walking circles

I Would Hate You If I Could
I Would Hate You If I Could

I hear you’ve been telling all your friends that you’re done with me
Like you always knew things wouldn’t work out.
And I’ve been hearing things from people that I don’t want to talk to,
Like it matters who you’re sleeping with now.

Can I erase from my mind anything that you said or
Any time that we spent with each other?
I don’t want to waste away another cell on a memory
When you’re just another meaningless lover.

Forget the nights that we spent laughing
Until the morning on your bedroom floor
Without a thought about your roommate asleep down the hall.
Forget the days we’d waste in bed, tangled,
The smoke still on your breath,
Undressed and pinning you up to the wall.

And I swore I heard you talking when I was tossing in my sleep.
You were always trying to walk in circles around me.
I was out one night when I saw you and you froze me where I stood.
I would hate you, I would hate you if I could.

Forget the nights that we spent laughing
Until the morning on your bedroom floor
Without a thought about your roommate asleep down the hall.
Forget the days we’d waste in bed, tangled,
The smoke still on your breath,
Undressed and pinning you up to the wall.

I would hate you but I’m not finished yet.

Even you, up on that pedestal, the time will come
When you will deconstruct yourself and remake what you are.
When it does you’ll remember me and the words I spoke
And wonder how you ever could have strayed so far.

Cassian (& Nesta) Headcannon

This got a bit…. long


•Cassian, with his 500 years of living, has picked up how to play some musical instruments out of curiosity
•BUT, he’s never really played in front of or for anyone
•His favorite instrument is definitely the piano
•He just- he loves the way the chords flow together and the sounds that resonate in a room even after he’s stopped pressing down on the keys
•He loves to lose himself in the notes; to let everything in him be consumed by the way music affects him so intensely
•So one day, Cass is in the House of Wind or something when everyone else is gone doing their own thing
•He’s wandering around and just so happens to walk past one of his favorite rooms, where his beloved piano is bathed in golden sunlight in this open, airy balcony, music room type of thing
•And his fingers twitch as his side, yearning to create melodies long since suppressed, considering he hasn’t played in what seems like forever
•So he gently crosses the room and sits down on the bench; runs a hand lovingly across the lid of his piano before placing his fingers tentively on the ivory keys
•And with a deep breathe to calm his nerves, he begins to play
•It’s messy at first; years of not playing has caused his brain to muddle his usual technique, but he still continues, pushing on
•Slowly, slowly, the notes start to come out smoother
•Memories and notes come back to him in waves; his fingers dancing across the keys in excitement, having almost forgotten how good it feels to release his emotions and craft them into something beautiful
•He remembers now, why he started learning to play piano in the first place
•He remembers: a younger Cassian wandering around Velaris, centuries ago, and hearing something that stopped him in his tracks
•It was music- a type he’d never heard before; music that burrowed itself in his skin and settled along his bones
•So he followed that sound, coming to a shop with its door open, and peered in to see an older woman sitting at a piano bench
•He watched her for a few moments, losing himself in the movement of her hands- how intricate the chords seemed to be, and he wanted it so bad- wanted to know how to create something as breathtaking as that
•So after her musical piece came to an end, he approached her, swallowing his pride to get out the following breathless words, “Can you- can you teach me?”
•From then on, he would go to that little shop to be taught the ways of the massive instrument
•She taught him & he learned to know which pedals to push and how long to hold each note; how to build a piece higher and higher until the crescendo shattered into existence, all from the tips of their fingers
•Eventually, when he was quite advanced in learning and playing after months of practice, the woman told him that her job was done, all that was left was for him to create his own music instead of learning hers
• “You have so much inside of you,” she had said, gently pressing a palm to his heart. “You must take all those deeply buried feelings and let them out. Forge them into something useful, something that brings you peace instead of turmoil. You must understand that music is your companion, it will be there when all else is lost. Don’t forget to share your burdens, your happiness, your sorrow, with the one thing that will never betray you.” With that, she had taken the hand that was still on his chest and placed it on her magnificent piano, letting her own memories sweep her into an inviting embrace as Cassian quietly left for the day
•A few weeks later, as Cassian was making his way back to the old lady’s piano shop for a visit, he walked in to find the place empty- all except the piano they had played on together for hours on end
•And as he made his way over to the instrument, he found a note laying on top of it saying, “She is now yours, and she is your friend. Treat her well.”
•Cassian has never seen her again, but the memory of her will live on with him for as long as he’s alive
•So now, he is currently sitting still at the House of Wind, having lost himself in the memories of his earlier life, and he just - starts crying
•Like, it hits him so hard and he misses the old woman who taught him how to play and he wants to go back to the time where everything was not quite so hectic; before Amarantha and the King of Hybern and all the wars that he has fought in
•He wants to go back to the time where his soul wasn’t so heavy, even though he has never experienced a time where he’s been completely light hearted
•Not until her
•With that thought, his silent tears instantly slow until they stop
•When he’s with her, everything seems so simple
•Although she’s a pain in the ass a lot of the time, he wouldn’t have it any other way
•He recalls a past conversation with Rhysand, where his brother had confessed to him that when Feyre and him had first gone to the Summer Court, Feyre had told the High Lord Tarquin that, “It would be very easy to love you.” Rhys had been a wreck whenever it came to his mate (during the time she didn’t know she was his mate yet)
•But those words had stuck with Cassian for a while
•It is very, very easy to love Nesta
•With that notion, and feeling of love in his heart, he begins to play again
•But this song is slow, peaceful, and effortless
•He let’s his heart compose this piece, as his hands do the work
•The music is lovely, resembling the most cherished of his feelings
•And Cassian can’t help but memorize it; he knows it’s dedicated to his love- to Nesta
•And after this afternoon is over, and he has created the most graceful tune he has ever played, he knows he has to show her
•So when the opportunity arrives a week or two later, and Nesta & Cassian are alone, he brings her to his music room, and plays the piece he crafted for her
•And she knows, can feel it deep down in her soul, that the music he plays for her is for her ears alone
•She cherishes it, loves it, spills more than a few tears over it
•Cassian is so nervous and anxious because this is his first time showing someone this part of him, this love for piano
•But Nesta just comes over to sit next to him on the bench, and leans her head on his shoulder as she gently grabs his hand and entwines her fingers with his
•And he’s just silent, so full of happiness and he’s content and he’s proud to have a woman like Nesta in his life
•He tentively asks her, “Do you like it?”
•She turns her head to peer up at him, her eyes shining silver, “It’s perfect.”
•And the purest smile appears on his face and it just breaks her heart and mends it back together again all in the same instant and she leans in to kiss him
•And the kiss is slow and extraordinary, and it reminds them that they have the rest of their immortal lives to be with each other, and even in death they will not be separated

Spell to dream of past memories

I have created this spell myself after studying how to create them. I hope it may help you a bit!

This spell should bring forth memories and dreams of your past lives.

It should be preformed in the time of the waxing moon, as it is to bring forth memories.

What you will need:

  • A purple candle
  • Salt
  • Bay leaf
  • A bowl of water

First, start by casting a circle. You can do this by taking a small bowl of salt and walking in a circle three times counterclockwise, sprinkling the salt as you go while saying “I cast this circle to create a sacred space, no unwanted energies may enter this place, The circle is now cast! so mote it be!”

When the circle is cast, sit down in the center of it, facing north as you light the purple candle. Meditate for a good few moments and when you feel calm, sprinkle some bay leaf into the bowl of water and say “Goddess of the divine, hear my call. A thousands lives I have lived them all. Give me some memories that come to stay and I will return to you another day. So mote it be!”. When you are done with that, pour salt into the bowl as well while stirring it three time counterclockwise. When you are done, focus your energy and intent into the bowl of salt, water and bay leaf. when you feel it is ready, close the circle and snuff out the candle. then take the bowl outside and pour it into the earth, returning it to the goddess with your intent. Then sleep. Within no time you should be getting dreams and visions of various memories!


Summary:  Dan gets Phil Lester’s number off of the back of a bathroom stall door and drunk sexts him.  One big problem, Phil Lester is the most famous guy at his university.  

Word Count:  2,220

Tags:  16 year old Dan, 18 year old Phil, jock Phil, awkward nerd Dan, fluff, smut, and a little angst (somewhere probably).

T.W.:  Alcohol, swearing, and mentions of vomiting.  

Dan walks in a circle for the fifth time while biting his thumb.  He was about to have a coffee date with Phil Lester.  The same Phil Lester that was practically the Brad Pitt of his University’s campus.  Phil Lester, the number one goalie for their football team and the same guy who made every girl’s panties drop.  

