need to meet up once to hash out the details. After some back and forth notes and deliberations, we ended up meeting in the school library, which was hilarious for a few reasons:

1) It was directly across the hall from this teacher’s classroom.

2) It was actually a converted janitors closet, way smaller than all the other classrooms, and there were like 50 people shoved in there; Not exactly an ideal Room of Requirement

3) The library carried no Shakespeare texts, but had the entire Harry Potter series on display to see when you first walked in

But anyway, despite the fact that we were literally three feet away from her door while we were doing this, our teacher was none the wiser of the meeting. We worked out a game plan- everyone writes out bullshit essays that align with what the teacher’s expecting. After she grades those and gives them back, they get them to me- slipping them in my locker, handing it to me discreetly in the halls or in another class, what have you. I then try to power through the dizzying amount of confusion radiating out of the teacher’s mouth and onto these papers, and more or less write out better translation of what was going on in whatever scene they covered, what the highlights they needed to know were, stuff like that, and then slip it back to them in similar discreet fashion (so the teacher/disciplinarian wouldn’t see me and get suspicious ; also because I was like 15 and wanted to feel like a super cool secret agent). They would then keep my copies and use them as study guides for the upcoming exams, where they would then answer all the questions correctly, the way the third party graders would mark correctly, and pass the exams + the bullshit essays would get them high marks in the teacher’s homework grades. The teacher never caught on to what was happening, just thought her students finally started paying attention to her.

All in all, it was a complicated mess, but it fucking worked. I don’t think anyone failed their exams that year. Will I ever be cooler? No. I think I fucking peaked when I was 15.

SKAM S04E09 Clip 5 - Maghrib

SANA: Please accept my fast, even though I’ve behaved badly. Please watch over Eva and Vilde and Noora, Chris. Please watch over Isak and Even and Elias and Yousef.

[VILDE: Hi, are you ready to meet up?

EVA: Sana! Chris and I will pick you up with the van in 20 minutes.

SANA: Ok cool

SANA: I regret cancelling the date with Yousef

NOORA: YEEES! Call him! Go!

EVA: Do it girl!! Life is NOW!!

SANA: According to Islam, life is after death. Which is one of the reasons why I should stay away from him

CHRIS: According to me, the abdomen is dead after death. Which is one of the reasons why you should meet him!!

VILDE: Yousef! Yousef! Yousef!

SANA: Hahaha I get why mom is worried that I don’t have any Muslim friends

NOORA: Hello! OK!! I can argue from an Islamic perspective

SANA: Now I’m intrigued

NOORA: Ok, doesn’t Islam believe in destiny?

Keep reading

Hot Off The Press

Another AU where Jacky-Boy is a hockey player and Bitty has a job that involves hockey bc that’s my aesthetic. Anyway, I really know nothing about how the world of sports journalism works so there is probably some inaccuracies in here, but it’s an AU so who cares. Artistic license and all that. Very slightly NSFW (i just wanted to get all the warnings out there). 

***

“Are you into men?”

Jack has been asked this question before, but in such a subtle way (and typically involving Parson) that it’s easy to avoid. No reporter has ever straight out asked him. Besides, he’s not gay. He’s bisexual. So when Jack usually tells them, “No.” it’s not a lie. However, this time it feels different. Maybe it wasn’t just this particular time, but all the times added onto each other that’s finally causing him to really think about what hole he’s digging himself into.

The blunt question has him feeling panicky and the other presser notice his reaction too. Jack can’t say no, because that’s not true. He is into men. Jack’s panic quickly shifts, and now he just feels like shoving the microphones away and storming out, because this is hockey goddammit. Not E! news.

“Excuse me?” Jack clears his throat, trying to buy himself some time to think of a properly crafted response. Over the years, he’s developed a talent for that.

But everything is on overdrive and he feels his breath start to quicken again–

“Are you into men?” Another reporter asks, and it takes Jack a moment to realize that the reporter isn’t asking him. He’s asking the man who popped the question in the first place.

 All attention, including Jack’s, turns to the small blonde that got lost in the bundle of people. He holds up his mic towards the reporter who popped the question in the first place. 

Keep reading

nyxshadowz  asked:

I kinda get why Underverse can't have a crossover with Glitchtale.... Because the fact that Chara and Sans are gone (Sans still inside Akumu 😑) If Cross!Chara goes there, Asriel's reaction will be: 😱😱😱 but Chara never changed. And if UT, US, and UF, and Ink(maybe) Sans goes there just to stop Cross!Chara and demn Nightmare, Everyone will have their jaws dropped for seeing so many Sans(alive). But the Characters in Glitchtale already knows that Sans is gone. (wow i explained all dis)

Well, I’m ok with people’s different points of view about their theories with Underverse and Glitchtale possible encounters or whatev. You are free to create crossovers and stuff with them, but, if we are talking about a canon or logic reason, I’ll give my point of view about this:

(warning: probably you’ll find some bad english because I’m so tired and I can’t type and think properly) 


In Undertale, the original/canon universe or whatever you want to call it, has 3 three main timelines: Neutral, Pacifist and Genocide, right?


But, there are also variations of choices the Player did during their adventures, before, during or after falling to the underworld. We could call those choices like Alternate Timelines, because those choices could change the course of the story in some way.


The Player is not the only one to be able to take a decision and create an Alternate Timeline, other characters would be able to change something, and also that could create another Alternate Timeline.

That means that only the Undertale universe became a huuuuugeee place with any kind of Alternate Timelines because of choices that characters did, including big choices, or small choices.
For example, the “Pacifist” Timeline of Undertale in Underverse is not the real one, is just variation of the original because there was some choices taken before that don’t follow some events from the original route (spoileeeerrs)

The same thing happens with Glitchtale. Frisk broke the reset button, Asriel and Gaster are with them, Bette Noire was released…. all those choices affected the entire timeline, and as @camilaart​​ said, this Timeline is very damaged that is closed from inside. No one from outside can go there.

And probably, Glitchtale is not the only Alternate Timeline (AT) in this situation.

 All of this explanation is about Undertale.


Now, imagine the same, with the Alternate Universes.
Variations of the original Universe where the story or characters are changed, and those Alternate Universes have their only Main Timelines and Alternate Timelines. 

