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Un Lorem Ipsum.

December 18th, 218 BC | The Battle of Trebia

It’s 218 BC. It’s also December. The thing about December – especially around the Province of Piacenza in northern Italy – is it can get a might bit bloody nippy; snows fall, ice forms on the ground, and there’s a remarkable lack of food growing around you. No surprise then that back before modern logistical capabilities, this was the perfect time of year to go into “winter quarters.”

Hannibal Barca never got that particular memo, because in December 218 BC he is crossing the Alps in a surprise move intended to deliver an elephant tusk up the backside of the Roman Senater. Now on one hand the pizza-hating Carthaginian lost a staggering 70,000 men in the crossing, which doubtlessly caused Roman hearts to soar and many cheers to erupt. But on the flip-side he then immediately shoved his foot down the throat of Publius Cornelius Scipio at the battle of Battle of Ticinus; riding down 7,000 velites and 3,000 cavalry in a ‘scouting expedition’ so large that you could probably hear it from a mile away.

Hannibal then starts to curry favor with the local Gallic tribes, boosting up his ranks to 90,000 men. At this point Roman asses are beginning to pucker: what was going to stop this force from dropping elephant poo all over the streets of Rome itself?

<fanfare>Enter Tiberius Sempronius Longus, consul of Rome, wooer of women, leader of men, cracker of nuts, drinker of beer.

The senate ordered him to go and reinforce Scipio, and by Jupiter he had a better plan than that! How about taking my 22,000 Romans and 20,000 allies and giving Hannibal an atomic wedgie, Legionary style? The fat twat won’t know what has hit him when he has two glorious Roman legions tea-bagging his sand-loving face.

Tiberius found Hannibal on the other side of the River Trebbia and promptly set up camp, both sides mad-dogging each other (when they weren’t huddled around camp fires, staving off the winter chill).

On the 17th, Tiberius  sent a cross the river a couple of thousand Italian hooligans to poke around a little bit and get an idea for the lay of the land. They found a 6,000 of Hannibal’s guys duly pillaging Gallic settlements and farms (presumably Hannibal was in the process of exerting his “authoritah” over his newly acquainted … um … allies).

The Roman advance party duly brought in a can of whoop-ass and chased the pillagers all the way back to the main Carthaginian camp, which caused Tiberius  to come to several conclusions:

  1. Oh my word, we utterly shizowned those fools. We’re awesome.
  2. There’s no way we can lose this one, we’re like “brick ‘ard.”

Meanwhile – across the river – Hannibal is sitting in his tent, fire roaring, belly full of roast wild boar, and he is musing: “Wow, those Romans are really easy to lull into a fight … I can probably use that to my advantage.”

He promptly got his younger brother to gather up 1,000 of the best infantry and 1,000 of the best cavalry and told them to find some hiding spots on this side of the river, to one side of where the anticipated kick-off was to occur. And the area was well suited for it: stream beds, overgrowth and uneven ground all provided for ample cover.

Should the Romans be stupid enough to be lulled into a head on scrap, of course.

Back on the Roman side of things Scipio himself is paying a visit to Tiberius’ tent:

Scipio: Dude, wait on your attack.

Tiberius: Really? What for? We’ve got this shit! Did you see how I kicked their asses today?

Scipio: At least wait until I can bring up my own forces to help out.

Tiberius: Nu-uh! I know your game, you just want to take charge. The elections for the new consuls are coming up, I’m going to be a ROCKSTAR! *jazz hands*

Scipio: I strongly recommend against impetuously launching an attack …

Tiberius: Nah man, hold my beer and watch this …

The following morning and it’s still early: snow is falling, there’s an early morning winter solstice chill in the air, and the Romans are lining up ready for breakfast. When all hell breaks loose on the other side of their palisade as several thousand Numidian cavalry started throwing all manner of bad attitude at the guardsmen.

Tiberius – incensed – shouted “What the-!? Oh no you didyant! Fucking go get ‘em, boys!” In response to which two legions stared back at him, empty plates in hands, exclaiming “but … but we haven’t eaten yet …”

“NOW! VICTORY WILL BE MINE! I mean … 'ours!’“

The cavalry attack by the Carthaginians was – of course – a ruse to lull the Romans into attacking on Hannibals terms. Waiting on the other side of the Trebbia were 8,000 javelin throwers and slingers (and, dude, EIGHT THOUSAND guys throwing shit at you … that’s a sobering number right there), 20,000 infantry behind them, and on the flanks 10,000 cavalry and … oh yeah … a sprinkling of fuck-off elephants.

Not only were they all lined up and ready get this shit on, but they’d also had a smashing breakfast of bacon, scrambled eggs, and a little bit of toast, and had smeared their skin with warm oil; they were fed *burp*, warm, and ready for action.

