unloved for now

I realized that I cannot unlove you.
So now my heart has a new prayer.
I pray that you’ll find happiness.
And in return , I will find mine.
I pray that someone will love me the way I loved you.
And may I love this person a thousand fold more than you.
By then I’m sure my heart will stop looking for you.
—  A Prayer For My Heart // Conee Berdera
I realized that I cannot unlove you.
 So now my heart has a new prayer.
I pray that you’ll find happiness.
 And in return, I will find mine.
 I pray that someone will love me the way I loved you.
 And may I love this person a thousand fold more than you.
 By then I’m sure my heart will stop looking for you.

southsidestory  asked:

“Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you were meant to be.” GIVE ME CONTEXT (*coughs* with smut *coughs*)

Heeeeey this is NSFW.

It was cold in the cave, the sound of dripping water loud in the silence and the dark that surrounded her. It was dim enough that she didn’t have to close her eyes, but she did. She took comfort in the knowledge that the dark she saw was her own, created with the drawing down of her eyelids.

Kylo hated this most of all, but even as one who chafed against tradition, he had to concede to the power of meditation.

Rey took a breath in, then grounded herself in her reality on the exhale. She was alone in a cave with Kylo Ren. She was nude, had been for days, and her skin was bruised and still sweat-damp from earlier. The cloth beneath her was Kylo’s cape, and it was as rough as its owner, the material biting into her naked, sensitive skin even as she sat stone-still. 

A breath in. A breath out. 

She sensed Kylo pacing a dozen yards away, his bare feet quiet on the stone floor of their dripping bunker. He had the slightest limp from a blow she landed two days ago. Louder still was the power that crackled around him, the erratic, frantic twin to the Force that flowed through her.

A breath in. A breath out.

Kylo Ren was the only one to ever come back. Her family left. Luke Left. She was unteachable, unlovable, and now she trained and fucked and slept in a cave with the only thing that wanted to keep her–

A breath in. A breath out.

Kylo knelt before her. She felt the air move, yes, but she felt his energy move much more keenly. She’d sooner notice him shift his weight from one foot to the other than she’d notice an explosion in the night sky. Rey was supposedly one with the Force, but the only kinship her soul felt was with the tarnished one that lived within the Jedi Killer.

A breath in. A breath out.

Rey had been his last Jedi kill. She never made it past basic forms, thanks to him. One split rock, one confessed dark thought, and the chance of Luke Skywalker making one last Jedi died. It was his fault. Kylo Ren’s fault. He made her into this long before they crawled into their hole.

A breath in. A breath out.

“Let the past die,” he said. His voice was gentle, and her well trained body responded with heat and wet. “Kill it, if you have to.” Soft. Hesitant. Careful. He was more tender with her than she’d ever known a person to be. He made her ache all over with how he dampened his rage to be with her. “That’s the only way to become what you were meant to be.”

Rey opened her eyes. “Who told you that?” she asked.

He bent, bringing his eyes level to hers, barely visible in the dim. “It’s doesn’t matter. I’m telling you now.”

She shook her head. “It was Snoke,” she hissed, making to stand. Kylo knocked her onto her back instead, crawling over her.

“And I killed him. I killed that past. Now I’m free.”

A crude bark of laughter rang from her, and he silenced her with a wide hand cupped over her sex. He touched, caressed, tempted her eyes to close again.

A breath in. A breath out. 

“Are you?” she asked as he worked his way inside, curling and stroking and pressing. “A cave on a forgotten planet is your freedom?” She gasped, arched.

“No,” he answered. He pulled away his hand, brought his fingers to his lips. “You are.”

He settled heavy on top of her, spreading her thighs wide as he brought himself home in one long, slow thrust.

Rey groaned, clutched at his hair, bit his shoulder. “And will you kill me, too?” she asked, her voice thin and accusing. “Am I another idol to topple?”

He shook his head, thrusting hard, fitting his fingers into the bruises on her hips, gripping just-so, making certain that the marks would never have a chance to fade. “No,” he said again. His voice wasn’t gentle now. “It’s finished. This is what I’m meant to be.”

“What,” she panted, her heat rising, her thoughts dissolving into something thin and easily navigable. A fine mist for Kylo Ren to walk through. “What are you, then?”

A breath in. A breath out.


Hey Arnold!, and why it’s still important today

Less than a year ago my fiancee and I took to rewatching Hey Arnold! for the first time in YEARS to prep for The Jungle Movie. Having been obsessed with it when I was a kid, I knew the show like the back of my hand, so I went through and made a “best of” list of episodes, and we watched those.

