urge

I don’t have the urge to jump in front of cars anymore. Or to swallow a bottle of pills so I can sleep forever. I don’t skip meals anymore, or scream until I have no voice. I don’t shove people away as much. I go out and hang with friends. I would like to say I’m cured. But that would be a lie. The truth is; I’m just okay. Because yes the above is true, but I still occasionally have intrusive thoughts that cross my mind. I don’t always look when crossing the street. And sometimes I’ll take more sleeping pills then the bottle recommends. And sometimes I’ll scratch myself to leave that comforting mark that calms me down but if you were to ask me “how are you doing?” I would probably lie and say “I’m doing well.” Because yes I feel like my world is dim, but I no longer feel like I’m drowning.
—  I’ll keep my head above the surface just long enough to catch my breath.