waiting for the elephants

MBTI types as history of the world

INTP: the sun is a deadly laser
ENFJ: you could make a religion out of this
ESTJ: well, blame them for something and go to war
INTJ: that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church
ENTP: wow, that worked?
INFP: china is whole again. and then it broke again
ESTP: whoops half of europe just died
ISTJ: fuck you obey the law
ISFP: will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok, thanks, bye
ENFP: wait! said christopher columbus probably smoking crack
ESFJ: by the way, where the hell are we?
ESFP: ‘let’s overthrow the palace’
INFJ: error -125: out of destiny
ENTJ: they never got ethiopia
ISFJ: that’s just where he lives
ISTP: wanna print a brain?

music has such intense power tied to memory. like, this song just came on and i was immediately transported back four years to being in shop class when this kid was messing around on his guitar. i happened to recognize the chords and what he was humming, and we started singing. and then more people joined in. even the people who didn’t know the words hummed along or joined in on parts of the chorus they picked up. when it was over, that was it. we had all stopped working and cleaning to sing this song, even our teacher, but it finished and we all just went back to it. that memory in and of itself is a phenomenon only achieved by music. and now every time i hear that song i think of a time i sat in a dusty concrete room and started singing out of nowhere with a bunch of people i didn’t even really like.

Red vs blue characters as quotes from ‘History of the entire world, i guess’
Red Team : Go with the flow
Sarge : I wanna invent time and space and I know its possible
Simmons : Fuck you, obay the law
Grif : Nope, cant walk yet and there’s no food so I dont care
Donut : Some stars burn out and die with PASSION
Lopez : That bullshit, said Portugal spiceless
Doc : Guess who’s not gone

Blue Team : Wow it broke apart but don’t worry it does that all the time
Leonard Church : It has secret instructions inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself
Caboose : It’s sad, I’m sad, I miss you
Tucker : You can make a religion out of this
Sister : Do you sin?

Freelancers : Woops half of europe just died
Carolina : No, don’t
Washington : No. Accualy okay sure
Tex : (s)He was great and now (s)he’s dead
York : Quarks and stuff
North : Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
South : Yes I do accualy want to do that
CT : I wanna be something do something. I want things to change
Maine : Fuck it. I control the food now
Wyoming : Hello? Yes it the 1920s calling
Florida : He sat under a tree for so long he figured out how ignore the fact that we are all dying

AI’s
Vic : Gnarly space ingredients
FILISS : Many different types of machines
Omega : Technology is about to go crazy
Sigma : We gotta start pillaging some stuff
Delta : why didn’t we think of this before
Gamma : Prankd
Theta : Coming soon to a dank river valley near you

People from the chours trilogy and sharkface
Kimball : Lets over throw the palace and cut all their heads off
Doyle : Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants okay thanks bye
Grey : Wait!, said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack
Felix and Locus : The horse nomads run wild and free and they would like to ransack your city
Sharkface : Something’s alive in the ocean

Champagne Mixed with a Bit of Adrenaline [h.s.]

A/N: this was a request from an anon and I finally got it done! It’s meant to go with this amazing piece of art. :-)  this piece is dedicated to the amazing @tiostyles because Brianne kept it from getting lost in the void LMAO. her support inspired me to finish it so thanks Brianne ilyvm :-) sorry for any mistakes or typos! Drop by my inbox with opinions bc I’m kinda?? Iffy on it?? Anywho, enjoy!

Harry likes to think he has stamina. He’s proven it countless of times before and he’s sure he will continue to prove it until the end of his days.

A great example would be that one time on the tour bus when he had popped a stiffy around 9 PM and couldn’t do anything about it, since no one was planning on going to bed yet, so he couldn’t sneak away to handle it. He’d had to wait until well after 1 AM, when the snoring elephants known as his band mates were conked out cold, to sneak into the bathroom with his Astroglide and rub out a quick one to a picture of Y/N wearing nothing but a pink, sheer silk button-up with the word “Styles” embroidered on the chest pocket.

Or the time when he and Y/N had attended a family get-together that his mother had thrown at his old house in the new pool she’d had built. Y/N had gotten the brilliant idea to grope him during a game of water volleyball and he’d had to play actively, all whilst doing his best to make sure no one saw the raging boner tenting his Gucci lion-printed swim trunks. After the underwater fun was over and the barbecue was done, his mom had condemned him to stay and help clean up. Washing dishes with his dick leaking wasn’t exactly his idea of a good time.