Aaaand immediately went back to the beginning and watched ALL of them.

AAAAND went back AGAIN because revisiting this show has been so fun for me, and it just puts me in a good, good place. Since this (eternal) marathon began, I’ve wanted to do a big ol’ overview of the show itself, and why it’s important. It’s very diverse, and from a time when that really wasn’t what kids’ shows were striving for like they are today. There are tons of characters of color, different religions, sexualities, social classes, etc, and I kind of need this show to get the love and attention it so deserves. It’s really kinda gone unloved for a long while now (which is understandable, it’s been off the air since 2002), and I just know it’d be a huge deal if more people knew/remembered how inclusive it was. I’m kicking myself for not writing this sooner, but I’m holding out hope for Nick to greenlight a new series, and my dearest wish is that I can remind people of this wonderful, thoughtful show, and get it the attention it deserves.

Hey Arnold! is FULL of amazing characters and stories, so BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUP, THIS GON’ BE A LONG ONE.

| City life, poverty, & crime |

At it’s core, Hey Arnold! is a show about inner city kids, their school, and how they go about their daily lives. I did some research for this (believe it or not lmao), and besides Sesame Street, there is no other media geared toward kids that touch on this. That’s insane to me. And while Sesame Street is fantastic, it tends to steer on the positive side of city life. Which is great!! However, Hey Arnold!, being written for an older audience, isn’t afraid to show the not-so-pretty side of things as well. Violence, crime, theft, pollution, and poverty are ALL covered in more than just a few episodes. We saw a lot of this right off the bat in the first episode, “Downtown as Fruits”.

As for violence, in the episode “Mugged”, Arnold is jumped on his way home one evening, and takes self defense lessons from his Grandma.

And it’s not the last time Arnold, or other characters are mugged. It’s just something they deal with, something they have to learn to protect themselves from. And sometimes, they can’t.

They don’t shy away from poverty within the city, either. Multiple characters are shown to be very poor, and with the exception of two episodes in the whole series (Lila in her debut episode, “Ms. Perfect”, and Sid when he wants to impress a rich classmate and is too embarrassed to have him over at his own home, “Arnold’s Room”), it’s never really shown as a bad thing, or even as a defining character trait. It just is.

Even our title character lives in a boarding house run by his grandparents, inhabited by tenants of very little means. The building itself is always needing repairs, the tenants almost never have their rent on time, and they really don’t shy away from how dingy some of the rooms are there (pictured above, bottom left).

But again, all of this just is. It’s never portrayed as a bad thing, and none of the kids care much about it. Of course there’s Rhonda, the snooty, rich girl stereotype, but even she has a handful of episodes where she grows as a character and is repeatedly called out for having a classist attitude. In the end, all of these kids care about each other and never give a second’s thought to each others’ social class.

| Diversity & inclusiveness |

I’m putting the rest under a read more cut so no one murders me for clogging up their dashboards :’)

Keep reading

me when i had no tools to deal with my depression and other disorders and lived a cycle that made me feel helpless, unloved, isolated, and in pain:

me now that i’ve practiced various skills to help overcome the worst of my depression and other disorders and can see my mental health slowly recovering using all of these little things throughout the day to boost my quality of life: 

New huniepop 2 girl reveal!
Technically not a new girl tho, it’s Jessie Maye!
Basically she had to retire her porn star job because she’s old, so now she drinks her heart out because she feels unwanted, used, and unloved
Her age now is 38, so this new game will take place 2 years after the original Huniepop
I can’t wait for what kyu says about her, maybe mentioning the HP1 protag, or fourth wall breaking and saying “dang man, look what you did to her! If only you didn’t play Huniepop™ ”
And I hope instead of being rough and forward, you have to be gentle, like “I didn’t know this bar let someone so young like you in!”
I love her design and the cigarette box in her waist band and the upgraded leopard print.
The original voice of Jessie, Amanda Berning, will be back to record her lines
And her boobs are basically the same but he resized them because he felt they were scaled too low in HP
I love Jessie and I can’t wait to see more about her

mild-lunacy  asked:

[part two] And secondly, how do you read Mary's presiding over the last minutes of TFP in that context, saying that who Sherlock and John 'really' are doesn't matter and only their adventures do...?

