university of new hampshire

Image courtesy of the University of New Hampshire

The University of New Hampshire has announced that librarian Robert Morin, a longtime employee who died in March of 2015, left his entire estate to the school – a cool $4 million dollars.

As the Boston Globe reports, Morin wasn’t your ordinary frugal librarian:

“He would have some Fritos and a Coke for breakfast, a quick cheese sandwich at the library, and at home would have a frozen dinner because the only thing he had to work with was a microwave,” [longtime financial adviser Edward] Mullen said. “He was a very unusual gentleman.”

But wait, there’s more … according to a UNH news release, 

Morin also had a passion for watching movies, and from 1979 to 1997 he watched more than 22,000 videos. Following this feat, he switched his attention to books. He read, in chronological order, every book published in the U.S. from 1930 to 1940 — excluding children’s books, textbooks and books about cooking and technology. At the time of his death he had reached 1,938, the year of his birth.

LIFE GOALS, people. LIFE GOALS.

– Petra

So our school is installing bedrails in every room over winter break. I wrote them a letter to thank them.


Dear bedrail installer,

 

            Thank you so much for taking the time to forcibly bestow upon me the magnificent protection offered by your bedrails. As of late, I have heard so many stories of the increasing death rates from college students falling that immeasurable height of 7ish feet. Their deaths surely came gruesomely, forever embedding their bones into the tiles below, with their fossils serving as a permanent reminder to the room’s subsequent occupants that gravity is not a force to be trifled with. We all know that the likelihood of one falling from one’s bed in their slumber increases exponentially with each inch that the bed is lifted from the ground. I can only hope that the rail is made from a strong enough material to protect me from gravity’s ever-present urge to pull me straight into the Earth’s core. These bedrails will also serve to lock me in my pillowy prison every night when I awaken from night terrors, screaming bloody murder at the thought of spending another night at risk of being hurled into the abyss below my bed. I feel as though playing “the ground is lava” as a kid could never prepare me for the dangers of my dorm room floor, so I thank you for this extra piece of protection.

After this, I hope that you can help spread my message to require all beds to be equipped with bars on all sides, finally giving this nightly cage match with Mother Nature a proper venue. I would also urge that bed tuckers be stationed in every room, who, with every shift in movement, will re-tuck students securely into their covers. These guardians of the night could also be tasked with checking under the bed and in the closets for monsters. This may sound extreme, but in this post-9/11 world, we really can’t be too careful. In fact, feel free to leave a few extra rails in my room, as my current domicile has an abundance of free space that I would love to fill with superfluous nighttime accessories.

 

Love always,

Kurtis