I'm sorry, but uhm... we just saw your new video. Yea, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
Your mother shops at Saks.
Oh my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, okay! Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
Well yea? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get like, liposuction or something!
Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
[blows powder from hand]
Your mother is so, like... She's so... Octavian you go
Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"
-Hey there big boy -Hey mom -Can we talk? -About what? -Well Dick, you know, as a mother I have to talk to you about…things, you know? -I’m not getting -It’s that kind of conversation you know? -What conversation mom? -About sex -What? Don’t you think I’m too old to this? Save this to Damian -But I feel I have to do this -Mom, I think I know everything I need to know about sex -I know, but… -Mom, seriously, we don’t have to do this -Alright -Good -But tell me, how’s your sexual life? -Oh my God mother, you’re making weird. Bye
-Jay, can we talk? -About what? -About sex -What the heck? -Sit down -No! -What? Why? -I’m not gonna talk about sex with my mother -Do you prefer your father? -I prefer not to have this conversation -But son, this is so important, you have to know things -I know things mom, I see things -Do you mean porn? -No! -… -Yes! but mom, trust me, we don’t have to do this, it’s so embarrassing. Besides, I’m not a kid anymore, go talk about that with Timmy and the demon spwan
-Hello mom! -Hey Timbers -Jay said you wanna talk to me -Yes, sit down -Something happened? -No -You wanna talk about what? -Well, about sex -What? -As a mother… -Don’t even start -Tim, it’s important for you to know -No, it’s not -Yes it is, you’re becoming a man now and -Mom shush -What? -Shush please -Shush? I’m your damn mother, you don’t tell me to shush -I’m sorry but I don’t wanna hear about that -Timothy come back here -Bye mom
-My boy, can we talk for a second -Sure mom -Let’s have a sit -You want to talk about what? -I have to have this conversation with you, you see, you’re growing up, soon you will hit the puberty and I thought… -Don’t -What? -Don’t say anything else mom -What? Wait, we’re you going? -I don’t wanna talk about that -Damian, come back, we have to -No -Damian! -No way mom -DAMIAN WAYNE -Goodbye
I’ll be forever thankful to my lovely beta, Dyenya
Gif does not belong to me.
all-to-familiar voice erupts behind you without any prior warning. You would
have jumped on your stool had you not been as drunk as you were. Instead, you
just snarled something obscure under your breath, not bothering to even look
“I missed you
just as much, believe me.” the notorious King of Hell sits down next to you,
ignoring the bartender’s questioning look as when he catches sight of the
unfamiliar glass of whiskey nursed Crowley’s hands.
“I never pegged
you as one to be so clingy,” you teased, taking a sip of the cheap liquor in
your own glass.
things change when you’ve got work to do.”
“Don’t you even
start on work,” you warned him, growing even more gloomy than you already were.
“I’m busy and I have no intention of helping you with any of your mess.”
He grew silent,
you almost believed for a moment he’d vanish and annoy someone else.
“Bad hunt?” he
asked, though without his usual cockiness.
sighed deeply, rubbing the bags under your red eyes. You would kill for a few
hours of sleep, but the images that appear every time you closed your eyes were
still too fresh, too haunting for sleep to even be a possibility. You can still
remember the metallic smell of rotten flesh that days earlier was one of the
children you swore you were gonna return to their mother…
“You wanna talk
You raised your
head, not believing what you heard. He looked back at you, lifting one brow
waiting for your response.
“Your eyes are so
hazel, it’s almost impossible. Are you wearing lenses?” you blurt out dreamily,
half-drunk and only centimeters away from the demon.
He chuckled and
for a few moments, there were no words between the two of you but the ones sang
in the background of the bar. You seemed to already forget what happened,
drifting elsewhere into the heavy, warm sleep. Crowley took your glass and set
it aside before you spilled the rest of your drink on yourself. You didn’t even
“This isn’t the
best place to fall asleep,” he spotted, poking you gently. You stirred, yawning
“I’m a bit short
of money, so if you don’t borrow me some, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“I thought you
had quite a lot from your last hunt.”
“Yeah, but I left
them in the car.”
“And the car
“In the lake. It
had a ghoul in it.”
“Last time I
checked, wild ghouls don’t appear out of nowhere.”
they do. Especially when you don’t run as fast as you think you do.”
He barely held
back a snort of laughter, but you noticed it and cracked a small smile. He
wasn’t as bad as he liked to pretend.
