Tidak Lagi Merupa 'Kita'

Melankoli menghampiri sekat.

Kamu dan aku tak lagi dekat.

Semua kembali seperti awal,

tidak bertegur sapa,

tidak saling lempar pandang,

tidak ada konstelasi merupa kenal.

Bukan. Ini bukan suatu kesalahan. Juga bukan suatu kemuslihatan.

Dulu, sekali kita pernah berteman.

Setidaknya masih berinteraksi,

menghargai satu sama lain.

Juga berbagi tawa, canda, pemikiran,

tak terbangun dinding pembatas.

Tapi kini… Semua hilang.

Kandas. Tanpa bekas.

Hanya serangkum tanya terperangkap jiwa.

Yang terkadang meradang,

jua menuntut untuk dikeluarkan.

Tak ada lagi senyum, apalagi kilatan antusiasme.

Sesakkan diam, hening isi kepala,

menyisakan aku dan kamu tanpa ‘kita’

Lantas, kemana perginya? Kemana muaranya?

Hanya berpuing kecil melesak menjadi partikel tak kasat mata.

Atau yang biasa disebut memori.

Selaput tipis penyimpan ingatan jangka panjang,

manis, yang buat hati teriris miris.


Paradigma Benak

Terkadang membayangkan kamu berada dalam masa depanku itu menyenangkan, menenangkan, mendambakan. Namun lantas aku selalu terbangun, tergugah sadar. Bahwa kamu mungkin hanya pangeran dalam mimpi. Kandas tiap kali kelopak mataku terbuka. Melebur debu ingatan. Terselisipi jarum penggerak kehidupan. 

…Hadirmu ada. Hanya saja aku tak mau mendamparkan diriku kembali dalam hal yang tak nyata.

This is weird.

There was a guy. A smart pupil. An ice man. The handsome one. The sweetest one. The cute one. The humble boy. The tall man. The…. Crap. He’s just undescriptable.

But, over of his goodness or badness, the most obviusly thing is: he always made me back in love without him to do nothing.

That’s what I called sincere.
Weird, isn’t it?


After long time–I Think–Finally.. we’ve met. Met as two people who mutually look face to face. But, somehow.. I wasn’t feeling right. I didn’t not feel really enjoy and excited like I used to before. It was really contradictary with my heart that always called up your name every night. 

I even did not truly look at your face. I just glance once at some people that walk towards my class and did not have an idea why this brain directly tought it was, you. I just walk away and over-thinking how came this reality occur.

But at the night, Guess what? I found myself thinking about you and our memories again and my heart got warm–like usual if I think about you. This things barely make me distress cause suddenly I got know nothing about me–my feeling–shockly.

Did you ever know? This is awry. All of these feeling is awry and the only thing I can do just got trapped inside of it.

Once again, this is awry.

#352 of 366

Hi There!

Today… Mmm… I just… Mmm.. Hehe, I’m just very happy. Why? Because Allah listened my pray to get closer with Venussio. Yep, today was semi final grand olympic and unfortunately my team lose. But, there was Venussio at that time who makes my lose mood gone. Hehehe.

M : *Open the paper* Bang toyib? *Then I’m just singing that song*

V : Wahahaha! *God, kill me please. He laughed.*

That was a very short-piece of memory. But I’m glad. I’m truly glad Allah can give that for me. Well, it’s been so long since I listened his laughs. So, today.. I really hope I can record it on my mind for long time ahead. But I do hope Allah can give me a lot of time in other of oppurtunities to get along with him more. Amin.

Today, eventough my class got no winning.. I’m still loving them. I’m still loving my class. Maybe, this is not our time. There must be a time for us to win a big competition later. Amin.

Sadly, I got many remedials. Geography, Biology, Japanese, History… And that made my mother really dissapoint. To be honest.. This first semester examination I got a bit lazy to learn my lessons. Maybe it because I joined some competitions outside of school and some stuffs that maybe undefinied(?) So, Mak.. Forgive me. I really promise that I will change in this 2nd semester and later!

Gotta go now. I have to learn biology in order to pass remedial. Wish me luck!


#351 of 366

Hi, there.

Today was Sunday. And I did not relax at home. I have more important duty to do. Guess what? Homework. 

Okay, eventough I have passed the first semester examination.. There are some Homework that have to be done. Just like this afternoon, I worked for my english homework, making a film.

Actually, with my friends I always can be happy eventough in a bad mood. But this afternoon.. Dunno why, I’m just feeling like flying somewhere not there. Guess why? Venussio.

