Imagine talking with your favorite character online while you’re having problems at home with your family, and the two of you talk about the future, when you’ll be away from your family and living with your favorite character instead. You both wish that that future could arrive quicker
Imagine getting into a fight with your favorite character, and you both avoid each other for a few days, neither of you willing to apologize at all. However, the two of you start missing each other and feeling bad about what happened, but you are still hesitant about talking with them. They take the initiative, and send you a text asking if they can facetime with you so they can apologize and talk it out with you
I’m starting to get bad again.
I’m starting to get sad again.
I’m replacing feelings with sex again.
I’m replacing everything with drugs again. Why does this keep happening?
Why can’t I be happy?
Why is everything shit again?
Why can’t I breathe again?
Because of all those pills I downed
Because of all the whiskey
Because of all those hits I took.
Because of all the needles.
Because of all the cuts.
I’m getting dizzy, fuck it’s blurry.
I feel like I am trapped.
I know I’m getting bad again…
Someone make it stop…
It’s the worst in the morning, when I wake up. Because I woke up for 9 months being loved and being in love. Now I have to realise that that is not the reality anymore. I have to rethink what happened. I have to replay him breaking my heart every morning just so I understand what the world is like that I’m waking up to. I have to understand that I’m not waking up to that morning text. That I don’t get to see that smiling face on my lock screen. That I don’t have the excitement of him visiting me today, or tomorrow, or ever. I have to enter the word knowing that he doesn’t care for me or love me anymore. I have to wake up wondering whether today is going to be the first day that I don’t have to re do my makeup 3 or 4 times because I can’t help but cry when I see myself staring back because that face wasn’t good enough. Wondering whether it will be the first day I can safely sit in a car and it not fall too silent that I’m left alone with my thoughts again. I have to think positively that today will be the day that someone will ask me if I’m okay and I’ll reply “yes”, and I’ll not be lying. I have to not be physically upset because it upsets my mum and frustrates her that she can’t help. I have to smile for my friends because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable. I have to do things that scare me without the security net of knowing I can tell him about it later and he’ll just hold me and tell me it will be okay. And on the rare occasions when I actually laugh and are entertained by someone I have to rethink as my first thought is “oh he’ll find that funny”, but he wouldn’t anymore because I’m not a source of happiness for him anymore.
Sometimes it’s worse at night, when I’m trying to go to sleep. Because you’re alone. Completely and utterly, just you and your head. Your head that for some reason is trying to work against you by constantly reminding you. That voice used to be the last thing I heard over a Skype call before I fell into a dream that was only him. It used to soothe me. I still soothes me. It’s the only thing that does. The words that once soothed me now crush and smash up my heart because I know I’ll never hear them again. Even when I do call to hear him, and his words are blunt and uninterested in me, they still make me happier although the content of what he’s saying hold no emotion. I just wish that a light would switch on in the hall way and I could hear the familiar jog up the stairs as he used to eagerly run to see me. But I know it won’t come on, it will just stay dark. I’m not as scared of the dark anymore because I know that anything that could come out of it could not be as scary as the prospect of my world without him. And any physical pain they may inflict on me won’t match the hurt that he caused me. My whole being yearns to hear that sharp pinging noise coming from my phone, just the simple text that reassures me of your love. I don’t know how I can yearn for that as there’s no way to reassure me of something that no longer exists