Customer: *sees me in uniform* *makes eye contact* *sees me talking to customer* Sir do you work here ?
Me: no sir I don’t, this is just one of my hobbies, I like to dress up and pretend I’m an employee of this company for no pay, you can find me here every Sunday except on Fridays I work at target, Saturdays Walmart, and on Monday thru Thursday its either Best Buy or Publix McDonald’s or Red lobster depending on how I feel.
That anon telling you not to say deadass is white af. That walmart sandal joke was hilarious. Using aave when you're white is bad if you only use it when you're trying to seem threatening or sexual and therefore perpetuating stereotypes. Otherwise there's no real harm in enjoying the morphology of language granted respect and acknowledgement are given to the originators of that vernacular.
Description: Reader is hurt in a fight, and she is taken into S.H.I.E.L.D for her injuries, and ends up being there longer than expected, gaining new friends and falling for a certain speedster.
Warnings: Swearing, Violence.
On the Quinjet
“Okay guys, once we land I want everyone to stay focused on our task. All we want is for those three teens to be safe, and one thing’s for sure, they won’t be safe with Rampage. So find the kids, then your side mission is collect intel on whatever you think could lead us to Newton Grand and/or Steven Hillings. Oh, and don’t shy away from kicking in the teeth of all of their employees.” Steve said to his crew.
“Sounds easy enough.” The Black Widow crossed her arms.
“Well it will be, as long as we all stay focused.” Steve continued.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. We’ll be focused. Stop jabbering already, I’m about to land this thing.” Clint said from his spot in the pilot’s seat.
Upon touching down, the group raises a significant amount of suspicion from the building ahead of them, and it didn’t take long before multiple guards stood outside waiting for the arrival of the Avengers. Pietro snatches the hand of Vision, leading him to provide as a diversion while the remaining three, the Captain, Widow, and Hawkeye slip through the doors. They split off during their ride in the elevator, which sent Steve to the next ahead floor, and left Nat and Clint all the way up to the last floor.
Whilst they continued to trek through their respected corridors, Vision and Quicksilver managed to wreak havoc just outside. To those above or ways away, it would appear that a man in a red morph suit floated several feet above a crowd of armed men, spontaneously beaming energy at them individually from his forehead, while another man, not strangely red, kept reappearing in the crowd, throwing punches at unsuspecting people in the gathering of those with guns.
“We could probably take these people out with our hands tied behind our backs!” Pietro shouted gleefully, obviously having a marvelous time.
“Yes, I suppose we could! Shall we finish up here and follow the rest of our team?” Vision asked with a small smile. He was enjoying the sense of a bond he was forming with Wanda’s brother.
“Just a minute. I want the last one.” A grown, fairly beefed up guard was quivering as Quicksilver sent him a devilish grin. Without warning, he jolted forward, twisting the guards nose, hearing it crack. He bent forward, clutching his nose, when Pietro touch the opportunity to rush behind him, kicking him down to the ground.
“Nice.” Vision smirks, coming back to the ground.
“Thanks.” The speedster responds as the two jog into the facility. The man drags himself over to the doors, pushing them open weakly. Pietro turns, glaring at him. “Really? You’re up?” He raised a brow. The man took a step forward to raise fist at him. “Fine.” He sighed, swinging his foot up to smack against his face, leaving him to crash to the floor.
“Did (Y/N) teach you that one?” Vision chuckled.
“Your mom taught me that one.” Pietro said smugly.
“My mother was a destructive, controlling, mankind-hating AI, but in your short time spent together I doubt he ever taught you karate moves.” The android spoke as the two walked.
“Fair enough.” Pietro snickered.
Steve went from room to room throughout the first floor, finding little company as he leafed through documents, pocketing those that looked that they served a specific purpose. This included some he found in a lab after taking down two of its workers. They seemed to be the plans for a old-timey looking hand buzzer prank, the kind that when you shake hands with it’s owner, it gives you a bone-chilling zap that travels all about your body. That was as it appeared, however, its notes stated it was some sort of teleportation device. It reminded him of the kind of tricky tools he and the Howling Commandos had used during many of their missions together. He kept moving, calmly strolling down the hallway to the next room. He stopped at the doorway, hearing a gasp. Steve spun around, fully alert. There was a kid, ebony complexion, looking around fourteen or fifteen, with a pair of boxy glasses, in an outfit that made him look as if he just broke out of prison. He had deep chocolate brown eyes and short clean cut hair.
“You’re Steve Rogers! Oh my God!” His jaw dropped. Two guards charged behind him, guns raised.
