All the bright places

The thing about me is, I dream about death. I am always fascinated on the idea of death. Everyday, I think on ways to die. But I don’t actually try and kill myself. I just think of ways how to die.

I like to jump.

No, I LOVE to jump.

I like the flying feeling when I jump. I feel that I’m invincible and I can do anything. I like standing in high places and just look down and feel superior to everyone.

The reason why I loved this book is because I felt connected to Finch. I felt all his pain.

The feeling of being lost.

The feeling of being alone.

The feeling of being no one.

I never felt being alive. I just exist without an exact reason why.

I am not alive. I am just existing.

I can be gone now and no one will notice.

That’s how I used to think everyday.

And sometimes, I still do.

People might think that I completely lost it, maybe they’re right. Maybe this is just how my mind works.

It’s not that I chose to be like this. I tried so hard to change but sometimes when there is nowhere to go, all I do is go to a high place and just look down.

No, I don’t plan to kill myself.

I don’t want to become a disappointment to my parents, again. So I’m trying to be alive not just existing

And I hope, everyone will do the same.

An explanation of sorts

No doubt you’re wondering why my URL is ‘yourjesterdied’ and the title of my blog is 'Glasgow Smile’. I’ve had a real fascination with maniacal hilarity, fairly recently, due to some franchises I’m interested in.

The URL is just a personal opinion of mine. I feel that many of the people I know take life really seriously and pretend to live in the moment. The URL is just my overall opinion that humour is dying along with spontaneity. As I grow up I’ve started to get more and more bored of those around me.

Perhaps I just need some new experiences. “Glasgow Smile” was inspired by Kefka Palazzo and the Joker. They convey the idea of maniacal hilarity and even the charade people put on in order to appear as being fun/amused. The way I’ve always perceived myself was extremely different to the 'established order of things’ but not quite 'anti-establishment’. I enjoy viewing things from the outside, observing the systems at work, and then trying to interfere with them for amusement… it sounds a lot more evil than it is. Many people do this but they don’t admit it to themselves or to others; they can chalk it up to something like a “douchebag reflex’ or some shit like that.

I feel that I’m different in this way - I tend to embrace all of it. Almost recklessly.

I really hate it when people ask me if I believe in god. First off, why does it matter? Why should that change things so much that its such an important question to have the answer to? Secondly no, I don’t believe in god. I believe in the beauty of the night sky and how right it is to tell someone you love them. I believe in letting people hold you and letting them see that one part of you that really scares you. I believe in the magic of autumn and the importance of laughing so hard no sound comes out. I believe in always telling people what they mean to you because you never know when they might be gone. I believe in being true to you and trying your best to navigate the crazy path that all of us go down. I believe in mistakes and messing up and trying very hard to fix things, even if it doesn’t always work. Which it won’t. But mostly, I believe in appreciating everything around us because you never know what is going to change your life. No I don’t believe in god, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. We believe in different things, and I don’t see why that makes me so bad.

Dear Noone

What is love?

As a person who has never experienced love I find myself unable to answer such a question, yet answers seem to spring to mind.

The way movies, tv shows and the media have influenced us into thinking what love should be is beyond what I could possibly express.

But in an example when asked this question I can say, kissing in the rain, growing old together, talking until midnight cuddling under the sheets while the world continues with their own bust lives and ours stand still for a moment. 

These are all ideals about love that society has placed into my brain since a young age. Since the days of disney and princesses, since the day of titanic and the notebook. All these epic love stories have been created to allow audiences to escape from their own lives and watch a perfectly scripted love story play out before their eyes. 

However what the audience tends to forget is that these stories are made up and so are the characters, some people spend their lives looking for their prince charming when in reality he doesn’t exist and the fact that we watch these stories to escape from our own lives tends to suggest that this version of love truly doesn’t exist. 

All you hopeless romantics out there can tell me that it does and that you and your boyfriend are the exception and I’m not saying I’m against love, I’m just saying that it’s hard to imagine anything ever being like the movies, the fantasy if you will in real life in the reality we live in as I’ve never been in love, yet what surprises me is my attitude and ability to act like I am an except in the field when friends ask for advice. 

What do I know? I’m not a member of their relationship. I’ve never been actively in love so how can I give advice on a subject matter that I’ve only heard about through another person’s perspective and experience because essentially that’s what movies are. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is why does society build such a high standard on something so simple, since when did all love stories have to be so complicated and complex like the movies? In my mind it alienates it form it’s original purpose to bring two people together in away I guess neither can describe.

Although what do I know, hey noone