warhammer tau

A Bit of A Sillier Editorial (A.K.A I wanna laugh at 40K people trying to fit inside a sedan.)

So, you’re a good, law abiding, non heretical member of the Holy Imperium of Man, and you want to take a drive, but you may have been drinking too much, the question is 

WHO DO YOU LET DRIVE?

I’ll be covering a few races, the primarchs, and maybe a god or two

Sanguinius: You fucking let that fabulous angel boy drive you. He won’t even allow you to waste your own gas money, he’ll summon some gorgeous solid gold chariot pulled by giant eagles, and while your flying to your destination he’s nursing your drunkeness back to a state of normalcy. Let him drive you always.

Guilliman: If you let him drive your car, you’re radio will be either set to a military frequency or classics, either way, do not touch that dial. Every traffic law will be obeyed to the T, and anyone caught not doing the same will be pulled over by Guilliman and punished exactly the way they should be according to Imperium laws. It’ll probably be boring, but you’ll live. Plus he might share war stories, so that’s always fun. Wouldn’t be my first choice, but sure, let him drive you.

Horus: Pre heresy Horus will be waiting outside with a car that isn’t yours with dimmed glass so the sun doesn’t bother your eyes you drunk. He’ll allow you to pick the radio station no matter what you like, you can even bring your CDs. The car itself is super nice, and he knows when you want to talk and when you want to sing along to the music. Its a nice, if short trip. Let him drive you but don’t get too attached to him. Post heresy Horus is a pile of dust, and therefore cannot drive.

Mortarion: For the love of all that is holy do not let him drive. If he shows up in his 99% rust pickup truck, do not get in, you will get tetanus. If he gets in your car, there is a good chance it will disintegrate before you reach your destination. However, if it does make it, and you do find yourself enjoying his company, he will actually be a fairly pleasant driver. He doesn’t follow all of the laws, but you will endure. The radio has either a plethora of various death and black metal CDs in it, or he’s using an MP3 player. Either way, if you don’t like your music loud, angry, and fast, you won’t enjoy the music. Conversations will either be fucking depressing as all hell, or some sort of fascinating rambling about chemical reactions and how to improve your endurance. Don’t let him rive you, but if forced, hope for the best.

Lorgar: Lorgar shows up at your house ready to use your own car. Once in he makes sure your comfortable, then puts the radio to some sort of religious station. He’ll talk your ear off about the emperor, and you probably won’t get to say much. The ride itself is pretty relaxing, but nothing to exciting. Yeah sure, let him drive you.

Angron: NO. DO NOT. IF YOU ASK ANGRON TO DRIVE YOU ONE OF THREE THINGS HAPPENS. Either he shows up to your house, breaks your car in half and beats you to death with the two halves, shows up, gets in your car, loses his shit half way through and tears the engine block through the dashboard and beats you to death with it, or he shows up in some giant ass monster truck that is blaring thrash metal at a sound so loud your house’ windows shatter. You will die no matter what. Do not even try to call Angron about getting a ride.

Jaghatai Khan: Do you like breaking every speed limit, running red lights, stop signs, and making it to your destination in two minutes even if its 500 miles away? If yes, Let The Khan drive. If not, do not, under any circumstances, tell him you even THINK you want to go for a drive. If he shows up with his bike, you will literally see the universe move slower than you are, you will probably be vaporized by the wind blowing past you. If you take your car, he has somehow already modified it so that its top speed is 5000 miles per second. You will go around the planet 50 times, listening to thrash and speed metal while screaming that you’re going to crash. Unless you are crazy, never mention ANYTHING to do with driving in his general vicinity.

Magnus: Pre heresy Magnus doesn’t have his own car, but he happily drives yours for you. You CAN listen to your own music, but Magnus reaaally wants to show off this new band he just found that has Psykers using  the warp for instruments instead of traditional instruments. Let him play that band. Do it. Don’t you make him feel any worse than he already does. I don’t care if you hate how it sounds you tell him its amazing god damnit. If you guys talk, it will be the most amazing conversation you’ve ever had. You will be able to chat about literally anything, and he can talk about it just as passionately. Let that big red boy drive you forever. Post Heresy Magnus tries to fit in your car, only barely manages, and half way through fucks up your shocks. He offers to fix them at some point and in the meantime teleport the both of you via the warp. Don’t let him drive, you will be eaten by a daemon.

Fulgrim: N O. Fulgrim is going to be high on something no matter what. He will drive you both into a tree and he’ll somehow survive while your dead. There is no good outcome, do not call him for a ride.

Lion El’Jonson: If you manage to get a hold if him, he’ll simply either say yes or no, nothing more. He’ll arrive exactly five minutes later, and will use his own car. The radio has been removed. He says nothing. He takes the quickest route possible and drops you off saying nothing. Let him drive you, it’ll just be overly silent.

