Robert Small Headcanons You’d Have to Pry Out of My Cold, Dead Hands.
BECAUSE I AM A GLUTTON FOR PAIN.
[ROBERT’S STORY SPOILERS]
He loves classic films, as well as films that he felt should’ve
win the academy awards if they didn’t already. He stays for the credits even
for the worst piece of garbage movies he’s ever seen.
Before his alcoholism, Robert had loved the concept of
documenting the little things in life. It developed after his admiration for
the art of filmmaking really took off.
When he was first married to Marilyn, he’d carry around his
old ass 1985 shoulder-mounted camcorder and film her doing mundane things:
cooking, setting the dinner table, looking out at the view from their Brooklyn
apartment, waking up in the morning, etc.
In the beginning, Robert took videos of Val when she was a
baby up until she was 5 or 6 (when his alcoholism started eating up his life
and changed around his priorities). He liked to document everything going on in
White Zinfandel was Marilyn’s favorite drink. It’s the only
fruity drink that Robert will have, and it’s one that often soothes him on his
Robert always told Val that he would do things with her and
take her places and almost never follow through with these plans, but he never
made promises that he knew he couldn’t keep.
He likes to watch bad movies ironically every once in a
while (think The Room, Troll 2, Birdemic:
Shock and Terror, etc.). He gets a kick out of the incompetence. You bet
your ass he has drinking games for them.
Hypersexual Robert thinks that on his worst nights he needs
just a warm body to keep his demons away, but really his repressed emotional tension
is craving reassurance and a hand to hold when going through dark tunnels.
Mary Christiansen is definitely one of the people that
helped him slowly get out of rock bottom, and despite feeling like he could
never ever fully repay her for it, Robert returns the favor whenever he can. They
pick each other up when they’re down, and they trust each other full-heartedly.
He tries his best to take care of Betsy the way that he feels
he should’ve done for Val, to try and make up for his past mistakes in his
first life. And he’s doing amazingly.
Robert and MC definitely start to document their cryptid
hunting adventures as their friendship progresses.
After Robert starts his recovery, and when he feels
comfortable being more than friends with MC, he goes back to wanting to
document everything again. He gives Amanda tips on how to capture life through
He definitely documents MC (or anyone else you just so
happen to ship him with, spread the love!) doing mundane things when they’re a
full-fledged couple, exactly like he’d used to with Marilyn. Old ass
shoulder-mounted camcorder and all.
He blasts Tom Waits on long car rides and unabashedly sings
along as loud as he possibly can. Even if someone else is with him in the truck
(HOIST THAT RAG, MOTHERFUCKERS).
Also, last one, sexually versatile Robert Small is my kink.