Dan never did things like this, but then again Dan had been doing things he usually never did recently.  He leans against the bathroom wall and slides down it, resting his head in his hands.  

You’re just psyching yourself out, Howell.  You’re awkward, but you’re not so awkward that you can’t have one fucking conversation with Phil Lester.  The same Phil Lester that you sent a sext to, you’ve already done the most socially unexceptionable thing to do to a complete stranger.  It can’t get any worse, right?  If only I could go back to that night and I wouldn’t even be in this situation. 

“Jesus christ,” Dan mutters as he hits his head against the wall behind him.  Why the hell has he been acting like this lately?

*One week before*

“Come on, Dan!  Live a little!  Get out of that big brain of yours for one night!”  His best friend, Lincoln, had said to him excitedly before smacking his back emanating a loud noise in the quiet library making people turn around and stare.

“No, I already told you.  I’m not going to some stupid club with you and a bunch of our peers, that I don’t even like, with the possibility of getting caught with a fake ID and drinking underage which could very well lead to a shit ton of legal trouble just to live a little.”  Dan crosses his arms after his rant and huffs at Lincoln who rolls his eyes dramatically at Dan.

“Dude, you are such a bummer sometimes.  I get it.  You’re smart. You’re responsible.  You’re 16 and you’re already in university.  Big deal, you’re still a human being, so I firmly believe that you should still get out and party like the rest of us.  Maybe you’ll even meet a guy.”  Lincoln wiggles his eyebrows and elbows Dan in the ribs as Dan perks up a little.  "Did I catch your attention?“  

Dan lets out a long sigh before rubbing his face.  "Fine,” he says still with his hands covering his face.  "You’ll come?!“  His friend asks enthusiastically.  Dan just grunts as a response, but that’s all Lincoln needs.  "Mate, it’s going to be so sick!  You’ll love it, I promise!”  Dan hums miserably before going back to reading out of the textbook in front of him.  

The night that Dan had been dreading all week finally comes and he could not be less excited.  "I don’t want to go.  It’s going to be hot and there will be so many people.“  He whines while watching Lincoln scroll through his computer on the bed.  

Secretly, Dan isn’t more annoyed as he is scared.  Truth be told he had never had alcohol before and he was afraid of the effects it could have on him.

“You’ll be fine.  Now put something decent on so we can leave.”  Dan rolls his eyes and throws on one of his button downs before grabbing his keys and slumping out of his dorm with a very excited Lincoln following close behind.

Dan groans immediately when he sees the club.  "Nope, I’m not doing this.“  He mumbles as he goes to start his car again.  "Hey, c'mon, you haven’t even given it a chance yet.”  Lincoln encourages and grabs Dan’s keys which results in very loud protests.  "You won’t need to be driving after all of the drinking you’ll be doing tonight, anyways.“  Dan flings open his door and drags himself up to the front of the club before tensely presenting his fake ID.  The bouncer barely even glances at the ID before letting them in making Dan sigh in relief.  

“See, that wasn’t that hard, was it?”  Lincoln teases Dan and before he can throw back a sarcastic remark at him, he’s disappeared into the crowd.  "Lincoln!“  Dan shouts with wide eyes, trying to find his friend again.  

"Shit, I should’ve known this was going to happen.”  Dan runs his hand through his hair and lets out a shaky breath as he feel the room starting to close in on him.  He’s always hated crowded places and this is already really pushing him.

“Hey, are you alright?”  A friendly and concerned voice asks behind him.  He turns around and almost faints.  The blue eyes of the one and only, Phil Lester, are staring at him.  He feels like he’s meeting a celebrity.  He had heard many stories about the man and seen pictures, but he had never actually seen him in real life, nonetheless talked to him.  

“I-I-I, uh,” Dan stutters in a pathetic attempt at talking.  "You look like you’re about to pass out hold on, there’s a corner of the club that’s less crowded.“  And with that said, Phil grabs Dan’s arm before weaving them through the crowd.  

They finally arrive in a quieter and less crowded part of the club.  Dan’s breath seems to finally enter his lungs again and he takes in a big gulp of air.  "First time in a club?”  Phil asks empathetically.  Dan nods, “Yeah, how could you tell.”  Phil chuckles slightly.  

“Well, first of all, you look like a freaking fetus.”  Dan blushes in embarrassment and looks down at his shoes.  The most beautiful man he had ever met just called him a fetus.  "And second of all,“ Phil continues, "I did the same thing at my first club.”  

Dan’s eyes widen at that and he looks up at Phil.  "What happened?“  Phil bites his lip and looks around.  "Promise you won’t tell anyone?”  Phil whispers and Dan nods quickly.  "I fainted and an ambulance had to come pick me up and I got busted by the cops for being underage.“  Dan covers his mouth to keep from laughing.  Phil pouts, "Don’t laugh.  It was really scary for me.”  Dan giggles, “I’m sure, Mr. big football player fainting at his first club.  Must have been traumatizing.”  

“It was.”  Phil whines out and pouts even more making Dan giggle louder.  He stops as a drunken man stumbles up to Phil and slings his arm over his shoulder.  "Philllllll, mate you gotta come look at this chick.  She’s sooo hot.“  Phil momentarily looks disappointed before smiling.  "Yeah, I’ll be there in a second.”  The man shakes his head quickly and pulls Phil quickly away.  "I’ll talk to you later.“  Phil calls out to Dan as he’s being pulled away.  

Dan sighs to himself as he watches Phil leave.  I guess the only thing to do now is get drunk.

Four beers, five shots, and one mixed drink later and Dan was completely shit faced.  He stumbles into the bathroom while laughing about god knows what before shutting himself inside a stall.  He sits down on the toilet and just sits there staring at all of the writings on the stall wall.  He snorts as he reads a particularly interesting scribble.  

Phil Lester’s number > 07700 900778

Dan pulls out his phone from his pocket before typing the number into a new text thread.

‘I’d love to see what those pretty blue eyes of yours look like while sucking my dick. xoxo -Dan’

Dan hums while typing the message and sends it before laughing loudly at himself.  He stands up and wobbles for a second until he sturdys himself.  He walks out of the stall and slinks back to the bar before ordering another beer without a second thought to Phil Lester.

Dan wakes up the next morning in the backseat of his car with an enormous headache.  "Holy fucking hell.”  He groans to himself and doesn’t even recognize his own voice due to the harsh scratch of it.  He moans while massaging his temples until a thought pops into his head.  

“No,no,no,no,no.  Dear god, no.”  He says over and over again while pulling out his phone and scrolling through his messages.  He reads the drunken text and instantly becomes nauseous.  He opens the car door and throws up for an entire five minutes and begins crying afterwards.  What was I thinking.  Am I actually fucking crazy?  I texted the university’s superstar a fucking sext.  That morning Dan wishes and prays that Phil doesn’t answer, nor remember who Dan even is.  

Sadly, not everyone gets what they wish for because that following day Dan receives the text he had been dreading. 

07700 900778:  Who is this?

Dan covers his face and feels like crying until he shrivels up from embarrassment and dies.  He rolls his lips together debating if he should text back or not.  And like the idiot he is, he does.  

‘I’m so sorry.  I sent that last night while I was drunk and I was thinking about you after you practically saved my ass and yeah… sorry.’

Dan smacks himself after sending the text.  I was thinking about you, how desperate is that?  Jesus, he was hopeless.  Truly hopeless.

07700 900778:  Ohhh, the beautiful boy with sparkling eyes?  The one I told about my first time at a club?

Dan drops his phone from shock as he reads the text.  Beautiful boy?  Phil fucking Lester just called him beautiful.  Was Phil drunk?

‘Uh, yeah.  Sorry again.  I won’t bother you anymore.' 

07700 900778:  Would you maybe want to get coffee with me Tuesday afternoon?

Dan gulps and impulsively texts back a quick 'yes.’

Why did he just agree to have coffee with Phil Lester after sending him a sext.  He really was an idiot.

So here he is having a panic attack on the bathroom floor like an idiot.  Debating if he should crawl out of the small window above the toilet.  He snorts lightly at the irony.  The last time he was in a compromising situation with Phil, he was also in a bathroom.

“Dan, are you alright?  You’ve been in here a while.”  Phil’s voice bounces off of the bathroom walls making it all too loud for Dan.  He cringes and takes a large breath before standing up, brushing himself off, and flushing the toilet (to give the illusion that he was actually using the restroom rather than over thinking all of his life decisions).