(So much universes and timelines, isn’t it?that’s what I love about this fandom holy shoes)


Following the rules of this theory, some people could consider an AU that has the same story like an AT, but that only depends the changes that are in the story. For example, Outertale (by @2mil127) can be considered as an AU, because the story and characters are the same like in the original game or universe (Undertale) but the thing that makes it an Alternate Universe and not an Alternate Timeline, is that Outertale unfolds in SPAAAACCEEEEE, weeeeeeee!!

(At least that’s my point of view about the AU’s that have the same story but are set in other ambiences.)

Now, let’s go to XTale and Underverse.

In Xtale, the same would happen, about the timelines and alternate timelines- BUT - Xgaster never wanted to have “choices” and “possibilites” in his Universe because of mistakes that happened in his story he could create thanks to Ink. So, that’s why he used his creator ability (a.k.a overwrite) to “evolve” the main story and create the perfect Alternate Universe without timelines and stuff.

That was supposed to be the 10th overwritten timeline. But it actually was the end of XTale cuz wow such a good idea giving some power to somebody who hate meh because of my actions (more spoilers coming soon)

The perfect creation of the tall guy was his experiment. The X-Event that Cross tried to stop sealing into his body.

Nao, the poor skeleguy, without a home, without an universe where to live, decide to use the experiment’s ability to take the best of the other AUs in order to rebuild his beloved timeline number 10 and pretend that nothing happened there. That could bring consequences tho.

He could take any code, no matter which kind of timeline or alternate timeline, but Nightmare who was the first one to appear, his target became the Pacifist Timelines, the main ones or variations that could be the same as the originals from each Alternate Universe.

So the conclusion is: Cross can’t get to Glitchtale because there are soooo many Alternate Timelines per Universe as well as it’s impossible to enter to a damaged/corrupted place like that one.

Also, Betty is doing an amazing job there, why even bother?

Fin.

Scavenger Hunt

Stiles/Derek, T, 2500 words, Meet Cute AU

Written for the following prompt:

“i picked up your bag at the airport but i can’t find your number so i’m about to embark on the largest scavenger hunt of all time by using your strange belongings to track you down” au

“Honey, I’m home!” Stiles calls out as he wrestles his roll bag over their entry mat.

“That’s still not funny,” Scott says, without looking up from his textbook.

“Once again, we disagree.”

Scott snorts. “How was the trip?”

“Fine,” he says, plopping down right in the middle of the living room to start unpacking. “Typical conference. Some sessions were actually interesting, most were boring as shit.”

Scott hums, already absorbed again in his reading. Stiles reaches for the zipper on his suitcase but then freezes—this is definitely the same brand as his suitcase, but he doesn’t remember this extra zippered pocket on the top.

“Oh, shit.”

“What?”

Stiles grimaces. “I’m pretty sure this isn’t my suitcase. Goddamn it.”

Scott finally looks up, frowning. “Shit, really? How’d you manage that?”

“It was a redeye,” Stiles says, running a hand through his hair. “I was exhausted, in fucking LaGuardia, and I was just trying to get out of there as fast as humanly possible.”

“Is there a name on it? Are you sure it’s not yours?”

“Pretty sure,” Stiles says, feeling around the sides for the pocket. He sighs when he pulls out the little card and sees that it’s blank. “Motherfucker. This is definitely not my suitcase because I’m actually smart enough to put my name on it.”

“Sorry, man,” Scott says sympathetically as Stiles falls back on the rug with an anguished groan.

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“Open it,” Scott suggests. “Maybe there’s something with their name on it.”

Stiles fiddles with the zipper. He’s nosy as hell, in general, and normally he’d be jumping at the chance to rifle through someone else’s personal belongings. But… 

“What if there’s like, dead bodies in there or something?” he asks, and Scott just stares at him for a second. Stiles rolls his eyes—that’s a perfectly valid concern. Or maybe he watches too many police procedurals, whatever. “Okay, fine.”

Stiles holds his breath as he slowly unzips the suitcase, but nothing happens when he lets the top part flop back onto their crappy, threadbare rug. There’s a Dodgers hat on top, and Stiles grimaces. “Well, they have shitty taste in baseball teams.”

He sets the hat carefully aside and keeps digging. The person is neat, whoever they are, because everything is folded, and all the dirty clothes are even all contained in their own zippered bag. At first glance, there’s nothing too out of the ordinary—phone charger, American Gods, Calvin Klein briefs. Fancy, he thinks. There’s a monogrammed leather toiletry bag (DSH, he commits those initials to memory), and he pokes through it.

“I’m gonna make an educated guess that it’s a guy.”

“Why’s that?” Scott says, finally looking somewhat interested in this mystery.

Stiles holds up an electric razor. “And that he’s maybe not totally straight,” he says, brandishing a little bottle of lube that’s about three-quarters full.

Scott rolls his eyes. “Lots of people use lube.”

“Yeah, but do you travel with it?” Stiles counters, and Scott sighs.

“No,” he admits. “Did you find anything with his actual name on it?”

“Not yet,” Stiles says absently. He continues to rifle through the bag until he’s pretty sure he has his plan of attack. “Okay. I’m gonna find out who it is,” he says with a determined nod, and Scott frowns.

“How? This is New York City! There are literally millions of dudes here.”

“It’ll be like a real-life scavenger hunt,” Stiles says dreamily, ignoring Scott as he carefully lays his three chosen items out on the coffee table. “This is awesome.”

Keep reading

@thunderboltsortofapenny said: No no let’s do this! Why would steve need to be fake married. Or why would bucky need to be fake married to Steve. We need a reason. #Viper do the thing #It’ll be fun!

So I did the thing, and it’s stupid and terrible, but here, have it:


Bucky’s an EMT. Normal guy, just living his life, trying to help where he can. And then one day, all of a sudden, the aliens are invading NYC, and Bucky’s out there helping, right in the middle of the danger zone because of course he is.

There’s a fight going on, and a bunch of freaks in weird suits seem to be fighting the aliens, but Bucky doesn’t have much time to focus on anything other than all the people in dire need of medical attention. He does what he can to help, grabs the first metal bar he can find and fights only the aliens getting in his way, and works himself to exhaustion. Then there’s a blast, and it sends a man flying right into the wall next to him.

“Hey, you okay?” Bucky asks, rushing to help him, and though Bucky could’ve sworn the blow was hard enough to crush anyone’s ribs, he’s surprised to see the man–who must’ve been on his way to a costume party–stand up practically unscathed.