This is how I read the sort of unfortunately-worded “it doesn’t matter who you really are” line:

The theme of Sherlock as an entire four series arc is that Sherlock both is and isn’t what he says he is. He isn’t a sociopath, but he is a brilliant consulting detective who solves crimes for fun. Sherlock’s actual self, the one he himself didn’t entirely understand until the end, is not what the legend suggests that he is, but that doesn’t matter. Sherlock is actually a loving and sweet man, deeply and probably permanently traumatized by the events of his childhood. His greatness isn’t impaired by the fact that he’s the product of tragedy, that his desire to solve puzzles and crimes is a psychological wound that he picks at and worries endlessly, or that he can see through others but couldn’t see into himself. That’s not something he’s going to show off to the world, and not really something he wants people to know. That’s private, and that’s okay. He’s allowed his privacy. His greatness and his legend isn’t impaired by the fact that it’s a little bit fake. Because it’s fake in a way that is still actually true.

And we learned in this series that the same is true for John. He too isn’t what he appears to be. He’s a war hero, a moral compass, the angel on Sherlock’s shoulder, but he is capable of great cruelty, betrayal, and violence. Like Sherlock, John is permanently broken. To Sherlock, he is a conductor of light, the person who leads him to do the right thing. John is capable of profoundly failing on the moral front, but again, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t detract from what he’s capable of. He still is what he is, he conducts light all the same. In spite of the failures that demonstrate how much John is as much of a fake as Sherlock is, it’s him who transforms Sherlock into a good man he is capable of being, and it’s John who brings him peace. Even mired in the depths of his faults, John makes Sherlock better.

I’m not bothered by Mary narrating this, personally. Here’s what: a final narration can’t be John, and it can’t be Sherlock. It’s about them, not about just Sherlock, and that needs to be one step removed. It can’t be a conversation between them, either. I feel like we got the last of the frank conversations between Sherlock and John in The Lying Detective, and every other intimate conversation they have is going to be behind closed doors.

Someone had to narrate it. It’s an echo of Mycroft’s narration of what might become of them at the end of A Study in Pink. I suppose it could have been Mycroft again at the end. Mary threw herself into a bullet; I guess that final narration helps explain why she did that, why John being with Sherlock was so important. It’s because the legend is the two of them in a scruffy flat, ready to help the desperate, the unloved, the persecuted, now and always. She saw that, and she helps them to see that. And so they are.

stingeprince ponders stingy’s psyche no #98249025371674

Am i the only one who finds the Stingy parts in the ep ‘’The Greatest Gift‘’ very gut wrenching to watch?

I mean, he feels so distressed he HAS to give a gift, to the point that he’s losing sleep over it. It just keeps makes me think… 

Who hurt him? no really, what actually happened that he ended up this way? It’s just so absolutely heart wrenching to me that he really feels so unloved that he needs all his stuff at all times to feel like he’s actually worth something, to the point where he can’t even, in this case, give a gift or sleep properly.

It becomes ever more evident on the birthday party, when he gives his ‘’gift’’, an empty box, and he feels so much shame of the gift he gave, that he’s nearly crying bc of it.

it just shows to me that he does care about his friend(s), but he’s just so torn up by whatever might be going on in his life that causes him to feel this way, that he can’t get himself to give anything. Even if it upsets him, he’s just unable to give anything to anyone ever. 

The episode had a happy ending, but it still leaves me wondering ‘’Will he ever be able to cope w/ these feelings and find true happiness?’’ Or… ‘’Is he doomed to be eaten from the inside out by his unresolved feelings, eventually turning into a bitter old man who doesn’t even care for anyone anymore, and just lives to work..?’’

guys real talk just for a second

i know that reaching out when youre down can be the hardest thing

either you dont feel like you matter enough or youre not sad enough or hopeless enough and you dont want to bother anyone with what you feel ‘isnt enough’. you dont want to be a bother. you dont know how to talk about it. and thats okay, you dont have to talk about it, you dont

but please, please talk about something to anyone

dont sit there and suffer alone, please dont. reach out to me, reach out to anyone and lets get through this together

Why I Believe Rey is a Solo.

The reason I am mainly seeing to why people don’t believe she is a Solo is because they don’t understand why Han and Leia didn’t recognize Rey when they met her, so at the moment that’s the only point I’m directing.

My reply to this is always, they did.

They did recognize her.

This is the point where people go “No they didn’t??? And if they did, why didn’t they say something or act like it???”

But they did. You can see it in the way Han is amazed by how much she knows about the Millennium Falcon, or how he and Leia look at her when she isn’t paying attention. They look at her with unsure glances. How you would look at a high school friend that you hadn’t seen 10 years.

Or, how you would look at someone who you thought died years ago.

