Filia: Stale bread, water without ice, the newest season of the Simpsons aaaaaaand dirt. Also hair fetishes.
Cerebella: With the power of circus mafia titties, you churn out 360 command grabs, poke your opponent in the butt and hustle rocks. You’re gonna give it to them as your opponents suffer in anguish.
Peacock: You have good taste in cartoons but you don’t want anyone to have fun. You laugh at your opponents efforts to get past every projectile you throw at them and even if they do, you pull out a gun to send them back to hell.
Parasoul: You are full of swag and like flair within your combos, always creating new ways to frustrate the opponent with your careful placement of napalms and fancy combos with cuhrayzee overhead/low mixups to truly let all the swag burst out.
Ms. Fortune: Frequenting sites like 4Chan and FurAffinity, you spout out internet memes, thinking you’re hilarious while making many friends. Surprisingly, you have good execution with combos, burst baits and managing your head for spacing to catch your opponent off guard.
Painwheel: Sadomasochism at its finest, you are suffering incarnate, the worst character in the game with bad approach, awkward normals and overall weak pressure, but you toughed it out for 3 years for those delicious buffs to make you a monster with 40 frame overheads and ways to make your suffering onto your enemies ten fold with the damage you do. You are an inspiration to all players.
Valentine: Being a top tier since the beginning, people call you a tier whore for choosing such a flexible rush down character with ambiguous cross ups, mobility, tick throws and set ups accompanied with amazing pressure and resets but really, you just love a bad, ninja nurse with big titties.
Double: Probably a manipulative bastard in real life, always trying to sneak your way in to get your way and preach what you don’t practice. You barrel loop your opponent to death only to sneak in an ambiguous cross under air throw to reset the damage all over again and loop into catheads to stack all the damage you possibly can. You also support the funding of tentacle porn by the government.
Squigly: Your waifu, you cannot disappoint her and must mash divekick in the hopes of winning for her. You get easily offended when people say she smells bad for being a corpse and make angry posts online about it. Also you praise the glorious booty.
Big Band: You have no clue what you’re are doing, but that’s okay because you have moves with tons of armor that do tons of damages and give you untechable knockdowns while having the best dragon punch in the history of dragon punches. All you want to do is play your trumpet and go to your taunt into super with you TUBATUBATUBAing your opponents to death.
Eliza: You are an edgy person who like gore and making your everyone suffer. Sekmet is your best friend with unreactable double overheads and infinite armor as you go in, showing you’re a spooky skeleton not to mess around with. You walk like an Egyptian and sting like the Sahara Desert.
Beowulf: All you think about is wrasslin, you live for the wrasslin and you breathe wrasslin but deep down inside, you know you’re a manchild with nothing better to do but throw chairs around and hope you can get a throw in to slam your opponents. You think you are the hypest character in the game but all of it is in your head and you go slowly insane as you keep playing him.
Fukua: As this character was made with no budget and effort, neither does your play style. You mash jump heavy kick into jump heavy punch for brainless pressure, zone with shadows and fireballs and go into command grabs with armor, you don’t need to think with this amalgamation of Seth from SF4 and The General from Kaiser Knuckle. Even with all the nerfs you have received, you still win all your matches.
Robo Fortune: You frequent sites like Reddit, Twitter and Tumblr while you spouting out dated memes and pretentious proverbs thinking you’re the cream of the crop but you have no friends. You stalk people on social media in the hopes of accomplishing some form of communication. However, your understanding of the game top notch, you know your set ups and you know the proper spacing to set up head traps and how to zone out out even the best of the best.
My first attempt at an animated GIF, and who better than the crazy hot Susanna Hoffs for the honors? I’ll probably try this one again when I get better at making them, because this is one of my favorite video moments ever. Song aged better than you would have expected, too.