very difficult

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A painting of my cousin and her fiancé, who met while studying birds in Australia, commissioned by another cousin as a gift. Rosellas are their area of expertise, but I couldn’t help going all out researching and adding Australian birds until the drawing was packed with them - they’re just too amazing *__*

As a little extra gift I made the little ink and watercolour bonus images below; one for Leonie & Raoul with rosellas and fairy wrens, and one for tea-expert Marjolein - thanks so much again for this sweet commission <3

people keep telling me i look “healthy,” is all great and good and yes thank you very much, but some of these people are the same people who applauded me for being stick thin and asked me for “diet” and exercise advice. 

like, its so wild, i can’t even. 

I’m not trying to put anyone down, because I’m guilty of this too, applauding other’s for their diet and fitness routines when it was very obvious they were not taking care of themselves.  this is a very difficult world to try and navigate.  In the beginning I was asking for advice from people who were proudly restricting calories and feeling powerful myself for being able to restrict so well and see such “great” results. I was weighing the amount of calories i burned directly to what I “allowed” myself to eat.  As if an app can tell me what my body needs. How many wasted hours meticulously putting in exactly how many grams of this and that went into my carefully crafted lunch and feeling bad when I added a single Dum Dum lollipop or a piece of gum because of the sugar content.    

The deeper i get into my recovery the grosser I feel about this.  For unknowingly perpetuating a damaging “fitspo” attitude and lifestyle without ever really meaning to.  at the height of my ED i did not look “good” and i was absolutely miserable.  My brain genuinely did not work correctly and I did not want to be alive.  gaining weight seemed like the most terrible thing in the world. why? WHY is this so embedded in our brains?  it feels like an absolute failure.  it makes me feel like im crawling out of my skin. pushing the boundaries of my pants, feeling too much as they get tighter and feel more cramped.  I don’t fit into any of my clothes from last year and it feels like I’m doing something wrong.  But how can nourishing yourself and even “indulging” be wrong?  why does growth and taking up more space make me feel like I’m not “right”?

The term “fitspo” has always not only bugged me to no end, but also frightened me.  in the past I have asked several people who reblogged my running and workout selfies to take “fitspo” out of their tags or asked certain blogs to delete their reblog totally because I didn’t want to be part of their content.  Even in that fear and differing ideals I was part of the problem… I put a vibe in the air that “clean eating” and “reward foods” were a normal way to live. and its just not.  weighing every meal and counting calories is just not a good way to live.  it plays into diet culture and seeps into your veins so deeply that you feel inadequate without it. and it cannot be maintained.  Even at my thinnest I was not happy with my body.  I could not see what others saw and not once did i believe my stomach wasn’t “at least a little pudgy”.  

I was happy when I was nourished and finding out what my body could do, but i lost myself somewhere along the way.  

I want to be clear that I am not demonizing working out and eating healthy. I still love being active and will always love being active.  It makes me feel GOOD and helps with my anxiety.  It even makes me feel closer with my dad because fitness has always been a part of his life.  Running will always be my thing and I will one day become friends with it again, but this time we will have a loving, balanced relationship. It wont be the end all be all. I wont work myself ragged so i can have some pizza and ice cream, but not end up getting the pizza and ice cream because i feel guilty and undeserving.  I want to on the couch for a few days and eat a box of cookies and not feel bad about it.  

you aren’t “dirty” for “indulging.”  You don’t have to be a certain size.  You just have to do what makes you feel good for yourself, not for anyone else.  you are not undeserving or too much or too big or too anything.  you deserve anything you want, big or small, and you don’t have to damage yourself in the process of achieving it.  

This is all just more evidence of the absolute warped worldview of diet and the female body and what is “normal” and “healthy” looking vs. what is to be praised.  Praise yourself for giving yourself what you not only need but WANT.  it is okay to want and have.  it is okay to be too much.   