Well, finally I realized that I am still not deserving him as my man. That’s for now. It’s all because… Mention.

Wawa : Rur, I think you have to use less of emoticon. I think that would be great.

Ghea : Yep, I agree with wawa. And then.. You should say something in short way too. Looking your conversation with his very-short-answers.. I just.. Mmm..

Yes, I know I’m crazy because I think about problem only in one point of view.. But.. Yep, I think I should belive them and get a lil change now. That’s for my goodness too. That’s.. Hell, I can not develop this paragraph anymore. This is hurt. Knowing that you’re very in love with someone who is not deserved to be yours. 

I learned something today.. That better or worse, we have to really ready to face truth. Do not try to avoid the truth. Do not dissapoint from the truth. Do not curse the truth. And the most important.. Do not give up because of truth. We always have time to process in better way in order to change something that not well-fixed, right?

Today, I’m driving myself crazy at home. How can? Because I imagined something that haven’t done yet. And that was too beautiful to just imagined in secs.

I imagined..

When finally I can get along with Venusio. Laughs with him. Have fun with him. Smiles each-other everyday. Takes adventure together. Tells everything that I thought. Says everything that I want to say.

When I can sit at the back seat of his motorcycle.

When he drives me home.

When he lends me his sweater.

When he comes to my home and my parents get along with him. 

When finally we can be couple. Holding hands. Caring each-other. Texting in whole day. Spends night just hearing his voice in call.

When finally.. This love gets a happy ending.

Am I too exaggerate and selfish to imagine all of them?
Am I too confidence to think about it?
Am I wrong to imagine it?
Am I not deserving to think kind of something like that? 

Whatdahell. I’m crying now.
That’s very hurt when you only can imagine something you wanna do without do nothing.
I am doing something.. But I have to be silent for a while first. I’m a woman. I can not always replied his mention first or another first move.

Once again.. Because of Venussio, I changed. I will change to the better me. I promise to be the best of me in order to be deserved as your woman.

But all of these would not make my dreams got graved. I’m not a woman who always think only love everyday. I got life too. I’m still having many big dreams and I wanna make it happen.

Be an astronom. Be a writer.. At least, I have to pass as the best student in smanisda.

But being with you.. is concluded to my dream too, now.

I hope tomorrow my team got winning in Grand Olympic. Help us, Ya Allah.
Good night.

#350 of 366

Hi, there!

I’m really feeling happy now. And there are so many reason why can I be like this. Lol.

This day, my school held competition to refreshing mind from the first semester examination. It called “Grand Competition” and there are 3 big events there. First, Grand Olympic. Second, Grand Futsal. Third, Green Class. And I was following the first event, Grand Olympic.

In this competition I with my 6 friends have to pass 4 post in order to win the first qualifying match. You have to know that I was really-truly-nerveous this morning, few moments before it started exactly. Moreover, Venussio was there as crew..

After wait till 10 a.m. Finally that was my class turn to fight. We competed with XI IA 5, senior class. 

At the first post, I and Ibrahim role this part. I was being his intructor while he got eye-covered in order to pin 3 hang balloons along a straight rope. In this section.. I really have to shout for command him. My voice even almost gone when I move to 2nd post.

At the second post, I and Ibrahim still role this part, along with my 3 friends that wait in sack. In this section, we have to choose one paper whose contains question to answer. If I’m wrong in answer, I have to got charcoal dab in face. Then after I and Ibrahim can answer it, my other 3 friends may move. 

At the third post, I fight with 6 friends completely, then. In this section, we have to walk together in circle rob which have to one walked.

At the fourth post, my team have to distribute hula hoop with our body. So we stood in straight row and moved the hula hoop by enter our body in it.

*By the way, I really feel that you got a lil confuse when read my sentences. No prob. I got confused too. lol.*

THEN FINISH! What a miracle from Allah that my class can win this match. Because of it, we have to fight again in Monday for quarter final. Hope we can do our best tomorrow monday!

After finishing match, I back to class and got pain feeling at my right-leg. It was really painful till I decided to go home soon because I can not handle it anymore. 

Anyway, actually.. Venussio didn’t interact with me a lot, today. He was taking care of second post periode 1. While my team got periode 2. That’s why I can not interact too much with him. I briefly got envy when he dabbed a girl face with charcoal. Oh, I wish that was me. lol. I wish next Monday I can interact with him more than today.

He didn’t look me at all. Sometimes, our eyes meet but.. Dunno why I and he always try to avoid it. Eventough, I can not dodge my heart that I still wanna look him a little bit longer. Or even.. Forever. But.. I’m just thinking that everything I’ve done towards him is awry and.. Okay, I can not develop this part anymore. 

