vin for the win

cocked & loaded [dwayne johnson/vin diesel]

okay, so if i were to write the academy award-winning and world peace-establishing screenplay where Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel slowly fall in love, this is what it would look like:

  • vin and dwayne would be bitter Rival Agents for an intelligence agency. both would be up for a Big Promotion.  they would both be working together (but against each other) on something something black market mafia.  the mafia would be involved.  they would be VERY CLOSE to cracking this case.  
  • whoever cracks the case gets the promotion! because things like this are always very clear-cut in movies.  and whoever gets the promotion is the Better Agent, and it’s settled forever.
  • what they don’t expect is when they finally go in to make the Big Bust on The Family is that the Big Players will still be at large–and there will be a BABY.  
  • the baby will fall into agency custody, and will require surveillance in a remote safehouse.
  • “i need YOU TWO to pretend and be this baby’s GAY DADS to protect the baby and keep The Family off our tail while we close in on them,” says Head Intelligence Captain Lupita Nyong’o.  
  • dwayne and vin and baby are begrudgingly moved to a suburb of provincetown, massachusetts. cut to shot of a FOR SALE sign being pulled down, a ford fusion hybrid pulling up behind a moving van.  dwayne and vin step out.  they are both wearing muscle shirts and mirror-lensed aviators.  dwayne grabs a baby bag, throws it over his shoulder.  vin grabs the car seat out of the back, and both of them walk-slow motion up the side walk to their new 800k beach house.  
  • here’s what they expect: passive aggressive co-existence for a couple of weeks, where they try to be the Better Dad in a bid for the promotion they both want.  dwayne will go jogging with the baby every morning!! vin will wear her in a sling when he goes to the farmer’s market and smiles at the vendors while feeling up avocados and selecting fresh caught filets of fish!! 
  • here’s what they don’t expect: their next door neighbors are going to be Channing Tatum and Idris Elba and their five beautiful, interracial babies.  they are the perfect Gay Family, but “also,” dwayne says, pushing vin inside from where he’s been grilling steaks and drinking MILLER out of a CAN in broad daylight for the Real Gay Family to see and call over from their patio!!! “these guys are the REAL DEAL.  they’re gonna know something’s up!  i know we’ve had our beef, but we gotta step our game up and work together if we’re gonna make this operation work.”  
  • “you’re right,” vin says.  he’s nodding, looking at a ground, but then up and meeting dwayne’s gaze. “you’re RIGHT.” they’re gonna make this partnership work!!! they are going to be the BEST GAY DADS.
    • CUT TO: vin and dwayne staring at the king sized mattress in the master bedroom.  “i can just–” vin says, but dwayne grabs him by the shoulder and shakes it playfully.  “no man,” he says. “it’s all in or nothing.” 
    • CUT TO: them jogging together with baby playfully squealing from her stroller early in the morning.  
    • CUT TO: vin playfully feeding dwayne grapes at the farmer’s market.  “it’s all or nothing,” he repeats, raising his eyebrows (???? eyebrow folds? idk man). dwayne rolls his eyes and TAKES THE BITE.  
  • CUT TO: channing tatum in monogrammed shorts and pink polo and boat shoes on their front door step with one of his many perfect, precious toddlers on his shoulders, asking them to dinner.  “uh yeah,” dwayne says, cool as a cucumber. he’s not freaking out (he’s totally freaking out!!).  “we’ll bring the wine.”
  • “we’ll bring the wine?” vin repeats, in a hushed voice so the neighbors and baby don’t hear them fighting. “do you know anything about wine? they probably have a second house in france!  i haven’t had anything that didn’t come from a box since–since ever! what were you thinking?” “i panicked!  it seemed like the right thing to say!” 
    • TIRES SCREECH as the ford focus hybrid drifts into the whole foods parking lot.  
  • they show up out of breath, foreheads glistening, with baby in her favorite babybjorn, feet kicking from the day’s excitement of wine shopping.  vin, wheezing, passes a bottle of red and a bottle of white.
    • “oh, a chateau coutet barsac,” idris says with a chuckle, showing the label to channing. “remember that time–?” and oh my GOD, they have inside jokes!! 
    • (”we don’t have any inside jokes!!” dwayne whispers when they immediately excuse themselves halfway through a tour of the house. “that’s because you are the least funny person i know!” vin replies. “god, i hate you!!!” they both probably hiss at each other.)
  • the worst and best part of the night is when they’re serving the roast veg salad, and channing says with the best intentions, “so, how did you two meet?”
