unrealistic dreams

There’s a group of boys at school who were sort of mean to me last year and I really wish one of them would ask me to homecoming or something in a very public manner so that I could embarrass them in front of a ton of people by saying that I’d rather gouge my own eyes out than go on a date with them. Or something along those lines.

I want to meet a boy who likes me for me. Someone older, taller. Someone who I can laugh with, drink with, get high with, dance with and explore with. Someone who I can be an idiot with. I want someone to get drunk with and run through the rain. I want someone to lay on the beach, under the stars in complete silence with. Someone who I sit with, at 3 in the morning under the stars in silence, or talking about complete shit. I want someone who will tell me everything will be okay in the end. Someone to be spontaneous with. Someone who accepts my overwhelming flaws. Someone who makes me smile. 

I just want something real and not shit to happen in my life for once.

I want to be that girl that a brilliant boy wants.

I want to feel alive.

I want to feel wanted.

A Family Dinner
  • Aunt:What are your plans for the future?
  • Uncle:What subjects are you doing next year?
  • Mother:She wants to be an author
  • Grandfather:She should be a doctor. Isn't she smart enough
  • Father:She needs a stable career like IT or accounting
  • Mother:It could be hard for her to make it
  • Grandma:How are your grades?
  • Me:....
  • Me:....
  • Me:...
  • Me:I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

Whenever I stop playing my positive music, I can hear all of the negative thoughts in my head. I wish I could just make a soundtrack for my life with all uplifting music that would play all of the time and would made me feel great all of the time.