I take my shoes off as I walk into the living room, Jared is nowhere to be seen, so I immediately know that he’s in his studio. I walk there and only get my head through the door; for once, the room is pretty
neat and Jared is concentrated reading something on his laptop. I
leave the room quietly and walk into the kitchen to prepare dinner,
I’ve been out all day and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t eaten
already finishing dinner when I feel Jared’s hands wrapping me from
behind, he leaves a small kiss on my neck and I giggle when his beard
smells nice” He whispers, and lets go of me to go to the fridge,
“You had a nice day?”
as always” I mumble, serving pasta on two plates, “Oh, by the
way, before I forget, there’s this thing on Friday…”
from work, it’s her birthday”
can’t on Friday, I gotta work with Emma, we’re planning tour dates
and venues” He says while taking his plate on one hand and a bottle
of water on the other.
Friday night?” I ask, narrowing my eyes.
sorry, babe” Jared apologizes, leaving a small kiss on my forehead,
“I’ll eat in the studio, I haven’t finish work yet”
don’t get to say anything, Jared disappears in a second through the
hallway back to his studio and I’m left alone in the kitchen. I take
my dinner to the living room, I sit in front of the tv and start
eating without even turning it on.
has always been a workaholic, so his attitude didn’t surprised me at
all. I know I must be used to it by now, but it still hurt that his
work came first almost a hundred percent of the time. I have this
ghost boyfriend and after working for two years in the same place,
they were starting to think I had a great imagination by creating
this perfect boyfriend that never shows up for office parties and
happy with Jared, I’ve always been, but I just wanted a little
attention. I wanted something more than a little chat during dinner,
and a kiss before going to sleep, I wanted a real relationship, like
the one we had when we first started.
take my time to finish dinner, I get to rest for a few minutes before
I stand to leave everything in the kitchen. When I walk into Jared’s
office to get his plate, I notice he hasn’t eaten a thing.
you want me to warm it up for you?” I ask him and he gives a little
jump on his sit, surprised by my presence there.
it’s alright, I wasn’t going to keep eaten anyway”
don’t say a thing, take the dish and walk towards the kitchen. I save
what he didn’t ate, and leave his plate with mine in the dishwasher.
I lean on the cabinet and feel the tears starting to run all over my
face. I was starting to feel like I was living with a stranger.
I hear Jared’s worried voice, his hands going straight to my face,
“Are you crying because I didn’t ate your dinner? I’m sorry, it was
delicious! I’m just.. not hungry”
ok, I’m just tired” I mumble avoiding his eyes, “I’ll go to
manage to let go of his hands, but when I reach the door, his hand
reaches my arm.
fine, just let me go to sleep, please”
long have we been dating?” He asks, I tilt my head in confusion, so
he tries again, “Come on, How long?”
years” I whisper, still confused.
years, and you think I’m gonna believe that you are just tired?”
Jared says crossing his arms.
put my hands in my pockets, waiting for him to let me go again, but
seeing that I’m not willing to answer, Jared uses his hand on my arm
to pull me to him. His hand rubs my back, while the other goes to my
head to caress my hair.
just want to sleep, I’m alright” I cry, again.
know you’re not, just talk to me” His hands making their way to my
face, forcing me to look into his eyes. He’s more than worried and I
can see it on how bright his eyes are, he’s scared. “Please”
Jared implores me, watching the tears wetting his hands, “Babe…”
miss you” I sigh, and he finally breaks.
not the type of guy that holds his emotions back, but every time he
breaks, my heart aches. I start feeling goosebumps all over my body,
with Jared walking away from me. But now that I’ve started letting
all this go, I can’t just stop.
barely see you, it’s like you’re married to your work, which is good,
I’ve always loved how committed you are, but… I can’t help but
feel that I’m alone in this”
don’t receive an answer, Jared is leaned on the kitchen island and
all I can see is his back.
day I get home and do my best to get to you, I know I will hardly
ever understand all the stress that you go through with your work,
but I just want… I want you to notice me”
notice you” He replies, still in the same position, “You know I
come on! This week, just this week, how many times have you got in
bed before 3 am?”
answer the damn question!” I shout, letting all the pressure go off
He answers, finally turning around to look at me.
eyes are focused on the door and I see the tears falling freely from
don’t stop, not even for five minutes, to just sit and talk to me, or
eat dinner. Every night I go to bed alone and I can’t stand this
solitude anymore”, I take a minute to breath, hoping to get any
comment from him, but Jared stays silent, “You’re gonna leave for
tour soon, and I’m gonna be alone again, we should be using this
little time we have to spend it together”
eyes are still on the door, maybe thinking of ways to escape this
inevitable conversation, the tears keep running and I notice he’s
started to bite his bottom lip.
not the only one to blame” He finally says, and I gasp when his
eyes lay on me.
so you think I don’t blame myself for everything that is happening?
That I don’t spend all those hours alone in bed thinking that maybe
it was something I did, or said? There are time when you don’t even
touch me, Jared, and it hurts more than your absence and silence”
know I probably look like shit right now, with my make up all over my
face, red eyes and the face wet by the tears, and yet he still looks
like a goddamn fallen angel with his contrite expression and tears.
you still love me, Jared? Or we’re just doing this because it feels
whole body posture and look on his face changes in less than a second
from sad to furious, he even laughs for a second, his hands brushing
his hair out of his eyes. When he acknowledges how surprised I am by
his reaction he laughs again, one of his hands still on his hair.
sorry, I thought you were joking” Jared teases, drying his face
with his sleeve, “Seriously, I can’t believe you just said that”
just what I feel” I sob, “You can’t blame me for thinking
something like that”
course I can't” I try to focus on the floor so I don’t have to see
how annoyed he is, “But it’s my work, you’ve always seen me like
this, we’ve been together for three years, so why now? Is there
something I need to know? Because I’m seriously lost”
I just going mad or is he really trying to imply that I cheated? I
would never, ever do that.
roll my eyes, starting to walk out of the kitchen, but I hear him
shouting my name ordering me to come back.
started this, now we finish it!!”
take a few seconds to rub my sleeves on my cheeks, trying to clean my
face, but actually thinking that I messed everything up even more.
When I return to the kitchen, I meet Jared’s eyes, filled with anger,
arms crossed and lying on one of the counters. I feel a shiver down
my spine and I fold my arms to recover myself.
want me to go on?” I ask him defensive, and once he nods I
continue, “You sure?”
can’t get any worse”
no point of me being here, we moved together to actually be together,
not to live like we are doing now”
done?” I nod, and wait for him to organize his ideas, “My turn
sighs and starts talking.
of all, I’m hurt, how could you possible think that I don’t love
you?!” He shouts, and the shivers come back to my body, “I
fucking love you, we’ve had the most amazing three years together,
we’ve visited all these wonderful places around the world, got
through the most difficult situations, and after all this time, I
love you the same way I’ve done since day one”
feel the tears again and I can’t bear his eyes on mine anymore, so I
choose to focus on my shoes, Jared sighs again and continues.
want everything to be perfect, I spend all my day talking with
people, answering emails, organizing simple things that my stupid
record label can’t manage and I don’t even realize how time flies
around me” He pauses for a minute and I hear his footsteps getting
closer to me, but he stops and stands watching me from a distance,
“Do you think I like being all day fixing what other people messes
up? I even feel guilty by giving that much work to Emma, she’s got to
deal with the same shit that I’ve had to all these years and it’s not
even her band, it’s mine, I decided to get into this”
shuts a few seconds, waiting for me to make a comment, every time
Emma’s name appears in our conversations I don’t react in a good way.
I’ve never believed that nothing has happened between them. So Jared
just waits for me to make a remarkable comment about how I don’t want
to talk about his assistant, but I don’t say a word and he seems
comments on that? Anyway, I’m sure Emma’s topic will come out other
time”, Jared shrugs and continues, “I’m tired, all I want is to
stop working for a second and get in bed with you, but once I realize
that, it’s too late, I can’t even hold my eyes open” Another step
and I finally look at him, “I know you’re awake when I get in bed,
I know that you stay awake to wait for me, and I’m sorry, you work
all day too and…”
don’t compare my job to yours, you know I loose the fight there”
won’t. But, during this whole conversation, have you stopped to think
how I must feel?” I nod, but he laughs, this time, I can feel the
sadness, “I believe you, but I don’t think you can imagine how I
feel with all this situation”
stay quiet, looking at his bright eyes and I see a small smirk, his
hands brush his hair and I notice the tears again.
can’t stand it sometimes, having to be all day in that studio”
Jared shakes his head, starting to dry his tears again and I feel
mine too, he ends up shrugging with a smile and his eyes avoiding
mine, “I can’t blame you for all this, it’s all on me, but I can’t
just leave my work”
know” I sob, “And I’m not gonna force you either”
understand if you leave”
I finally acknowledge what he’s saying, he’s already leaving the
kitchen, still using one of his sleeves to dry the tears. My body
reacts too late to follow him, and once I get to the studio I hear
the click of the lock.
breathing turns heavy and I feel my knees getting weak. I manage to
get to our bedroom and I start crying, letting go all that my chest
held on while talking to Jared. I know he can hear my sobbing and how
I scream trying to control the tears, but he doesn’t comes to see me.
not leaving him, how could I possibly leave the only person that
makes me feel whole? We understand each other, and that’s why we got
along so well. We could easily know what the other was feeling just
by looking at our faces, but now, even though we were still able to
do so, we were ignoring all that we felt.
take off my clothes and lie in bed just in my underwear, I don’t have
the will to get dressed. I spend hours thinking about our
relationship, the good and the bad moments and how the whole
conversation turned out.
clock hits five and I haven’t slept a minute, I don’t know how I’m
still crying, in silence this time. Small sobs come out from time to
time, but I hold my sadness in complete silence. I hear the footsteps
on the stairs, yet I don’t move. When Jared starts taking off his
clothes I don’t turn to say a word, I just stay in the same position,
waiting for him. He gets under the blankets and traces my naked
shoulders with his shaking hands. Goose bumps make my body shiver and
I start sobbing again.
a second…” He says, his voice a little brittle, “I really
thought you were going to leave”
know I wouldn’t do that” I whisper, turning around to face him, “I
love you, and nothing would change that, not even a life away from
rests his forehead on mine, his hand tracing my arm and shoulder,
while the other holds my face.
don’t deserve you” I hear him whisper, and I’m about to protest,
but he silents me with his index finger on my lips, “But I love
you, we love each other, and we’ll get through this, it’s no the
first time we have difficulties”
the first time you let me leave you”
know” Jared mumbles, pulling my body closer to him, “And you
don’t know how fearful that makes me feel”