valley times

Mom Deals With Local Traffic

When I was a wee thing, my parents moved out the the Highly dubious condo in East Palo Alto and into a relatively nice suburban neighborhood, into a house immediately across the street from my new elementary school.  Immediate, as in, less than 40 feet from the traffic circle.   Mom would wave at me from the driveway sometimes while I was in class.  This should have made getting me to and from school easy, but there was an issue:

I still had to cross the street, and because I was living in the over-caffeinated heart of silicon valley at the time, that meant dodging the local commuters barreling through the school zone at upwards of 40 miles per hour with no regard for the stop signs.

The flashing “School Zone” signs were ignored.  
The city refused to put in speed bumps or devote extra patrol cars.
One of my classmates grandmother’s volunteered as crossing guard, and some jackass in a BMW ran over her foot on the first day.

Now, mom declared as we drove Mrs. Manchez to the hospital her foot in a beer cooler full of ice, Would be a good time to take the law into my own hands.

So after dropping Mrs. Manchez off at the hospital, we drove to the thrift store, where my mom found a navy blazer, aviator sunglasses, a pilot’s cap and an old, clunky-looking hair dryer.  

The next morning, mom went out to the sidewalk in her new “uniform”, with the hair dryer and a legal pad so she could write down the grocery list.  Every time a car would come roaring down the road, Mom would look up, point the hairdryer at them, and, and write something down.  

I remember listening to brakes squeal all day the first time she tried it, Mercedes and BMWs screeching to a crawl as they passed the school, glaring at her.   By that afternoon, cars were creeping along at an over-cautious 10mph, and I was able to get home without taking my life into my hands.

After that, Mom went out “in uniform” every couple of days, because intermittent re-enforcement is what REALLY gets a change in behavior going, and point the hair dryer at anyone speeding through the school zone, usually while writing down grocery lists or short stories, or drawing unflattering caricatures of the other PTA moms.

Eventually, however, one of the cars that came through was a patrol car, and he slowly pulled to a halt in front of mom, glaring at her though his own reflective glasses.

She smiled an waved the hair dryer.  “Good afternoon!”

“…What’re you doing?”  he groaned, 3 in the afternoon entirely too early for this shit.

“Writin’ a grocery list.”  She beamed, and when that failed to satisfy him, she explained about the speeding problem and that if they couldn’t send a partol car out here to ticket people regularly, she figured that a hair dryer would be the next best thing.  Working like a charm so far.  They didn’t even notice the little airplanes on the Pilot’s hat.

The officer stared at her for a moment longer before his face broke out into a slow grin.  “Y’know, when we’re out of a car, we usually wear visibility vests.  So more people see you and your… Phaser.”

And that’s the story of how Mom and Officer Brown met and started the neighborhood watch program.

3

I recently started playing Stardew Valley and BOY I did not expect to fall for three guys at once. It’s year 2 and I still can’t decide who to woo. They’re all just so precious <3

8

Hey guys! Looking to do some commissions! Message me if you’re interested! Im interested in video games, anime, cartoons and basically anything you’d like! So just hit me up if you want to discuss anything! Thankyou!