“Hey! What the hell are you doing out of containment?” One of them asked. The teen spun around, putting his hands out to the men.
“You might want to take a step back.” He shouted over his shoulder at Steve. Bewildered, he did as told. Suddenly, thousands of spiders poured onto the floor in front of the child, seemingly from nowhere. The two men standing ahead screeched while he led them up their bodies, soon engulfing them. They tumble downwards, still screaming out in torture. Cap stared in awe as the boy let his hands drop.
“…What the hell?” He whispered, confused. “Uh, I think I found number one.” He spoke louder into his earpiece.
“You think?” Widow asked.
“I’m pretty goddamn sure.” He uttered with sass.
“Who are you talking to?” The kid asked.
“A colleague. What just happened?”
“Oh, um, the people here, they gave me powers.” He smiled widely. “Cool, right?”
“Sure. But you do understand that the stuff they used to give you powers has killed other kids, right?”
“Yeah, I know. Why do you think I’m trying to get out of this hell hole? Are you here to help me?”
“I am. Follow me, I’ll get you out of here.” Steve turned, continuing to walk. “You got a name?”
“Robbie.” He answered.
“So Robbie, do you only magically spawn spiders or can you do like snakes and stuff, too?”
“Not just spiders. I can think of anything, and it will generate somewhere around me. The only thing is, I don’t know how to make them go away.”
“How do you know you can?”
“Any other abilities?” Steve looked to Robbie.
“Well, I do have a photographic memory. But I’ve always had that.” He responded.
“I heard you’ve got two buddies. What are their names?”
“Julia and Charlotte.”
“Did you know them before coming here?”
“Yeah, totally. They’ve been my best friends since kindergarten! Why?”
“Because the last two kids who actually survived this project were twins.” Cap said. “Where are your friends?”
“No clue. I picked the lock to my cage thing like twenty minutes ago, then I let them out. We all split up to find our stuff.”
“Hopefully team gets to them before the staff here does. You should never have split up, none of you have any training.” Steve shook his head.
“That wouldn’t have been much fun at all, now would it, Captain America?”
“It wouldn’t be fun, but at least it wouldn’t get you killed.”
Upstairs, Nat and Clint had been punching the shit out of some well deserving guards when Cap announced his discovery. Not long after, Clint entered another room while his partner searched another. He surveyed it, looking at how it was left and examining the cluttered floor.
“Well, are you just gonna stand there?” A girl appeared, leaning against the wall in front of him, arms crossed. He nearly jumped out of his skin. “Did I scare ya?” She grinned. “So what are you, another one of those piece of shit guard dogs they found on Craigslist?”
“No, they found me in a box in a Walmart parking lot.” Clint joked.
She smiled. “What do you want?”
“I’m an avenger. I’m here to take you home. I don’t want anything.”
“How do I know that’s not a lie?” She narrowed her eyes.
“I have Tony Stark’s personal phone number.”
“Tony Stark? Iron Man?” She gasped.
“Wow! He’s like, rich as fuck!” She exaggerated.
“I’m aware of that.” Clint smiled.
“So what’s your nickname then? ‘Bow Guy’? ‘Arrow Dude’?”
“Hawkeye, actually. What’s your uh, regular name, kid?”
“Julia.” She had straight dirty blond hair, which was tied into a braid. Though, even with her blonde hair and blue eyes, you could tell this kid was not one to spend much time on looks. “And if you’re here to take me home, we’ve got to find my friends first. Let’s go, Bow Guy.” And with that, she walked straight through Clint, who was stood in the doorway.
“Whaaaat.” He grunted.
Natasha joined them in the hallway seconds later. “I see you’ve found number two. All I found were some balled up pairs of ripped jeans and a few tee shirts.”
“Number two? Who’s number one?” Julia turned to Clint with furrowed brows.
“Cap said he found a kid named Robbie on the first floor.” Nat told her.
“Cap? As in Captain America? Oh my gosh, that is hysterical!” She giggled. “I bet Robbie almost shit his pants. That kid is obsessed with all of his comics.”
“Well, that means Steve is probably having tons of fun right now.” Clint smirked, Natasha sending him a knowing smile.
“Woah, woah woah! What the hell is that?” Julia shouted, Vision speeding around the corner at them.
“Relax, he’s an Avenger.” Clint said.
“Finally, someone I know!” Vision panted.
“What’s up?” Nat asked.
“Well, uh, you see, Pietro, he uh, just kind of went off on his own, which wouldn’t be so bad if I promised Wanda I wouldn’t let him do that.” He fiddled with his hands nervously.
