we appeared on stage left, with our hands shaking, with lyrics on our lips about a girl. we stood outside in the garden and snapped our mouth shut before anything took shape. we looked at girls and said: oh no, not today.
we fell for boys. we fell for plenty of them, with their half-smiles and boundless confidence. we told ourselves that if we could just sew the cloth right, we wouldn’t end up looking so much like a body bag and maybe our parents wouldn’t be ashamed of us quite so bad.
at night, our dreams filled with girls. girls with their warm palms and gentle laughter and when we woke up - well, we cried, but it was in the shower, so nobody saw, so nobody knows, so it doesn’t count, so stop thinking about it.
we coulda sworn we heard one side of our heart shrieking under all those blankets we suffocated it in, we coulda sworn a little bit of it died every time we said, “yeah, i’m straight,” “just experimenting,” “don’t like to put a label on things,” we coulda sworn that when she looked at us with those goddamn fall-in eyes and freckles like a clover patch and that little blush that settled over her cheekbones, we coulda sworn we nearly lost it all
but we sat with our hands folded or shoved in our pockets or under our thighs and we dutifully kissed boys at sunset like how movies do it and we thought to ourselves: at least mom and pop won’t wanna kill us - we lived in houses that were full of hornets and had nowhere to run to so we waited until we were a safe enough distance that we could live the truth without being punished for it
and her eyes, her eyes, her eyes
a split between two halves does not make one side whole. a split down the center of your soul just makes every part sick.
we were just in a phase. we had no idea if we had stopped loving him because he was no longer good for us, or if we were actually just not into boys. we had no idea if she was actually abusive, or she was right and we just wanted the attention of being gay. we were sluts, or we hadn’t tasted enough so we couldn’t really know, we were all indecisive. we only knew how to love you with half of our hearts, we weren’t made from dating material, we were destined to cheat. we were only temporary, we knew nothing of being bullied, we had no idea what being pushed out of our own homes so quickly that our legs burned felt like. we must be in love with our best friend, we must have no idea what it is to love someone. we were never in the movies, never in the shows, never in books, we were just unlabled. we were looking for a threesome, for college fun, for a much better role model. we were hateful. we weren’t allowed at pride, of course, because what we are is shameful.
our mothers all have eyes that light up when we’re dating the “right kind” of person. our fathers have all spat at our feet. our “live-in partners” never get a formal introduction to our families, and we have all spent hours trying to explain: “it’s not you, it’s me, and keeping you safe from what i know is coming.” our tongues are printed with an ingredients list of explanations, of “yes, i’m still like this."
and their eyes, their eyes, their eyes, landing anywhere but our stories, landing anywhere but our poems, landing anywhere but never on us
we woke up after dreaming about a girl again, and we cried in the shower where no one was looking, so nobody saw, so nobody knows, so it didn’t count, did it, so really
I have been waiting for a long time to make this into a floor for the game. It’s one of the very first wood textures I ever found and I’ve been waiting (not patiently at all) for Sims4Studio to let us make floors. I would open the folder I had it in and look at it lovingly. I would even open it in photoshop and play around with colors and tiling. Anyway, enough about the love story between this floor texture and me.
There are 26 different versions included in the file. I could have made more. I wanted to. I want all the versions of this floor. Infinity. But I stopped at 26. Don’t want to seem obsessive.
I included pics of what it looks like without SweetFX by brntwaffles (which I use and can’t live without!) for those who don’t use it. Sorry for the lights in those pics, the invisible lights aren’t invisible in buy mode, so I just used some of Dot’s small ceiling lights.
The first preview pic and the unlabled pics were taken with SweetFX on. Just an FYI. Click on the pics to see bigger previews.
All show up under one thumbnail found under “Wood” in buy mode>floors.
Most of these are discarded concepts, while some of them have been made into dota items. Either way, I’ve been browsing my own files, and I figured if they can inspire someone else, then heck, why not upload them? If there’s any interest, I’ll dig up some more to post or something :>
Of all the 131 fics I’ve posted on this blog (the result of hard filtering, reason why I unconditionally love all of them), these are the top 25. I’ve selected the stories I re-read at least once, with no particular order, except for the first 3 (I’ve reread them at least 5 times I think)