vietnamese creation

Sooooo... I’ve been reading Vietnamese Creation Myths...

In one of them, 

A deity and his men are on their way to meet up with the deity’s bride-to-be.  It’s their wedding day.

And they come across a bridgeless river. 

So the deity uses his… penis as the bridge for his men. Then one of his men accidentally stabs the penis with a kindling and it causes the deity to jump and the men to fall into the river. Luckily, the fiancee rescues them.

And the wedding goes on without incident. 

No point to serve much of the creation story.

BUT IT GETS WEIRDER 

In another creation myth, humans were not designed with sex organs. The Gods made asexual beings. That was how the population increased. They just made one asexual after another.

But then humans realized they could use the parts of animals…

So the men took the phallus of the lizards.

Women took the vagina of the toads.

And when women get pregnant, they had no childbirth hole. Their child had to be ripped from their wombs - freakin’ C-section.

A god notices that a man is looking for a rattan cord, a burial shroud as he was preparing for his wife’s death by C-section. 

And god goes, “Wait, if the mama dies, who breastfeeds the baby?”

And the man goes, “The baby will sucks its father’s knees.”

The god is like, no no no, that’s not a way a baby should be raised.

So the god hands the man a plant bulb and devises a way for the man to use the bulb so the mother can have a safer childbirth (the translation wasn’t all that clear but it’s implied that’s where the mother could give birth without C-section). 

And he gives the human guy a good lecture on cutting the umbilical cord, caring for the baby, washing his wife, cooking for his wife, rubbing grass on the baby, and naming the baby.

ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE GETS A BURNT DICK

IN THE BEGINNING THE MASSIVE FUCKING GIANT KHONG LO SEPARATES THE EARTH FROM THE SKY WITH A BIG PILLAR. ONCE THAT SEEMS TO BE FIXED, HE SMASHES UP THE  PILLAR TO CREATE MOUNTAINS AND THEN GOES AROUND MAKING FUCK TONNES OF NEW SHIT LIKE ANY GOOD CREATOR DOES.

ONE DAY A LADY GIANT SUDDENLY APPEARS, AND OF COURSE KHONG LO WANTS TO TAP THAT. THE LADY GIANT IS BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN KHONG LO AND SAYS SHE’LL ONLY MARRY HIM IF HE COULD BEAT HER IN A FUCKLOAD OF CHALLENGES.

SHE BEATS HIM EVERY TIME BUT STILL THINKS KHONG LO IS A SEXY MOTHERFUCKER AND MARRIES HIM ANYWAY.  DURING THESE BULLSHIT CONTESTS THEY CREATE THE REST OF THE WORLD AND IT’S SUPER CUTE. ALSO THEY’VE BEEN FUCKING FOR A WHILE AND HAVE A SHIT TONNE OF KIDS.

ON THE WAY TO THEIR WEDDING CEREMONY THERE’S A MASSIVE FUCKING RIVER IN THE WAY. THE WEDDING GUESTS (THEIR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS) CAN’T CROSS BECAUSE THEY’RE TINY AND DON’T WANT TO GET WET. TO SOLVE THIS, KHONG LO WHIPS OUT HIS GIANT DICK AND THE GUESTS USE IT AS A BRIDGE.

ONE OF THE FAMILY IS A COMPLETE SHIT-BUCKET AND POURS HOT ASHES ON KHONG LO’S DICK. PRO TIP: IF YOU’RE GOING TO A FAMILY WEDDING DON’T POUR HOT ASHES ON THE GROOM’S DICK. THAT’S JUST NOT COOL.

KHONG LO JUMPS UP IN PAIN AND THE CHILDREN ALL FALL IN THE RIVER. MOMMA GIANT PICKS THEM ALL UP AND DRIES THEM OFF AND EVERYTHING’S FINE.