“So, I suppose
you wouldn’t mind a small lift to a hotel room free of charge?”
“Right now? Not
at all. But don’t tell the boys I had a chance to kill you and was too drunk to
I wanna talk about a Kaikaina Grif who isn’t as shallow of a character as she was made to seem in cannon. I wanna talk about the Kaikaina Grif who lost her mother at a young age. The Kaikaina Grif who grew up colourblind. The Kaikaina Grif who was never really good at anything useful. The Kaikaina Grif who loves sex and alcohol and parties, and throws a big “F U” to anyone who thinks less of her because of it. The Kaikaina with big boobs and huge thighs, who’s chubby and sexy and knows it. The Kaikaina Grif who’s into boys and girls and nb peeps because as long as you’re good with your tongue and dtf gender doesn’t matter.
I wanna talk about Grif sibling headcannons. Big brother Dexter stepping in as a parental figure when their mother left. Dexter talking to a young Kaikaina about colours; Describing them with emotions and feelings so she can understand them better. Dexter teaching a young Kaikaina the limited amount of Hawaiian he knows, and singing her songs, and making sure she knows her roots. Dexter learning how to dye/style hair, coordinate outfits, and keeping up with fashion trends so his little sister wont feel insecure about her appearance. A Dexter who will beat the living hell out of anyone who talks shit about his sister’s sex life, and a Kaikaina who will kick the dick/punch the tit of anyone who talks shit about her brother’s weight. A pair of scary Grif siblings who will both beat your ass if you talk shit about their ethnicity.
I wanna talk about Kaikaina coming back to Blue Team. Imagine Her reaction when she finds out the cop is now the team leader. Imagine her slowly warming up to Wash, and finally deciding he’s pretty cool (for a cop). Imagine Kaikaina flirting with a flustered Washington. Imagine her relationship with Tucker that consists of mostly casual sex, dirty jokes, high fives, and good vibes. Imagine Kaikaina talking to Caboose, and becoming best friends with him, because she’s such a friendly person and he’s so non-judgmental. Imagine Kaikaina seeing Freckles and saying “You guys guys have a dog that looks like a gun?!” Imagine her meeting Carolina and absolutely loving that there’s another girl on the team. Imaging Kaikaina and Carolina talking about girl stuff and bonding. (Bonus: imagine Carolina making her first real female friend in Kai.) Imagine Kaikaina and Church being super awkward, since he doesn’t really know how to talk to her, and she doesn’t really understand the whole AI thing, but she’s not as annoying as Caboose and robots are pretty cool.
On the topic of Kaikaina coming back, I wanna talk about Kaikaina visiting Red Team. Imagine her only calling Grif by his first name and how salty it makes him. Imagine Sarge raving about Blue Team sending over spies and telling her not to come back. Imagine her calling Sarge old and gross and coming back anyway. Imagine Simmions stuttering and stumbling over his words whenever she’s around. Imagine Kaikaina flirting with a flustered SImmions. Imagine Kaikaina not knowing the difference between pink and lightish red, so she totally believes Donut when he says they’re different. Imagine Kaikaina making an attempt to learn Spanish for Lopez, and developing a Donut level comprehension of it. Imagine Lopez warming up to her because she’s the only one who tried. Imagine Kaikaina just being friends with everyone because that’s just how she roles.
I just wanna talk about Kaikaina Grif forever, because she deserves so so so much more than what she’s been given in the show, and she has so much potential for greatness.
Kids!” You heard your mother call from the kitchen of the house as
you opened and closed the door, kicking off your shoes and throwing
your school bag down on the bench by the door. “It’s just me, mom.”
You knew you’d have to announce it was just yourself eventually. You
were still angry but it was slowly fading into sadness and you knew
you weren’t going to be able to control the tears when they finally
started to fall.
Your mom sounded confused as you made your way to the kitchen, “is
Joe coming later? He knows it’s Wednesday, right?” She questioned
you as she seen you enter the kitchen. “No… He isn’t coming.”
the matter? Awh is Joe poorly?” She asked you and you shook your
head. “No. He isn’t.” You played with some crumbs on the kitchen
counter, “well… Why isn’t he here? His family is okay right?”
She asked suddenly and you nodded. “They’re fine mom.” You
cleared your throat, “Joe… He isn’t coming tonight or … Ever
again for that matter.” You whispered, your mother dropped the
spoon she was using to stir and it clanged hitting against the stove
top. “Pardon?” She asked in shock of your statement.
make me repeat myself, please.” You pleaded with her and she turned
away from the stove to look at you wiping her hands on her apron.