He’s got broad shoulders and a strong jaw and eyes of the prettiest shade of blue Bucky’s ever seen, and even with his face covered in soot and grime and blood, Bucky’s heart skips a beat.

For a few seconds the man seems a bit disoriented, then he finally registers Bucky’s presence. “What are you doing here?? Get out of the streets!”

“I was–” Bucky starts, and is cut off by an explosion right above their heads and a bunch of debris raining down on them, and a hand shoving him aside.

When he comes to, which is a surprise in itself, the dust has started to clear, and the man who’s clearly saved his life is carrying him as if he weighed nothing, concern in those beautiful eyes and a big, warm hand pressed tenderly against Bucky’s neck, checking for a pulse.

He locks eyes with Bucky and sighs in relief, the hint of a smile on his plush lips, but the hand remains where it is. “Hi,” he says. “You all right?”

“Y-yeah… Thank you,” Bucky replies, but he doesn’t move to free himself of the man’s arms. His stomach is doing something weird, and the man surely has other people to rescue, but for a few seconds they both just stay there, shell-shocked and staring at each other like the world around them has stopped.

Then something blows up nearby, and the spell is broken.

Carefully, the man helps him to his feet, makes sure Bucky’s in one piece, and then says, “Find shelter, okay? Stay inside.”

Bucky’s not planning to, but he can’t find it in him to tell that to this incredible man, so he slowly licks his lips and nods. Before turning around to leave, the man offers him a small, shy smile.

- - - - -

During the next few weeks after the Chitauri attack on NYC, every single piece of footage of the Avengers fighting against the aliens and helping civilians goes viral. Phone videos, security cameras, blurry pics.

The most popular, by far, is a snapshot of Captain America carrying a guy, who can be seen fighting aliens and helping people in other videos, bridal style, thumb caressing his jaw, and both looking like lovestruck teenagers.

Bucky can’t go to the grocery store or even do his job without being stalked by the paparazzi or Cap’s groupies or just random people wanting to know what his Avenger name is, and for how long he’s been dating Captain America.

- - - - -

“You’ve ruined my life!!” Bucky tells him, because of course, of course Captain America would pick Bucky’s park for his morning run. Of course Bucky’d slip on wet leaves on the pavement precisely this morning, and of fucking course Captain America would just happen to be around to catch him at just the right time. Bucky’s seeing red.

“I’m sorry,” Captain America says, and it’s extremely unfair just how genuine and how much like a kicked puppy he looks.

Christ, Bucky wants to punch him.

- - - - -

Steve’s been living in PR hell.

He’s spent the past weeks “saving” girls and boys alike from getting hit by a bicycle, or fainting, or a fuckton of equally stupid shit.

The second anyone spots Captain America, there’ll suddenly be some kind of dangerous situation going down, and someone hoping Cap will carry them bridal style to safety and maybe fall head over heels in love with them in the process.

Steve is tired and done and ready to get back in the ice for another few decades, and shares Pepper’s worries that someone might actually put themself in real danger soon.

“We should handle this before it gets worse,” Nat says. And Steve agrees, of course, but he just doesn’t know how.

“Just marry the guy,” Clint suggests.

Steve almost chokes to death on his own spit.

“WHAT?”

Clint shrugs. “Why not? Half the world already thinks you’re dating…”

“Clint, he hates me…”

“Only cause people keep pestering him about this. If you two get married it’ll be a circus, but then it’ll blow over. He can’t even do his job right now, right? So you pay the guy for the trouble, yadda yadda, then when this is over you two get a quick divorce, and that’s it. Problem solved.”

For two minutes, no one else opens their mouth. Then:

“He’s got a point…”

“Tony, no,” Steve whines.

“You saw the footage, how he was helping those civilians… If you have to marry someone, he’s not a bad candidate,” Nat says, and then smirks. “Plus, he’s cute.”

Steve already knows he’s lost this battle, but that doesn’t help him feel any better about this. Yes, he’s cute. Yes, he’s a brave and kind and smart guy. Yes, Steve could very easily pretend to be married to him for a while and yes it’d help them both. None of that’s the problem.

The problem is that he kind of really likes the guy.

The problem is that the guy hates him.

This is a really, really bad idea.

Steven’s Mental Health in Season 4...

…and why he didn’t save the Rubies, unbubble Bismuth, or confront his feelings about Jasper.

Because there is a reason, brought to light by the events of I Am My Mom, and it fits rather well with Steven’s character as of late.

Throughout Mindful, he doesn’t want to think about what he’s gone through because his personal trauma from it is just too great. But then it all comes crashing down at the end, and he forces himself to confront it, right?

Well no, actually. At the end of the episode, Stevonnie just lands in the field and smiles at the sky. At the time, I criticized this for being a quick resolution, but now I realize that that was never a resolution at all: It was just Steven burying his emotional problems even deeper so that not even Stevonnie could be affected by them.

That’s why he doesn’t immediately go to make amends with Bismuth or Jasper or Eyeball: The traumatic stress he associates with their encounters override any sense of empathy he has towards them, and he subconsciously tries to forget so he doesn’t feel that guilt and can just go back to the way things were before (much like a certain singing Diamond he’s heard so much about…)

I think that once Steven’s mental state improves, he’ll consciously try to make amends.

Take a look at the next time Steven’s issues came to a boil, Steven’s Dream: This time, all it takes is a simple question from Steven and a panicked outburst from Garnet to drive Steven into an angry rant about “everyone lying” to him. The problems from Mindful were still eating away at Steven, he probably just didn’t realize it because he was pretty much avoiding those thoughts altogether, and for a while, it was working.

So, Steven goes to Korea, Greg gets kidnapped, and now Steven has a whole new set of things to be guilty over. No matter how justified his actions might have been, Steven’s biggest character flaw is his guilt complex, so he inherently feels responsibility for what happened. (And this isn’t recent, we saw a glimpse of it in Message Received when he blamed himself for Peridot’s supposed betrayal)

However, in the episode Steven’s just too busy worrying about his dad to hear “Oh Steven we’re so sorry” and he rushes them into space. They run into the Rubies and Steven does say “We’ll pick them up on the way back” but pay attention to his tone of voice: It doesn’t sound like he’s saying “Oh no they’re out here we have to save them,” he’s saying “Yeah yeah those guys yeah let’s get back to work and save dad okay” because Steven wasn’t exactly in the best emotional state at the time. I can completely understand his subconscious just NOT wanting to think about the Rubies at all because the events of Bubbled leaving a lingering negative connotation.

