warm up again again again

okay, i don’t hate kids. i think they’re sort of funny. i like that you can talk to them like an adult and they’ll make sounds like they understand. i taught one kid “phosphorescence” and he looked at me and said, “they could just call it glowing if it means something that glows.” the kid undid the entire science community in one sentence.

but i hate kids.

or really, i hate how they’ve always been expected from me.

when i was five i was given “babies.” i hated the hardness of dolls, disposed of them for dramatic stories between stuffed animals. i knew how to wrap, feed, and care for a baby before i could spell my last name. when i was nine i was already “watching the kids”. i was only four years older than my cousins were. i wanted to go out and play. instead i was expected to have responsibility. by the time i was thirteen all of my friends had told me about how many children they were going to have in their twenties. 

my hips were “child-bearing” hips. my brother was a scientist, or a fireman, or a steamroller. i was going to make a good housewife, or mom, or nanny, or mom, or mom, or mom.

and when my body hurt, i was told it wasn’t really my body, not really, it belonged to my future children. i couldn’t cut or snip or tie anything; i was trapped by the potential energy that hung above me. a boulder, threatening. i couldn’t get tattoos, because what would i tell my children? i couldn’t kiss a girl, because what would i tell the children? i couldn’t be risky or wild or anything but a lady, because what about the children?

and when i said “i don’t want children” - not biologically, at least, not when cancer and depression and a whole other host of terrible things lives inside me - do you know what they said? “it’ll change, wait and see” “it’s not bad” “you’ll get used to it” “when you meet the right man” “you don’t want to be lonely”.

i don’t hate kids. i’m great with them. 

but then i’m told again that my life will be forfeit to them - something in me snaps angry. “wait until you have kids” “you should travel before you have children” “you’ll be more happy.” 

i hate kids! i’ve snarled. i don’t mean it at all. but god. please, leave me alone. i don’t want to be a biological mom. 

it’s like we’re born with a uterus and told “this is your whole life. your singular purpose. your job.” 

i want to be my own purpose. not here for the sake of passing genes on.

3

Trini definitely sucker punch him for that later

2

keith is and always will be, in my entirely biased eyes, The Most Beautiful Human In The Galaxy™  

the set : Keith | Lance | Allura | Pidge | Shiro | Hunk

i have a few food aversions. when i tell people this, at first they’re horrified. ice cream? you can’t eat ice cream? oh i had a terrible stomach bug, once, and it was involved. oh, you poor thing. 

first time i tried tequlia i thought it was like vodka and did nine shots in an hour and ended up in the hospital. five years later i can finally drink it again but i no longer can do shots in any situation. same, buddy, happens to the best of us.

can’t eat nutella. i thought you liked it? used to love it before i was allergic and now it gives me itches. sorry about that, i feel for you.

milk? always. what about milk and cookies, i’ve seen you eat that. sometimes, if i’m careful, and other things are in my stomach, my allergy to lactose is okay. sometimes i can have quite a lot in one day. sometimes none at all. makes sense, okay.

i can’t look at bare razors. specifically, x-acto blades. if they’re in a holder they’re okay. but if they’re out and by themselves my brain starts to shout things. when people tell me to lose weight, sirens start sounding. 

but you can’t tell people that. “triggered” is a joke now. what, are you triggered by a dropped plate?

i don’t like to eat meat if i don’t know where it came from. oh, that’s fine, then. i don’t like to listen to certain songs because they remind me of when bad things were happening. i don’t get it, though. it’s over and done with.

the summer is ending. i feel fall yawning in me, her golden leaves and the time where the air is the most visible. i am trying to take the sun into the colder months but how long will it be before i lose myself again. before the dawn ends. i want to drown myself in a cider cup. i want to take your kisses and use them like lightning bugs. i’ve never wanted so little and so much in my life. i feel like i’m on the edge of something terrible, terrible, and if i just look over my shoulder, it will remember my name and come eat me. i can’t tell if i’m running from something or everything is just leaving. i’m a little unhinged. my lungs are creaking. tomorrow will be closer to my ending. isn’t that true of all of us, you know. we pretend we’re infinite but we’re slowly, slowly unspooling our souls.

5

Oh shit.

And Kuroo finds himself falling in love all over again.