i kept reading tmnt fics the other day and they were all angsty and inspiring- so yeah uwu and i won’t lie, kind of had the 2k12 turts in mind because let’s be honest, they were way more angsty than this bunch
- everyone’s bound to make mistakes.
- donnie just takes them really harshly.
- you think it’s because he’s not good at expressing and dealing with emotions. he’s told you before that feeling was hard for him. repressing that though, he was good at, especially the ones he didn’t understand. (him not understanding something would never not be strange to you)
- you insist he swing by after mike tells you the project he was intensely working on for the past three weeks, went up in flames. you know exactly what state of mind don must be in from the blow. you’ve had a year to learn that he really doesn’t like failure on his part.
- he’s more inward and brisk when he climbs through your apartment window. it’s unlike him to just come in without a casual greeting you like he usually did. (“Hello there, milday.” was an example.)
- you bring him to the kitchen and brew some tea. a flavor your uncle got you for Christmas because you were a fanatic of the hot drink ever since Splinter introduced you to the vast and colorful world of flavorful tea leaves.
- he doesn’t say anything the whole time and doesn’t drink the cup you pour for him. just clutches the hot mug and stares into its dark contents.
- sitting next to him, shoulder to shoulder, you could practically feel his welled up anger buffering off of him like radiation.
- you shudder.
- you’re cautious as you broach the topic of his project.
- he huffs and puffs about how he messed up so stupidly, dumbly. he should have been able to avoid the mistake he made, but all he did was score himself a botched product and wreck some of the sensitive machinery that took him months to find and reconfigure for proper use. salvaging scrap he could use to recreate sophisticated lab tech from junkyards was ridiculously hard. so he threw himself back by months when his project went boom.
- he’s so angry at himself and angry about how he feels. and by the end of his venting, he’s white knuckled.
- you’re afraid the mug in his hands might shatter.
- you tap the handle of yours and remind him that everyone makes mistakes.
- he hisses and snaps that he wasn’t allowed to. his eyes looking more red than brown.
- he was supposed to be the guy everyone could look to for a job properly done, or just the right advice or the right gadget to fix their problems. instead, he was a walking disaster zone who was barely capable of making something that didn’t explode the first time around.
- you know he just held high standards for himself and feared messing something up one day, could cost someone their life. it was why he was so reluctant to let you have his battle ax prototype. but, he was more than that. sure he was the brains out of the bunch, but he was entitled to doing something wrong every now and again. it was how new discoveries and triumphs were made.
- you tell him his mind is beautiful, and that he needed to calm down and remember who he was at the end of the day. he could figure this out. he could rebuild what he lost, but he can’t do anything if he doesn’t let this anger at himself wash away.
- he needed to get passed this.
- “I apologize.” he says quietly and finally sips his tea. he’s trembling, but his normal demeanor is back. just a little shaken up.
- he really didn’t mean to act the way he did.
- he rests his head on your shoulder, humming lowly, and you take one of his shaky hands.
- you drink some tea too.
- it was okay. you could take whatever was thrown at you; whether it was really meant or not.
- you had thick skin.
- he is livid.
- raph had acted bullheaded and rash at tonight’s mission- all the things that didn’t make a leader. he put his team, his brothers, in jeopardy. he didn’t fully comprehend how their well being was in his hands. leo lists all the unsavory traits he kept cooped up before arriving at your house - he started ranting the moment he set foot through your window - as he paces your living room and you watch from the couch. worried at how his every word seemed to wrack his chest and whole body like a roar.
- he lets it all out. all the rage and fury, and it makes him literally sick. he dashes into the kitchen and throws up whatever’s in him into the empty sink. you’re by his side in a split second, patting his shell and offering soothing words. you both clean up the mess that’s left behind and by the end of his episode, he’s clinging to you on the couch, broken down. he’s shaking and whimpers that he just wants all his brothers to be safe. he wanted them to do their best. be their best. especially raph.
- he hoarsely admits that he could never tell raph that splinter wanted him to be the leader. it would break his brother’s heart. the older turtle always dreamed of being the one they could all look up to for anything. leo couldn’t be the one to ruin that for his older brother.