After Steven gets back, he’s forced to confront his demons yet again in Storm in the Room, but hey! Everything’s fine in the end because Greg got pizza and it’s all smiles…

Until we get to Lion 4 and he’s right back in the thick of an existential crisis. Sure, he gets a talk with Greg and this is resolved in the end…but is it?

Because by the end of that very week, Steven is giving himself up to be executed in his mother’s place. And all it took was a small mistake he made long ago, and a scenario in which there were no other immediate options.

So, to answer the question of why Steven supposedly let others suffer throughout season 4, it’s because he is suffering himself. He’s been wallowing in it all season, and he hasn’t done anything substantial about it because in his mind that’ll just make things worse and make himself a burden to others. I mean, look at what happened every time his true feelings rose to the surface:

- Mindful Education: Connie almost fell to her death.

- Steven’s Dream: Greg got kidnapped.

These were things that were resolved in the immediate, sure, but long-term? Steven doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, and he’s been indirectly led to believe that by confronting his problems, he’ll just cause others harm.

So we get to I Am My Mom, and he’s given a way out: Sure, he *thinks* he’s doing it to save the Earth and his friends, but subconsciously he’s doing it because it’s his ticket out of the mess he’s been stuck living in for the past four seasons.

The takeaway I get from Season 4 is that Steven’s emotional issues are much bigger than anyone could suspect, and that a million “Sorry’s,” “It’s not your fault’s,” fusion therapy sessions, and sweet words & smiles can only help him so far.

This isn’t the season of Steven letting people suffer for no reason; It’s the season of Steven suffering himself without anyone taking enough notice to do anything, to the point where he inadvertently lets people suffer out of his own desire to not make things worse.

“Don’t worry,” Greg & the Gems probably told themselves after Bubbled, Mindful Education, and the Zoo arc, “Steven’s fine now. See? He’s happy, he must be fine. We told him it was alright, he must be fine. If there was something wrong, we would know about it. He’s doing fine.”

Well he wasn’t.

Thoughts on OITNB Season 5

The Good:

  • This season was a lot of fun. I never felt bored, and the pacing was just right. They made roughly four days (I think?) last 13 episodes, but I don’t feel as though anything was dragged out.
  • Red on speed was fucking hilarious. So many great lines out of her this season. “In Russia, we don’t have proverbs. We have vodka and misery.”
  • Young Red back story!
  • Soso’s memorial to Poussey.
  • The subtle social commentary/anti-gun message in the premiere, where every time someone asked/talked about the gunfire a different American mass shooting was referenced. Needless to say, there was a lot.
  • Taystee taking the fucking microphone from Judy King. 
  • Taystee repeating Poussey’s name over and over. Punching Caputo in the face for not doing so. A+
  • Taystee as a whole was pretty amazing this season, even if she eventually screwed everything up.
  • Linda becoming Boo’s girlfriend for five minutes but then ultimately getting completely fucked over.
  • Piper and Alex sticking mostly to mundane couple issues. Nothing hugely earth-shattering between the two of them. I was sick of the constant forced drama.
  • I feel like Piper made actual progress with her mother, and the fact that particular conversation lead to her impromptu proposal was awesome.
  • Nicky was clean, hilarious, and hot as hell. Couldn’t get enough of her this season, and loved seeing the real depths of her feelings for Lorna. The brief role reversal with her and Red was a fun trip as well.
  • Red and Blanca friendship was an unexpected treat.
  • FRIEDA
  • I could not love Gloria Mendoza more if I tried.
  • Alison was fleshed out, and I’m really starting to love her as a character.
  • Piper being a Slytherin, headcanon confirmed. 
  • Caputo being a badass in his negotiations with Fig. 
  • Chang peacing out. 
  • Ending the season with The Cinematic Orchestra’s “To Build a Home” – a better song choice doesn’t exist. I have always associated that song with this show. Bravo. The last five minutes gave me chills.
  • Cindy singing Suzanne to sleep, then later Cindy hugging Suzanne, apologizing, crying. I loved it.

The Bad:

  • I feel like the overall message with Suzanne was scattered and poorly handled, and while Uzo did an amazing job with what she was given, I feel like the writing wasn’t necessarily realistic in that it hasn’t been tackled what exactly Suzanne’s mental illness is, purely so the writers can twist her symptoms to fit the plot.
  • Unlike most people I’m not mad about the Piscatella back-story, but it felt incomplete to me. I feel like there is not enough explanation there. What happened to Wes? It seemed like given some of what Piscatella said that there must have been some kind of betrayal there. Given that he’s dead, we’ll probably never find out, but I just felt like there were pieces missing to his story.
  • I feel like Daya fell flat this season. Her characterization was all over the place until she gave herself up and quietly disappeared. 
  • Vinnie and Lorna are, as always, the cringiest. I guess that’s sort of the point, though.
  • I’m not sure what they were trying to do with the Nazis/Sankey? I don’t know if they were trying to endear us to them, but it felt…weird. Like their racism was purely situational and just seemed to disappear when it was convenient. I feel uncomfortable that they were played in a way that I wanted to like them, then felt horrified because Jesus, they’re FUCKING NAZIS
  • Black Lattes Matter would never be a meme
  • Sophia disappearing halfway through the season. Seriously? Her helping in medical was awesome. I would’ve loved to have seen more of that.

The Ugly:

  • Coates x Pennsatucky makes my fucking skin crawl. How can this be a thing? Why is this a thing? WHY IS SHE PAIRED WITH HER RAPIST AND WHY IS IT PORTRAYED AS CUTE?
  • The general rapeyness of how most of the male hostages were treated, mainly Stratman, Josh, and Luschyek. It dehumanized a lot of the girls for me and made me really uncomfortable.
  • Adding onto that: Angie and Leanne have become way too much. “I’ve raped guys before, and I could tell that was genuine.” What the fuck? Why did this need to be in there? I don’t understand how we are ever supposed to have any sympathy for these two ever again. Which is a shame with Leanne, because she has one of the more interesting back stories on the show.
  • Watching the guy who raped Wes Driscoll get burned alive was something I could’ve done without seeing. Hearing his screams would’ve been enough to get the point across.
  • Humps was creepy when he was alive, creepy when he was dying, and creepy upon death. Not sad to see him go. 
  • Piscatella torturing Red in front of her girls…Alex’s arm getting snapped…that whole episode was amazingly handled, but it was still really difficult to watch.
  • Caputo getting trapped in the POO for so long was really gross and disturbing. The man was literally locked in a piss/shit/puke filled porta-potty for days in what I’m pretty sure is summer or early autumn. 
  • Seriously, all of those guards are going to be permanently traumatized. What they were put through is sick.