To be honest, just thinking of him.. Made my heart got such a comfortable warmness directly. I truly enjoy this feeling. Moreover when Allah let us meet and he was similing.. Subhanallah, I just hope that I can froze that time and live forever there. 

Venussio.. Today–No, every single time of my prayers to Allah–I wish I really can be someone that can laugh, cry and share everything with you. Eventough I know that this will spend a lot times.. I always stand and believe, it will happen. Cause I know, the real Love is always having a happy ending.

Good Night, world

#349 of 366

Hi, there.

Today was travelling randomly I think. Very fast at morning and getting slow at the rest. 
Watched and laughed High School Debut with my friends..
Prepared ourself for face Grand Competiton tomorrow..
and the most dominant.. is shared many stories with my friend.

Well, I had a story.

Oliv was my friend in this senior high school. She can look ghost and dunno why, lately there was one of my senior-just calling him pets-texted her. Pets was a good friend of Venussio. And he knew a lot about him. Everything was going well till once evening, when Oliv text:

O : Do you know *….*?

P : Yep, I know. Why? Do you like him?

O : No. I don’t. My friend does.

P : God. Are you sure? He’s really “cool” and he seems do not have any interest with woman.

O : You’re so evil.

P : Who?

O : Just my course-mate.

P : Seriously? Who?

O : She is just my course-mate!

P : Or maybe.. you are the one who like him?

O : -___-

P : C'mon! Maybe I can make him be closer to her!

Till now, Oliv said that pets always asked her about it in their text. And fortunately, she talked to me about that and asked my permission for letting pets know or not.

Do you know what I think about?

To be honest.. I truly tought that this is my opportunity–If he finally interest to me too. But if he does not….

Lalak : My opinion.. I think you should tell pets about it!

Mitha : Well, I think better if it just like this. Now the problem is in him. You are comfort with this condition, right? Interacts at twitter.. Greets when meets each other..

Eriza : That’s all about you. If you are ready to face the truth, just tell pets. But if does not.. keep it like this.

Ghea : I think.. It’s better if you just be a secret lover. I mean.. This is too fast. Just let it flow and let him know by himself.

And now….. I’m still confuse to decide what the best for me. Well, if he doesn’t like me, I’m truly sure that I can not disappear this feeling easily.
But from my observation.. From my point of view.. I think I can get along with him because there are so many common things that actually we have together. Isn’t that gladly? 

He good at maths.. So do I.
He teaches his friends.. So do I.
He is such a hardworker.. So do I.
He likes owl city, taylor swift, raditya dika, bayu skak.. So do I.
And sometimes.. We tweeted same things that never we thought about together. 

So the problem just only about time. We just really need time to know each other.

But, I will not force him. Love can not be forced. Beside, I do not love him because I wanna be his girlfriend. So…

There is one conversation from my friend that really touched my heart. I didn’t realize that she knew me deeply, but yeah.. this is it

Wawa : Rur, the way you told stories about him was really different instead of another man who you ever like. You do not like him anymore, you love him, rur.

Still wondering.. How will your reaction if finally you know anout my feeling, Venussio?

Venussio Fartrusca Riordian

Have you ever tought what the form of Venus? 

From many sources that I’ve got, Venus which the 2nd closest planet to sun had thick atmosphere(cloud) that make astronom got difficult for research it. That’s why without provided materials, we can not know how is the surface of that “Morning star." 

The surface itself formed craters and active volcanoes. So it can be conclude that Venus had red surface. But everything’s there was covering by thick cloud which looked white and plain from the outside. That’s why.. For me, Venus had such a mystery.

But you had been a Venussio for me.

Venus has thick cloud-atmosphere that can not be pentrated without any high-tech of telescope.
How about you?
You such a "cool” guy that can not be guessed if I just look you at a glance. You save something in your eyes, your face, your behaviour. And all of that were covering by your “cool” attitude. So I have to be really close to you If I truly wanna be something important in your life.

Venus surface was crates and volcanoes. It means that the temperature was really hot and there is no living things live there. 
How about you?
Back a little to 1st reason, you save something in your eyes.. Something that really made me interest. Something that I thought was extra-ordinary and truly “new” for me. Well, you are “cool” guy, indeed. But I’m really sure that there is a sincere care    inside of you. And I’m really sure that I can live among them.