“What’s going on?” She looked over you with concern in her eyes.
“I don’t wanna talk about it either.” You added.
watched as your mother gave you a serious expression and her tone
matched it; “you listen here young lady. You aren’t just telling me
the boy you’ve been best friends with since you were babies isn’t
coming ‘round anymore without an explanation. So you tell me right
now, what has happened?” She had her hands on her hips and I sighed
slowly, looking at the kitchens tilted flooring.
happened, Linda.” You whispered. You didn’t normally swear around
your parents out of respect but in the moment you just spoke how you
felt and a swear word was perfect.
girlfriend?” She sounded shocked, overlooking your swear. “Yeah,
her.” You felt the anger bubbling up again.
happened?” She asked. “He chose her, mom.” You glanced up at
her, the whole scene after school replaying in your mind vividly.
“(Y/N) you need to explain this better.” She said lowly. “Linda
told Joe he needed to choose between her and me and he chose her.”
You glanced at her and could feel the tears started to well up and
blur your vision.
You mom asked in just as much shock as before. “Oh honey, I’m sure
he didn’t mean it. He’s probably trying to think of a way to
apologise to you right now.” She nodded.
You felt your voice cracking as you went to speak; “I confronted
him outside after school. He wouldn’t answer me or even look at me…
He only finally told me it was true he chose her was after I snapped
at him.” You started to cry and your mother rushed over to you,
wrapping her arms around you and pulled you into a tight embrace. “Oh
honey.” She said soothingly, rubbing your back.
still, you cried against your mother for a while before you sniffed
trying to compose yourself again. “I’m not really hungry… I’m
just gonna go do my homework…” You pulled away from her and dried
your eyes you headed upstairs without your school bag before she
could say anything to you…
Zoes P.O.V. ~
in the living room on the floor, I was doing my History homework at
the coffee table, looking from my text book to my notebook and back
writing the answers to questions as the phone started to ring. “Mom!”
I called a little too lazy and in the homework zone to get up and
answer it. “Got it.” I hear her sing as the ringing stopped and
she answered with a cheerful; “hello!”
didn’t pay much attention to the conversation until I heard; “He
did what?” And my ears perked a little, wondering what trouble Joe
was getting in over the phone. Probably our neighbour calling to
complain Joe would always step on her flowers when playing football
on the road.
(Y/Moms/N), I can’t believe that, I’m so sorry.” I heard my mother
apologising and I got concerned. “I can’t believe him.” She
continued and I closed my homework crawling across the living room
floor to catch more of the conversation going on through the kitchen
no I’m glad you called… I’m going to give that boy a serious
talking to.” She said and I wondered what could have possibly
happened. Mom and (Y/Moms/N) often were apologising to other peoples
parents, but never to each other.
heard the phone hang up and I stood up, walking into the kitchen.
was that about?” I couldn’t help but ask, seeing my mom rubbing her
forehead. “Oh your thick skulled brother.” She sighed and I
nodded. “Yeah… But what?” I wondered more. “Oh that Linda.”
She sounded annoyed and my eyebrows knitted together. “His
girlfriend? But weren’t you just speaking to (Y/N)’s mom?” I was
now dying to know what was going on.
“Yes… Apparently today
at school Linda told Joe he had to pick between her or (Y/N) and Joe
picked Linda.” My mother shook her head not understanding why and I
felt my jaw drop a little. “Are you kidding me?” I couldn’t
believe it and she looked at me. “Afraid not Zo. Poor (Y/N) is just
beside herself. Something wrong with that boy.” I could tell she
was angry but trying to play it down.
deserved a good slap.” I nodded and my mom breathlessly laughed.
“He sure does. I’m going to speak to him but first I’m going to
talk to your father.” She looked toward the back yard where dad
was. “Okay.” I felt so bad for (Y/N) and angry at Joe…
I walked upstairs after mom went outside and I walked into Joe’s
bedroom. “HEY!” He said as I didn’t knock he looked up from his
phone and his face went from annoyed to blank. “What?” He asked.
shook my head in disgust at him. “What the hell is the matter with
you?” I asked sharply and he looked around the room. “Nothing?”
He didn’t look sure.