TL;DR: This has been one of my favorite seasons yet, fun and brilliant, even if there’s an unfortunate amount of it I desperately wish I could un-see, and I feel some of it should have been handled differently. 

ifeelbetterer  asked:

Gotg prompt: how did Rocket learn to speak Groot?

“Repeat after me, Quill: I am Groot.”

“I am Groot,” Peter said dutifully. He felt like an idiot, but there were only a limited number of ways to while away quiet nights on the ship when neither of them could sleep. If it was him and Gamora, or him and Drax, they could spar, but he’d only tried sparring with Rocket once. It took weeks for the bite marks to heal.

Rocket’s oddly expressive – for a raccoon – face wrinkled in an expression of disgust. “Do you even hear yourself? That is nothing like what I just said.”

“Dude, that is exactly what you just said.”

“No, I said ‘I am Groot’ and you said ‘I am Groot’.”

“Which is … the same?”

Rocket stared at him for a long moment, then pointed at his snout. “Read my lips: I am Groot.”

“Was I supposed to repeat that, or …”

Rocket showed some teeth. Peter shut up. There was a moment of silence and Peter was just about to put his earbuds back in and quit with the language lessons when Rocket said suddenly, “Quill, if I say, 'I am Groot,’ just like that, what do you hear?”

“Is this a trick question? Especially the kind of trick question that’s gonna end in you pissing on my bed?”

“That was only once, and you had it coming –”

“Rocket –”

“No, for the love o’ cheese, it’s not a trick question. Just say 'I am Groot’.”

“I am Groot,” Peter said. “I feel like a complete jackass right now, in case that was your intent – hey, where are you going?”

“Jus’ need to get a thing!” Rocket’s voice trailed behind him.

Peter flopped back down in the chair in the mess and put his earbuds in. He was actually getting sleepy, and considering going back to bed, when Rocket jumped up onto the table in front of him with something clutched in his paws.

“What’s that?” Peter asked, sitting up. He palmed off the Zune and took off the earpieces. He had to hand it to Earth tech: the new music player was a lot more convenient to carry around than his late, lamented Walkman.

Rocket’s device was a thin, flat screen about the size of a hardback book; he had it clutched with a paw on each side while readouts rippled quickly across it.

“Okay, now say 'I am Groot’,” Rocket declared, studying the screen.

“Come on, man, do we really have to go through this again?”

“Humor me.”

Peter sighed and slouched in his chair. “I am Groot.”

Rocket’s ears pricked forward. “I am Groot,” he said, and tapped the display with his paw, causing the tiny, scrolling lines and numbers to freeze. “Did that sound the same to you?”

“Well … yeah?”

The flat pads of Rocket’s fingers danced across the display, and he laid the screen on the table between them. “Know what you’re lookin’ at?”

“Squiggly lines,” Peter said automatically.

“Did your mama drop you on the head a lot as a baby, Quill?”

“No, but Yondu did occasionally.” Peter rested his elbow on the table and his chin in his hand. As much fun as it was to mess with Rocket, he did actually think he knew what the raccoon was getting at. “That wiggly line is some kind of … uh … noise – wiggle – curve, right?”

“That’s real precise.”

“I was abducted from Earth before we got to algebra in school. Cut me some slack here.”

“Excuses, excuses. I was raised in a cage and my mother had an IQ of 3.” Rocket touched the display, zooming in on it. “Point is, I don’t think it’s just that all a’ you two-legged bunch is too obtuse to understand perfectly clear speech –”

“Thanks.”

“– like I used to think. It’s more like, my ears hear at higher and lower frequencies than yours do, so I get different overtones. Put simply for the simple, I can hear things you can’t.”

Peter leaned forward, intrigued. “So, wait – you mean all this time, all his 'I am Groot’s sound different to you?”

He realized what he’d said as soon as the words left his mouth, and got the flat 'I am dealing with morons’ look from Rocket that he’d instantly realized he had coming. “How am I supposed to understand him if they don’t, Quill, I ask you?”

“Okay – point – but … so why does it sound like 'I am Groot’ to the rest of us?”

“It sounds like 'I am Groot’ to me too.” When Peter glowered at him, Rocket held up a paw. “No, I ain’t messin’ with ya. This time. No, that’s what the translation unit picks up, 'cause it ain’t so smart about some of the less humanoid languages. It’s just, I hear it like …” He hesitated and waggled his paw. “It’s like your music, right? All those up and down tones at the same time. Groot can do that. Your throat, my throat, can’t.”

“Singing?” Peter said after a minute. “Groot’s singing?”

“I refer you back to the part about bein’ dropped on your head.” Rocket pursed his lips and let out a sharp whistle, making Peter jump – there was still some part of him that couldn’t quite hear whistling and not expect a death arrow to follow an instant later. And he might not be the only one, because Rocket stopped abruptly, closed his mouth, and then said, “Quill, do this,” and hummed softly.

It wasn’t really a tune. “You just want me to hum?” Peter asked. “Like, generic humming?”

Rocket curled his lip and the hum became more of a snarl.

“Right, humming,” Peter said hastily.

The funny thing was, the instant his soft hum of response hit the right harmonics with the note Rocket was humming (and the raccoon did have a good sense of pitch; Peter had always suspected so) he understood exactly what Rocket was getting at.

“Ohhhhh. When Groot talks, it’s like a symphony. Is that what you mean? And the 'I am Groot’ part is the part in the human audible range.”

Rocket’s ears and tail went up cheerfully. “Yeah, ezzactly. He’s tryin’ to communicate, it’s just he didn’t get any farther than 'I am Groot’ when he was learning. It’s as hard for him to do the talkin’ part for the translators as it is for you and me to do his kind of talk. He can hear us just fine, though. Actually to him, understanding our talk is dead easy.”

“So how do we understand him?” Peter asked. “Can you, I dunno, juice up the translator so it picks up a higher range of frequencies, or something?”