Yes, the reason they don’t recognize Rey or bring it up at all, is because they think she is dead.

Think about it, Han and Leia have two kids, and as we can see, they both have the force. It would only be logical for them to send both of them off to train with Luke, especially if the reason why they’re sending Ben off to train with Luke is because they’re scared that he has Vader in him. If Ben does, what if Rey does too? Might as well send her off as well just to be sure.

This theory also explains why Luke went into hiding.

Yes, sure. You could say that he went into hiding because he failed at training Ben. But. Get this.

Imagine, you’re Luke. Your sister sends to you her son, and her younger daughter. Most likely explaining that they were worried for Ben. So he trains them and the new ‘batch’ of Jedi, up until the point of the massacre.

Now, I believe that Kylo is just as strong and skilled as a lot of people do, but to kill all the training Jedi knights and younglings, is a bit of a stretch to me.

We’ve already been informed of this ‘Knights of Ren’ thing, but not what it is.

My theory is that he did the logical thing, and got a bunch of the Jedi to join him. Rightfully naming them, the Knights of Ren. Even if that is wrong, and they were just a bunch of people under Snoke, my theory still stands.

Anyways. Ben (now known as Kylo) kills all the Jedi. All but one. Rey. Because of course, how could he kill his sister? It’s even seen in her vision. She is lying there (as old her, but we can assume that it was really young her in the flashback) and one of the Knights of Ren, swings to kill her. When he is stabbed and she is saved, by a red lightsaber. Kylo’s lightsaber. Kylo.

He can’t kill her. She is his little sister. At this point, he isn’t strong enough in his hate or ‘darkness’. With roughly 10 years of training to be ‘evil’, he still killed his father with regret, how the heck could he kill his own little sister?

So he doesn’t. He convinces the other KoR either not to tell, or that he will kill her, and he goes off and secretly sets her on Jakku. He erases her memory and possibly gives her fake memories of her ‘parents’ leaving her on Jakku. That way he is assured that 1) She will ever be harmed. and 2) She will never be a problem.

No one knows of this but him. Luke, Leia, Han, even Snoke, all think that she is dead. And that is what pushes Luke over the edge.

Because of him, his sister lost two of the most, if not the most, important people in her life. Because he could not help Ben, his sisters kids are both gone. It makes more sense to me that he would run away because he is ashamed that he let this happen. That Leia will never be okay again. It is shame that drives him to be a hermit, not pain. We’ve seen Luke look straight into the eyes of pain. It’s not always an easy fight, but it would be easier than fighting off shame.

So when Han and Leia see Rey, it only makes sense why Han is so quick to take her under his wing. He see’s her, and he see’s the daughter he could of had if he hadn’t lost her. It explains why he looks at her with that “I know you. I swear, you are just like my daughter… But my daughter is dead.”

Not only that, but why they never bring her up. If your own daughter was murdered at the hand of your son, would you ever want to remember that? It also explains why they only talk about Ben oh so much (then again, killing a bunch of jedi usually does that)

It explains why Kylo screams “what girl?” when he hears that BB-8 escaped with a girl from Jakku, and why he is softer around her.

Another thing that came to mind when I was thinking of this, is what other people have been saying about how the lightsaber called to her. And it made me think of what Kylo says when they are about to fight. What starts the battle between Kylo and Finn.

He sees the lightsaber, and he screams “that lightsaber belongs to me”. After thinking about it, I realized something. That lightsaber is Anakin’s. Not Darth Vader. Anakin’s.

As J.J. Abrams says.

Kylo Ren idolizes Darth Vader, not Anakin Skywalker. He idolizes what Vader represents and what Vader was trying to do.

If he idolizes Darth Vader, and not Anakin, why the heck would he care so much for Anakin’s lightsaber?

Yes, you could say that it was because Darth Vader’s was destroyed or missing or whatever generally happened to it, so Anakin’s was the next best thing. But that just doesn’t make sense to me.

What does make sense, is that when they were training, Rey was given Luke’s (Anakin) lightsaber, because Luke decided that it was fit for her.

Now if you look at it through Ben’s point of view, he already feels angry and unloved from his parents, but now he isn’t even given the family lightsaber? He was the first born, shouldn’t that be his?

That theory also explains why when Rey touches it, she get’s her vision of that fateful night. (And why Kylo decided to make his own lightsaber.)

So when he is screaming “that lightsaber belongs to me!” he means it because he actually believes that it should be his.

In conclusion, I’m pretty dead set on Rey being a Solo.