He opens the stall door and clears his throat.  "Er, yeah.  I’m ok, just using the bathroom.“  He awkwardly gestures to the toilet and rolls his eyes at himself.  Idiot.

Phil raises his eyebrows, "Right.  You want to come have coffee with me or stay in here?”  Phil asks sarcastically before smirking slightly.  Dan chuckles, “Lemme’ just wash my hands, geez.  Stop rushing me.”  Dan walks around Phil to get to the sink and begins scrubbing his hands before looking in the mirror.  He notices Phil’s intense stare and coughs before blushing and drying his hands still facing the sink and staring at Phil in the mirror.  

He opens his mouth to speak, but Phil begins moving toward him making him gulp.  Phil places his hands on Dan’s hips and pushes his crotch into Dan’s ass.  Dan gasps slightly at the noticeable bulge before moaning under his breath.  "P-Phil?“  He stutters out as Phil begins to kiss up his neck and suck marks onto his tanned skin.  Deep purple marks soon begin to flourish on his skin and his eyes become heavy with lust, but he continues to stare at his and Phil’s reflection in the mirror.

One of Phil’s hands slowly migrates from it’s place on Dan’s hip to his crotch and massages it.  Dan’s breath hitches as his head finally lulls back onto Phil’s shoulder behind him.  "I know you said you wanted to see what my eyes looked like while I’m blowing you, but I also want to see how beautiful you look while I suck you off.”  Phil whispers into Dan’s ear and kisses it before turning Dan around and leaning him against the sink.  

“Wh-What if someone walks in?”  Dan asks as Phil pulls his pants down quickly.  "Then let them.“  Dan moans at that as he becomes even more aroused.  Phil kisses around Dan’s clothed erection before finally pulling down Dan’s underwear and taking him into his mouth.  

"Fuck-Phil.”  He breathes and looks down at Phil seeing a pair of gorgeous blue eyes staring back up at him.  "Jesus, you’re even prettier than I imagined.“  Dan breathes out and combs his hand through Phil’s hair before tugging it making Phil moan around him.  "P-Phil, I’m close.”  Phil begins bobbing his head faster as Dan’s grip on his hair tightens until finally Dan throws his head back whilst moaning out Phil’s name.  He covers his mouth to try to damper the volume of his moans from the aftershock of his orgasm.  Phil cleans him off and Dan fixes himself before letting his head fall against the mirror behind him.  

“Holy fuck,”  Dan says slightly out of breath while Phil kisses along his jawline.  "Phil Lester just blew me, oh my fucking god.“  Phil laughs against Dan’s skin making him shudder.  "You can blow Phil Lester, if you’ll come home with me.”  Dan nods, “Fuck yes.”     

MTL Huggable ♡


The8: Minghao is so warm and cute, you can feel his excited little heartbeat whenever you hug him. His hugs are the picture of perfection, actual god of hugs.

S.Coups: Seungcheol is literally always pulling you into hugs. Everywhere you go, any excuse he can get– he will hug you. No exceptions.

Wonwoo: Contrary to popular belief, Wonwoo is a really good hugger. He starts out shy, but hugs you deeper and deeper as the minute passes.

Hoshi: Soonyoung will hug you and spin you around with the hug. He laughs while he does it too, so you’re both walking in circles, hugging, and giggling like idiots.

Jun: Junhui is big, you can feel him hug you with his entire body, likes to pull away and press your foreheads together afterwards.

Jeonghan: When Jeonghan hugs you he lays your head in his chest or, if you’re taller than him, into his shoulder.

Mingyu: Mingyu tries to lift you up in every hug, sometimes it’s cute, sometimes it’s extra.

Joshua: Joshua is too shy to hug you often, but when he does it’s really cute because he doesn’t really know what to do so he just squeezes you so tight.

DK: Seokmin hugs you for way too long, like three minutes hugs at a time because he just doesn’t want to let go. It’s cute in theory, but also like, Seokmin, stop.

Seungkwan: Seungkwan is too quick with his hugs, but he does do them often. He has to pull away right away because he gets too blushy.

Vernon: Hansol freezes up whenever he hugs because he can’t believe he’s actually hugging you.

Woozi: Jihoon does the little half hugs and never fully hugs you. Whenever you try to hug him fully he doesn’t hug back… usually.