Venus was a “Morning Star” and “Evening Star.” And it was the brightest star apart from Sun.
How about you?
Speaking of star.. Dunno why, now I’m really motivate myself because of you. Before I felt this feeling, I always thinking of you. But after I realized and doing some-stalking-through your profile and got to know that you’re really a good student, you have to know that you make a big change in my life. Beside of parents, now the biggest motivation for me was you. 

Dear, Venussio..

I never had an idea to fall in love to you. Even till now, I do not know why this feeling can grow this fast. 
I do not love you because your appearences.
I do not love you because your skills.
I do not love you because your “cool"ness.
I love you because.. I do not know.
Simple, isn’t it?

Eventough you consider me as your junior. Eventough you being "cool” towards me. Eventough you have no feeling for me now..

I just wanna you to know that I’m really grateful for have a meeting and relationship with you. 

Even this is hurt, I know that love always teaches us the best part in our life.

Goodnight, Venussio.

#348 of 366

Hi, there.

There is one important news today… I would like to announce that MY FINAL EXAMS WAS OVER! and that was really made me feels like… alhamdulillah and kind of relief feeling. But it does not truly make me “free.” Because there are some lessons that I have to fix about. Or in the other hands, it called “remedial.” Well, for my school itself, remedial is such an usual thing that every student will get it. Dunno why, because our teachers given difficult questions, maybe? So now, I will always make it enjoyable for me. But it doesn’t mean that I like remedial. NO. I never loved that kind of process.

There are some scores I knew today, and I’d like to grade it from the highest! hehe.

-Bahasa Indonesia : 90
-English : 88
-Japanese : 78
-Chemistry : 73
-Maths : 73
-Religion : 72
-Civic : 64

Really-really-bad-right………………. Moreover the maths. Not to be arrogant, but since I was in senior high school 5 months ago, the worst scores I got only 97. And the scores above just like made me………..SHOCK. I have tried my best but.. okay, maybe I’m lack of exercises. BUT, I really dissapoint to myself because I can not be same like Venussio(Mr.A, I’d tell you about the name later.) So, I am sad. And this was really made me to be “more” again.  

That’s why I haven’t told mak for it. Beside it haven’t mixed up with daily scores, I do not wanna hear mak for talking about my mistakes for one week ahead. I knew that I’m wrong. I promise that I will fix and try best in the next semester. So, mak… Please forgive me.

The conlusion is….. I have to be more diligent in 2nd semester. And I truly determined for it. 

Anyway, today.. Everything is not really going usual. Beside final exams were over, many of my friends were getting confuse with their bad scores. I’m really feeling bad for them. Um yeah. Actually, today was fasting schedule for me. But, finally.. I aborted and ate food in canteen with my friends. Heheheh. 

When exam was go on, the supervisor in my room was really funny. She was “ummi” and she really knew that there were some of us cheating each other. Then, she just talked about religion, opened her laptop, played opick songs and… spent time in angry birds. lol. lol. lol. Ummi was civic’s teacher who will get pension in 2 years ahead. She was old but I as young generation had lose from her in gaming field. Yep, I can not play angry bird. Such embarrassement.

Spoken of embarrassement, today my father was homey from Jakarta and Mak, my lil sist and I were about to pick him home. We used 2 motorcycle and wore homey-clothes. Especially me, who only wore baby-doll and jeans jacket. Everything was run well until my father made decisions to have a dinner in one of new famous restaurant in Sidoarjo. Suddenly, I just….

“What? No, dad. I wore something that I should not wore. I do not wear hijab, I do not wear glasses, I do not wear shoes, I–”

Then my father only said…

“Just be cool.”

Finally, we ate at restaurant without going home to change clothes. But weirdly, I do not feel ashamed. Haha.

Anyway.. Alhamdulillah, I met Venussio this morning in mosque school when I got breaktime from geography exam. Today, he wore his grey sweater and he looked nicely like usual. To be exact, he always seems really great in my eyes. At that time.. He did not call me. He only looked me at a glance, and that was making my heart felt like… DEGDEGDEGDEG! 

I miss our mentions, by the way.. Now, he doesn’t really interacts with me. Sometimes he replied my mentions, sometimes didn’t.
Well, I really miss this one..

when will we get along again like conversation above, Venussio? Can’t you just consider me as someone that can make you laugh? Someone that usually apears in your life? Someone that you welcomed?

Dear, Venussio.. I’m still waiting excitedly about what memories that we will share together about. I hope you so. Eventough I know, maybe the ratio between you hope and you don’t is like.. 1 : 9 I never losed my hopes. Cause I know, there is no impossible in this life. Allah always be with me, always hears me and know what the best for me.

Good night!