- you nod along and rub the back of his neck.
- he feels so guilty, so horrible for keeping such a horrible secret. it made his heart so heavy.
- you remind him that he’s just trying to protect his brother.
- he hiccups and touches your hair. his red stripes look dull from all his duress and his navy eyes are exhausted. so is his body that was still in pain from earlier.
- his eyelids shutter.
- he felt like he was just protecting himself, he speaks much softer than you’ve ever heard him.
- no, you chide, you were pretty sure you were right. who else would let their brother lead a kickass ninja team if they were chosen to?
- he laughs hoarsely and it’s all you need to know you were doing something right here.
- he’s crying.
- like, the floodgates are wide open and you have to hold up most of his weight when he runs into your arms.
- he met you just outside the lair at the end of a pipeline that backed into an abandoned lot in the rain that was coming down so hard, you’re pretty sure it’s in your galoshes and seeping under your rain coat. you could barely make out the shape of him in the downpour until he’s about a foot in front of your face.
- he’s sobbing about how he can’t keep everyone together, or happy or do anything right.
- he was ignorant. too oblivious and busy day dreaming. useless. unneeded and unwanted. just the younger sibling everyone’s got to protect and scold, and correct with no real place among his brothers.
- you squeeze him at the very admission, feeling like you might cry too.
- he wasn’t. he. never. would. be.
- he was mikey; he was sunshine. he was wholesome laughs, and warm hugs and kind eyes, and understanding, and fun, and how much it was okay to be a fuck up sometimes. how much it was okay to celebrate little victories and break tension with goofs- he was mikey. he was a work of art like all the ones he’s ever made.
- he’s crying for a whole new reason now.
- how were you so nice? he wasn’t even human- he was some sewer freak!
- you shake your head and ask him right back. you were just a normal, nothing-special human.
- you stand in the rain, holding each other and he pulls back after long enough that your fingertips are starting to prune and you’re half sure you’ll have a cold later.
- still holding your hands, he looks at you and you look back from under your hood. he’s got tears and rain dripping down his face. you can’t make sense of the two, but his eyes are so beautifully milky blue in the foggy sunlight.
- he thinks everything will be okay.
- he wipes a tear from your eye with a warm tenderness and you chuckle.
- you were supposed to be saying that to him.
- he blew it.
- he was no leader. just some idiot who thought he could pull the title off with some bravado and beginner’s luck. and he knew it, and his brothers did, everyone did. they just didn’t say it to his face.
- he’s quaking under all the pressure inside his chest and snorting out breaths through his snout.
- you touch his hulking forearm.
- you only knew that he was great at listening to his brothers. great at taking opinions, advice and acknowledging them and their emotions. and never once ignoring someone or how they feel- he did the opposite; he encouraged them. he may be a body with boulders for shoulders, but he had a core of something entirely different.
- he cares. he cares so much that it hurts him and could one day kill him. wasn’t that part of being a leader?
- he looks at your so very small hand with tender brown eyes much lighter than don’s, and sniffles, tears running down his face.
- you really think so? you think he’s all that? his lower lip quivers.
- you nod and smile at your wonderful friend. the one with a heart as big and open as his youngest brother.
- you wouldn’t have said it otherwise.
- he sweeps you off your feet and into a hug that has you sitting on one of his forearms.
- how’d he get a friend like you?
- how’d you get a friend like him?
- you share a laugh and you perch on his shoulder, petting his head as he wipes his eyes.
when you literally have no friends or trusted relatives in the area to leave your shitty household and dont want to contact any services or go to a shelter bc youre probably just overreacting so you sit in your car in a parking lot and cry for half an hour
so, hypothetically… if a new part/alter starts getting to the surface and i keep denying it / pushing it away… could that explain why i’m completely exhausted?
i really really don’t want to assume it’s a new part because maybe i’m making it up? but there is a name that i keep “hearing” inside and when i internally ask what the hell they are for, they just say “memories”. and i think i have been getting some flashes of memories…? idk oh my god i hate this!!! i don’t want another part… it’s too much.