“I dunno. That’s not a bad idea.” Rocket tapped his claw against his teeth before picking up the screen thing and hopping off the table. “Have to think on it. Don’t wanna explode your heads or anything.”

“Yeah, well, on that lovely note, I’m goin’ to bed.” He actually was tired enough now to fall asleep in spite of the inevitable nightmares (the bitter cold and darkness of space; Ego’s face dissolving in his hands; his friends crushed by rocks or blown apart). The music helped as it always had, a melodic bulwark against the dark, wrapped gently around his heart – but it could only do so much.

Rocket grunted absently as he trotted off, already engrossed in figuring out the problem.

The thought occurred to Peter as he wandered back to his quarters, thumbing idly through the songs on the Zune, that these sorts of mechanical puzzles served the same purpose for Rocket as his music did for him: something to make his mind go quiet.

The music did that … and so did letting Gamora beat the stuffing out of him in the ship’s small exercise area. Or getting language lessons from Rocket. Or –

“I am Groot?”

Peter jumped as small hands grabbed hold of his pants leg. Groot shimmied quickly up to perch on his shoulder.

“Hey, little buddy.” Peter opened the door to his quarters and left it open so Groot could come and go as he wanted. Or so he could hear if anybody got into a fight or whatever. He flopped wearily on his unmade bed, careful not to dislodge Groot. “You know, I’m not sure how much of this you can understand right now, but Rocket’s teaching me to speak your language.”

“I am Groot?”

“Well, to understand you more than speak it, I guess I should say.” He was lying on his back now and he couldn’t really see Groot except out of the corner of his eye, but he could feel the little tree shifting around in the hollow where the collar of his sweatshirt rested against his neck.

“I am Groot,” Groot said insistently, almost in his ear. Small hands patted at the side of his face and his earlobe.

“Yeah, yeah.” Peter pinched one earbud between two fingers and held it where Groot could get at it. The little hands took it out of his fingers. Peter settled himself comfortably as Groot squirmed somewhat ticklishly against his neck, and sorted through the songs. “How 'bout Elton John tonight, buddy?”

“I am Groot,” came the sleepy answer.

“You know, little guy,” Peter murmured, as the first strains of the music began to play and Groot snuggled comfortably against his neck, “whether or not Rocket can get his new gadget working, I think we understand each other just fine, don’t we?”

“I am Groot!”

So one thing i’ve noticed about Shiro that i totally and absolutely adore for several reasons (one of them being that it lines up with my hc that Shiro would be an epic Cedric Diggory type hufflepuff in an hp au) is that Shiro is not an OVERprotective type.

Lemme explain why this is good and how.

We know that Shiro is protective of those he loves, I’m not saying he isn’t protective (AHEM STEPPING IN FOR MATT) but what i am saying is that Shiro isn’t SO protective that he belittles the strength and abilities of the people he cares about; which is a trait too often glorified in heroes, especially concerning the male hero to the female. 

Exhibit A) S01E10. Allura says that she’s going with them to break into the space base and everyone’s looking at Shiro like “dude you can’t let the princess join us on a such a dangerous mission”

and Shiro’s just like “sure, why not?”

while everyone else reacts like this:

Obviously, because of genre expectations, we would expect Shiro to say something along the lines of “no way we can’t endanger the princess like that” so it comes as a bit of a surprise, a good one of course, when instead of insisting Allura can’t come that he has no issues with it. He doesn’t even look conflicted, he has no idea why Allura shouldn’t be allowed to come! That’s because our little cinnamon role knows what’s up and he understands that Allura is strong, capable woman. At the very least he knows that he has no good reason to assume otherwise (even though there’s some pretty funny scenes once they’re in the base and Allura doesn’t even know how to hold a gun). But you get my point.

To summarize Exhibit A: This scene is a VERY REFRESHING change from the standard “i must protect the princess, the princess is incapable of protecting herself, which means i’m the only one allowed to do dangerous things” narrative. Shiro does not judge a person’s adequacy based on unfounded preconceptions. This is a SUPER important quality in a leader. Also, this means he isn’t sexist. 

Exhibit B) S02E12. 

Keith offers to be the one to go into the ship to make sure what was supposed to be Thace’s job gets done. Kolivan says it’s a suicide mission and that he would never command anyone so inexperienced do it when Keith replies:

And of course Shiro, being the head of Voltron, is the next person who would have a say in this - who should be the one to talk Keith down. But he doesn’t. Instead he says this:

This demonstrates that Shiro, understanding who Keith is, knows that there is no stopping Keith which means the best thing for Shiro to do is make sure Keith gets to the ship safely. 

This is very similar to what he did with Allura. He doesn’t stop her from going on the mission, but insists he goes with her (i didn’t touch on that above but we know that happened).

So let’s just talk about what this means for a second. Shiro cares about Keith. We know he’s totally worried about Keith’s safety because he LITERALLY has to take a breath to COMPOSE HIMSELF before he says this. He does not want Keith to do this, he does not want anyone for that matter to be risking their lives. But this is war. I’m sure Shiro wishes for nothing more than to be able to trust that Thace will do his part. But Keith can’t rely on that, and Shiro knows that he can’t either. And they shouldn’t because they can’t be taking any chances with this fight.

So Shiro lets Keith do what Keith needs to do, what they all need Keith to do. Shiro chooses to trust Keith’s abilities, and doesn’t undermine Keith’s determination. This whole war is bigger than all of them! Keith is not just Shiro’s probably younger friend, Keith is a fellow paladin of Voltron. Keith is his equal, not some helpless child who needs to be kept out of harm’s way and given the least dangerous task because he has no right to be involved or because he doesn’t want Keith to get hurt. 

So Shiro says “I’ll give you cover.” Because Shiro protects those he cares about. And because he REALLY TRULY cares about Keith, and Allura, and everyone, he knows what they’re capable of. He trusts them. He doesn’t let his need to protect them belittle them. 

OVERALL: I just think this says so much about Shiro and the type of hero role he plays, especially as a leader it is so important that his protective side is not also oppressive. Shiro’s the kind of guy who would die WITH his friends, not just the classic FOR his friends. Shiro doesn’t undermine the people he loves like that, they’re all his equal, they are all capable human (or not human or half human) beings. 