    • “uh,” vin says.
    • “the gym,” dwayne says. which, actually turns out to be true.  they look at each other, smile soft and genuine for once at each other, REMEMBERING. before they were BITTER RIVALS, they met at the academy gym and were GYM BUDDIES.  they used to have FUN trying to beat each other’s PR on the treadmill, they used to LOVE shit talking each other when they spotted each other bench pressing, they used to snap towels at each other’s asses in the locker room and totally not check each other out or anything!!! and then they were both accepted to the same position at work and they stopped being friendly for whatever reason.  they stop smiling, they look away from each other.  “anyway.”
    • “we met building houses for habitat for humanity,” idris offers, because of COURSE THEY DID.
  • the second worst part of the night is when channing mentions during the dessert course that two weeks from now is the annual May Day Homeowner’s Neighborhood Block Party Crab Cookoff, and maybe dwayne and vin would like to host to get to know everyone else in the neighborhood! 
  • vin has had like, three more glasses of wine than everyone else, and with aid of liquid confidence, shrugs his shoulders and leans back in his chair and says, “yeah, man, we’d love to.”
    • “’yeah, man, we’d love to?’” dwayne repeats when they’re walking home, baby asleep in her bjorn. 
    • “sorry, did you want me to give ourselves away? what happened to being the best? we’re trying to be believable!” 
    • “yeah,” dwayne says, watching vin strip off his shirt and pants and toss them over his shoulder into their spare hamper before crawling into their bed.  it’s routine.  they both have their sides of the bed.  “believable.”
    • the bedroom is quiet as they face away from each other at the edges of the mattress.  eventually dwayne asks, “do you remember why we stopped being friends?”
    • for a second he thinks maybe vin’s gone to sleep.  but he turns over.  “no,” he says.  “or yeah, maybe. as soon as i realized we would both be seeing action, it became too much of a risk.  friendship.  it was easier to lose you as a friend on my terms than lose you as a friend because you got your dumbass killed.”
    • they decide to be friends again.  you know, for the baby.  for work. whatever.  
  • they get so caught up in planning the May Day Homeowner’s Neighborhood Block Party Crab Cookoff, making inside jokes and ignoring the increasing casual physical intimacy between them that they don’t realize they are BEING WATCHED.
  • the mafia is HERE and they want their BABY and they want dwayne and vin DEAD.  
  • the M.D.H.N.B.P.C.C happens and everything is going according to plan, and they are about to have dwayne judge the bisque portion of the competition, but no one has seen dwayne anywhere!!!!
  • are there warehouses in provincetown??? is there a bad part of provincetown??? anyways, that’s probably where the mafia took dwayne.  vin is FREAKING OUT, how does he save dwayne??? how does he protect the baby, who they are using dwayne as ransom for??? who will judge the bisque portion of the crab cookoff???
  • idris puts a hand on his shoulder.  he’s been watching the entire time.  “i’ll take the baby into our panic room–” OF COURSE THEY HAVE A PANIC ROOM, “and channing will judge the bisque portion of the crab cookofff.  you go save your man.”
  • CUT TO: vin getting geared up to go out and kick some mafia ass, entering their walk-in closet and grabbing GUNS and a BULLET PROOF VEST and lacing up his L.L BEAN MEN’S GORETEX LEATHER BOOTS.  
  • vin takes out the entire warehouse-or-whatever of mafia lackeys and comes across dwayne tied up and blindfolded.
  • “who’s there!” dwayne demands, like he’s ready to fight despite himself.  vin takes three strong steps forward and grabs him by the back of the head and pulls him in for a kiss.  “guess who,” he replies.  dwayne smiles.
  • just then the Final Boss shows up as dwayne is being untied and like, something dramatic happens or whatever, but it’s okay.  they die or go to jail or something, it doesn’t really matter, because dwayne and vin are in LOVE and they’re gonna adopt the hell out of that baby.
  • CUT TO: a month later.  Head Intelligence Captain Lupita Nyong’o is disappointed when vin won’t accept his promotion.  
  • “i would,” he says, heavily decorated for saving dwayne in the field and taking down the mafia family.  “but the code of conduct says that it would be a conflict of interest if i was my husband’s supervisor.” BAM! THE END.  THEY’RE MARRIED.  WORLD PEACE UNLOCKED.   DONALD TRUMP IMPEACHED.  EVERYONE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Este tío acaba de inventar los tonos polifónicos para la bocina del coche.