“He can hold his own. He’s a big boy, he’ll be fine.” Clint assured him.
Vision and Pietro had been ripping a new hole in another hoard of guards before one of the Rampage employees slipped away through one of the doors in the narrow hall. Eager to investigate why he had run from battle, Pietro snuck through the door behind him, which led to a staircase up to the next floor. He tiptoed after the man while he jogged up the steps. He seemed not to notice, until they reached the next door, where he turned and smiled.
“Oh good, you’re here. Thank God, If I didn’t lure you up here some how, Louis would kill me. Whew!” He chuckled.
Pietro was absolutely puzzled. “What are you talking about?”
“You’ll know in just a moment, Mr. Maximoff.” The guard said politely, turning to open the door
“Open that door, and I’ll kill you.” Pietro stepped towards him.
“Either you go in, or you can say goodbye to Wanda.”
“You don’t even have a way to get to her, you lying prick.” He shoved the guy against the door.
“Not right now, no, but we do know where she lives. Where she sleeps. We’ve done it before, what’s stopping us from doing it again, Mr. Maximoff?”
“The same thing that stopped you before. The Avengers.”
The man simply laughed at Pietro’s response. “Do you really think either of them will suspect the gunman right outside her window? Do you truly believe that in the middle of watching an episode of Steven Universe they are going to be looking for someone who’s about to shoot them?”
“Well, she and The Blue Jay are at home, are they not? Sitting on Wanda’s bed, eating popcorn. Talking about their teammates. Their boyfriends. You. She sure does like you a lot from what I’ve heard.”
“You’re bluffing.” Pietro held the collar of the man’s jacket in his hands.
“And if I’m not? How do you think it would feel to know that you killed them, Pietro? That you killed your little sister. Who you were supposed to protect. Or that the only girl you’ve ever loved had a bullet sent through her cranium because you though I was bluffing.”
Pietro sighed. “Open the god damn door.” He said through gritted teeth.
“At your wish, sir.” He smiled, as Pietro backed off. He prodded Pietro forward with the tip of his gun. They entered another hallway, similar to the one he and Vision had been in. The guard took him to a room fit for an interrogation from some sort of cop show. At the table was a laptop, opened to Skype. He was sat in the chair across from it, as well as cuffed to the table. Lastly, he had his earpiece confiscated. “Have fun.” The man smiled sweetly.
“Fuck off, shit sack.” Pietro spared no expense. The guard left the room, and another door in the room opened.
“Hello again Quicksilver. It’s nice to see our rolls reversed.” In walked Newton Grand, after him followed Steven Hillings, and finally Louis Grenwald, the man you had had multiple run-ins with in the past. Your boyfriend immediately directed his attention to Mr. Hillings.
“You son of a bitch!” Pietro shouted. “Your family fucking loved you, you bastard! You through your son out on the street! He was fucking scared for his life!” He stood from his chair, screaming.
“Please sit down, Pietro. I would kill you now, but I’m afraid you serve a purpose to me.” Louis said blandly. When he didn’t comply, Louis went further. “You have ten seconds to sit before I blow your sister’s brains out.” Pietro sat tentatively. “Good. Now what I want you to do, is call Wanda.”
“What?” Pietro looked up at him,
“Do you speak English? Call. Wanda.”
whats gonna happen idk wait yes i do find out soon maybeeee
“So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’
So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.”
Ok, so basically the reason the title is Stupid vs. Stupider is because yes, it was a great joke and yes, I would love for every fat redneck bitch in walmart to die. However the simple fact that someone who works at walmart told you that you were not cut out for this line of work means your too stupid to have stupids job which makes you very, very, stupid. haha.
Who else had those male friends in early high school who wore cardboard walmart trilbies with internet joke shirts and trench coats all the time and actually referred to girls they wanted to date as “my lady?” Guys who’d never done anything wrong to you maybe but always put you slightly ill at ease with their extremely gendered attentions? Guys who seemed to universally wear their hair in a way that was neither short nor long but determinedly flippy? Who were deeply into not even 4-Chan but like…9Gag? Definitely members of the high school anime club? Very excited to hang out at the anime convention? Used rage comic memes in every day conversation? Probably owned like 2-3 decorative swords? But the internet hadn’t quite defined this type of guy yet, so he was just there. That guy. You knew he was a Type of Guy but you didn’t know how you knew? What kind of guy is this? you’d almost say, too early to even realize it was a kind of guy. What do you call these?