If the people he loves wants to fight then they deserve to fight, that’s their right and not his decision to make. But he sure as hell doesn’t have to let them do it alone so he goes with them. He helps them however he can.

And quick flashback to the Matt situation. The only reason Shiro stepped in like that was because Matt clearly did not want to go into the ring. I think if for whatever reason Matt really wanted to fight that dude (maybe for his own revenge or something) Shiro wouldn’t have taken that away from him. But Matt was not ready, Matt was freaking out and Matt did not want to fight. So Shiro did it for him cuz THAT is the Shiro way.

(sorry this was probably way longer than necessary, I’m not very concise but I haven’t seen a post about this so i thought i’d try my hand at making one) 

Then it’s quiet again, but as always this luxury doesn’t last more than a few minutes, because they’ve taken to a highway and there’s a long stretch of road ahead of them, and Harry starts talking again, “So are we g'na ignore how you were drooling over me?”

Y/N scoffs, affronted by the accusation that was 100% corrected, “Was not drooling  over you, jesus, get your head out of your ass.” She grumps at him, “Not everyone on this planet gets wet at the sight of your biceps.”

She wishes it was ruffling him, but she can tell it isn’t. He merely grins sneakily and leans back into his seat, “Yeah, what ever you say, Pet.”

or

Y/N and Harry don’t really mesh well, until they do

Keep reading

Hey Voltron Fandom, what the fuck?

I’m going to get straight to the point, you guys are self-destructive and are going to kill the fandom over your petty arguments and stupid self-entitlement. There hasn’t been a day since the beginning of the fandom that everything has just been peaceful for once (and I’ve been here since it’s birth) You all should be ashamed of yourselves, fighting online and hurting real people over fiction (this is not specifically towards ships btw) And I’m putting my foot down at all of this bullshit and trying to stop it

This is pretty lengthy so everything is under the cut

Keep reading

Any idea how many gay jokes there are?

I just want to point out something. A joke is only funny when it isn’t used ad nauseam.

So, basically, when can we say this isn’t a joke but that there’s serious intent? How many times before we can rightfully say: this isn’t a joke, this is a pattern. This isn’t a bonus, this is the heart of the text?

10? 15? 20? One per episode? Twice per episode?

(Brace yourself)

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I can't help but hate levi///han now that levi is a dick to hange and doesn't deserve her I read this theory that questiong thing from this month means they are not even friends anymore bcoz levi doesn't feel comfortable enough to call hange by the nickame he had for her anymore and that's sad and also makes me angry because hange is always so nice to him and levi is a douche

Eh, that’s not how I see it.

IMO him dropping that nickname means 1) he legitimately respects her new position and wants to place an emphasis on that by example (humanity’s strongest soldier respecting the new commander is a big deal), and 2) he’s actively trying not to be a dick by throwing out a nickname that is NO LONGER APPROPRIATE – not just due to her rank, but, you know, the fact that she’s lost/damaged/ruined one of her eyes, now. 

The situation that ruined her eye was extremely traumatic: it got her work assistant killed–not to mention all of her colleagues: people’s she’s known for years of her career. This includes Erwin, whose shoes she has to fill right away. I doubt she wants the reminder of that terrible day spat out of Levi’s mouth like it’s some kind of a funny joke when there’s very little chance of her being able to see it that way anymore. I know everyone thinks Hange would take it with a grain of salt and all that (cracking jokes galore), but she has feelings and again: the situation was very traumatic. You don’t see Levi cracking jokes about his traumatic experiences, do you?

Fandom conveniently forgets that Hange is a person who experiences human emotion because they’re desperate to keep the ship dynamic for levihan the same forever.

And look, until we got this information, I think interpreting Hange as the sort of person who wanted normalcy there to distract from the depressing and painful reality was believable and realistic.

But with this information it seems that’s not actually the case.

And that’s okay! There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay for your headcanons to be proven wrong on occasion.

And listen to me, here: people change. They grow, and it’s not always apart. Sometimes they grow together, especially after they’ve been through something rough. The fight in Shiganshina was a rough experience. 

Hange has been through a surprising lot, though she’s barely focused on during those chapters. Almost the entire military branch she works in was wiped out. She lost countless acquaintances and friends. Now she has to lead what’s left of it…and without an eye. I wish fandom would stop laughing it off like it’s a cute “fun” injury because it looks “cool.” It was probably highly traumatic and painful for her, not just in the moment, either. The fact that it took so long for her to get treatment might have even been the real reason she lost it. The eye loss is associated with all kinds of trauma, both physical and mental. She’s a soldier, she’s accepted that something like this could happen, but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with; it doesn’t make any of her losses less painful.

So let’s talk about the responsibility that’s instantly clamped down on her shoulders after this, because Hange doesn’t even get a second to herself to just, you know, mourn or be sad. She’s the commander now. And while the SC might have sealed the wall(s), it was at a great price (and still under Erwin’s command almost entirely). Hange is going to have to fight for respect from pretty much everyone. Mission accomplished and all, but now that the walls are sealed, humanity is safe again lmao fuck the Survey Corps do we even need that branch anymore? Hange is going to have to present a case to save humanity and exterminate the titans and she’s going to need all the respect she can get to do that. She’s going to need more soldiers because <10 isn’t going to be enough. She’s going to need money and supplies and gear. I hate saying this, but it might not be something she’s capable of presenting on her own merit because she’s largely unknown by the people. (Her newspaper shenanigans help her case but only in that specific area.) However, humanity’s strongest soldier has pretty much all the respect from everyone in this world. If he has her back and is standing proudly at her side, it probably helps her case immensely. (He believes her, he believes in her, this isn’t some kind of a sick joke.)

I want to remind everyone, too, that when the newspapers start telling “the truth” of humanity’s situation, it’s like a 50/50 split? Lots of people think it’s bullshit. That doesn’t help Hange. Like I said: she needs all the respect and the backup she can get. Literally every ounce.


IMO, Levi dropping the nickname “shitty-glasses” was the best thing that could have happened to the ship. I know people think it means they’re not “equals” anymore, but everyone’s focusing on the wrong thing, here.

Up to this point in the manga we’ve seen Levi treat Hange more or less equally, but even in his attempts to comfort her he’s rough. He calls her by a rude nickname that we’re never sure is supposed to be endearing or not. For all we know, he means it in the way a coworker might call the fat guy in the group “porkchop” or other kids might be mean to a classmate by calling them “four-eyes.” Speculation and headcanons aside, canon hasn’t ever really given us a clear idea of what that nickname meant to Levi, let alone to Hange. She lets him call her it, but that doesn’t tell us much. For all we ever knew, she was used to being treated poorly by her peers.