Porque no es lo mismo pitar para avisar, que pitar para quejarte… mis Vin Diesels.

Fast and Furious 24

The year is 40XX, Vin Deisel has been moving his consciousness from one android body to the next for thousands of years to pursue his favorite pastime past his death, drag racing. Our Universe is invaded by interdimensional beings who love racing. They summon the greatest racers in the universe to participate in a death race around the cosmos.

The planet earth is outfitted with giant engines, wheels, and a comically small steering wheel. Vin Deisel is chosen as earth’s champion racer. Sitting upon a very very very tall chair Vin Diesel must pilot the earth in the race to save mankind.

Alien species from across the universe also participate in the race. Moving at the speed of light the racers take off. Each racer fights for the survival of their galaxy.

Vin Deisel knows the only way he can win is to take a shortcut through a wormhole. Vin Deisel fears that going through the wormhole could rip him, the planet and everyone on it to shreds. But he does it anyway and it works.

In the wormhole Vin Deisel sees CGI Paul Walker’s ghost and says “Cgi Paul Walker’s ghost you are my family you are the only family I have” and CGI Paul Walker’s ghost gives him a knowing smile and a wink. Vin Deisel makes it out the other side of the wormhole and wins the race.

Movie set for release in 2104 (runtime 23 minutes)

*me after watching Furious 7*

Friend: “How are you?”

Me: “The words haven’t even been invented yet.”

Teacher: “Why didn’t you write your paper?”

Me: “The words haven’t even been invented yet.”

*friend falls down on the street*

Me: “The street always wins.”


People laugh when Vin Diesel says Furious 7 should win Best Picture

Yet, where is the lie in what Vin said? When was it decided that a film that’s action and fun and ridiculous and delivers exactly what the audience wants isn’t worthy to receive an Oscar? That only films made as oscar bait and biopic and deep dark adult stories get to win? That best movies have to somehow adhere to a certain style and clique?

Shouldn’t a best film simply be a movie that delivers exactly what the audience wants no matter what genre or style? Shouldn’t a best film simply be a movie that does what it intends to well?

Why can’t a film be fun mega blockbuster and shove popcorn in your face kind of film yet still be the best? Who decided that fun and best had to be mutually exclusive?

Why can’t Furious 7, a film that delivers all the crazy action and executes well what the audience wants to see and have fun and enjoy yet still be elegant and poignant in its respectful handling of the loss of a star, be a Best Picture contender?

This film had to brave through such a huge tragedy, this cast and crew had to deal with huge emotional trauma yet they made a film that is both excitingly crazy and simply poetic, why isn’t it worthy of an award for what they managed to achieve?

Rarely any film in history has had to deal with this kind of trauma and pressure yet Furious 7 rose above all that and delivered a hugely memorable film, isn’t that worthy of being the best?


Vin Diesel & Paul Walker nominated for BEST ON-SCREEN DUO

Vin Diesel and the late Paul Walker has been nominated in the BEST ON-SCREEN DUO category for Fast and Furious 6 at the 2014 MTV Movie Awards.

I am imploring everyone, not just the Fast and Furious fans, but everyone, to please vote for Vin and Paul and give them the much deserved win.

It’s not that every other nominees in the category doesn’t deserve it or aren’t good enough, in fact, they are all wonderful. But Vin and Paul has carried the Fast and Furious franchise for 14 years since their first day on set in 1999 to the day Paul passed away in 2013. They’ve seen the franchise through all the ups and downs together, from its humble beginnings to its now global success, and through it all remained brothers and each other’s other half.

12 years ago in 2002, they went on stage together to accept the award for Best On-Screen Duo for the very first Fast and Furious film, and now 12 years later, let’s make their last completed film together count too. They have truly earned this win through all their hard work.

Let’s get Vin Diesel to that stage and show him, the Fast cast and crew, and Paul’s family and friends, just how much we appreciate everything both Vin and Paul and the franchise have given us. Let’s show Vin and the Fast Family that Paul’s legacy is in good hands.

The cast is back going back to filming Fast 7 this month without their brother at their side and it won’t be an easy road - so let’s give them our support and something good for them to hold onto for strength.

Please everyone, let’s give Vin and Paul this win!

Let’s make Paul proud!

VOTE HERE - vote as many times as you can!

Voting starts today to the day of the ceremony!

The award ceremony will be held on Sunday - April 13, 2014 at 9/8c in the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles.



In 2002, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker took to the stage together to accept the award for Best On-Screen Team for the very first Fast and Furious film.

In 2013, Vin and Paul returned, this time along with Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster, as the original Fab Four of the franchise took to the stage together and presented the award for Best Breakthrough Performance.

And now in 2014, 12 years since their last win, Vin and Paul have been nominated once again for Best On-Screen Duo, now for Fast and Furious 6!

And while Paul will not be taking the stage alongside Vin should they win this time, it doesn’t mean we should fight any less to make sure Vin gets the chance to be on that stage to honor Paul’s memory and legacy!

Paul may be gone but his spirit is still here with us, let’s go make him proud and bring this award home!