This is why im SO thankful fro people like Kelly Roberts (Run, Selfie, Repeat), Meret Boxler (Life, Unrestricted), Summer Innanen (Fearless Rebelle Radio), Taryn Brumfitt (Embrace film),  Julie Duffy Dillon (Love, Food), and Virgie Tovar (Lose Hate Not Weight). And really, the list just goes on and on.  Because they are blooming right out in the light of day, taking up space and not shutting up. Not living in the shadows, or playing into any type of negative culture. and they GET IT.  they just really really get it. 

I’m not very eloquent about it but hopefully you get what i mean.  I could go on for years about this stuff.  and i will. 

anonymous asked:

could I have some bf hcs for Spain and Denmark?

Spain (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo)
- Is super open with his feelings at first. Though he’ll wait a little bit to confess.
- Good morning and goodnight texts that gives you sweet reasons to smile
- If you’re staying over he’ll wake up early to prepare you a good breakfast
- He’s all about semi-romantic dates. He’s not difficult to please, take him anywhere as long as it has some romance involved!
- It’s VERY difficult for him to read the atmosphere (he doesn’t try) so you really have to tell him if something is bothering you. When he realises, though, he’ll apologise to literally no end.
- Cute little gifts. Teddy bears, flowers.
- Whenever you cuddle, GRAB THE BOOTY JUST GRAB IT
- This fucker gets pretty kinky. His favourite thing is pirate play- where he’s the captain and his S/O is his little pet/prisoner
- Short, cute, but romantic kisses
- Very big on PDA. Hell yeah, kiss his cheek and his nose. GRAB THE BOOTY HE ACTUALLY LOVES IT

Denmark (Matthias Køhler)
- Tries to avoid confessing but one day it just slips
- He tries his best to send daily good morning/goodnight texts, he really does. He just gets distracted so easily!
- On the topic of texting, expect to be left on ‘read’ a lot. He doesn’t mean to do it! He just has soooo much stuff roaming in his mind he’ll start to reply but forget.
- He’ll send the text if it didn’t send and apologise so many times (he’s apologising over text every single day)
- Either arcade dates or just pillow fort dates with movies and pizza. Well, those are his favourite, anyhow.
- Cuddling with him to go to sleep is quite hard. He doesn’t like it when they fall asleep; he likes to talk to them!
- Not to mention he probably kicks them off the bed (unintentionally) or falls off the bed with them
- When things get steamy with him, he’s VERY dominant. He’ll (consensually) make you his little petslave.
- Also makes either a great daddy or little. Depends.
- He’s just a precious puppy and needs to he protected

anonymous asked:

I'm new to your following, and I'm glad you two were able to rely on each other during Cliff's recovery. That cannot have been easy.

Thank you. I’m glad we had each other too. It was very difficult, but so much easier going through it with someone you can depend on.

anonymous asked:

hi maddie!! do you have any tips for staying true to the original characterization?? (since your characterizatin is always on point TT)

Aww I’m glad you like my characterizations!! ^.^

I’d say that the most important thing is to have a grasp on the characters! This is simultaneously very difficult and very easy in Yuri!!! on Ice because the characters are so complex. I say difficult, because they’re not flat nor easy to write, but I also say simple because there are a lot of emotions and personality traits to work with!

I’d watch the show, read other people’s fics, maybe read some meta!! I’ll type up a little thing about each character below, idk if that will help at all. I believe that every writer interprets characters slightly differently, but that’s one of the lovely things about fanfiction!!

My manicurist: you know, you’re making this very difficult

Me, clenching and unclenching my fingers while forced to look at paul ryan’s insipid face: it’s completely subconscious I swear

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happy wednesday my dudes <3

(mila says something like “i want to take you to bed but don’t worry you wont’s sleep”, and georgi says “anya” :’) )

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Studio Ghibli movies directed by Hayao Miyazaki

Btw expecting a dog to be 100% perfect always from the day it’s born to adulthood isn’t very realistic. Puppies are difficult. Teenagers are difficult. It’s okay and you’re probably not doing anything wrong. I have to remind myself several times a day that I can love Góa, the teenage pupper, without loving everything she does. 
Just work through it and you’ll get there eventually. 

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smol™