The Romans – staggering out of their camp all bleary-eyed and with empty stomachs – fell in behind 6,000 javelin throwers, slapped 12,000 heavy infantry in the center, and flanked themselves with 20,000 Italic allies, which sounds like a lot … but these allies had not seen much battle, so best not rely on them, right? RIGHT?


Tiberius ordered everyone across the river.

The river … in … um … the morning. During December. With snow falling.

Needless to say, by the time the Romans get to the other side, they can barely hold onto their weapons. Hannibal could have easily attacked them as they were crossing the river, and would have doubtlessly defeated them, but he wanted to make a statement to his Gallic allies here: Hannibal wanted to take out a couple of legions on ‘equal’ terms.

The Numidians then started to harass the Roman Velites screen, which I imagine as a boxer causing a slugger to run out of stamina, as the javelineers completely ran out of ammunition, so when the main Carthaginian line started to approach they had nothing to throw at them. Being now useless, they retreated through the lines of heavy infantry and back towards the river.

Heavy Roman infantry met heavy Carthaginians and the battle began in earnest, but the Roman cavalry on the flanks starts to get its ass handed to it and is forced back, thus exposing the infantry in the center.

Which is when Mago launched his surprise attack from their hidden position. Already fatigued, bitterly cold, and hungry, the Roman allies on the flanks immediately started to break and ran for the river.

And here – boys and girls – I will remind us once again that PUTTING A BLOODY RIVER TO YOUR BACK IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

The Romans found this out as they were descended upon by Hannibals troops and were systemically pulled apart. If they didn’t get an elephant tusk to the cranium, or a sword to the larynx, they drowned trying to get back across the river.

Meanwhile the heavy, more well trained and seasoned Roman center was bloody well holding their own. Tiberius – in the middle of them all – had them form up a hollow square and keep advancing, and by god they advanced like fucking studs; throwing off all attacks against them and buzz-sawing through anything in their path. Seriously, if the army had been fed, warmed, and not expected to march through a river, Tiberius might have actually done some harm here.

As it was, he pushed 10,000 men through the heart of the Carthaginian line, and turned back to witness the slaughter going on along the river.

Which is now the point where he rides back, the all-conquering savior, right?

Hey, Tiberius … where are you going? Tiberius???

Yup, the consul decided “fuck this for a lark” and headed off to town to lick his wounds, thus leaving the mess behind him as a blender of bone, muscle, and flesh.

Rome went into panic: now who would stop Hannibal?


Three great errors Sempronius committed, of which everyone deserved to be recompensed with the loss that followed. The first was, that he fought with Hannibal in a champain, being by far inferior in horse, and withal thereby subject to the African elephants, which in enclosed or uneven grounds, and woodlands, would have been of no use. His second error was, that he made no discovery of the place upon which he fought, whereby he was grossly overreached, and ensnared, by the ambush which Hannibal had laid for him. The third was, that he drenched his footmen with empty stomachs, in the river of Trebia, even in a most cold and frosty day, whereby in effect they lost the use of their limbs. ~ English historian Sir Walter Raleigh

More Pila to the Sternum:

Photography by Legio Rapax:





A/N: Short NaruHina one shot. Written for 100 Kinks
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: NaruHina, AU.
Rating: M for explicit scenes and mature themes


“As you can see, the soup spoon is quite different from the dessert spoon.”

Hinata Hyuuga picked up the two silver spoons, turned and held it up before her newest (and possibly hottest) client in town - the very eligible Naruto Uzumaki, successful owner of a highly reputable construction firm he had built from scratch.

She knew all about his rags to riches tale. They, who had never taken him seriously since he had started out as a dirt-poor worker with nothing but dreams, had no choice but to go to him for industry-rate construction materials.

Keep reading


Armin blinked and stopped when he heard the other’s voice. He glanced behind him and blinked again. “Sir?” he asked as he turned and face his superior officer.  “What do you mean by that?”

Eld stands a short distance away, hands on hips. He looks down his long nose at the new recruit and shakes his head.

Although normally just concerned with special operations, the Levi Squad had been roped into training up the new recruits to the Survey Corp before their next expedition outside of the Walls. Eld had been asked to focus on omni-directional training drills, and Armin had stood out in the group… But for all of the wrong reasons.

He starts to walk towards Armin, closing the gap between them in two long strides. He talks as he does so. “Everyone keeps telling me just what a clever kid you are, Arlert, and I’m sure that’s true… I’m not going to lie though. That intelligence is not shining through in the way you use your 3DM gear.” He places a hand on Armin’s shoulder to take the sting out of his words.

“You need to stop and think about what you’re doing, about how the gear actually works. Unless…” he pauses, chewing his lip distractedly. He lowers his voice before he continues. “You’re not worried about anything, are you? Something putting you off of your game?”

We Oppose The Stop Patriarchy 'Freedom Ride' In Texas

We are a united group of activists and organizations working for reproductive justice in Texas and allies standing in solidarity with those who work in Texas, and we urge you: DO NOT SUPPORT STOP PATRIARCHY.

Stop Patriarchy is a New York-based group that intends to stage an “Abortion Rights Freedom Ride” leading “confrontational” protests in four Texas cities beginning July 30, 2014, ostensibly in opposition to state lawmakers’ attacks on access to abortion and reproductive healthcare.

We believe there are better, homegrown, and more effective ways to help Texans in the long-term, and we encourage those who wish to help to support local efforts to increase access to legal abortion care rather than fund this brief bus tour.

This is important because Stop Patriarchy is diverting both financial contributions and energy away from groups which have been doing important work in Texas for years or decades. Stop Patriarchy is not collaborating with any reputable Texas-based organizations, and in fact, many organizations working toward reproductive justice in Texas and across the country have actively and openly rejected Stop Patriarchy’s presence because of the group’s history of using disruption and intimidation to promote their own agenda above all others.

Fundamentally, Stop Patriarchy’s “Abortion Freedom Ride” lacks transparency: we don’t know where the money they’ve raised is going or how they intend to use it to benefit the people of Texas over the long haul, and they have not established any concrete goals or actions that will help Texans access the full spectrum of reproductive health care services they need. 

Stop Patriarchy has not reached out to Texas activists and organizations in a spirit of collaboration; instead, they simply informed Texans and Texas groups of their intention to conduct a “freedom ride,” and many times asked for financial contributions. When Texans responded with questions and concerns, Stop Patriarchy refused to respond or engage in good-faith discussions with activists on the ground. Instead, Stop Patriarchy has asked people at Warped Tour to hold up signs supporting their Texas “ride.”

Aside from the lack of transparency and questionable tactics, Stop Patriarchy is racist, Islamophobic, anti-sex worker and anti-pornography. The group is directly connected to the Revolutionary Communist Party, USA, a cult of personality led by Bob Avakian with a long history of transphobic and homophobic views.

We ask those who want to support the cause of reproductive justice in Texas to contribute their time and their money to local, goal-oriented groups that have trustworthy track records providing resources and services to Texans, rather than donating to a one-off bus tour, with no clear goals or outcomes, conducted by a handful of out-of-state protestors.

If you’d like more information about Stop Patriarchy’s views (including links to their own words) or on the important work being done by the reproductive justice groups already on the ground in Texas, we invite you to read our Letter of Concern.

We invite you to join us in opposing Stop Patriarchy’s Texas “Freedom Ride." 


A. Lynn - Austin, Texas

A.L. Mirasol - Austin, Texas

Aaron Welch - Austin, Texas

Abigail Dalgleish Hazlett - Dallas, Texas

Aimee Arrambide - Austin, Texas

Aimee Tullos - Denton, Texas

Alison Parker - Petaluma, California

Amanda Williams - Houston, Texas

Amelia Long

Amy Cavender, M.Ed. - Austin, Texas

Amy Elizabeth McCarthy - Dallas, Texas

Amy Olguin Pownall

Andrea C. Greer - Houston, Texas

Andrea Grimes - Austin, Texas

Anna Rubin - Austin, Texas

Annanda Barclay - Chicago, Illinois via Austin, Texas

Annette Torres

Arvan Reese

Ash Hall

Ashanta Smith - Springfield, Massachusetts

Audrey Warner - Dallas, Texas

Avital N. Nathman - Northampton, Massachusetts

Becca Arjona - McAllen, Texas

Benjamin Z. - Maryland

Blake Rocap

Braettie Ledezma - Austin, Texas

Brook S. - Austin, Texas

Callie Barfield

Callie Snyder - Austin, Texas

Candace Carpenter

Candice Russell

Caroline Grace Stefko - Helotes, Texas

Carrie Tilton-Jones - Austin, Texas

Chanel Dubofsky - Brooklyn, New York

Christina Jones - Austin, Texas

Christina O'Connell - Chicago, Illinois

Christine Bible - Irving, Texas

Christine Giordano

Christine Salek - Des Moines, Iowa

Christyne Harris - Austin, Texas

Christopher Lucas

Cindy Noland - Austin, Texas

Clinic Access Support Network - Houston, Texas

Dana Sayre

Denise Flores - San Antonio, Texas

Deva Cats-Baril - Vermont

Drew Stanley - Austin, Texas

Dria Miller - Corpus Christi, Texas

Ed Espinoza - Austin, Texas

Eesha Pandit - Houston, Texas

Elisabeth Fernandez - proud UTSA alum in Washington, D.C.

Elizabeth Pancotti

Elizabeth Restat - Austin, Texas

Ellen Sweets - Austin, Texas

Erin Reimer - Austin, Texas

Erin Susan Jennings - San Antonio, Texas

Farah Diaz-Tello - New York, New York via Austin, Texas

Feminist Justice League - Iowa branch

Fund Texas Women

Genevieve Cato

Genevieve Van Cleve - Texas Women Vote Project

Georgette K. - Chicago, Illinois

Ginger Hintz - Oakland, California

Gulielma Leonard Fager - Austin, Texas & Baltimore, Maryland

Heather Busby - Austin, Texas

Heather Norum - Monterey County, California

Heidi Gerbracht - Austin Texas

Holly Morgan

Imani Gandy - Oakland, California

Jane Fitts - Louisville, Kentucky

J.C. Miller - Kokomo, Indiana

Jack Darling

Jacob Jones Martinez - Dallas, Texas

Jamila Hammami - Brooklyn, New York via Denton, Texas

Jan Olsen

Jane Manchon - Houston, Texas

Jay Kasturi - Austin, Texas

Jen Sorensen - Austin, Texas

Jennifer Carlson - Austin, Texas

Jennifer Hixon - San Antonio, Texas

Jessica Luther - Austin, Texas

Jesse I. Mabus - Austin, Texas

Jonathon Strowd - Jackson, Mississippi

Judy Kay Craft - Houston, Texas

Julie Gillis - Austin, Texas

Justice Putnam - Berkeley, California

Kaci Danger

Karen B. - Bloomfield, New Jersey

Kate Forbes - Madison, Wisconsin

Katherine Craft - Austin, Texas

Katherine Miller - Austin, Texas

Katherine Robertus Vilain - Overland Park, Kansas

Kathryn Gonzalez

Katie Jackson

Katie Klabusich - Brooklyn, New York

Katrina Voll-Taylor - Vancouver, Washington

Katy Waters-Cofer - Austin, Texas

Kayla Roberts - Jackson, Mississippi

Kelli Sanders - Ennis, Texas

Kelsea McLain - Carrboro, North Carolina

Kit O'Connell - Austin, Texas 

KP Palmer

Kristian Caballero - Austin, Texas

Lauren Casey - New York, New York

Lauren Rankin - New Jersey

Laurie Bertram Roberts - Jackson, Mississippi

Leah C. Barr

Lindsay Brown - Shreveport, Louisiana

Lenzi Sheible

Lesley Nicole Ramsey

Lilith Fund For Reproductive Equity

Lindsay Eyth

Lindsay Rodriguez - San Antonio, Texas

Lisa Sanger Blinn - Houston, Texas

Liz Elsen

Maggie Rosenbloom - Washington, D.C.

Malkia Hutchinson - Houston, Texas

Marissa Garrett - Austin, Texas

Marti McCall - Dallas, Texas

Mary Drummer - Houston, Texas

Mary Ann Barclay

Mary Beth Blakey - Los Angeles, California

Maryann Philbrook - Austin, Texas

Meg Whyte - New York, New York

Merritt Tierce - Denton, Texas

Merritt Martin - Dallas, Texas

Michael Nam - Palisades Park, New Jersey

Mimi McKay - Austin, Texas

Nan Little Kirkpatrick

Nancy Cardenas - Austin, Texas

Neesha Davé - Austin, Texas

Nicole McAfee - Austin, Texas 

Oklahomans For Reproductive Justice

Penny White

Poonam Dreyfus-Pai - Oakland, California

Rachel Collins - Austin, Texas

Rachel Kapila - Austin, Texas

Ray Nash - Westminster, Maryland

Robin Marty - Minneapolis, Minnesota

Roanna Flowers

Rev. Jim Rigby

Rev. Katrina Shawgo - Round Rock, Texas

Ricky Roo

Robert Rummel-Hudson

Rocío Villalobos - Austin, Texas

Sadie Smythe

Sage Walton

Sam Vuchenich - Los Angeles, California

Sarah Dickerson - Austin, Texas

Sarah Roberts - Jackson, Mississippi

Sarah Tuttle - Austin, Texas

Scarlett Angell - Austin, Texas

Scott Madison - Austin, Texas

Shelby Alexander - El Paso/Austin, Texas

Shelley Oram - New Mexico

Shira Feinberg - Arlington, Texas

South Texans For Reproductive Justice - Rio Grande Valley, Texas

Stacey Burns, Texas expatriate in Minneapolis, Minnesota

Susana Monteverde - Houston, Texas

Suzanne F. Boswell - New York, New York

Sydney Casey - Austin, Texas

Tawny Tidwell

Tannis Fuller - Charlottesville, Virginia

Teddy Wilson - College Station, Texas

Texas Equal Access Fund

Tony Macias - Austin, Texas

Virginia Pickel - San Marcos, Texas

Yatzel Sabat - Austin, Texas

Zofi Elena Chupik - Ft. Worth, Texas