After that long night, Harry had given his mom a quick kiss goodbye and ignored her comments about how it was odd for his jacket to be tied backwards around his waist. He’d dragged a grinning Y/N to his car, setting route to their apartment but somehow ending up in an abandoned mall square, fucking in the backseat of his Rover.

And don’t even get him started on the time he lost three rounds of Go Fish to Y/N and, as retribution, had to wear a vibrating cock ring to Lux’s birthday party. Trying to explain to a four year old why his lap was vibrating, all while maintaining a cool composure, should’ve been made into an Olympic sport because the sheer amount of concentration and determination needed was truly out of this fucking world. Not only that, but fucking in a bathroom the size of a coat closet wasn’t necessarily prime, either. Lou had been having her upstairs bathroom remodeled and the one in the living room was too obvious, so they’d had to sneak down to the one in the basement. It was tiny, cramped, and smelled way too much like lemon-scented Lysol. His left leg had fallen asleep, but as if that wasn’t bad enough, Y/N had decided to up and leave halfway through and left him horribly blue-balled. Giving a toast to his goddaughter’s coming-of-age wasn’t really fluent when casually trying to cover up the bulge in his jeans with a Hello Kitty placemat.

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“Something wrong?” said Detritus.
Vimes sighed. What was the point? He’d spot it sooner or later.
“I’m sorry about this, Detritus,” he said, standing aside.
Detritus looked at the horrible trophy and nodded.
“Yeah, dere used to be a lot of dat sort of fing in der old days,” he said calmly, putting down the luggage. “Dey wouldn’t be de real diamond teef, o’course. Day’d take dem out and put bigger glass ones in.”
“You don’t mind?” said Lady Sybil. “It’s a troll’s head! Someone actually mounted a troll’s head and put it on the wall!”
“Ain’t mine,” said Detritus.
“But it’s so horrible!”
Detritus stood in thought for a moment, and then opened the stained wooden box that contained all he had felt it necessary to bring.
“Dis is de old country, after all,” he said. “So if it’d make you feel better…”
He pulled out a smaller box and rummaged among what appeared to be bits of rock and cloth until he found something yellowy-brown and round, like a shallow cup.
“Should’ve bunged it away,” he said, “but it’s all I got to remember my old granny by. She kept fings in it.”
“It’s a bit of human skull, isn’t it,” said Vimes, at last.
“Yep.”
“Whose?”
“Anyone ask dat troll dere his name?” said Detritus, and the glint in his eye had a brittle edge to it for a moment. Then he carefully put the bowl away. “Tings were diff’rent in dem days. Now you don’t chop our heads off an’ we don’t make drums outa your skin. Everyt’ing is hunky-dory. Dat’s all we have to know.”

– they tell us things are better now | Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant

anonymous asked:

Unintentional anon here 🙌🏻 just meant that they didn't film the Harry ad and put it on hold waiting patiently for Cheryl's elephant term-like pregnancy to end. They used the situation to their advantage though, afterall, hype is hype is hype

I completely agree that that would be insane. 

HOWEVER, given that Cheryl has used this pregnancy for as much promo as possible and that Liam and Harry are under the same management (Dawbell), I would not put it past them to announce the birth on the day they announce the album release. 

Nowhere in this post does it say that the baby was born today, or have the typical date/time of birth that accompanies some traditional forms of birth announcements. 

I didn’t take this announcement to mean that the baby was born today. 

Oh I just looked at Cheryl’s IG and…

Can nothing be normal? Why is that the only photo they have? Why is it a photo of a polaroid photo?? Whatever. But yeah, they conveniently waited until today, not even until actual Mother’s Day, which is tomorrow, to release this on the day that Harry drops the news about his album. 

I would like nothing more than to be genuinely happy for life events that happen to the members of One Direction, but this pregnancy was announced by DAN WOOTTON, this relationship was called out as a PR stunt from the beginning, and the idea of Cheryl and Liam having a baby was (if even possible) even more ludicrous than Louis’ baby that they announced before the end of the first trimester in that they announced that they were trying to have a baby before she was apparently pregnant, not to mention before she was even divorced. What 24 year old is trying to get the woman they just started dating pregnant immediately? 

Just, take a step back and think about if this was anyone but Liam. Imagine if they tried this with Harry. Granted, Harry is obsessed with babies, but shouldn’t the fact that Harry is OBSESSED WITH BABIES, and that it’s dismissible that Harry “hates” the rest of 1D enough to make the fact that Harry has never once mentioned Louis or Liam having a child strange?? 

