utter despair nj

THE FUTURIST! hears some satisfied grunting, therefore:

IF IT’S TUESDAY,
IT MUST BE …

the second day of the week that encompasses the days before the Easter holiday. 

This means that Oliver, one of the Utter Despair, NJ local farm hogs, takes his annual vacation break away from the sty and the hay and the dreary routine of lolling in thick mud and goes down to the Jersey Shore until the holiday is over. It’s sort of like Oliver’s Spring Break.

Actually, it’s because he is one crafty farm hog and knows that, at least, one of his fellow pigs will be served up for the Easter ham cuisine with a side of fresh spring peas, scalloped potatoes, and a hard boiled egg or two. Oliver knows that one week is allowed for a restorative jaunt by the liberal Mr. Felderbelt for each of his livestock. 

So, let Gertrude the hen or Danny the duck or Harry the horse take Memorial Day weekend or 4th of July week or Christmas week. Oliver knows how to escape the knife of Life, even IF the Jersey Shore is a bit chilly at this time of year. He always finds fine accommodations in the wet sand and lots of refuse to root into under the boardwalk.

See you next Monday, Oliver, you fat smelly mastermind!

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EXISTENTIAL STAR WARS 

(in French with English Subtitles)

Now showing in the

MOVIES IN THE PARK SUMMER SERIES in Utter Despair, NJ

THE FUTURIST! presents …

TALES FROM THE 9 WICKED LIVES OF MEOWCHIAVELLI

THE FUTURIST! was sad to hear that the Ferguson’s cat, Truman Catpote, was somehow coerced by Meowchiavelli to be the “Wheel Cat” in a getaway car … while Meowchiavelli broke into a residence on Murder at the Vicarage Road to steal a herbally seasoned free range rotisserie chicken.

Meowchiavelli, as evil as expected, ran out the back of the house with the delicious smelling seasoned hen after he heard people outside exclaiming: “Is that a cat in that car?” and left Truman holding to “face the discordant music”.

Truman Catpote was apprehended by The Utter Despair NJ Animal Control Warden who incarcerated him until the Fergusons could be contacted.

Truman Catpote has been charged with the theft of an automobile, blocking a driveway, and damaging the interior of the vehicle after involuntarily urinating, in fright, after he was snatched by the scruff of his neck from  the car seat.

GETTING TO KNOW UTTER DESPAIR, NJ

(sponsored by the chamber of commerce)

THE FUTURIST! asks you meet the staff at DateWithDestiny, the computer dating service located in downtown Utter Despair. They are here to serve you in experiencing awkward, melancholy and time wasting moments in your life with people of the opposite or same gender (and spending money for the privilege).

Since 1962.

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MUSIC to be played as THE FUTURIST! drives home (very late) from work

Ah, THE FUTURIST! knows:

IF IT’S TUESDAY,
IT MUST BE …

… well, if it’s the FIRST Tuesday in September that means it’s the first day of school in Utter Despair NJ. 

Above you can see this photo of past students lining up outside the SYLVIA PLATH SCHOOL in their uniforms and book bags at the ready. And, of course, they are sporting not only the required uniform dress code, but also the appropriate dour sad faces full of despair and expressions of dashed hopes.

Yes, you might spy THE VERY YOUNG THE FUTURIST! in this photo. He may be that young man in the front on the right who looks like his life is over before attendance is called or he may be one of the several boys back on the right.

He does know he is not the taller boy on the right behind the first boy. Do you see his side glance of consternation and apparent evil thought? That was Barnaby Barnstable. He is looking at Horton Gainesville who is the boy on the left with eyeglasses. Barnaby was planning a horrid attack of abuse for Horton after school that involved depantsing and a leftover tuna fish sandwich from lunch period. 

And THE FUTURIST! does know he is not one of the boys racing around a tree in the background … unless he IS the young boy the other boys are chasing with a tree branch stick covered in dog feces. 

Let’s leave that up to the imagination, Dear Readers.

Aren’t the best things left up to that power of the human mind that aids in fogging over past or current misery?

THE FUTURIST! takes you to another …

IF IT’S TUESDAY …
IT MUST BE …

The day THE FUTURIST! decides to call that phone number on the marquee and finally lease his Dream.

But he will find that you can’t buy it or even negotiate or even get it for free. 

A Dream always involves monthly psychological payments.

Oh, Life, you cruel seductive emotional interest-bearing mistress. 

THE FUTURIST!’s favorite Disney Animated feature is PINOCCHIO.  In fact, it was, in one of its many theatrical re-releases, the first movie he experienced as a child.

AS is typical of an Utter Despair NJ denizen, this is a cel drawing, he owns, of the motion picture.

Located in Utter Despair, NJ, DISNEY DESPAIR is a shop specializing in the worst, most heart broken sequences from the films on animated cel drawings for purchase. 

SCENES FROM UTTER DESPAIR NJ

THE FUTURIST! thought he’d snap this picture of a friend sporting his new Easter holiday broad striped Prince Albert Coat as he modeled it in the early morning on the boulevard.

He does strike a furtive “I Think the Spies from that European Organization Are Onto Me” pose …however he was sideswiped by a 2004 Nissan Sentra, shortly after the shutter clicked, which was driven by an early morning shift shelver worker at the nearby Barnes & Noble Bookstore.

Don’t worry, He’s okay. The Prince Albert Coat, though, is a bit macadam maimed. It is not ready for Easter Prime Time at the grandparent’s house.

TALES FROM UTTER DESPAIR NJ

THE FUTURIST! was told recently by a psychic at a friend’s party that he “would not be around after October 2016” … then the psychic said she liked his blue eyes because they enabled deeper soul searching; she commented on his pink shirt and blue patterned tie, as well … all positive thoughts, except for the possible death intimations for 2016. (THE FUTURIST! will not have to worry about Christmas gifts that year)

On further investigation, THE FUTURIST! asked a friend who drinks a lot what they believed about this psychic’s forecast. The friend said that he believed THE FUTURIST! would come back as an animal (he believes in reincarnation) and he was positive it would be a dog.

Pictured above is a possible FUTURE picture of THE FUTURIST! reincarnated as an Akita dog having a martini. 

Hopefully that full ashtray is not from the dog. THE FUTURIST! does not smoke and prays he does not pick up the habit as a canine.

TALES FROM THE FUTURIST!’S VACATION

THE FUTURIST! is very upset with the Valet Parking Attendant at the new restaurant in Utter Despair, NJ called

THE SURF AND TURF OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE.

The Management MUST not have him dress like some hipster gladiator or self-absorbed Centurion (he was taking phone Selfies as THE FUTURIST! drove up to the entrance) …

and the metal plating of his chest armor scratched the interior and driver’s door of THE FUTURIST!’s Ford Focus.

PLUS, he drove away like Ben-Hur racing Stephen Boyd to the finish line.

Outrageous.

Oh, but The Caesar Salad was pretty good.