However, with this new information, it sounds much more like the nickname “shitty-glasses” was, coming from Levi, an awkwardly endearing nickname–one he meant no harm with.

And we see that because he drops it. He goes out of his way to consciously stop a habit of his that would seem disrespectful to other people regardless of what it originally meant between them. Levi respects Hange and this is how he shows it. That’s a big deal.

I’d also like to point out, again, that it’s very likely he does this out of more than just respect for his commanding officer. Levi is hardly one to follow conventions, after all.

Hange is his friend. He cares about her safety and we’ve seen this (beneath the chapel). We’ve also seen him clumsily care about the place she’s in mentally (post-Nick’s death). I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he cares about her feelings, too. And if this nickname drudges up emotional backlash and trauma for her, then by dropping it he’s showing that he cares about her and respects her as his friend.

Markiplier Theory: Markiplier’s Egos are trying to take over through TV- but why?

But Dark isn’t the one who’s the top power. He’s on the other end. He’s just the other guy who’s controlling the meeting.

The other one was standing. Wilford Warfstache. And by visual, that means he’s controlling the team. He’s the one manning the ship. And by technicalities, that means he’s the one fueling the movement of the egos, since in meetings the one who’s standing is the project head. 

Dark wanted to take control, but failed all the time. He literally cracks all the time when he possesses Mark. The real ending with ADWM is that he doesn’t even win. You still get the ‘retry’ option after it because it’s not the ending that you’re supposed to get. He’s still defeated.

Dark reinforces his admiration to Wilford in the video. He says “Look. Will. I respect you. I always had.” He turned to Wilford because he’s not the one who could do it. 

Wilford has always been a seamless character, no problems in confronting Mark head-on. He has been on TV for so many times (though ending in a bad way). Wilford has interviewed Mark, Slenderman, FNAF guys, and all. He has the most power out of all the egos. 

Take note he’s the base character/ego. He’s literally the one on Mark’s profile pic forever. 

Wilford hijacks the game that was initially for Bim Trimmer. He hijacks the Bubbles commercial. He’s the one presenting the idea to everyone. And his idea is amazing. Because TV isn’t only for TV anymore.

You can get TV shows through the internet. TV is the main media- you get news, you get drama, movies, et cetera. And now the egos are targeting that.

This also implies Wilford got every, single possible ego to help him in the endeavor. It might have been lost in Dark’s eyes (he’s not one for entertainment. He doesn’t get it. But he still concedes because it’s Wilford.) There were new egos introduced here.


Now: Everyone’s roles in the TV Industry

Game Show Segments: Bim Trimmer. He was the one who decided the game, and hosts on weird conditions. He had the Disc of Riches, and most probably others too.

Commercials/Advertisements Segments: Ad Mark (probably akin to Scent O’ Iplier advertisement) is seen and heard in the Bubbles segment.  Ed Edgar Adopt-a-Lot, who was supposed to have a “30 second segment, barely getting 5”. He wants the money. 

Movies/Series: Silver Surfer. What’s the most prominent series right now? It’s usually the ones with heroes. He says “he took a break from crime fighting to pursue entertainment”. He’s the one that’s going to star in those series, usually on Netflix. Another one, akin to “House, Grey’s Anatomy, etc”, Dr. Iplier is going to be the star. He says “I came across as a professional and handsome actor.” Let it be known that the ‘hit’ looks for doctors are hot ones- which Dr. Iplier readily knows. However it is to be noted that Septiplier is an actual ego (lol) which might have been a romantic segment for a series.

News: The Jims. Both are Jims- Jim the head newscaster, and the weather reporter. This means that they are literally broadcasting, not only to TV, but on radio and newspaper as well. The other Jim was on the Sun as well. This implies their range of power. Probably has connections all over the world because of their status of being reporters.

Music: Mark Bop. Akin to MTV, this one is targeting the music industry. He’s alive and bringing back the classics, and most probably going to make more. He’s doing revivals, he’s going to dominate.

Reality TV: Possibly the only one that was intended to where the ‘real’ Mark and the team were supposed to show up. They are shown as the ‘actors’ of their ‘roles’- with Mark as Markiplier, Amy as Peebles, Kathryn as Editor, Tyler as Apocalypto_12, and Ethan as Crankgameplays. (This still means that Wilford got them to do this for Markiplier TV.)

— Also the segments of “Bad Dog” can be compared to those series you’d see on AXN, like Breaking the Magician’s Code. Mark ‘crying’ and the subscriber drop is a close second here, most probably those series with “Living with the…” titles. It is important to note that Kathryn was also there at Wilford in the Disc of Riches, where the whole team was. It might be speculated that the Teamiplier are just actors, and Tyler just acted dead because it’s obvious Wilford didn’t really have bullets when it sounded, and Kathryn was more of the behind-the-scenes type.—-

Other possible TV segments: Informational-Probably like Nat Geo, King of the Squirrels might be in this part, however he is shown to be out of the meeting- possibly because it’s a so-so segment. Wilford doesn’t know what to do yet with him, alongside the many other missing egos. Talk Show- maybe more directed to Wilford or Bim Trimmer.

Technical Run Through: Google. He’s the one who keeps them at bay, to let them remember their ‘primary objective’. With his role in the meeting room, it can be assumed that he is the one holding the technical stuff- when the episodes air, how the lighting is, cameras are placed, etc. This also means that whatever is shown on TV will be uploaded on the internet. It will be easily accessible. Alongside him is The Author, now known as The Host. He tells how everything goes in how the things should go. He’s the scriptwriter. He’s the director. He literally is a host to the people watching Television. Without the structure of a show, how does one run? Without the audience’s help, how does a show follow through? Without good mediums, who will like it? That’s his job.

Now, Dark and Wilford are the acting CEOs. They don’t necessarily have the segments, but that mean they are the ones who are going to control the whole operation. Dark’s probably like the ‘president’ and Wilford is the ‘CEO’ of Markiplier TV. (President: Second-in-command. CEO: owner, chief). Usually the CEO who is on screen more than the president, which makes sense in this way.


Now, what do you guys think?