Rogue: Hey! There’s someone under that bridge! *Waves to him* I wonder if it’s a troll.
Ranger [Rogue’s babysitter]: (Sarcastically) I don’t know, maybe you should go ask him.
Rogue: Good idea!
Ranger: Wait, no- FUCK. I didn’t mean- God damnit…
Fighter: Are you sure you’re the smart one of you two?
Ranger: He just ran under a bridge in search of a troll. I only underestimated his stupidity.
Fighter: Fair enough.
Context : We have two guesting players and they’ve never played before. We’re in an alley and the characters are doing introductions. (Bard is me). The Vampire was annoying the elf guest so the following happened.
Rouge : *punches the Vampire in the face*
Elf Guest : *freezes him*
Vampire : Is now shouting and wriggling on the ground unable to get up.
Bard : “SPIN HIM!!”
Everyone proceeds to start spinning him around like a top and he just KEEPS GETTING FASTER.
Now this is the point at which I mention this tiny fluffy guy ( a yordle or something ) has what is essentially a GRENADE LAUNCHER.
Yordle : “GRENADES INCOMING!!”
He then proceeds to SHOOT GRENADES AT THE SPINNING VAMPIRE
The Vampire is then turned essentially into a helicopter and begins to just
Everyone at the table is dying and the Vampire is very unwell and is jet puking EVERYWHERE.
Long story short he didn’t have a very nice night.
Me: I’m going to do my best to not play a total bitch character this time.
DM: alright sounds good.
*in session, 4 PCs meet. Their parents have known each other for years. Many of them having sexual relations during their travels*
*my Tiefling gets into an argument with the half dragon, while 2 others watch*
Tiefling: Well I know that your mom was kinda crazy. So you looking as scary as you do makes a lot of sense.
Half Dragon: Who the hell do you think you are talking to me about my family like that? You don’t know my parents?
Tiefling: What are you talking about? My mom has fucked your parents!
Everyone (out of character, to me): WHAT THE FUCK!!
DM: You said you wouldn’t be a bitch!
Me: I’m sorry guys…..
Rogue: Say something mean to me.
Ranger: *Sigh* Just do whatever you’re going to do.
Rogue: No, say something mean! That way this will be easier!
Ranger: What if I tell you you’re wasting my fucking time with this stupid conversation?
Rogue: That’ll work. *Proceeds to reopen a bad wound from the prior night.*
Ranger: Why do you do these things?
Rogue: What, it needs to look realistic! *Coughs up blood* …That’s not blood.
Ranger: Just. Stop and hurry up so I can heal you and then smack you again.
Rogue: Fair enough!