I said her name seriously and his expression completely changed. “How
do you … Know about that?” He whispered and I raised my eyebrow.
“(Y/Moms/N) called mom and told her what you did.” I crossed my
arms over my chest and his eyes went wide.
He trailed off. “I can’t believe you picked your girlfriend of six
months over your best friends of years.” I snapped. While (Y/N) and
I didn’t spend a lot of time together, we were still friends and I
was outraged with my brother. “Zoe it’s complicated.” He tried
telling me and I didn’t buy it at all.
no it isn’t Joe when your nutcase of a girlfriend starts telling you
to pick between her and your friends, you dump the bitch.” I
pointed out darkly.
didn’t know what to say Zoe.” Joe looked down at his hands. “I
just… I wanted to keep her happy and not cause a scene in the
middle of the hall at school.” He muttered.
if she is happy or not, Joe – you’re best friend isn’t. Well, I
wouldn’t call her your best friend anymore.” I corrected myself and
he looked back up in my direction. “I’ll tell her I’m sorry.” He
nodded and I scoffed. “Do you think, a simply apology is going to
solve everything, Joe? Are you that brain dead?” I asked him, “why
there was ever a hesitation in your mind on picking Linda or (Y/N) is
beyond me.” I continued lecturing him.
forgive me.” He nodded and I laughed in his face at his statement
which made him look nervous. “You fucked up.” I pointed at him,
“she might have forgiven you for a lot of crap but this, this
definitely takes the cake. You can’t just say you’re sorry and expect
things to go back to normal Joe.”
know, Zoe, okay – I royally fucked up, alright? What else do you
want me to say?” He snapped back a little bit. “I know I did. I
don’t need you lecturing me about what I did wrong. I know what I did
wrong and now I have to try to fix it.” He rubbed his forehead.
don’t feel one bit of sympathy for you over this, you know that? You
brought this all on yourself and even if she forgives you for being
an idiot… Things wont be the same, you broke a trust Joe…
Something you both worked at creating for years and you completely
wrecked it in an afternoon.”
GET IT ZOE!” He finally yelled at me standing up and looking at me
when a serious face. “NO! You don’t because you think you can just
go say you’re sorry and everything will be okay! You haven’t realised
exactly how badly you fucked everything up and I don’t think you will
until it finally hits you that you don’t have your best friend
anymore.” I said. “You don’t have your rock, your go-to person to
fall back on.” I pointed out.
Joe whispered. “You have a mostly crazy girlfriend who can’t keep
an intelligent conversation going… Good luck trying to talk to her
about anything, good luck getting her to take the fall for you when
you do something stupid.” I shook my head at him and I went to say
more but I stopped, seeing Joe had started to cry.
Joe.” I muttered, recalling five minutes ago telling him I had no
sympathy for him, but seeing my little brother crying gutted me a
little bit. “Zoe, I fucked up so bad and I'unno what to do.” He
whispered coming up to me with his arms extended. “Oh christ.” I
whispered, wrapping my arms around him tightly and hugging him…
Happy Wednesday everyone! Wednesday is Pregnant Amelia Day so…here we go. When
I started writing this I wanted to make it no more than two pages long. Don’t
ask me how it ended up being longer than five…
He woke up to the feeling of his wife’s
soft lips against his neck, trailing kisses down his chest, stomach, and going
“Amelia…” He warned her. “What are you
Without taking her mouth away, she
whispered “What does it look like?”
The manly part of his brain sighed in
appreciation when her hands tugged at the elastic of his pajama pants. Two and
half months without sex was torture for any sane human being, but if your wife
was as tempting as Amelia was, the torture was a thousand times worse.
Luckily for him –and much to her
disappointment- Owen’s fatherly side of his brain gained terrain, and stopped
her hands from continuing their journey.
kinstuck asks, hmmmmm? wanna talk about porrim's relationship with her mother at all? :D
Porrims relationship with her mother Dolorosa is very loving and warm, but they just don’t understand eachother at all. They’re both liberal feminists who are very generous and want to help people, but Dolorosa is Muslim and a very practical and reserved woman, whereas Porrim converted to Paganism, which put a strain on their relationship for a while, and got a whole ton of tattoos and moved out on her own and now dates all sorts of people Dolorosa doesn’t approve of… Dolorosa worries about her a lot.
They have a lot of debates about her lifestyle but at the end of the day they love eachother and Dolorosa wont let anyone say a word against her daughter, no matter what differences they have.