use a spork

Spock: I need to leave and make little Vulcans

Jim: I need you Spock

Spock: Anyways so like I was saying where to next Captain

A Brief History of the Spork

The most grievous and recurrent misconception about the spork is that its name is a portmanteau of “spoon” and “fork.” Being part spoon and part fork this seems like the most obvious origin, but in fact the spork was invented by Edwin C. Sporke in New Orleans. Sporke invented the Spork in 1776, and the year is no coincidence. The story of the Spork is in fact, the story of the United States of America.

The year was 1773 and the industrial revolution was in its first decades. The colonists that would form the government of the United States were just arriving in the 13 colonies. At the age of 21, Thomas Jefferson had just been fired from his job in tech support at the University of Oxford. The only record of his duties there suggests that he mostly cleaned the old valuable globes, clocks, compasses, and the Ancient Abacus of Ankh-Ent-Ah-Baccus, where he is noted as having done a substandard job at removing abacus lint from the device. With no job and no prospects in England, Jefferson moved on up to the colonies in America, where he could begin a new life.

Jefferson came to America with only $7 to his name, and those dollars were worthless as the U.S. Treasury would not be formed for another 25 years. He arrived at the port of New Orleans, which was at the time called “Orleans-To-Be.” He had at the time no interest in politics, and applied to work at the only English-speaking establishment in the town. His days at McDonalds were unproductive. He slaughtered the cattle for beef, he peeled the potatoes for french fries, and he ground the bones for bread, which was made from bone powder before the evolution of wheat. But one important thing happened in his years at the restaurant: He met Edwin C. Sporke.

Sporke had arrived from Norway the year prior, and changed his name from Edvald Cornelius Sporkbeklagerdenfalskenorskenavnet to Edwin C. Sporke. Jefferson first saw him when he picked up his order for a Mutton McGruelbowl. Sporke sat down and, to Jefferson’s dismay, began trying to eat the liquid gruel with a fork. Curious, he brought the man a spoon and asked why he wasn’t using it instead. Sporke explained that spoons had been banned in Norway for hundreds of years owing to the infamous “Blood Spooning” of Vikings, from whom the Christian monarchy wanted to distance themselves. Jefferson encouraged Sporke to try, but he was hesitant. Finally, he agreed to eat the gruel with both at the same time, overlapping. The spork was born.

Because it could eat gruel more efficiently than a spoon or fork on their own, Raymond McDonald immediately began producing the utensil. This was done at first by having Jefferson weld spoons to forks, a job he so detested that he left for the east coast, taking the idea with him and keeping (most of) Sporke’s name attached, promising him royalties. Upon his arrival, Jefferson saw the next thing that would revolutionize the way we eat: The assembly line.

Famous entrepeneur- entrepeneuer– entreprenur—- famous businessman Henry Ford was living in New York, growing very rich with his mass constructed horse drawn carriages. Jefferson was impressed with the method, and immediately endeavored to accomplish a mass produced spork by means of his diligence, hard work, and persistence in buying slaves to do his real work for him. Among his early customers was Benjamin Franklin, who would go on to play so an integral role in the founding of the United States that well over 0.04% of Americans can tell you his role even today. Franklin loved the idea of the spork and showed it to George Washington, who could only eat gruel owing to the loss of his teeth in bad poker game in 1771. The men got along splendidly, and the rest, as they say, is history.

For Jefferson and the country at least. Records of Edwin Sporke are fewer and less revolutionary. Sporke never got any royalties. Whether Jefferson never sent them or whether they were stolen by railroad bandits en route will never be known, but as railroads only began delivering mail after 1804, most historians suspect Jefferson cheated Sporke out of his share of the profits. The only thing we now know for certain about Sporke is that he died in 1779, stabbed to death with his own invention during an argument over whether zebras were striped or spotted. Sporke not only died in the encounter, but made a fool of himself by claiming that the animals were spotted, having been tricked at a local zoo that displayed a dalmatian claimed to be the elusive African zebra.

But thankfully we now know his name, and his fate, and his integral role in the building of both the U.S.A. and the spork that bears his name. In this respect he remains far more fortunate than Muḥammad ibn Muḥammad al-Nafzawi, who invented the spork in 1211 in Tunisia and is not remembered in any European history books at all for obvious reasons.

  • Me at 4am: Okay but like...wouldn't Lance technically speaking be pan? I mean, we're all just assuming there's a two gender binary that the aliens have but they're also as a whole advanced races who are far more intelligent than any human and more technologically advanced so wouldn't they realize gender roles are just hindering to society and throw those out in order to expand upon their empires? I mean, they use sporks...why wouldn't they just live their lives how they wanted to?
  • Person: Go the fuck to sleep
A Sword, A Little Bit Of Magic, And A Whole Lot Of Pizza

This story was made in part of the @phandomreversebang, based on these art posts by @myawfod, and edited by @smiles-are-toxic! Make sure to check out the art before reading!