also it’s not like there’s bad memories? it’s just.. flashes of primary school that i forgot about.. the name i keep hearing is the name of someone who supposedly bullied me though so??? aaahhh IM CONFUSED
if anyone has experience with figuring out if something is a new part/alter and how to deal with the denial/stuff… please hmu :(
I dont know what this feeling but the rush of emotions I felt of the words told to me “March is two faced” from a close friend being Loved yet not loved by a man I loved so much it tore me apart all those years ago when I expressed any sort of emotion it was toxic and unwell to be around people I considered my close friends to a person I pitied and took on as my partner who only loved love to the girl who was so obsessed with me she broke all the threads around me forcibly
always forcing myself to walk to tune of others to be loved I dont want this ugly feeling anymore
TW: gender dysphoria, low key transphobia / ignorance, peer pressure ig, me trying my best not to kill a boy, one (1) mention of masturbation, maybe two, idk
There’s this guy in my class; let’s call him Harvey. Harvey and I have been talking for a few weeks now - we have the same PE period and are both in the set design program after school - and I’m out to him. Two weeks ago he told me he has a crush on me. I’d started suspecting that, so I’d told him that ”yeah, I’m pansexual so I’d date a guy, but I have a girlfriend” a few days before.
We’re in PE, and it’s one of those God given gifts known as a free period. So we go sit up in the bleachers. Harvey’s talking to me, and I’m drawing in the back of my journal, not really paying any attention. I think he’s a nice enough guy, but tends to overshare quite a bit, and was sort of a jerk to me the day we met, but I brush it off because I need a friend in this class. As time passes, the “conversation” gets more and more uncomfortable. He talks about anime and his suspicion that his friends use his phone to watch hentai, video games, and eventually ends up with this:
“Did you know I’ve never actually masturbated before?”
No, and I didn’t ever want to, but here we go.
He goes on about that for a while, and then tells me he likes me - great segue, man.
“Sorry man, I’m flattered, but I have a girlfriend and I’m just not interested. Thanks though, I guess.”
The bell rings, and I finally have an excuse to leave.
A few days later, I’m too dysphoric to function. My mom lets me stay home, because she is The Best. Harvey hits me up on Insta that afternoon. We talk some, and then he asks to call instead of message. I’m like, nah, I’m home cuz I’m dysphoric so I don’t like my voice atm. He says he likes my voice, and that when he’s sick he sounds “like a guy who smokes hardcore siggerets.” I can relate, but it’s still a no.
“You don’t have to be like that with me.”
Be like fucking what, Harvey?
“All shy and don’t hate yourself embrace yourself.”
I go on to explain that I don’t hate myself, and I’m not shy. I’m in the wrong body and I have the wrong voice.
He tells me it seems like I’m being shy, but nevermind, he’ll stop talking about it.
I continue with I don’t hate myself, I hate that I’m not in a boy’s body.
“Ok I’m cool with that but I still like you as a guy or a girl.
I’m a guy, though, so I don’t give a fuck if you like me as a girl. Because I’m a guy.
I ask if he sees me as a guy. He avoids the question, so I point it out and ask again. He says I seem “really manly.” Not that he sees me as a guy.
I turn off my phone to take a minute or two to relax. Then it goes a step further.
“Just know if you and me were to be in a relationship I’m the dominant.”
Bitch. I LITERALLY DID NOT ASK. I Don’t Care. Do you think telling me that will make me go,”Oh, that was so hot and intimidating and all of my self respect and boundaries just. Went right out the window because oh my Baby Jesus fucking God, he’s a DOM, and it doesn’t matter if I have a wonderful, intelligent girlfriend that respects me and I love very much, or that he’s being an asshole, because he’s a dominant and nothing matters but that one single fact from a guy that’s apparently never gotten himself off and doesn’t know how to spell cigarettes.” Newsflash buddy, none of that bullshit does you any good at all.
I try to subtly throw hints that I don’t want to talk to him anymore - one word responses, smileys when he sends that stupid fucking squinty face a couple times. He either doesn’t pick up on any of them, or ignores them altogether.
“So how was your day?”
“Cmon, give me a bit of details on what you do all day.”