NO ONE from 1D has said anything to Liam! Not even “fellow 1D dad” Louis. Who probably could have taken time out of his busy tweeting about Ultra schedule to at least be like, “Congrats, mate!” Zayn, who is still at the very least amicable from a public perspective with Liam hasn’t said anything. And Noll, who rushed out to very publicly buy Ben Winston’s baby a gift and take photos with it, has stayed silent as well. I say “Babygate 2.0″ because this is almost exactly what happened last time, just with a bit less of “what the actual fuck” that came with the Granny announcement and the Sunglasses Hut pap walk and the “Daddy Daddy Cool” but still very, very, strange nonetheless. 

I wouldn’t be like 

if it all didn’t seem so incredibly, well, fake. 

Hooked on Cookies

Masterlist     Mobile Masterlist

Request - Could you do a Harry x Daughter of scar reader Person A: “Get down from there!” Person B: *up in something* “No!!” Person A: “I’m going to call the police” Person B: “ Go ahead! I’ll fight them!!” Person A: “I have cookies” Person B: *gets down and grabs cookies* “I totally would’ve fought them” Person A: “I know you would have”
Requested by - Anonymous
Tags - None
Word Count - 1, 190
Pairing - Harry Hook x Reader (Daughter or Scar)
Warnings - Fluff and the slightest language
Summary - I changed police to Uma’s crew because they are on the Isle and let’s face it there aren’t any police on the Isle of the Lost


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Animal Experts

Here’s my fic for the Seasons @kagehinaficzine! I got to collaborate with @k-a-r-o-1221 – for the season of spring, we came up with a Wildlife Park AU ^^ 


It’s dark out when Kageyama’s alarm goes off, but he shoves his blankets off his legs and yawns, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. In an hour, he’s dressed and out his front door.

A little before seven on that mild April morning, he’s hustling into work. A few staff members raise a hand in greeting, though he doubts they remember his name. Most wouldn’t even notice the absence of one lowly grad intern. He probably could have gotten a little extra shut-eye, if he’d wanted to sleep in. But he’s got a job to do.

He opens the door to his first appointment of the morning and is immediately greeted by a blast of sound that practically blows his hair back, a loud trumpet call.

“Good morning,” he says, to the five hundred pound baby elephant, already waiting to start its day off on the right foot. Very literally—Kageyama lays out all his tools necessary for their daily foot care routine.

The job is as tough as the elephant’s leathery skin, but it’s just one small part of his work at the Wildlife Rehabilitation Park and Zoo. The acres of land owned by the park are home to dozens of species, all of them in need of a little more care than they’d otherwise get out in the wild. The baby elephant was abandoned by its mother at birth and would have died, but it was rescued by the park. In four months, it will be flown back to Africa, where a team will help facilitate its reintroduction into the herd. Kageyama will miss it, but the other animals will keep him very busy.

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sois-belle-a-ta-facon  asked:

Mabey Adrien and Marinette going for a swim?

How about swimming and playing with elephants? Imagine Adrien excitedly pulling Marinette to a spring telling her it’s “bath time, bath time, bath time!” Marinette goes along with him because of course she does, but when they get there, she finds that elephants are there and she stops.

“Um…mon minou?” she asks, eyes wide in equal parts wonder and trepidation. “There are elephants there…”

“Yes,” he nods. “Elephants!”

“Uh…maybe we should wait for them to finish– Adrien what are you doing?

But Adrien is already whooping as he jumps into the water in a canonball. The elephants trumpet when he makes an impressive splash, and when Adrien breaks to the surface, a laugh happily bursts from his throat.

“My Lady, bath time!” he calls to the gaping Marinette.

It takes some more convincing before Marinette steps into the water. Elephants are magnificent, beautiful creatures, but they are huge oh my goodness gracious and it’s only when Adrien’s warm hand grasps her own that Marinette realizes she’s shaking.

“It’s okay,” he says, guiding her into the water, “I got you.”

She’s still nervous, but she keeps her eyes on his as she follows his lead.

If he says it’s okay, Marinette decides, then it’s okay.


More Feral!Adrien AU here!

Soulmates 3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AJ STYLES!!!! HERE’S CHAPTER 3 OF YOUR SERIES!!!!

OKAY. Hear me out. I LOVE WRITING FLUFF WITH AJ SO MUCH! It took me forever to write this because I’m struggling with this OC’s personality and how she responds to all this one-on-one time with AJ. Anyway, hope y’all like it. 

Summary: OC (reader inserted) and AJ spend the night in a shared bed in a hotel room together.  
Word count: 3039 (sorry not sorry.)
Warnings: Fluffed fluff. Mention of abuse. Mention of divorce. Wrassling.

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Master List

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Chapter Three: Sparks

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