stardew valley gothic

• the time passes so quickly yet so slowly. it’s been a week, it’s been months, it’s been years. you do not age. nobody ages. the children don’t grow up. you start forgetting everything about your life before. you live here. you’ve always lived here.
• when it rains, you hear strange faraway howls and screams that fill you with primal terror. you never stay outside for long on rainy days.
• your crops grow within days. you plant seeds in the ground. ten days later, the fields are overgrown with corn.
• you find things when you dig in the dirt. roots, clay, stone. books. skulls that don’t look like they belong to any animal you know.
• there are only two channels on tv. the weather and the fortune teller. it doesn’t matter when you turn it on, the weather program is only just starting. “it will be sunny tomorrow” the weatherman says with empty eyes and a too-wide smile. you flip to the fortune teller’s channel. “the spirits are in a bad mood today” she says, “be careful”. you shiver, and decide not to go to the mines today.
• have you always been so strong? you can chop down a tree in minutes and you can carry hundreds of stones in your backpack.
• you wake up at exactly 6 every morning. you can’t wake up earlier, or later.
• sometimes your scarecrows are not planted where they were yesterday.
• you hear whispers in the old community center. you can almost see something indiscernable out of the corner of your eye. you bring offerings, hoping to appease the spirits.
• today it’s winter. you swear two days ago it was summer.
• the berries you found in the woods have a strange metallic taste. their juices stain your mouth red. you keep eating them anyway.
• nobody ages. nobody ages. nobody ages. what year is it?
• you keep bringing offerings in the old community center. honey, milk, wine, peaches, dead animals. there are never enough offerings.
• the fruit bats that live in the small cave near your house leave fruit for you. they bring you out of season fruit, exotic fruit, fruit that comes from halfway across the world, fruit that you’ve never seen before.
• the wizard granted you the power to understand the spirits that live in the old community center. now you wish he hadn’t.
• every night when you get home, you lock the door and close the windows. every morning when you wake up, your cat is somehow inside the house.
• the train passes through stardew valley sometimes, but never stops. you can hear howls coming from it.
• you try talking to the people in the village, but they always seem to be repeating the same things. “do you have any blueberries?”, asks lewis for the 14th time this month.
• there are things in the mines. don’t go into the mines.
• “we’re insulated from the rest of the world here” says demetrius. now that you think of it, you have never received a letter or a phone call from the outside world. is there even an outside world?
• there is a bath house, north of the town. there is never anyone there, but the electricity works and the water runs. when you enter the locker room, there is a bathing suit just your size waiting for you. the water in the big bath is milky. you can’t see the bottom. you enter it anyway. when you exit, you feel happy and energised. you have nothing to worry about. come back soon!
• the bus to calico desert is out of service. the road to calico desert is out of service. do not go to calico desert. do not ask about calico desert. do no think about calico desert. there is no calico desert.
• you are out late at night, gathering berries. at exactly two am, something knocks you out. you wake up in your bed the following morning. don’t think about it. go to sleep.
• you try staying up past two am the following night, only to be knocked out again. go to sleep. go to sleep. go to sleep.
• you have been here for a couple of weeks, or maybe for decades. nothing changes. you can’t die. you can’t die. you can’t die.

schniggles  asked:

I would be so very, very interested in your take on a Stardew Valley fic

Elliot opened the door to his cabin, and nearly fell backwards, swallowing an unbecoming shriek of surprise.

The woman who’d claimed the old farm west of Pelican Town was standing right outside his door. Her dark eyes were wide and wild, blue hair frayed and flying in every direction, green slime and rust smudged over her cheeks. The hem of her white dress was tattered, touched with the mud that soaked her heavy boots.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hello?” he said. “Are you hurt?” He thought that some of the mud might have been bruises, but it was hard to tell.

She laughed like a jug full of rocks. “Yeah,” she said. She hadn’t taken her eyes off of him. “You weren’t here this morning so I went to the mine.” She had a pickaxe and a sword strapped to her back, both looking worn and battered.

“Would you like me to call Harvey?” he asked, because the longer he looked at her the more she looked as if she was about to collapse.

“No, I’ll probably just go to bed,” she said, pulling her backpack in front of her so that she could dig through it.

“It really seems like you should go to the hosp–”

He was interrupted when she shoved something towards him.

“I got you this lobster,” she said.

It was in poor shape, having apparently been kept at the bottom of her bag, beneath raw ore and berries and sharp hunks of crystal. He took it very gingerly from her with the tips of well-manicured fingers. Hers were chewed ragged and covered in dirt.

“This is a beautiful gift,” he assured her. “Thank you.”

She beamed. Her teeth were stained red.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to–”

“Okay, bye,” she said, turning to run back toward the bridge into town. Elliot was left standing in the doorway to his cabin, spotless from his boots to his cravat, holding a disfigured lobster covered in gold dust and crushed salmonberries.

He looked at the lobster.

“… I wonder if she likes poetry.”