“Wait.” *photo of himself in a tanktop, captioned, ‘y not?’* “Sorry, I wasnt’ wearing a shirt so I had to put one on.”
Yeah, Harvey, you sure did, because the last thing I wanna see right now is you shirtless.
I attach a photo explaining that he’s being an asshole and ignoring my telling him no, and flirting with me even after I told him I’m not interested. He says he’s not flirting. I say that telling me he’s a dom seems a hell of a lot like flirting, especially because there was absolutely NO pretense for it.
“It’s more of stateing facts.”
I tell him my mom’s home (she’s not) and that I have to go. He says he’ll talk to me later (not if i can help it).
He does talk to me later. I avoid him after school and in PE, but one morning I’m walking around campus with my headphones in, trying to avoid talking to people. But Harvey is ignorant to the rocket-science level complexity of basic social cues, so he saunters right up to me and starts talking about one of his exes or some grave injury he got when he was seven or some stupid thing his sister or brother did - they’re all common topics of conversation with him, and I’m not paying any attention, or responding, except for the occasional “yeah,” or emotionless, “uh-huh.”
I space out, but hit Earth hard again as I hear the words, “I’m not like other guys, though,” or something more or less to that effect.
This should be good.
“They try to get into a girl’s pants right away,”
And in this analogy, I’m the girl, got it, thanks for that.
“I’m more of the romantic type, I take it slow.”
Great to know, Harvey.
“I’m the type to bring flowers and chocolates.”
Real classy. Now shut the fuck up.
The bell rings not long after that, and I’m still reeling from his utter ignorance of my OBVIOUS disinterest in him. I’ve literally told him multiple times that I’m not interested and I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend.
I try to freeze him out, but this boy is just too goddamn persistent. I hate him, but I don’t want to tell him to fuck off just like that. Then again, I don’t really want to be nice about it, either.
We end up both going to the five hour workday for set design the following Saturday. He clearly wants to be grouped with me, but I manage to avoid him for most of the day. At one point, he comes over and puts his elbow on my shoulder. It’s that stupid, cutesy buddy-buddy move, and it’s not like he even does it that well. I step away, and I’ll admit that I get a moment of very real satisfaction when he stumbles a little bit, and our instructor glances over. “Dude, personal space is important,” he shouts to Harvey over the roar of the table saw.
Later, the clock hits 3:00 and I’m out the door before Harvey can even say he’ll see me Monday.
He probably will.
Real talk, though. This was written to be funny and mildly infuriating, but Harvey’s both hilariously annoying and sort of scary. I’m worried he’ll keep following me around and pretending not to flirt, at best. At worst, I’m scared he’ll try to make a move and ignore me when I say no. I’ve been getting that vibe from him.
I blocked him on all social media, but a friend told me he asked her for my number. Anyone know how to keep people like Harvey off my back?
Hate The lawyer all you Want. I feel like I’m the only person who actually likes him.
My friends called him toxic and manipulative. Ok so, he’s done bad things yeah. But you don’t need to fucking judge me for drawing him all the time and enjoying his fucking character of Maining him. I may be complaining but you just don’t have to tell me that my choices are shit all the time ok?
If there’s any other people who run into the same problem can you dm me?
bpd is really. so lonely lmao you feel everything so intensely and then nothing at all and everyone whos around you is just along for the ride while you cant even feel them there for you if they are because of the lack of object permanence its a vile and vicious disease where sometimes you cant tell your dreams from reality and most of them are nightmares so you wake up terrified and confused about where you are. you lash out because of nothing or something small and it feels like someones taken the controls from you and theres no way to quell your rage and you just want them back. you grieve daily over an ideal version of yourself you wish you could be for yourself and for others. you want to hurt yourself, kill yourself and you think of hurting others, even killing others sometimes when the rage has taken hold of you but you also dont want to feel any pain or bring harm to anyone ever again. you want to be kind and loving and gentle and sooo very very happy. and you are loving. too loving. because you cant love something without obsessing or splitting and becoming consumed with hatred instead. and you cant be happy without becoming manic and then crashing. oh but it doesnt stop there it never does its one mood swing after another and it feels like youre suffocating in your brain. repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat.