vegans are weird with way too much time on their hands

Porcelain and Window Panes

Prompt: Dan sees a a beautiful man doodling on a foggy window in a cafe and can’t get him out of his head. He comes everyday at the same time to see the beautiful stranger.
Word Count: 3671
Warnings: Cussing, light angst
A/N: Thank you to @philestergifs for this amazing prompt! It took so long to write this for some reason (I’ve been writing it since October???) and I’m so happy I could finally get it out! Special thanks to @theinsanityplays as well for giving me some feedback for this fic ^-^ I also didn’t have a beta so sorry for any errors but I hope everyone likes it!
Read it on AO3!

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To say Dan was having a terrible day was an understatement.

He woke up late, having forgotten to set an alarm for work, so he had to rush through his morning routine. This meant he wasn’t able to take an hour long shower like he was used to and he couldn’t straighten his hair. Thanks to genetics, his hair dried in curly ringlets that stuck out in every direction.

He also had to skip breakfast, which is bad in itself, but he soon found out that his coffee machine had stopped working as well. Dan with curly hair and no morning caffeine? Not a good idea.

So he went for the best option of going to the nearest coffee shop and ordering a french vanilla latte to go.

The wait was nearly impossible to sit through, especially with Dan’s habit of being too impatient for his own good. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet, practically quivering in his shoes at each name that was called. His eyes were frantic while he tried to distract himself from the inevitable doom that was this horrible morning.

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Lazy tips for Tofu

Tofu gets a bad rap, and really it’s undeserved. 

Yes, tofu tastes bad when you cook it badly, but then so does just about anything else. It’s just that we’re much more conditioned to be forgiving of bad chicken, bad cheese, etc. And at least tofu is unlikely to give you food poisoning if it’s under cooked.

Yes tofu takes some prep. But then, so do a lot of other foods. You pay more for convenience foods of many kinds because some of the work is done for you. But as far as a ‘raw ingredient’ goes, tofu is cheaper than many animal products, and when you compare it to the work involved with preparing any ‘raw ingredient’ it’s really not much different.


That being said, here’s a few ways to make dealing with tofu less effort


Pressing

Pressing tofu is kind of an art - convincing the water to come out of the soy sponge without mushing it. This is an art I refuse to master. It’s up there with the art of eating gracefully, and ironing collars.

So I just freeze the tofu I buy. If I’m planning on using it in the next two days, I move it to the fridge. Somehow, some weird magical thing happens that makes recently defrosted tofu stronger, so you can basically squeeze out almost all the water in your hands without mushing it. This doesn’t work for silken tofu though - seriously. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Another option, if you don’t care about the tofu being mushed up, is a clean tea towel, stick the tofu in there, wrap it up, and squeeze it that way.

Or don’t press it at all. This makes it less likely to absorb other flavours, but so long as you cook it enough it still tastes good.


Marinating

To be honest, I almost never bother marinating tofu for any length of time. My idea of a marinade is to throw random stuff in a bowl, then stir in some cubes of tofu. If I’m really patient, I might last a couple of hours. Usually it’s a couple of minutes.

If you want to marinate tofu to make it taste like something specific, like the ham component of a hawaiian pizza, you can make the flavours soak in a lot faster by immersing the cubes/chunks/whatever in the marinate and baking it for about ten minutes. Shallow frying with about 1cm of oil in a pot also works (avoid marinades that have a strong powder component).

Super easy marinades

  • Vinegar, Salt, Soy sauce
  • Brewers yeast (sometimes called nutritional yeast), salt, tumeric, garlic, cumin, lemon juice, oil (if you’re feeling like reaching for the spice rack)
  • Mustard, Soy sauce, Sugar, Sesame seed oil or tahini (optional, because expensive)
  • Veggie stock
  • Basically any stir fry or pasta sauce you have lying around will do


Cooking

The ways to cook tofu are pretty much endless. You can even have it raw if it works with the recipes. My favourite quick ways are;

Deep frying - It’s not really deep frying since you only need about a cm of oil in a pot. You want it to be pretty hot (but not smoking). You don’t even really need to press tofu if you’re cooking it like this, just squeeze it a bit over the sink. It’ll be crispier if you go hotter, softer if you go cooler. I often don’t flavour tofu before frying like this, I just have it with salt and maybe a little vinegar (seriously, it’s good) after. I’ve found it takes less than ten minutes to cook a bowl of nommy tofu bites. Probably not so healthy, but I’m prone to the odd treat now and then. I’ve found this also is a fast way to cook tofu that’s going to go in other things - like curries and stirfries.

Baking - If you don’t mind waiting for noms to cook (I go surf the net while I wait), you can just put whatever flavourings you want on the tofu (immersing it in veggie broth and baking is awesome too - thank you @theveganzombie), and throw it in the oven.

Shallow frying - I’ve found this takes a bit longer than I personally like, but it has its uses. If you’re frying tofu to go with other stuff, put it in first, even ahead of onions, and don’t be afraid to let it sit in the pan without being turned constantly, it’ll cook quicker if you only turn it every so often. If you want the tofu to still be crispy when you eat and you’re using a sauce, cook the tofu separately and add it at the end.


Pre-cooking

If you want nommy soy goodness straight from the fridge for sandwiches, salads, world domination, noodles, whatever, then you can make it up ahead of time, and see how long it lasts. 

I pretty much never bother to do this. The last time I made tofu bites to go on a pizza, it took all my willpower to allow even two thirds of them to actually make it to the pizza. Cooked tofu does not last long when it’s within my reach.

But if you have more self control than me it’s a good way to have teh noms on hand.


Storing

Fridge - Tofu has a long shelf life, it usually comes sealed. You can keep it in the fridge for a few days after opening so long as you immerse it in fresh water and keep it sealed. For tofu that’s been cooked, just keep it sealed.

Freezer - Unless I have reason to want the tofu soft and mushy, I tend to just freeze it, and take it out when I need it. If I need to defrost it fast I just stick it in a bowl of hot water, then add more hot water when it starts to cool. This is enough to get it to the point where I can cut it without any trouble.

The Man at the Flower Shop

pairing: aaron burr x reader

word count: 3700

warnings: the word ‘damn’ is probably as bad as it gets in this one, folks.

summary: you work at a flower shop and there’s a man who comes in every friday who is ridiculously attractive and you want to know more about him but… don’t exactly know how to say it.

a/n: hey so i know like 3 types of flowers and all of it is purely animal crossing knowledge so excuse my lack of flower types. this is unedited and im rlly rushing to post this so oops srry for any errors in advance. a little update: i’m performing in this play in 19 days and i have yet to memorize all 415 of my lines, so i won’t be on tumblr as often as i need to focus on my scriptt!!! this is the last thing i’ll write until probably the end of the month so i hope you enjoy!!!


There was a man. He came to the shop every Friday, rain or shine, without fail, and bought one small bouquet of flowers. Sometimes it was a bouquet of daisies and sunflowers; other times, it was pansies and tulips. You remembered him distinctly because, not only did he have extremely diligent attendance, he was rather… attractive. Tall, with a round face, smooth skin and bright eyes. And he was always wearing an immaculate, smart brown suit. Almost every day you wondered what was bringing him here so often, and why he even bought flowers from your shop instead of another, but you never got the courage to ask him.

Until now.

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I cannot express my joy when I discovered that this book was real…and that it was also free to purchase as an e-copy through amazon (it’s like under 100 pages so it’s a quick read). However, that joy was short lived when I actually began to read this book. Maybe it’s because of my lifestyle of memes, puns and general shit-post humour but I was expecting a book with copious amounts of chicken puns, knights wearing KFC buckets as helmets and well…a lot more steamy romance between our darling Harland Sanders and Madeline.

I feel as a long time Colonel Sanders and KFC fan I have a duty to make this story cringe worthy and yet oddly satisfying to those readers who are just like me. So grab a delicious, crispy chicken wing, ignore my spelling mistakes, general crappy grammar and enjoy. And to cover my own ass, all these characters belong to KFC and I mean no offence to anyone. Also I apologies because this got way out of hand and there’s a lot of dirty insinuations involved. Take a bible with you. Also I didn’t read this over because I’m terrified of having these thoughts in my head again. (GOODREADS REVIEW LINK:https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1996014517?type=review#rating_117050525)

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AVALANCHE food headcanons

Barret likes the greasy food. His favorite meal would be huge burger, french fries and some beer. He was one of the most annoyed AVALANCHE members when Cloud would just shrug while Barret was ordering pizza. He didn’t like it when Tifa started to push her cooking down his throat. At first. Soon he realized how much Tifa’s cooking reminded him of his deceased wife’s, Myrna. Because of Myrna’s sickness, she always cooked the healthiest meals, and although Tifa’s didn’t taste the same, it tasted like home. He had a hard time teaching Marlene to eat healthy while he wouldn’t, but Tifa’s presence really helped him out. 

Tifa was very picky as a child. That wasn’t something that bothered her father all too much because it was a strong trait shared with her deceased mother. Zangan, on the other hand, would get really angry. “How do you want to be a great warrior if you won’t eat your veggies?” After his death, Tifa’s life changed a lot and she had to adapt. She learned to cook really well and always comes up with the most detailed diets ever. Because of that, she always cooks for the gang the healthiest meals and always has snacks in her backpack. Marlene got really mad once because she thought those were candy. Yuffie asked her if she went through those diets so she would look prettier, but Tifa clarified it was because she wanted to be at peak performance levels. You can’t beat Sephiroth running on sugar, only.

Cloud doesn’t care about food, something that pisses all of the AVALANCHE crew. If he has to eat noodles, he will eat noodles. If he doesn’t get to eat that day, that’s fine too. Food is certainly not a way to Cloud’s heart. He also doesn’t drink alcohol often, but something Cloud needs on his daily life is coffee. Cloud simply does not work properly if he doesn’t drink coffee by the time he’s up, and don’t even think about talking to him before he’s at least halfway past the second cup. If he doesn’t get his coffee, he becomes this sarcastic, moody and rude teenager. That’s because the lack of caffeine gives him the worst headaches.

Aerith would get an upset stomach if she ate in any of the fast-food chains in Sector 5. Because of that, she rarely ate anything that wasn’t her mom’s food until she left with AVALANCHE. She would snap pictures of everything herself and Tifa were ordering to send it to her mom and Marlene. She was the most likely to eat “weird” local food. Once, at Fort Condor, she ate the smelliest egg on the face of Gaia. Whenever Tifa remembers the smell, she thinks about going vegan for good. Once Yuffie had a serious talk with Aerith about how easily Shinra could poison her, since she accepted any food anyone offered outside of Midgar. Aerith vowed to only eat what Tifa cooked for the rest of the journey.

anti fucking likes chicken nuggets.

* Have not proofread. Wrote at 3am while high. I am now craving mcnuggets.

Shit, I’m hungry. Shit, I forgot to eat. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Editing videos is really time consuming..

I stand up with a loud yawn, stretching my arms up behind me.

I feel that annoying twitching in my fingertips, sighing softly as I lower my arms.

“Let’s get pizza!” I hear in my own mind, scoffing at the voice.

“We had leftover pizza for breakfast, dipshit.” I said aloud, not worried about someone hearing me talking to myself. Ah, yes, lonely advantages.

“Yes, but I want more!” It made my hand twitch, a lot more violent than before.

“No! Shut up, you’re gonna make me fat!” I huff and cross my arms, grabbing my wallet and hoodie.

“So? You’re already a gamer, it’s not like it’ll make a difference.” I only roll my eyes at the voice.

Soon enough, I’m at a total crossroads. Well, literally.

On one side of the street, McDonalds. On the other side, some stupid vegan restaraunt.

Instead of just standing in front of the cross, looking dumbly between establishments while I battle with my own mind, I take my phone out and lean against a nearby lamppost.

“McDonalds! C'mon! Let’s fuckin go!” Stupid, stupid, voice. I sigh and pretend to take a call, making it easier to blow off talking to the voice in my head.

“No, we had McDonalds last week.” I retorted, sort of watching the people idly walking around me.

“It’s been a week, that’s long enough. I want my fuckin’ McNuggets!” The voice was attempting to take control of me, I could tell. My foot twitched a bit, my sane half disguising it with easy tapping.

“God, shut up. No more junk food.” I rested one hand in my pocket, chewing on my lip as I took a step forward in the direction of the stupid vegan place. He’s gonna be so mad.

“No! No, no no, you idiot - God damnit, no, other way! Go the other way! The McDonalds is the OTHER WAY!” Maybe slapping myself would hurt him, too. Would it get him to shut up? Even if it would, I didn’t attempt it.

This.. second personality of mine? Asshole. TOTAL asshole. Here I am, trying to stay healthy for my own sake, and he’s forcing me through the doors of a damn McDonalds.

Wait, when did I get to the doors of the McDonalds - Fuck. Fuck, god damnit, no. He got control, shit.

We’re here anyways, so I just sigh and go up to the counter. He’s quieted down, thankfully.

Well, I THOUGHT he quited down. Until he makes me flinch with how loud he shouts “MCNUGGETS!” in my own head.

God, it’s so weird. I swear I can hear him but no one else can. He’s not real. Well.. sort of.

I sigh yet again and order for the both of us. His stupid fucking McNuggets - and thankfully they’ve got salads, albeit huge and probably still somehow greasy. But it’s good enough.

As soon as the cashier hands me the back, I’m gone. He stole control, yet again. Woop de fuckin’ DOOOOO.

We’re home. Wait, when did we get home? I don’t even remember unlocking my apartment.

God, I hate this stupid fuckin’ asshole in my head.

I finally regain control, feeling just a bit dizzy and awfully hungry.

“Loooove you, Jackaboooy!” I hear the voice resonating through my head as I open the bag.

“No, fuck off.” I grumble, immediatley going for the chicken nuggets.

No matter how healthy I try to be, or how much I try to stay fit, chicken nuggets are fucking amazing.

ok dream sg episode pt. 2

ext. shot - somewhat dingy alleyway, evening

maggie is leaning against the alley wall in her cute too big police jacket. she’s looking at her phone & only puts it away when we hear a quiet thump. the shot pans out to include supergirl

maggie: “everything alright?”

kara: “shes in, well, quarantine? she’s fine though”

maggie: “i actually meant you. you sounded weird on the phone earlier and you don’t look so good.”

Kara: “im alright.”

maggie looks like she wants to question it but she switches over to a more professional demeanour when supergirl hands her a small bag & a folder.

maggie: “i can’t make any promises about the tests but I’ll go over the photos tonight.”

kara nods. she looks uncomfortable again.

maggie: “seriously, hey, are you alright?”

kara: “this may seem like a weird question but did alex mention anything about mon el?”

maggie: “sure some. said you seemed really happy with him. he’s the guy at the bar, right? was it just me or did he kinda say he’s not homophobic because he likes orgies?”

kara: “did he?”

maggie shrugs

kara: “well for what it’s worth im thrilled. alex is the happiest i have ever seen her.”

maggie: “except for being in quarantine. can i take her anything? clothes, food, vegan icecream?”

kara: “gross! sure, i’ll make sure she gets it.”

kara takes several steps away, looks like she’s about to fly away.

kara: “maggie? thank you for doing this. i know it doesn’t feel right doing it off the record but,”

maggie: “i trust you. we do it this way until you can figure out what’s going on. and if you need backup,”

maggie pats her side & Kara nods. she flies away.

maggie waits for a moment before leaving the alley. the screen flickers like static. the same buzzing noise from earlier can be heard & the shot exits the alley & flies in the direction supergirl went.

//

ext. shot - night
j'onn & supergirl are flying over the city

j'onn: “do you know where we are going?”

kara: “nope!”

j'onn: “do you know what we are looking for?”

kara, flying circles around him: “no!”

j'onn stops flying & hovers in the air. kara stops next to him.

j'onn: “what are you looking for? what are we doing out here?”

kara looks like she is listening for something. very faintly, a buzzing sound can be heard & she flies off faster than j'onn can follow. we focus on kara who looks determined & she crashes into an invisible machine & throws it down into the desert. she follows, j'onn in the distance follows them both.

kara yanks on something that reveals the machine. it is vaguely alien glowing shit & looks kryptonian but…menacing.

j'onn: “what is that?”

kara, angry: “a daxamite drone”

j'onn: “we need to get this back to the DEO. winn can-”

kara: “hes been exposed, remember?”

j'onn nods, crosses his arms. he looks thoughtful.

j'onn: “what do you recommend supergirl?”

kara: “we need to find the hive, & we need to destroy it.”

j'onn: “and mon el?”

kara, determined. “let me deal with him.”

//

int. shot - krypton.

a grand hall. alura stands at the podium & the hall is packed with aliens. when she raises her hands, they fall silent & turn to face her.

alura: “dignitaires, envoys, i welcome you once more to krypton. today marks a very special day, one that will change the our course forever. for the better.”

several kryptonians stand at her sides. they look concerned. alura clutches at the side of the podium. she does not look well.

alura: “some time ago i was approached to consider an alliance with our great brother planet of daxam. i have had the privilege of speaking with the king and queen and their council.”

the shot turns to a noble & rich couple toward the front of the hall. they look very smug & satisfied. the shot remains on them as alura continues.

alura: “i have been treated to their unique hospitality during my stay there. i have been convinced quite thoroughly to agree to the merge.”

the shot returns to alura & her kryptonian companions as sounds of distress & confusion move through the crowd.

alura seems to be sweating & her voice is strained.

alura: “their methods of persuasion are quite successful.”

daxam king: “the merit of the alliance is persuasion enough, is it not?”

he moves to stand closer to her. alura braces herself against the podium.

daxam king, sounding concerned: “you don’t look well at all. perhaps we should make this quick and save the revelry for another day?”

alura moves stiffly to pull up a alien device. the daxam king places his hand inside the homoimage that appears. he stares at alura who makes no gesture to do the same.

daxam king: “won’t you agree to the alliance?”

alura says nothing.

daxam king: “agree to it! what are you waiting for?”

alura: “for my guard to return with proof”

she sounds & looks very ill but also triumphant. the daxam king pulls his hand away from the holoimage & yanks one of her hands towards him. she is holding a small device that he recognises. he pretends he does not.

daxam king: “what kind of game are you playing, alura? we came in peace because you offered an alliance.”

he looks disappointed & hurt. he motions for his people to leave & they begin to exit the hall.

they are stopped when guards begin to march in. alura looks horrified when kara is with them. she is holding in her hands a small box & she carries it up the steps toward alura.

little kara: “father said this is what you were looking for. i found it in our rooms. did i help, mother?”

alura strokes kara’s hair out of her eyes & nods. she takes the box from Kara & opens it to show the same machine james had taken photos of.

she disables the machine & looks much better instantly. she stands taller & her voice is strong.

“arrest the daxam dignitaries and their king and queen, for the crime of coercion against krypton.”

//

int. shot - DEO city headquarters

kara walks with mon el down the hallways. they are holding hands & she is listening to him discuss something new he has learned about earth. it’s almost correct in an amusing way & she laughs.

mon el: “so, you said you had something important to talk about?”

kara stops where she is next to a doorway & nods.

kara: “there’s something i have been meaning to talk to you about.”

mon el: “if this is about breaking up then i forgive you”

kara smiles but she doesn’t look happy.

kara: “thank you.”

mon el nods.

kara continues like the boss she is: “for making this so easy.”

she slams her hand on the button next to her & opens the cell door. in another second she absolutely fucking smashed mon el into the cell & closes it before he can recover. kara slaps a picture of the alien device against the glass.

kara: “where is it?”

mon el stands & crosses his arms.

kara looks like she wants to ask again but she crumples the photo in her hand & storms out instead.

mon el: “you could have just asked me.”

kara pauses in the doorway: “i already know you’re brainwashing my friends. my family. i don’t have to be nice to you just because you have information i want.”

kara stands in that fuckin boss supergirl stance yas girl!!!

kara: “i will find it, with or without your help. you should start thinking about how to make that easier for me.”

mon el: “why? so you’ll forgive me?”

kara: “no, i won’t. Ever. you want to make this easier so i don’t let my sister put lead in your leg again. and this time? my mothers on vacation so she can’t save you.”

kara exits the room.

she joins j'onn who is standing at the end of the hall.

j'onn: “my mothers on vacation?”

kara, crossing her arms, sighs. “I couldn’t think of a cool line. do you think it sounded enough like a threat?”

j'onn: “you should’ve left it at alex”

kara nods.

Meet the Parents

Okay!! Okay!! I did it!!! I worked through the mental block to bring you some fluff!! This was a request from @native-snowflake. I really, really hope you enjoy it doll!!

Tags: @noamrollins @meaganottiz02 @racheo91 @lunaticfringe216 @neeadinghugs @gracea-boo @thatonegirloncealways 

Y/M/N = Your mom’s name
Y/D/N = Your dad’s name
Y/L/N = Your last name

Pairing: Enzo Amore x Reader

Originally posted by robvandamdatass

You looked over to your boyfriend in the driver’s seat, taking notice of his left hand squeezing the steering wheel tightly as his right hand rested comfortably in your lap.

Tonight, Enzo was going to meet your parents and nervous seemed to be an understatement judging by the way he was white knuckling the steering wheel. It was important to Enzo to be liked by your parents because he knew how much it would mean to you. You were always pretty close with your family, so your parents liking him was a big deal. Not that you would break up with him based solely on the fact your parents not liking him…but nonetheless, it meant a lot to you, so it meant a lot to him.

Enzo knew that it might take some time for them to warm up to him…it may not happen tonight, but he could win them over. You had to be a reflection of them since they were your parents, right? He could do this.

You gently squeezed Enzo’s hand, causing him to look over to you. You threw him a comforting smile before kissing the back of his hand.

“Try not to be nervous. They’re gonna love you, okay? I promise.” You assured him.

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The Houses As Engineering Students

Slytherin: The electrical engineers; they’re either wearing interview clothes that look nicer than anything you’ve ever owned or wearing jeans and the coziest sweaters they own. They only leave the labs to go out drinking or to play sports in the rain. They always have fruit. In their bags, in their hands, laying around the break room. They’ve had too much coffee, no one knows when they sleep.  

 Gryfindor: The Mech E’s, a casually stylish bunch; you can’t really distinguish their “dressed up” from their everyday looks unless they’re working gov internships then they are the keepers of the khaki and button up style. There’s always pizza on somewhere in the department, no one knows who orders it, no one knows why it’s there. They’ve also had too much coffee.

 Hufflepuff: The chemical engineers; there is always a cool experiment going down, whether they’re making some weird liquid dance on a speaker or running across a pool of some other weird substance, it’s always something. They have two looks 1) lab chic that involves looking like a hot mess but in a way that looks like art, 2) interview: slacks, button-ups, uncomfortable shoes. They have tea in one hand and coffee in the other.

 Ravenclaw:  The civils, they always come up with creative ways to do things that are not related to schoolwork. Wearing eco-friendly clothing, most likely to be vegan.  They know exactly what tear you should be drinking based on the time of day. They’ve done everything except study for their actual exams including build a house or fix things that weren’t broken.

Recently, I was told that I just ‘needed to learn to just deal with my eczema and to stop complaining about it’.

This really angered me at first, but then I realized, so many people don’t really understand what eczema is, or exactly how bad it can be. I really struggle with this condition, everyday of my life. It’s not just something you can learn to deal with. Instead, it’s like a constant battle with my body and it really wears on my sanity.

—  Let’s take a moment and talk about exactly what eczema is.


Dermatitis, or more commonly known as eczema, is a broad term that covers a variety of skin conditions. It usually represents as a scaly, red and inflamed rash, weeping sores and patches and even the cracking of skin. Eczema runs in my family, so I’ve watched my mother struggle with her fingers cracking open and bleeding persistently my entire life. My father also suffers from psoriasis, which while different, presents itself in similar ways. Common areas for rashes and such to appear are the elbows, behind the knees, around the neck and behind the ears and on the hands and feet.

Many children and babies suffer from a mild form eczema and typically grow out of it. I was different, and developed the condition upon reaching adulthood. My dermatologist says that I have a particularly aggressive type and it’s some of the worst that she’s seen a few years. Add my typical resistance to drugs and such to the mix, it’s a recipe for disaster.

But what causes eczema?  Good question because no one has a clue. That’s right, no one knows what causes eczema, but it’s generally presumed that it’s a combination of genetics and environment. It’s also misdiagnosed as food often, since the two have a tendency to look similar when flared up.

I didn’t have eczema growing up. I used to have nice smooth and silky, tan skin. Now my skin is as scaly as an alligator and itches something fierce. Oh, and I constantly have children screaming at me, “MOM, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER,” much to the embarrassment of the parents. They switched my birth control from the pill to the Nuvaring, which we assumed I had an allergic reaction too (this is when the itching started). They responded by switching me back to the pill, but I still itched. Then I developed rashes. Then I got unbearably itchy. They swapped me to a lower dose and nothing changed. So they took me off of it. I got better, but it never went away. They think I’m allergic to the active hormone in the pill, and that the changes to my hormonal levels caused the eczema to develop, but because no one knows what exactly causes it, it’s hard to say.

What is known is that Eczema is an auto-immune disorder, where your body literally thinks it’s allergic to itself. This results in your body creating histamines that causes your skin to ‘flare-up’, as it tries to figure out what is going on. This results in the angry red rashes and scaly skin that is associated with eczema. This is 'atopic dermatitis’ and the most common type.

This is also why it’s such a bitch to deal with. When I say that I itch, I don’t just itch. My skin literally feels like I have creatures crawling underneath my skin and no matter how much I scratch/rub at it, it doesn’t go away. It might get worse, but it doesn’t get better and it’s always constant and always there. It’s also easy to aggravate and make worse, with simple things that are considered everyday conveniences. People tell me, “Oh well, don’t scratch,” and I have to say, “Well, it’s not quite that simple.”

Let’s take a quick look at the kinds of things that bother me on a daily basis:

– Water. Cold is better than hot, but I tend to take lukewarm baths. Water tends to make me itch severely, and the second I come into contact with it, my skin flares up and it takes everything to not rake my legs and skin until I’m literally bleeding from weeping wounds. Gross image, I know, but it’s the truth. Showers are worse for me personally, because it gets very 'moist’ in the bathroom, which doesn’t help. Baths aren’t a walk in the park, but they are a bit dryer over all. Salt Water is an exception to this and Ocean water is by the best when it comes to my skin.

– Heat. If it’s hot, I get itchy. End of story.

– Sweat. This goes hand in hand with the point above. Sweaty skin is by far one of the worst triggers for discomfort. Summer is absolute hell for me. I work in a smokehouse too, so if I’m by the grill or serving food, I get very toasty which leads to irritability and aggravation.

– Shorts. This sounds like a weird one! My skin is bothered by a lot of things, from blankets to fabrics to car seats, etc. Add heat and sweat to that… my legs will turn bright red and look like someone dumped acid all over them. I typically don’t wear shorts anymore, because it just leads to extreme discomfort and people looking at me like I have leprosy.

– Soap. The only soap I can use is Dove Sensitive Skin. Anything else gives me the itchies.

– Detergent. Like soap, I have to use soap-free/fragrance-free/dye-free/this-free/that-free/etc laundry detergent. Downside to this is that my clothes came out of the washer still smelling like food and my dog. I swapped to a vegan/soap-free thing that my coworker suggested to me that set me back a staggering $24, but it seemed to do it’s job. I can’t tell if it bothers my skin yet, or not.

– My dog. This seems like it would be a huge duh, but it’s worth a mention. I used to snuggle the shit out of my dog. Not anymore. I’m lucky if I can hold him for more than five minutes without feeling like my skin has creepy crawlies. Which is a shame, because it’s like he goes out of his way to lay all over me.

–Bedsheets. I have two sets of bedsheets, that I have to change every few days. About three days for one, then I pull them off and flip them inside out. I do laundry about once every two weeks (we have to use a laundry mat, so the less trips the better), so this helps get more usage out of them.

– My Period. Honorable Mention for weird one, but when you realize it’s all about the hormones it makes sense. My cycle is super irregular when I’m not on the pill (the whole reason for being put on it) and I never used to be able to tell when it was coming. Now I can. The week before and the week off, my skin goes into overdrive and it looks like I’ve stuck myself in a batch of acid, or something. The itching gets to bad that I will scratch myself till I’m raw and bloody.

–Clothing. Despite what detergents I use, certain fabrics give me problems too.

–Humidity. This goes without saying, but living in the armpit of the US (Louisiana) doesn’t help much. When I visit my parents in Texas, my skin typically clears up a bit.

–Sex. TMI time, but sex makes you hot, heavy, hormonal and sweaty. That is an absolute recipe for a flare-up.

There are other small things, but I won’t bore you with them. This list is just to give you an idea that it’s not just about itching. Everything contributes to the pain and itchy, and that makes eczema very difficult to handle. And this is just what causes flare-ups. There are other side effects that come hand-in-hand with plain old discomfort.

Like I said earlier, the itching isn’t just itching. It’s deeper than the skin and no matter how much you scratch, it doesn’t help. Imagine that you have an itch that you can’t reach, but finally you get someone to scratch it. Feels better, yea? That doesn’t happen with eczema. You can finally scratch it, but the itch is still there and it’s persistent.

I am always itchy. All the time. There is never not a moment, that I don’t itch, somewhere. And scratching through your clothes does nothing. I’ve been known to run to the bathroom at work, purely so I can drop the pants and go to town scratching at my thighs or behind my knees. 

With this constant itching comes insomnia. Aside from actual skin issues, this is the second biggest issue that people with eczema deal with. Did you know that? I didn’t when I first developed it. There are some nights when I’ll lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep because I itch so bad. I’ll scratch myself in my sleep to the point where I have to wear socks on my hands if it gets really bad. I can’t sleep naked anymore– I have to wear a full-on shirt and short combo, if not pants or leggings. It’s common for me to go three or four days on about five hours of sleep. It’s common that I become extremely irritable and snap at people.

It affects my personal life too. Snuggling with my fiance is hard, because I get hot and sweaty and then I get itchy and uncomfortable. And it’s not that I don’t want to have sex, but it’s really hard to get in the mood when you know you’ll spend the next three hours afterward trying to dry yourself out. Josh has no idea how happy and grateful I am with how patient and accepting he is.

And it’s hard to look at myself and feel confident in my appearance, when I literally have angry red rashes EVERYWHERE. My eczema affects my arms, underarms, collarbone, waist, back, butt, thighs and behind my calves. You know how a Sharpedo in Pokemon has the rough skin ability? Yea, I flinch anytime someone touches my skin.

But that’s enough personal ranting about how it makes me feel, let’s talk about how it’s treated. As stated, no one knows what causes it, so it’s hard to treat. Typical drug cocktail includes an anti-itch pill and a steroid cream. If you’re really lucky, they’ll put you on a steroid pill to calm the skin and kick your body into overdrive.

When I went to a dermatologist for the first time, I was taking six benadryl a day, in hopes it would combat the histamine that my body was making. It didn’t and my doctor was amazed that I was even conscious. Years of allergy medicine abuse has left me particularly resistant to drugs (this is the whole reason I just suffer with normal allergies, versus taking meds, that shit don’t work), so it took a few tries to find something that 'helped’, but I quickly become accustomed to it and we have to change.

Currently I’m taking a strong anti-itch (which helps, but doesn’t get rid off) pill that I actually double up on, and a steroid cream that does absolutely nothing. This in combination with moisturizing after every bath (people with eczema HAVE to moisturize, lest we want to become something like human jerky) certainly helps, but it doesn’t fix.

I know this is super TL;DR, but the point isn’t to complain. I’m tired of people telling me to just deal with it, when they know nothing about eczema. It’s a struggle to keep my sanity. I long for the days when I could wear shorts and sleep naked, but those are gone and I have to deal with this now.

And we try. We try SO hard to to fucking lose it, but it’s not so easy. So educate yourself and next time, don’t roll your eyes at the person with eczema, thinking that they are over reacting. They aren’t. You have to remember that this is a constant condition that has no cure, and that they know next to nothing about. The odds are not in our favor and we’re told to just deal with it.

I’ll admit, it was nice to vent. This is what I work with every day. I just want people to understand where I’m coming from. I’m tired of being told that eczema isn’t something serious, because it is. People just don’t know it.







College!AU - Hip Hop Unit

Anonymous asked: please do a college!au !!

S.Coups:

  • works part time at the ice cream parlor
  • people call him “SCOOPS”
  • lol get it
  • carries a gym bag with him everywhere
  • well thats because his backpack is his gym bag
  • otherwise he would use a messenger bag
  • he thinks it makes him look hip
  • he majors in making the panties DROppp
  • lmao just kidding
  • not really BUT
  • S.Coups is a double major!!
  • he majors in psychology and engineering
  • he doesn’t know what quite to do as a career yet
  • leads the freshman orientation with Joshua
  • tries to set Joshua up with the freshmen???
  • idk, he just wants Joshua to find love
  • S.Coups tried to convince Jun to join a frat
  • parties almost every weekend
  • gets realllyyyyy hammered
  • a video of him kissing a plant went viral
  • scared Jun, he no longer wants to take part in whatever S.Coups is doing
  • but that’s not all to Scoops
  • he likes hanging out at local music shows too
  • ONCE JUMPED ON STAGE TO ONE UP THE SINGER??
  • he was a goody two shoes all the way up to his high school years
  • now he’s a wild child
  • still gets A’s on every exam
  • gets accused of cheating by Woozi
  • “how??? seungcheol, you don’t even study”
  • rooms with the 95 line
  • sick and tired of Jeonghan always being in the bathroom
  • sick and tired of Joshua eating donuts at 3 a.m

Wonwoo:

  • goes to med school
  • sometimes dozes off during lecture
  • thought he could handle classes that start at 7 am
  • he’s internally dying
  • which is ironic
  • looks reallyyyy good in a lab coat
  • either goes to class in sweats or in a cardigan and some slacks
  • considered being a psychiatrist
  • but realized he already puts up with too much of Mingyu’s shit to pay attention to other people’s problems
  • the type to do his work in cafes
  • also the type to procrastinate
  • complains about student loans 24/7
  • cries when he looks at his bank account
  • wants to volunteer around the world :’)
  • would be that one hot doctor who all the nurses swoon over
  • and the moms
  • LOVESSS going to the local poetry slams
  • you can tell how much he loves the poems by looking at his facial expressions
  • really awkward during class, does he even know how to speak???
  • poor bby is afraid of asking questions
  • whatever he’ll swing by the professor’s office after class
  • got lost on campus in THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAr???
  • lol sneaks food from mingyu’s lunch
  • i mean, Wonwoo has his own lunch, it’s just that he wants Mingyu’s
  • oh my lord, SOOO PREACHY
  • “S.Coups, you shouldn’t drink so much, it’d bad for your liver. Here’s a pamphlet on how alcohol affects your body”
  • “Joshua, donuts aren’t that great for you especially at 3 am. If anything, eat vegan donuts”
  • “Woozi, being so angry and stressed out is bad for your health. YOUR HEART MIGHT BURST FROM ALL THAT RAGE.”

Mingyu:

  • goes to a culinary school
  • “wonwoo, I can make you lunch if you’d just ask”
  • aspires to have his own cooking show
  • he’s got the looks and the talent so why not
  • would like to cook for beyonce some day
  • or maybe for the cast of Descendants of the Sun
  • in charge of the food for when ot13 gets together
  • yells at Seungkwan for trying to “enhance” the kimchi
  • gets offended when Jun asks if he has any ramen instead
  • once spent $200 on a knife set, rip
  • is a cook at a local Chinese restaurant
  • ready to fight anyone that disses his food
  • mingyu is at the top of his class
  • THAT ONE ANNOYING ASS KID THAT ALWAYYSSS ASKS QUESTIONS
  • like whenever the teacher is done talking his hand would shoot up
  • since he knows everything there is to know about food
  • he feels obligated to critique every restaurants’ food
  • that one overly detailed yelper, yikes
  • FORGET IT, HE’S GONNA OPEN UP HIS OWN RESTAURANT
  • can spot out box cake from a mile away
  • trying to cultivate the best ddeokboki recipe
  • he can cook the most amazing dishes
  • YET EATS MCDONALDS FOR DINNER????
  • now understands why Wonwoo complains about student loans
  • has a picture of Gordon Ramsey as his phone’s lockscreen
  • hardcore judges the other students when they don’t preheat the oven
  • complains about how expensive fruits and vegetables are nowadays
  • checks for non-gmo and organic ingredients RELIGIOUSLY
  • all in all, how does he not have a girlfriend??

Vernon:

  • Seungkwan hassled Vernon to come out to every event Seungkwan mc’s at. Ever.
  • Vernon expected the events to be kind of wild and weird?
  • but nah
  • he won’t admit it but Seungkwan’s tambourine dance at the end of the event is lowkey LITT
  • okay so maybe the events are a tad bit weird
  • such a cinnamon bun tbh
  • people tried to sell him weed :( LOL
  • but Vernon honestly dislikes all of that
  • doesn’t want to end up like S.Coups and have a video of himself kissing a plant end up on the internet
  • BAD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU DRINK AND DO DRUGS KIDS
  • jk lol s.coups doesn’t do drugs
  • always does his homework on time
  • currently a major in computer science; wants to be a video game designer!!
  • aspires to create the next League of Legends
  • THE REAL MYSTERIOUS COLLEGE BOY
  • Vernon is full of surprises
  • he hangs out with dance major Hoshi??
  • and overachiever Woozi?
  • the shy, kind of geeky kid from the Computer Science department raps????
  • what???
  • like one time there was an underground rap battle at the local nightclub
  • some of his classmates were there, and saw Vernon absolutely KILLING IT
  • so there was this rumor that spread that Vernon was this super cool, intense rapper boy
  • but the next day Vernon accidentally tripped UP the stairs to his seat
  • so that rumor died rather quickly
  • girls try to flirt with him 24/7
  • Vernon knows he has game
  • he’s just not as greasy as Jun
  • CAN’T WAIT FOR COLLEGE TO BE OVER TBH

Check out the other units too!

Things that are wrong with the Scott Pilgrim movie

1. The removal of certain character development moments which takes away the graphic novels’ moral, which features both Scott and Ramona getting over their hang-ups in order to be together, and leaving us with a “good guy beats up badguys and gets the girl” plot.

2. The reduced screentime and lack of lines for the Katayanagi twins, turning them into effectively cameos with almost as little onscreen presence as Sandra and Monique and less than Comeau.

3. For fear of making the wrong decision over whether it ships ScottxRamona or ScottxKnives, the film ends up indecisive, which overall makes for either ship to be disappointing.  It would be better to make the wrong decision, be it keep the original outcome from the comics or change it, rather than make no decision either way.

4. Michael Cera never quite captures the character of Scott.

5. The overload of special effects inflated the movie’s budget so much that it was a financial flop.  Ultimately, given the story of the source material and the directing style, the film could have survived on a smaller effects budget.

6. Sex Bob-Omb signing with Gideon and replacing Scott with Neil ruins the dynamic, especially considering that there’s a running theme throughout the movie of Scott handing off his bass to Neil, so Neil almost gets more playtime than Scott does.

7. The interesting “casual fantasy” universe of the original takes a backseat to video game references, which is fine, but makes certain things (like Todd’s psychic powers coming from being vegan) feel weird.

8. By very nature of the movie, the second act feels like it runs through characters to cram them all in.  Matthew Patel, Lucas Lee, Todd Ingram, and especially Roxy Richter run together very easily, without getting much of a plot and really not having more than a scene each.  It gets worse in act three; see the Katayanagies.

9: Unlike every woman I’ve ever known, it climaxes too many times.  While having Scott relive his fight with Gideon is a cute idea (especially the weird way it’s done where Gideon seems to know they’ve gone through it before), it feels a bit repetitive.

hiddenpolkadots  asked:

Congrats on your writing anniversary! You're a rockstar. Do you think you could probably do “I make coffee cup art and I drew you yesterday I’m sorry did I make this weird you’re just really cute okay?” AU for bellarke? With just like.... loads and loads of fluff? Smother me fluff. I am ready for it. <3 <3 <3

<33 Thanks for the prompt! I hope you feel sufficiently buried in fluff, because I SURE TRIED.

ao3


Bellamy is not really that into the whole hipster coffee shop thing.

He’d be fine with staying home to make his own coffee, except there are too many distractions in his apartment for him to do the things he needs to do– clutter that demands to be tidied, a TV that demands to be watched, a cat that demands to be given attention. And it’s the cat that’s hardest to say no to, because most of the time she prefers to pretend she wants nothing to do with him.

And he’d be fine with Starbucks, or Costa, or any other big-name chain, except they’re so expensive. The Drip Shop may be far too hipster for his tastes, but it’s right around the corner from his place and he can afford to go there as much as he needs to get his grading done without breaking the bank.

So he can put up with the minimalist decor and the baristas with wooden bowties and edgy haircuts. He can live with that, can be amused instead of annoyed by it, like Ron Swanson at Grain ‘n Simple– enjoying the flannel-clad patrons in their natural habitat.

There is one thing, however, he enjoys unironically: the art.

The stuff on the walls rotates to showcase local talent, which is cool, he guesses. But the chalkboards are done by one of the baristas (his favorite, according to Octavia, though he pretends that isn’t true), and they’re always awesome– clever puns, cool designs that make him wonder how he’s even the same species when he can barely draw a stick figure.

They were actually what drew him in to check the place out that first time. She’d drawn on one of those sidewalk signs a map of their neighborhood, with a banner that said ‘coffee’ over The Drip Shop. The awesome part was that she’d filled the rest of the map with legitimately cool drawings of different dragons, another banner reading, ‘here be dragons (best not to take your chances)’.

He’d laughed and headed inside, and once he saw the prices, there was no going back.

Keep reading

A Dream Coming True (a Jared Leto oneshot)

“Did you know that these poor animals weren’t even killed humanely? The standards these animals were living in were and are just as bad as the way they are killed. Billions and billions animals are killed brutally each year just to feed us while we have enough opportunities. If I and million others didn’t die, you won’t either. I’m vegan and healthy more than ever. You like pizza? Eat it without pepperoni. You like burgers? Eat a vegan burger. Don’t give shitty excuses like your health either. Are you really comfortable with these poor animals dying just for our fun?”

“Yes I am! They taste good and they don’t even have emotions. So what?” a man shouted from the crowd.

This was my first time making a speech alone on a street. Why should people be assholes?

“At least they have a brain unlike you!” I was really mad. I couldn’t stand ignorant and idiot people. Was he even real?

“Boo-hoo! I’m going to cry now.”


“I want a soy latte please. For y/n.” I was trying to relax after my stressful speech. Why was it just so hard for people to understand the truth? People were just too selfish to see it.

“It’s 4.70 ma’am.”

As I was reaching for my purse, I heard a voice. It was soft but hot.

“It’s on me.” I looked behind me where the voice was coming. I saw a handsome man. His hair was short and brown with blond tips . He had style… And sunglasses.

“And you are?”

“I’m Jared. I listened to your speech. It was amazing. Oh and and an espresso shot for me.” he said to the cashier after talking to me.

“Thanks. I’m happy that someone really listened to me.”

“That one dude annoyed me really much though. I was almost going to go and slap him personally.”

We giggled. We rushed out after getting our drinks to find somewhere to sit. He asked politely if he could join me.

“Yeah, of course. Thanks for the coffee Jared. It’s really nice seeing people who actually care. I thought there was no hope.”

“It was nice hearing you too.” as he took his sunglasses off, I saw the most beautiful pair of blue eyes I have ever seen. He continued:

“And your name is?”

“y/n. My name is y/n.”

“It’s a pleasure y/n.” he was a true gentleman. He was conscious, handsome and nice but I didn’t want to be affected too quickly.

“So you are a vegan either Jared?”

“Activist, vegan, singer, Jared Leto… That’s me.”

“Wow so you sing? Is there something you can’t do?”

“I can’t draw?” 

“And that’s my thing I guess.” I chuckled.

“So you can draw… I guess we are completing each other.”

“If you want to impress me, you’ll have to find a better one J.” He smiled and looked down.

“I don’t need to try hard.” I looked at him raising my eyebrows. We both laughed. He actually had a point but I wasn’t going to admit that.


It had been around five months since I had met Jared and my life had changed a lot already. There was something going on between us but I was not sure what that was. I felt really good when I was with Jared and when he was away… I was starting to feel weird without him. I was not good at going on with people but he… He was making me happy

He had invited me to his mansion-like house which I had only seen from the outside once. I was actually feeling that something huge was going to happen and the first time in my life, I felt like I had to look good for a man. He was going to take me at 8.00 pm. so it was almost time. I put my nude lipstick on before I sprayed on my fave cruelty-free perfume. I looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t felt so beautiful in a long time. As I was checking if everything was okay, I heard my door ringing. I had to chill for real. 

A heavenly smell hit me as I opened the door. When I came back to the real world, I saw him. He had casual clothes on but it was so hot. Especially his hat and white shirt. His bracelets, jeans, shoes… Everything was combined so good. His stubble was looking so sexy.

“Damn girl you lookin’ fine.” We both let out a laugh. I felt that my cheeks were warming up. 

“You too Mr. Leto but I prefer keeping it formal.” 

“Oh, sorry ma’am. I meant you look one fine lady. I was wondering if you would mind if I accompanied you to my car.” He leaned down as he put his one arm behind his back and one hand in front of me like a real gentleman wanting me to hold it. This guy… How could I say no? I held his hand as I closed my door with my other hand. 


After a car ride full of laughter, we arrived to his house. It was 8.38 pm so we had a plenty of time. I was actually pretty sure that he was going to insist that I stayed the night so I didn’t really worry about the time. As he opened the door, I saw a fuckhuge living. It was mostly black. So elegant… We heard footsteps when we stepped inside. As I raised my head, I saw another handsome man which was probably Jared’s brother Shannon. Jared was always talking about him. They were caring for each other and that was really cute.

“It’s really nice finally meeting you y/n. Jared just won’t stop talking about you. I’m almost sure he is in love with you.” WTF? I wanted to dance but all I could do was laughing and looking at Jared. His eyes were huge and he was looking at Shannon. I wanted to change the subject.

“So you told me that you were good at singing J. I’d like to hear you sing.”

“Ohh I totally forgot about that. But I need to talk to Shannon first. Suit yourself. It won’t take long.” Shannon looked at him trying to figure out what he was going to tell.

“Mmkay then. I’m here.” 

As soon as they went upstairs and closed the door, I got curious. And curiousity is one of my weak spots. I had to hear what they were talking about. I got upstairs trying my best to be silent. I put my ear on the door they were in.

“-Why would you even say that! I didn’t want her to know that until I made sure that she feels the same for me. Thank you really much Shan!”

“Bro chill. She will just think that I was joking. I’m pretty sure that she didn’t even take it seriously. No way she will understand that you like her.”

“I don’t like her…” My world broke down but I kept listening.

“I love her.” My eyes popped. This was even more shocking.

“Love is a strong word brother. Are you sure that it’s love?”

“I mean… I never felt like this before. I feel extremely sad when I don’t see her. My feelings for her gets stronger and stronger everyday.” I had heard enough. I couldn’t risk getting caught so I rushed down as quiet as I can. I sat back at the black sofa where I was already sitting before. I heard the door open. Shannon was the first to get out.

“It was nice meeting you y/n but I need to go.” He winked as he was opening the door.

“It was nice meeting you too Shannon.” I smiled. He smiled back before he closed the door. I’m pretty sure he didn’t need to go but he just wanted to leave us alone.

“So I guess now you want to hear me sing.” 

“I want to talk to you Jared.” He seemed worried now. 

“Yeah, of course.” He sat next to me.

We were so close. We didn’t say anything for about a minute before I broke the silence.

“Jared you know. If you want to tell me something, do it.” He didn’t get what I meant first but then…

“Oh shit. You heard us didn’t you. Look, If you don’t feel the same it’s not impo-” I didn’t let him finish his words and with a reflex, I pressed my lips on his. His eyes popped open before closing them and he started kissing me harder. He was holding my face while I was moving my hands on his muscled back.

“I…Love…You…Too” I was trying to talk between every kiss. Things were getting hot. I slipped my hand into his shirt feeling his abs as he was leaving kisses on my neck. He held my hand as he brought me to the bedroom which was always going to have a place in my mind.

“You make me happy y/n.”

“I feel complete when I’m with you Jared…”


requested by an anon

80 Days of Weight Loss Challenge QUESTIONS

1. Write your current stats: height, current weight and goal weight. Why are you losing weight?

2. Describe your dream/goal body.

3. Is your UGW in an unhealthy range of BMI?

4. Have a vegan day today. No meat, no eggs, no dairy, no animal products whatsoever. Give it a try! 

5. What is your favorite healthy food? 

6. What is your favorite unhealthy food?

7. What is your least favorite healthy food? 

8. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

9. What is your favorite type of cardio?

10. Do you count calories? If so, what is your daily limit?

11. Today you will be cooking for your whole family. Find a healthy recipe online that they will also enjoy and show them how tasty healthy food can be!

12. What is your least favorite type of cardio?

13. What is your favorite type of strength exercise?

14. What is your least favorite type of strength exercise? 

15. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

16. Which part of your body do you wish to change the most and why?

17. Do you have a special event/date you want to lose the weight for?

18. Try to use as little salt as possible today or maybe even none! Don’t buy microwave meals and don’t eat foods high in sodium.

19. Are you losing weight the healthy (<2lbs/week) or the unhealthy (>2lbs/week) way?

20. Who is your biggest weight loss inspiration and why?

21. Do you focus more on getting lean and mean or tiny and fragile?

22. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

23. How much water do you usually drink in a day?

24. Have you ever had an eating disorder?

25. Today you will try a new smoothie. Find a new healthy recipe online and mix & match fruits and veggies and enjoy! But it must be totally new and adventurous!

26. Do your friends know about you wanting to lose weight? Do they support you?

27. Does your family support you in your weight loss?

28. What is your favorite type of snack?

29. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

30. Are you a vegan or a vegetarian?

31. What are your favorite workout clothes you own?

32. Try a new fruit today. Learn how to cut/eat it and enjoy! How was it?

33. Are you on a diet or are you making this a lifestyle?

34. Do you take your meals from home to work? If so, what do you usually prepare?

35. Have you ever fasted? What was the reason for it?

36. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

37. Have you ever purged? If so, how did you feel afterwords?

38. Have you ever binged? If so, what is your binge food?

39. Try a new veggie today. Learn how to prepare it and enjoy! How was it?

40. What is your body frame? Small, large or medium?

41. Where are you from? Is your country’s diet healthy or unhealthy in general?

42. How many meals do you usually have a day?

43. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

44. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Does (s)he know about you losing weight? Does (s)he support you?

45. Do you have a rest day when you don’t work out? Which day is it?

46. Try changing your routine today. Don’t do the same exercises as the week before, learn a new move to cinch that waiste or to tone those thighs!

47. Have you forbidden yourself any type of food?

48. Do you reward yourself when you reach your short-term goal? What are your rewards?

49. What do you usually have for breakfast?

50. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

51. Do you have a cheat day?

52. What do you enjoy the most in your weight loss? What makes you happier than ever before?

53. Try to eat nothing but raw food today. No cooking, no baking, no grilling. Eat raw carrots, canned tuna or smoked salmon, maybe even sushi! Just eat fresh, non-termal processed food. It might be weird and unnatural but that’s actually the healthiest way to eat. Enjoy your healthy day!

54. What is your favorite weight loss blog?

55. Will you continue to write your blog after you reach your UGW?

56. Have you ever been on a low-carb diet? How was it for you?

57. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

58. Do you believe in restriction or in moderation?

59. Describe your dream outfit, the one you imagine yourself wearing once you reach UGW.

60. Ditch sugar and ALL sweets today. For just one day promise yourself you won’t eat any candy, sugar, sweets or any similar food.

61. Write your usual meal plan for one day.

62. watching TV, do you usually watch the „food channels“ or movies/TV-shows/series?

63. What are your fitness goals? (Splits, hand-stands, push-ups…)

64. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

65. Post a picture of your goal body or a person you strive to look like.

66. Do you have short-term goals too? What are they?

67. Today is no Internet day. That’s right, you will try just one day to be off the Internet, post your progress/food log/training schedule 
tomorrow, because today, you are going back to basics!

68. What is your least favorite unhealthy food?

69. Which part of your body do you like the most and why?

70. Were you ever obese or underweight?

71. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

72. Do you eat the same meal as your family or do you eat specially prepared food?

73. What do you usually order when eating out in a restaurant or at someone else’s house?

74. Today you won’t count calories. You won’t look at food labels. You will try to eat intuitively. What does that mean? Eat when 
you’re hungry, don’t look at the clock! Eat whatever your body desires! Just make sure it’s healthy. If you crave anything sweet, eat it! But a healthy amount. And remember, today you must forget all about calories!

75. Do you have a trigger food? A type of food that is impossible for you to say no to or stop eating?

76. Do you drink smoothies? If so, what is your favorite recipe?

77. Do you enjoy eating healthy or do you find it being too expensive or that it takes too much of your time?

78. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

79. What was the most recent compliment/comment about your body?

80. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week? + Today is the last 
day of this challenge. After writing your stats, describe how you’ll continue eating/exercising from now on!

Ryan looked at the clock. 8:29. He smiled as he took the last minute extra of rest he’d achieved. He closed his eyes thinking of the day ahead of him. A morning of advanced law lectures, lunch with Jane then take her shopping for her birthday party supplies, then take her and Kate to put democrat stickers over the republican signs in undecideds gardens for the 2016 election and he can come home just in time for the latest episode of adventure time. Despite the head start he audibly groaned at the sound of his alarm but acted accordingly, blowing his floppy brown hair out of his gentle blue eyes.
The law lecture dragged on more than usual. They were studying a case to do with a glamour model, no matter how much the concept of being able to create justice made Ryan love law, subjects like these hurt Ryan’s head. Superficialness was slowly becoming the way of the 21st century and Ryan and his group of friends, all female, hated it, even sometimes looked down upon it. Thank god Ryan had had an upbringing from open minded, free spirited liberal activists.
As the lecture came to an end Ryan slipped out to meet Jane outside. Jane, like all his friends, was plain in every sense of the word, but when you had a mind like hers looks were irrelevant. He loved spending time shopping with her, he could be slightly effeminate at times so he’d always have fun.
Putting stickers up was always a thrill. You have a chance to change an undecided into one vote closer to a victory. And since homosexual marriage had become legal nationwide, something Ryan had near teared up with happiness about, a lot of people are questioning their views. They’d been walking for only 20 minutes, spreading support for the far left when a group of baby boomers walked by. Grey haired, grey suited, stern faced, overweight and walking right towards them with a briefcase in their possession. Ryan grimaced at what they must be thinking upon seeing them. But to Ryan’s surprise they smiled, reached into the briefcase and produced a badge with the republican logo on it and handed it straight to him.
‘for when you change your mind’ one of them said confidently, smirking before they turned away and headed in the other direction to spread whatever propaganda republicans such as themselves do. The badge felt heavy in Ryan’s hands. It almost felt like it was warm. His friends shrieked with laughter feeling nothing but pity for the pathetic attempt of a campaign, handing one of the most liberal guys in town a badge as if it would do shit. Jane snatched it from Ryan and threw it to the ground. He watched it roll away.
‘C'mon loser we’ve nearly finished and adventure time isn’t gonna wait for us!’ Called Kate already ten metres away.
‘Coming! one sec I need to tie my shoe.’ Ryan replied. He watched as his friends merrily continued the task at hand. He glanced over to where he’d seen the badge roll and without thinking grabbed it and tucked it into his pocket.
That night he had the weirdest sleep ever. It was just flashing images and footage moving too fast for him to know what each of them where properly. The only thing he saw clearly was the symbol his badge bared.
He woke up the next morning half an hour after his alarm.
Shit. He thought to himself as he hurried to dress and get out of the door for his lecture.
Ugh great, we’re still on the glamour middle case. She was on trial for homophobic remarks and didn’t seem to own much of a brain cell. However, as frustrated as Ryan had been to even consider wasting his time on this sad excuse for a human being yesterday, today, not only was the case suddenly riveting to him but he found himself thinking she was in the right to use such phrases. Freedom of speech and all, especially if all she did was make a few faggots cry, they need to be put in their place. Ryan cut himself off…
What the fuck.
What the fuck was that.
What the -
He was cut off by an unusual presence in a law lecture. In entered what Ryan can only describe as a monster. 40 inch biceps, pecks so large he surely couldn’t see the ground. Everyone looked impressed. Ryan was pissed. He leant over to his friend Mel and said aloud, not even bothering to lower the volume, 'i have never seen something so repulsive in my life, what the fuck would someone need muscles like that for. He must have a small dick.’
Mel smirked and retorted 'I’m so glad you exist Ryan. You’re going to change the world one day. And when you do roided up losers like that will be irrelevant to societies ideas of perfection’
Ryan jokingly winked at her and they both pulled very unsubtle grimaces towards the man, who turns out was the glamour models boyfriend (figures) and the only witness. Too bad a five year old could probably trick a mind like his, let alone Ryan’s bordering on incredible iq. At least the whole display had made Ryan forget about the unforgivable way he’d thought earlier.
Lecture over, Ryan made his way out to meet Jane outside when a hand was placed on his shoulder.
It was one of the men from yesterday, in fact the very on that had handed him the badge, something Ryan still held in his pocket. Ryan shrugged him off, uncomfortably.
'What do you want…?’ Ryan asked.
'A law student. Fascinating. Would have assumed environmental studies or the arts from the way you present yourself.’
'The fuck…?’
'I see you have something against muscle? I was sitting front row, you see the witness from today is my son Brock.’
'Okay..?’ Ryan was weirded out.
'You insulted him. Mocked him. And you think you’re much better yourself?’
'Listen dude, all I said was that I think big muscles like that are ridiculous. he could barely move. I’m sorry to offend you but I’m not going to lie to you.’
'And you don’t think you look kind of.. Gay Without muscle?’
Ryan’s mind flickered for a fraction of a second before he continued. 'Well like I said, no offence, but I think intellect is more important than how you look. And your son had an ego nearly as huge as his muscles, I don’t know how you could think that’s going to change the world or even create a lasting impact.’
'Muscles are everything. They are a sign of masculinity and nothing in this world is more Important than that. The 3 m’s: masculinity, manliness and machoness. That’s all that matters that’s all there is to life. Going to the gym. Never being big enough. Fucking hot ladies. Being a man. Driving a manly car. Going to sports games. And of course, supporting the manliest party of all, which I think you secretly already do - Republicans.’ The man replied cooly.
Ryan’s mind flickered again but stopped after only a millisecond. 'Ok well you stick with whatever makes you happy. But I get where your son gets it all from now it makes sense. You have a disgusting view on life and I really will consider phoning the police for harassment of you bother me again. Have fun with your beast.’
Ryan hurried out of the lecture hall fuming. Who gave this man the right. He didn’t even notice how he failed to deny claims of his change in political party.
Jane glared at him. He threw his hand up in a 'don’t be made at me pose’.
'Got held up sorry.’
'Whatever lets just get the rest of my party supplies and -’
'Shit janey don’t be angry but I uh, I can’t go tonight I have stuff to do…’ Ryan lied, just suddenly the thought of shopping seemed to bore Ryan to kingdom come. 'I’ll owe you one!’ Ryan said as he hurried off as to not let Jane ask for a reason. He ran to his car but stopped when he saw the universities football team having a bbq. Suddenly he’d never felt more hungry in his life. He’d never needed food more than in that second. He looked down at his lanky body. They’d all beat him up if he even tried to take food that was theirs. But there was no stopping him his hunger started becoming painful.
'Bruh can we help you’ said one of them.
Ryan opened his mouth to talk but the American flags each of them donned stole his gaze. It was like he was high the colours all blurred into one and there has never been a more beautiful sight. He teared up a little but then stopped and realised how girly crying was, especially in front of such manly men.
'Murica’ was all he managed to say and all the bros cheered and patted him on the back.
'Damn straight broski help yourself!’ One exclaimed.
Ryan couldn’t focus all he felt was relief knowing his hunger was about to be over. He looked at the table whilst the team talked amongst themselves. He looked over towards the steak and grabbed the juiciest manliest looking one and smiled to himself. Wait wasn’t he a very proud vegan. He’d never eaten meat in his life thanks to his earth loving parents. But….. That was a bit gay. He thought to himself. That was all the reasoning he needed as he tore into the meat, not even bothering to use utensils. As he chewed the meat off aggressively, something of a faint growl left his lips. He ate it all in record time, belched (wasn’t he always very polite and great with table manners?) and waved his new friends goodbye.
'Murica’ he thought to himself as he drove away.
The next day he slept right through his alarm, awaking at midday. He shrieked when he realised the time and threw on whatever clothes were fastest. He grabbed his coat and left to apologise to Jane at her work.
He felt the weight of the badge much heavier in his pocket today. He hadn’t looked at it since the day he got it. He pulled it out. Where once had been a definite disgust towards the logo on the front, today it made Ryan feel warm and prideful. He put it on, proud to show it off. Yes this is me I want you all to know it. He walked towards his car, his mothers old Nissan micra. The thought of driving it was making him cringe. He contemplated for a second. It’s 4 miles to Janes work, he wasn’t exactly the fittest person. But he felt weirdly up for the challenge.
'She’s mine. Go to the gym,’ Ryan looked at where Brock was pointing, he hadn’t noticed they were standing outside of the gym, 'and get all the hot titties you want’. Brock rummaged in his backpack and pulled out what looked like a needle. Ryan stepped back, needles were his childhood fear. This fear caused clarity in his mind. 'What the am I doing,’ he demanded in his head 'this isn’t me… No I won’t go to the gym. I’m going to land a place on the Supreme Court and make this country a decent, fair place for all for the first time in history, I don’t need to go to the gym I need to get to the library and catch up on what I missed today, I’m liberal as hell. I’ve done nothing but make a name for myself in the liberal community. Lots of people see my passion for the democrats as a beacon of hope for the future generations, I’m compassionate, generous, open minded and….’ Brock was surprisingly fast for someone who looks like his muscle are too big for him to move. He pierced Ryan’s skin.
'Get ready to for the juice rush bro. He bent down and whispered into Ryan’s ear. 'Murica’.
Ryan didn’t feel anything at first. Apart from his own fear. What was about to happen?!? Shit do I ca 911, I need this poison out of me. My parents will have a herbal remedy for me where’s my pho-’ the surge hit. He had never felt more alive in his life. All fears and doubts melted away. His penis suddenly felt heavier. Did his humble 3 inch just gain a load more inches? He didn’t even have time to ponder he looked at Brock and smirked 'TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING GYM LETS GET THIS PUMP GOING’ Ryan roared.
One week later and Ryan had been at the gym every day for 15 hours a day. When he needed to sleep Brock, who conveniently lived right next to the gym, was more than happy to let a new bro crash at his. Ryan didn’t know what exactly he was juicing himself with, all he knew was that he had been working out for only one week and he already had 15 inch biceps. Imagine what two weeks could bring him, or a year!!! As long as Brock kept supplying the juice he knew he could become the monster Ryan had always dreamt of coming. Brock didn’t mind sharing his girlfriend for sex either! Which pleased the once (as in last week) hardcore feminist ryan, who fucked the bimbo like the trash she was and loved every second of it.
A week later Ry was king. He has spent two weeks in the gym only but was already the second biggest dude in there falling behind Brock who was just impossibly huge. Because Ry hadn’t been home Brock let him use all his stuff, Ry especially love using his styling things. He lathered his once floppy, alternative (now cut into something a little less homo) hair in hair gel and spiked it. He hadn’t been able to grow facial hair before the juice but now he had no problem, Ry trimming it into a pencil beard. If anyone were to take one look at him they’d see your average meatheaded douche bag and that’s exactly the look he had began to pride himself on. He replaced his skinny jeans with basked ball shorts, boxers with jock straps and baggy band shirts with tank tops. He even let Brock tattoo him. 'Fucking skull comin’ out of flames fucking rad’.
One day Brock asked if he could take Ry somewhere special to him. Ry complied, he owed his bro his new life of course he would go with him. They entered what looked like a school gymnasium and Ry was already elated, just by knowing sports and training happens there. There were a good 20 people there when they arrived, all white skinned, grey haired, Grey suited and over 50.
'Ryan! What an interesting surprise to see you here! I thought you were going to phone the cops if we were to converse again?’
'Hu hu Hu’ Ry laughed dumbly 'you can call me ry now dude! And no fuckin way Bruh you were right. I was fuckin lame as hell before. I used to want to help immigrants and shit but I was at gym today thinkin about the Mexican clearer there what the fuck you doin in MY Country taking that job away from MY people I got so mad but Brock told me To wait till tonight’ Ry said through gritted teeth, not even thinking about how his own mother migrated from Mexico as a child. What would she have said if she could see her little boy right now.
The man smirked 'so I see you’ve also had a change of heart about your psychical fitness?’
'Fuck man muscles are LIFE. I wan nothin more than to be as huge as your son I’d rather die than live without muscles bro. Look how fuckin manly I look I’m fucking king I can’t believe i lived without being the most macho person I can it’s disgusting and pathetic.’
'Very interesting. Well Ry! Welcome to the GOP. We here look after our own kind very very well. And you are one of us Ry. A true American. And in This world, if you’re not American then you’re a piece of shit. America is gods chosen land. And we as republicans follow gods word very heavily. If God says no to abortion, what do you think we say if someone wants an abortion?’
'You’re killing a baby, you shouldn’t have a right to chose what happens in your own body you’re simply a woman Bruh. If you have an abortion you’re going straight to hell’ Ry said as if he were reciting something. Wasn’t he a hman of science, an atheist not long ago?
'Very good! So you see, we are the right party for the best nation on earth? If it’s gods nation, gods party should be in charge. People like you are exempt from basic bible followings, you’re on your way to becoming a God of muscle and you need to constantly prove how much of a man you are in order to gain worship. So you are free to fuck, drink and swear and all other unholy bro activities as you need. Now This is important. We work for a certain Mr trump. He is the most important man in politics today and will make America great again. He is your choice candidate, your idol. I want you to go out and spread not only the republican way but also the way of Mr trump. Is that ok? Also,’ the man who Ry still didn’t know the name of walked over and got a piece of cloth. 'This is the confederate flag. This is the only other flag worth being proud of as well as the Stars and Stripes. Put this on your bedroom wall at home and constantly remember what you stand for. You live with Brock now, your home was too far away from the gym. We’ve been to your flat and burnt all your books, old clothes, old music, everything. It’s Saturday today which means you will be at church tomorrow at ten sharp. Brock will help you. See you this time next week Ry for an update’. With that Brock escorted him out , leaving the elderly men to continue their meeting. Upon walking back to their flat they saw two girls kissing. Ry got furious. What a disgrace.
'Fucking dykes you know you’re going to hell. God hates you and you’re going to fucking burn for eternity’ he snarled.
The girls turned. One looked at him her jaw fell. It was Jane.
’….Ryan…..?’
He looked at her blankly.
'Sorry, I thought… You look kind of like’.
'It’s me Jane. But better. You have to stop this immediately. God will cast you to hell. This nation was built on straight white relationships and that’s how it’ll be again as soon as trump is triumphant.’
'What the - you missed my 21st birthday and you come out of hiding for the first time in weeks looking like… we were so worried , you’ve not attended a single lecture and you’ve.. What have they done to you… My best friend?’
Brock interjected 'Bruh don’t waste your time on ugly non titted rats like her we gotta go pump some iron.’
Ry shrugged. 'Sorry Jane. I’m the embodiment of the perfect man now. I walk into the room and everyone stares. I am a god. I am worshiped and my existence is a miracle. I was born for no other purpose than to be the most alpha man I can. You’re a nothing to society and the longer I waste my breathe on libtards like your ugly self the longer I miss being at the gym. And for the record brah, don’t need class when muscles are life. Who needs dumb ass books when you have trump tellin you what’s good to think, bitches to fuck raw and muscles brah?’ And with that he turned to head out with his new friend.

Ry is now a nationwide presence. He made a rant about how only ignorant libtards don’t listen to what trump tells them and it has nearly 100 million views. Something about this beast with impossibly large biceps really captured even the most left wing of the countrys hearts. Trump is winning by a landslide there is no chance anyone could catch up with him. Rys parents are among the few that are still left wing. They have gone into hiding. Refusing to pay attention to the news. What’s the use in fighting anymore when 89% of the country wants America to be the most right wing, bigoted nation it can be and its your very own precious sons doing?
'Murica.

3

More than this – Stiles Stilinski

( So this is my first Imagine/Fanfiction ever :D I had this Idea and I definitely want to continue this, do you guys want a part 2 ? And also, should I do this OC or Reader ? Since this is my first writing I am really looking forward to some feedback! Thank you <3 )</p>

*gifs are not mine*

[Stiles and (y/n) / OC have been best friend since kindergarten, but what will happen when feelings start to change and jealousy is added to the mix? ]

Warnings: None, just that English is my second language, I hope you don’t mind. :D

I was talking to Kira while walking trough the school hall. We had ten minutes left until our first class started.  We stopped at our lockers, which were  really close together, to put the books away that we didn’t need.

“So what are you doing tonight?” Kira asked me while quickly packing her bag. It made me cringe how she threw the books in the tiny bag, I just knew they would be getting all messed up and the pages would wrinkle. Shaking my head I thought about my damn pet peeves when it came to books. “Hello, anyone home?”  she waved her hands in front of my face and looked kind of offended, probably because I didn’t really listen to her question. Sighing, I responded “Sorry Kira, I just zoned out.  You know me.” She shot me a grin. “Yes I do, you little dork. Sooo now tell me your plans. Are you free tonight?”  

Just as I was about to answer, a slender boy with brown eyes and disheveled  brown hair, also known as Stiles, my best friend since kindergarten, came up behind Kira and replied for me. “No she’s not” he said with a wide grin on his face, that I found really adorable, “because she is coming to our weekly movie night.”  “Oh am i?” I asked teasingly, now also grinning. “Positive. And I already told Scott that you’re going to come and I’m sure he bought vegan sweets and all that weird stuff you eat voluntarily.” He said, giving me a disgusted look. Kira looked amused but also a little disappointed.

I’ve been hanging around with Scott and Stiles a lot more and to be completely honest, I wasn’t there for Kira as much lately. To at least get rid of a little bit of the guilt and to cheer her up, I suggested that she could join us, which earned me an annoyed glance from Stiles, but I didn’t care. Her face lit up immediately, partly because she got to spend time with me, but also because she got to spend time with Scott. I knew how much she liked him. “I would love that! But only if you guys don’t have a problem with it?” Her eyes went to Stiles and I could already tell by the look on his face that he was going to say something stupid. “Well- “ Before he could continue I pushed my elbow – very subtle of course – into his ribs and quickly answered “They are totally okay with it! Just text me later and I’ll tell you the time okay?” “Will do!” she said before heading to her first class.

Turning to my best friend, I crossed my arms in front of my chest and growled “Don’t you get that she likes him? I’m trying to set them up you Idiot! Don’t sabotage my plans!” Instead of reacting to my rudeness, he just put his arm around my shoulders while we were going to biology class and smiled. “A little grumpy today are we?” Somehow his warm arm touching my bare shoulder was giving me an odd feeling, but I instantly pushed that thought away. “No, I just don’t like you being rude to her.  If I want her to join our movie night, she will. Scott wants her there too anyways.” Shaking his head he stopped in front of the class room. “How could I deny our princess anything?” Before I could hit him for that, he entered the classroom and sat down.  

After a long and extremely boring History-lesson I made my way to the cafeteria.  Unfortunately it was Friday, which meant it was pizza day. The pizza was soggy and cheap and tasted absolutely disgusting , but it was still extremely full here. The line for the pizza was literally overflowing. I shivered in disgust at the thought of eating a slice of that garbage.

I was scanning the room for anyone of my friends or at least an empty seat so I could eat my Sandwich in peace. When my eyes caught sight of Stiles I got this weird, clenching ache in my stomach, a feeling I hated. He was sitting next to Malia, laughing at something she said very enthusiastically. Why did I feel like this whenever I saw them together? Just the thought of him getting close to her made me want to punch something. Or throw up. Or both.  I was quickly getting pulled out of my boiling thoughts when Stiles waved me to his table. Malia didn’t look very happy about the fact that I was now joining their little conversation, I always got the feeling she didn’t like me very much. Probably because she’s into Stiles and she thinks there would be something going on between us. Which it totally isn’t.

But now, sitting in front of the boy I spend my entire childhood with, his smile sending all those weird fluttery things in my stomach that you could call butterflies, and the way his lips move when he says my name is just so beautiful and hypnotic that I could stare at him all day…

I wonder. Do I want something to be going on between us? Something more than friendship?

[part 2]

anonymous asked:

Hi! I was wondering, you don't have to do this if you don't want to or if you're too busy or whatever, if you have any tips on doing french characters? I'm thinking of putting a french character in my book and was wondering about maybe some stuff about english/american that's weird to you or something just like, about the french people? Again, you can totally ignore this if you're uncomfortable or if you don't have time, I know you're a busy gal. It would just be super great if you could ^.^

Hi anon ^^

It’s a tricky question because French people can be very different according to the place they live, their social or ethnic background, their education or just because of the fact that we are all different but I’m gonna try to tell you about “general trends” and our relationship with Americans. Here is a (certainly incomplete) list, in no particular order.

- French people have a pretty “dry” and dark sense of humor. If they are a bit “mean” to you, it means that they like you and that you are a part of their circle. Think South Park, Georges Carlin, Chris Rock and even for some people, Jimmy Carr. Also, all the “white guuurls” jokes don’t  make any sense to us. It doesn’t mean that we don’t joke about racial stuff but it’s different. So yeah, we are often pretty violent verbally, but it doesn’t mean we are angry. It can be a bit baffling for foreigners because they don’t know when we are joking or when we are really angry.

- We don’t have the same racial stereotypes. For instance, this racist cliché about black people liking watermelon or chicken is beyond understanding for a French. I remember this hilarious French forum thread about Mary J. Blige being called out because she was in that Burger King commercial 4-5 years ago. People were outraged and didn’t understand why it was such a problem. “If this damn woman wants to be in a commercial, it’s her problem!” - “I don’t understand. Is it because she’s a rap artist and it’s not good for her image?” - “Are vegans not happy or something?”. And it’s finally after the 50th comment that someone explained that the association “chicken/black people” could be seen as racist in the USA and the whooole thread went O____o

- Ok, sorry about that one but….the American “PC culture”. It doesn’t mean that in France everything is allowed or that we are not offended by precise topics, it means that we often have the impression that American are offended by the tiniest things. Whether it’s objectively true or false doesn’t matter: it’s the general impression that we have. For instance, in political debate shows in France, when someone is easily offended, you can be sure that at a  moment or another you are gonna have a “We are not in the USA” (or more recently “We are not in Sweden” - Sorry Sweden :S) from one of the participants.

- No, we don’t hate Americans for fuck’s sake. Ok, sometimes, we tend to see Americans as a bit arrogant (but we see ourselves as fucking arrogant too, don’t worry) but we have for instance nothing against American tourists. We also have a great respect for WW2 veterans:

(US army veteran Jack Schlegel, 91 y.o at the time, in front of the street named after him.)

- Everything is the government’s fault and the government should do something about it (whatever the problem of the moment is)…but on the other hand, it shouldn’t interfere too much either. xD

- French people have no problem finding ways to get around the law when they judge the law is restricting their everyday life and that “we can’t do anything anymore in this fucking country”. Simple example. Before, in cafés and restaurants, you had a smoking and a non-smoking area. It stopped when an anti-smoking law was voted and that all the bars, cafés and restaurants had to become 100% non-smoking. Do you know what happened? The shop owners installed heating devices in the restaurant terraces to give people the possibility to smoke outside and then, they closed the terraces with some sort of plastic wraps. You are outside and inside at the same time. Inside because you are hot and you can eat like in a normal restaurant but outside in regard of the French law.

- We love to complain, we are big mouths. That’s our way of communicating. For instance, this is how French illustrator Uderzo sees us (and it’s also one of the most famous gags in French comics: A fight that starts because of the bad smell of the fish shop. You have one in every volume of Astérix)

- We are a bit pessimistic. We are individualistic (you can see it in the way people act toward each other in the streets, they don’t care about other) but we see the ideas of solidarity and fraternity as important (don’t fucking touch to the NHS). It’s a fucking contradiction. We are also a bit disorganized but as it’s our way of living we don’t realize it. It drives tourists and foreigners living in France nuts.

- We don’t open easily and sometimes we can see as suspicious someone who asks too many questions, particularly in Paris (less in the south, though)

- There’s a great hypocrisy concerning money. We live in a country where the notion of social classes is very important to us, where rich people are often despised and not seen as examples and where we don’t talk about how much we earn…but a lot of us want to be rich: we spent millions of Euros a year in lottery games. Speaking of social classes…

- Our relationship to communism is different. At the time where USA were obsessed to know who was communist and who was not, the communist party was one of the strongest parties in France, particularly among the working class. Consequently, it’s not unusual for a French to have a communist grand-father. In other words don’t freak out if you hear someone says “My grand Pa, who was a member of the Communist Party in the 70′s…”

- Lunch break is important. It baffles foreigners to see how long we take to have lunch even when we are busy. And we are obsessed with “good” food too. Yes, that one is true…even if we are the #1 European con summers when it comes hamburgers. Once again: contradiction.

- Hugging people. That’s not natural at all. Either we kiss people on the cheeks (2 times or 3 times or even 4 times depending on people or on the region they are from. It can awkward sometimes because you never know how many times someone will kiss you), either we shake their hands but hugging feels very…intimate and awkward.

- Secularity. We don’t joke with that shit. The US President ending his speeches with “God bless America” is something you will never see in France. The French President ends up his speeches with “Long live the Republic, long live France”, no reference to God.

- We don’t care about what politicians do with their private life and we don’t expect apologies when it happens. If they cheat on their wife or have 5 mistresses, it’s their problem. When the affair between President Hollande and Julie Gayet became public, a lot of people were not happy that he cheated on his partner, Valérie Trierveiler but the main concern was that he did all this using the tax payers money…and that he got caught because honestly, François, it’s not good for the image of the country.

(At least, we had fun with “scooter memes”)

- There’s a French obsession around a graduation degree called “The Baccalauréat”. French parents ABSOLUTELY want their kids to have this degree…while complaining that this degree has no value anymore because French schools have turned into an idiot factory (”une usine à crétins”)

- There’s a kind of “rivalry” between Paris and the rest of France. Parisians seem to see themselves as better than the rest of the country (it’s not my fault if it’s true…just saying. What? Yes, I’m a Parisian, how did you realize?) and the rest of France sees Parisian as grumpy, cold, despising, full of themselves, stressed sons of bitches. (ok, this is maybe true too but being amazing and fab comes with a price, ok?)

- Names. Like seriously enough with names like Yvette, Nicole or Robert if you write about someone who is in their 20-30′s. Nathan, Lucas, Léo, Gabriel, Timéo, Enzo, Louis, Raphaël, Arthur, Hugo, Jules, Ethan, Adam, Nolan, Tom, Noah, Théo, Sacha, Maël, Mathis. (most given boys names in 2015) and Emma, Lola, Chloé, Inès, Léa, Manon, Jade, Louise, Léna, Lina, Zoé, Lilou, Camille, Sarah, Eva, Alice, Maëlys, Louna, Romane, Juliette (most given girls names in 2015) are fine.
 
- France is a multi-ethnic country….

…so you can have a French character called Fatou or Sofiane. We have a lot of people from African or north-African descent, particularly in big cities. And exactly like French names, the trends have changed when it comes to the names of kids from north-African descents. For instance, bit less Mohamed and Fatima and more Rayan, Anis, Ilyès, or Sara. On the contrary, Asian kids (mainly with parents or grand-parents from China, Thailand, Vietnam) tend to have French names.

- We have a love/hate relationship with our national football team. They are a bunch of rude uneducated thugs with no values..except when they win, of course.

- We don’t care about striped shirts (at the exception of people from Brittany: striped shirts, the famous marinière, is imporiant) and mimes. Unless we are loaded, we don’t wear designer clothes.

- I don’t care what boring French movies with Louis Garrel show you, we don’t live in this kind of apartments (except for some rich people, of course):

And speaking of movies. A lot of French people pretend they know something/care about old movies but a lot of us have never seen a Nouvelle Vague movie. They are even considered as boring and pretentious.

- American supersize stuff. Is it really necessary? I mean, you can feed a family of 4 during two months with some of your portions.

- That thing below…

…is a fucking “pain au chocolat”. Don’t let people from the south west of France tell you it’s a “chocolatine”. They will try to fool you but stay strong my little one!

Voilà! The result of brainstorming with some friends. TLDR: We are loud, full of contradictions, nice if you understand our sense of humor and don’t touch to our NHS.

Good luck to you and happy writing. ♥