Summary: When Dan and Phil are following strange dark creatures that appeared out of nowhere in London, things go wrong and they end up being sucked into an alternate dimension, where magic exists and they must find a way to use it in order to contain the creatures before they completely overrun this new world. Warning: contains the use of ‘spork’ as an insult, the destruction of a perfectly good library book, and questionable pizza physics. 

Length: 15k words 

Themes: alternate universe (literally), magic, alternate dimension, prophecy, two dorks trying to survive in an alternate dimension, fluff, light pining

 In the corner booth of the pizza parlour sat two boys. College-aged, maybe a bit older. They talked quietly over an already half-eaten pizza. They blended in just fine with the other customers in the shop, save for the fact that they smelled a little off. But they knew that they didn’t quite belong. These boys weren’t from this city, or even this country. In fact… these boys weren’t even from this dimension.

 And this is where our story begins. Two boys, in a pizza shop, with hardly an idea how they got here and no idea how to get home, but some idea of why they’re here. But I suppose, in order to understand fully what’s going on, we have to start at the beginning.

“Come on Phil,” Dan muttered quietly, crouching as he crept along. “I think I saw another one.”

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i have this weird headcanon that mikey continually snaps plastic utensils in half when he uses them, bc he always applies too much pressure with his fingers. i do this when i’m distracted and i feel like he’s also the sort to do so, and he just complains about it instead of learning to pay attention better.

donnie, delicately and properly using a spork: “you know you could just apply less pressure, right? or pay attention in general?”

mikey, on his third spork that meal: “um. no???”

Kat’s 600 Follower Challenge

OMG! I have 605 people following me! 605!!! To me that seems like A LOT of people, especially since I am not the most active person, and sometimes my writing is shit, lol. But I still can’t get over the fact 600+ people stuck around to read my fanfics that write at 3 am. So as a celebration I am hosting a challenge!!! A prompt challenge to be exact, and I am super excited!

Originally posted by shawnasgonnagif

Here are the rules if you would like to join;

1. Since this is a prompt challenge, there will be a list of quotes below that are ranged from (mainly) comedic to severely angst-y. If you decide to participate go ahead and send me an ASK saying which prompt you want, the pairing (or none at all if you choose), and a backup.

2. You don’t have to be following me, but it would be nice.

3. You may choose a ship, but I would prefer only reader inserts :)

4. No minimum or maximum word count, except if your fic is more 500 words and does not have a cut I WILL NOT reblog.

5. Any genre is welcome, angst, fluff, smut, etc. Including AU’s, I welcome all!

6. You MUST tag me in your work and add ‘Kat’s 600 follower challenge’. 

. The due date is July 1st, and sign ups end whenever the prompts are all taken.

Now onto the prompts! 

“What happened to you? It looks like you sucked Satan’s dick!” @cenagirlsrda 

“I’m not supposed to be here. And you know it.”

“Do you know how I feel? Do you know the thoughts that are swimming around in my head?”

“I could really use a fucking spork right now so I can stab you with it.” @magicalunicorn84 

“Oh yeah, that’s right, I forgot that you’re a fucking psychopath!” @scarygoodfanfics

“Love is like a dangerous war zone, and I swore to myself that I would never surrender.”

“Please, shut the fuck up and chew your damn bubblegum bitch!”

“I swear, bitches be crazy!”

“In a way I kind of hate it. But a part of me loves it.” @twdjunkie2 

“I hate fish. It’s a dead part of the ocean in your mouth.”

“You need Jensen… I mean Jesus!” @deanjensengirlmaggie

“Don’t look at the dildos!” @bulletscrossbowpie

“Please, for the love of God, shut the fuck up.”

“Wow, okay, and we’re straight to bitch.”

“You smell like a sewer.”

“Those bitches ate my pie!”

“Is that, coke?”

“Who’s your daddy, bitch!”

“Please, spare me the details.”

“Well, you seem to be a collector of wallets.”

“I want a unicorn!”

“Maybe I’ll see you around…not too soon though.”

Tagging some of my peeps to spread the word faster:@purgatoan @torn-and-frayed @cascar24 @sandlee44 @jxackles @supernotnaturalcas @teamfreewill-imagine @lovin-ackles @nichelle-my-belle @crowleysplaythings @huntertales @deanscolette @deanandidrinkcoffee @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog @deanwritings @dirtysupernaturalimagines @bringmesomepie56 @chaos-and-the-calm67 @chelsea072498 @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @angelkurenai @sincerelysaraahh @sis-tafics @winchesterenthusiast @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @letsgetoutalive @5minutefanfiction @mrswhozeewhatsis @balthazars-muse @bloodyrayofsunshine @ellen-reincarnated1967 @juicifer @frenchybell @hasta-impalasta @impala-dreamer @its-my-perky-nipples @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious @roxy-davenport @samsgoddess @deandoessomethingstome @for-the-love-of-dean @deansleather @spn-fan-girl-173 @cici0507 @ilovedean-spn2 @deals-with-demons @buckysmetallicstump @charliebradbury1104 @deathtonormalacy56 @jayankles @kittenofdoomage