victara

My Response

My response to the quote:

“Your body is the house you grew up in, how dare you try to burn it down.”

I don’t care if I grew up in this

Horrendous shack of despair

I don’t care if it made me who I am

I don’t want to look in the mirror and want to die

I don’t want to count the tally marks

I left on my skin

Counting all the days I was tired

Of being trapped in my personal prison

That caged me in with all the venomous thoughts caressing my neck

Telling me everything I needed to hear to want to escape

I don’t want to count the places I wish the blade had dug deeper

Because this I am so tired of feeling this way

Of feeling so terrified

So lost

So wounded

So degraded

I don’t want to be reminded of his vile hands on this cell

I don’t want to be reminded of the threats

Of the pain he forced on me

Of the bruising I had to hide from any overly curious eyes

From the violation he inflicted upon me

I don’t want to pick myself apart

And find every reason I

am not good enough for myself

I don’t want to be reminded of

Throwing myself at anyone who would take me

And push me into the bed

So far I thought I ceased to exist

I don’t want to want to rip off my skin

So I can slide into something more comfortable

Something better suited to survive

I don’t want to continue shrugging off

Those days, where I want to die, as a normal occurrence.

I don’t want to want to be someone else

I don’t want to not want to be me

I don’t want to want to be dead.

So how dare I burn the house I grew up in down?

How dare you question me.

I will tear myself apart

I will douse these decrepit walls in acetone

I will drop the match

And I will stand in the center of the blaze

All the years of pain

All the years of crying

Of wanting die

All the bruising

All the scarring

And the bleeding

All the things that crumbled the foundation this house sat upon

Will be gone

I will douse myself in kerosene

And swallow the fire just to spit it on my hollowed and abandoned frame

I will burn my childhood hiding hole to the ground

I will reduce it to ash

Because I will make something better

I will make something beautiful

Something I can be proud of

Something I will let myself grow into

Something I can accept

And just like a Phoenix it will rise from the ashes

New and beautiful

I will raise the new walls

And redecorate the interior of my mind

Instead of wanting to blow the contents all over the ceiling

All scars erased

I will make it safe

But tougher than before

So that when the torrential waves

That life tries to throw at me

Try to break me down

I will be the only thing left standing

I will see myself as worthy of the life I live

So yes

I grew up here

And yes

I will burn it to the ground

Because who stays where they grew up their entire life?

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