Leman Russ: For all that is holy, do NOT. Either you have to ride on a giant fucking wolf, and are in constant fear it will eat you, a fucking tank that will eventually lead you both into battle, or he will get in your car, stink it up to high fucking hell, leave blood and hair everywhere and OH GOD IS THAT FENRISIAN ALE ON HIS BREATH?! If you do somehow manage to survive, the radio station will have viking metal. Because of fucking course it will.

Rogal Dorn: If you call Rogal Dorn for a ride, one of two things will happen. He will show up at your doorstep with an entire military escort, your ride is that giant fucking armored tank.You will make it, but you won’t enjoy it. OR he will show up, silently modify your car into a Fucking APC, and then drive you. If you take your car, no, if he uses his own, go ahead, you’ll be safe no matter what happens along the ride.

Konrad Curze: When you call Konrad for a ride, there will be no sound on the other side of the phone except for breathing. When you hang up and turn around he will be right behind you. He doesn’t have a key. You never gave him a key. You also never gave him your address. He points to your car, he walked there that quick. He never speaks a single word. The radio is utterly silent. If you speak, you die. If anyone even so much as goes a fraction over the speed limit, or breaks any traffic laws, they will be mercilessly pursued, drug out of their cars, and torn apart and strung up on their hood. You will witness at least 5 deaths, need immediate therapy, and will likely have to change addresses, and names. Do not ask for a ride.

Perturabo: Will scream at you the entire time, tell you why his car is much better than both yours AND Dorn’s and will eventually drive to Dorn to rub that in. You will be forgotten, and never arrive at your destination. If the radio plays anything, it will be the edgiest, most emo “crying linkin park lyrics into my pillow” music you have ever heard. Don’t associate with Perturabo to begin with.

Alpharius Omegon: You don’t actually have his phone number. You thought you did, but you don’t. Weird.

Ferrus Manus: If you ask for a ride, you will be told to wait. If you listen, you can hear him working on your car. When he calls back to say he’s ready, you’ll come outside to find your car perfected. It may not be pretty, but this car is the pinnacle of efficiency. The radio is your choice, he doesn’t mind. Go ahead, ask him for a ride, you’ll get a kickass car out of it.

Corvus Corax: When you ask for a ride, he’ll show up, not in a car, not ready to drive your own, but with a jetpack. You’re going flying. If you hate heights, no, if you don’t mind, go ahead, you’ll get where you need to be fast.

Vulkan: You didn’t even call Vulkan, he just knew you’d need a ride. So he showed up in the nicest car he could find, has the temperature set perfectly, the windows are tinted just right, your favorite band is playing at the exact right volume and he drives the path you like the most. You never asked for any of this, he just did it. The one downside is that the engine may spontaneously combust. Vulkan swears he has no idea why that happened. Let him drive you, he will be amazing.

Da Orkz: When you call the ork, he tells you he’ll be there by half past nug. You don’t know what nug is, but okay. When you finally go outside, you’ll find your car completely disassembled and reassembled into a Trukk. When you start driving you’ll think you’re going to die, and in fairness you probably will. The radio is set to either speed, thrash, or heavy metal, most likely the latter. If you survive, he’ll want teef as payment, and will happily punch your face for them. Do not ask for a ride.

Tau: The Tau show up exactly when they say they will, in a hybrid. They take the most practical route, obey every law, and don’t really speak much. It won’t be a fun ride, but it won’t be bad.  Let the blue vagina face drive you.

Khorne: Khorne reaches through the phone line, strangles you and then beats you with the phone. Why would you ever think that was a good idea.

Tzeentch: When you call Tzeentch you somehow end up agreeing to drive him. Just as planned. Don’t bother trying to fight it, it will happen no matter what you try.

Slaanesh: Slaanesh doesn’t even answer the phone. They can’t hear it over the orgy currently happening. Either way, they’d be too high to drive, and you’d probably end up having sex in the back seat anyways.

Nurgle: Nurgle gives you a roguh time of when he will be over. Shows up a bit later, but that’s alright, he’s got that lovable grin plastered on his face and he’s wearing that ridiculous Hawaiian shirt. He picks you up in his old as all fuck sedan that barely works. Your drive will be a bit smelly, but that’s alright, Papa is great company either way. It’s a slow drive, but that’s what you wanted anyways. The radio is set to something relaxing. You may contract super cancer, but its a small price to pay to hang out with that swell guy. Let Nurgle drive you around no matter what.

BONUS ABBADON: Abbadon agrees to drive you, in fact he hypes it up as the greatest car ride ever. It will never fail, it will be the single best few minutes of your life. When he shows up he has no arms. He says he has no idea how this could have happened. Why are you even talking to Failbaddon in the first place?