Twenty-nine real-life years passed between Rocky and Creed, a film about the scion of Rocky Balboa’s rival-turned-friend. The span dividing the original Pirates of the Caribbean from its latest sequel, Dead Men Tell No Tales, is less than half that. But life moves faster at sea apparently, because the ersatz, angular hero of this fifth Pirates cruise — 27-year-old Brenton Thwaites — is playing the adult offspring of lovers Keira Knightley (current age 32) and Orlando Bloom (40) from the initial trio of Pirates pictures. In this chapter, Bloom’s character has been placed under a spell that confines him to the ocean as a slowly-rotting sea creature. Only by locating the magical Trident of Poseidon can Thwaites break the curse and return his papa to terra firma. At the same time, the villainous Salazar (incoming Javier Bardem), a ghost-captain in the Spanish Navy who suffers from the same alarming skin condition and travel restrictions as Bloom, is after Captain Jack Sparrow — that’s our man Johnny Depp — for … revenge, probably?

That’s about as simply as I can chart the picaresque course of what we might call 5-rates of the Caribbean, a Disney Company line-item that works hard to gin up a sense of urgency and portent on its way to nowhere in particular. It’s an amiable shrug of a summer movie that is neither bad or good but is unequivocally loud, dark (especially in murky 3D that slides out of focus any time you move your neck), and long.

Yo-Ho-Hum: Johnny Depp Returns For More ‘Pirates’

Photo: Peter Mountain/Walt Disney Pictures

Why I Love Alice in Wonderland (2010 & 2016)

This is just special interest rambling but I wanted to post it in case others were interested…

* Alice is seen as an outcast in her world and society just for being different and imaginative; I can 100% relate to that, being neurodivergent and relying heavily on my imagination for entertainment and coping skills

* She doesn’t let society dictate what she should and shouldn’t do, she’s her own person and not afraid of it

* She’s the hero of Underland

* In Underland, she finds her true self and makes friends with creatures who are just like her in that they all have wild imaginations and while most are mad, it’s still okay and Alice loves them all

* Alice’s relationship with the Hatter, even moreso in Through The Looking Glass
* How she’s not afraid to fight for what is right in both worlds

* Her sense of adventure

* She wears whatever she wants and sometimes it goes against her society but she doesn’t care (ie: not wearing a corset, refusing to wear stockings, wearing a costume from China to an English party)

* She defies all female stereotypes seen in both films as she’s expected to behave like a lady in the 1800s but instead decides to turn down a proposal of marriage to sail the seas like her father before her as the ship’s captain, she’s the slayer of the jabberwocky and the Champion of Underland

* She doesn’t hesitate to argue with men when they try to put her in her place (call her crazy and whatnot)