Dino: Chan doesn’t know how to hug because he doesn’t really hug people besides his members. He tries and it’s cute, but it’s also awkward.



Casting a Circle 101

What is a Circle?

Well that’s a simple question, right? Circles are, well, circles. They are round, and tend not to have a beginning nor end. But a Circle casted before spells have a much different meaning.

Typically imaginary (invisible) a Circle is a boundary of energy. Some do tend to “mark” their circles with chalk, stones, crystals, candles etc…to easily imagine the circle in ones mind eye. 

The purpose of the circle is multitudinous. It is meant to protect those within the circle from any outside negativity and gather energy for the purpose of spell casting or ritual doing.

How to Cast a Circle:

Their is more than one way of casting a circle. Keep that in mind, as you grow as a Pagan you will find a way that is much more suited to you than what I present here. 

Circle Walking: Exactly as it sounds. Whether you are a solitary practitioner or practice as a coven, you literally walk in a circle. Move clockwise and imagine that a string of energy being crafted as you walk. 

Calling the Corners (Elements): Calling the corners is maybe one the most used way of casting that I’ve seen. Similar to Circle Walking, you’d walk in a circle calling out the corners/elements. Starting from the North or Earth. As you call the corner/element to the circle a small saying should follow. Their are many out there that you can simply look up. 

Calling on the Gods/Goddesses: If you are looking for something more intuitive and personal this would be it. Craft a phrase for your God and Goddess. Example if I called out to Osiris the Egyptian God of the Underworld I would phrase the saying like:

I call to the God/Lord/Deity of Death and Resurrection Osiris to this Circle.

After the saying I would put down an offering of sorts, this is usually specific to the God you are calling, or personal to you and your connection to this God. 

Repeat with a Goddess, because I called to Osiris I would call out to Isis, his cohort. Isis is the Goddess of marriage, health and wisdom. 

Remember that this way is personal to you.  

Closing the Circle 

When everything is all said and done, as you opened the circle so shall you close it. Basically, and the easiest way of explaining it, is that it is everything that you’ve done but in reverse. If you calling the corners, you must allow them to leave. Same with Gods and Goddesses. If you walked the circle, walk in the opposite direction, like you are picking up that string of energy you laid down in the beginning. 

And that is it, basic circle casting, well as basic as it is going to get. It can be tons more complicated and intuitive than what I’ve put down. But in the beginning do not make it harder than it actually is. 


Jamie glanced over his shoulder at the sun, a flat disc hanging in mid-sky behind a thin screen of cloud.

It’s almost Samhain now,” he said. “All Hallows’ Eve. Seems suitable, no?” He shivered involuntarily, in spite of the joke. “When you … came through. What did ye do?”

I tried to remember. I felt ice-cold, and I folded my hands under my armpits. 

“I walked round the circle, looking at things. Just randomly, though; there was no pattern. And then I came near to the split rock, and I heard a buzzing, like bees—” 

It was still like bees. I drew back as though it had been the rattle of a snake. 

“It’s still here!” I reared in panic, throwing my arms around Jamie, but he set me firmly away from him, his face white, and turned me once again toward the stone. 

“What then?” The keening wind was sharp in my ears, but his voice was sharper still. 

“I put my hand on the rock.” 

“Do it, then.” He pushed me closer, and when I did not respond, he grasped my wrist and planted my hand firmly against the brindled surface. 

Chaos reached out and grabbed me. 

The sun stopped whirling behind my eyes at last, and the shriek faded out of my ears. There was another persistent noise, Jamie calling my name. 

I felt too sick to sit up or open my eyes, but I flapped my hand weakly, to let him know I was still alive.

“I’m all right,” I said. 

“Are ye then? Oh, God, Claire!” He clasped me against his chest then, holding me tightly. “Jesus, Claire. I thought ye were dead, sure. You … you began to … go, somehow. You had the most awful look on your face, like ye were frightened to death. I— I pulled ye back from the stone. I stopped ye, I shouldna have done so— I’m sorry, lassie.” 

My eyes were open enough now to see his face above me, shocked and frightened. 

“It’s all right.” It was still an effort to speak, and I felt heavy and disoriented, but things were coming clearer. I tried to smile, but felt nothing more than a twitch. 

“At least … we know … it still works.”