universe humor

Looking at the same Scooby-Doo scene before and after a cutaway is like switching between alternate universes, except the differences are things like 

  • Sandwich shapes
  • Whether you own a fish
  • How much you look like a gremlin cosplaying Sleepy Gary
  • The size of yellow cardboard boxes
  • Where you like to sit on chairs
  • The existence of paper sacks
  • How much of a v-neck your nightgown has
"37 Slogans For College Majors If They Were Actually Honest"

Accounting: selling your soul for money.

Aerospace Engineering: “it actually is rocket science.”

Anthropology: it’ll get you laid, but it won’t get you paid!

Archeology: if you don’t know what it is, it’s probably ceremonial.

Art History: and you thought making art was pointless!

Astrophysics: “Eh, I’m within an order of magnitude…”

Biochemistry: spend 4 years aspiring to discover the cure for cancer, and the rest of your life manufacturing shampoo.

Chemistry: where alcohol is a solution.

Communications: “we’ll teach you everything you need to know about convincing your friends that your degree is actually meaningful.”

Computer Engineering: tons of chicks, just not very many.

Computer Science (for a straight girl): the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

Creative Writing: because job security is for pussies.

Criminal Justice: we’re here because of Law & Order reruns.

Dental Hygienist: “something to do until you get knocked up.”

Engineering: the art of figuring out which parameters you can safely ignore.

English: so you want to be a teacher.

Film: forks on the left, knives on the right.

Finance: “accounting was too hard.”

Graphic Design: no, we’re not artists.  We’re designers; there’s a difference.

History: history may repeat itself, but you definitely will.

Information Technology: let me Google that for you.

Journalism: learn how to construct an argument that no one will listen to.

Latin: because useful is overrated.

Linguistics: studied 17 languages, fluent in none of them.

Marine Biology: “I wanted to play with dolphins, but I’m looking at algae instead.”

Music Performance: if you don’t hate yourself, you’re doing it wrong.

Nursing: learning to save others’ lives while struggling not to take your own.

Philosophy: think about it.

Photography: it’s worth a shot.

Physics: “everything you learned last week was wrong.”

Political Science: your opinion is wrong

Pre-med: “I’ll probably switch majors in two years.”

Psychology: good luck doing anything until you get your Masters.

Speech Pathology: we have a way of making you talk.

Statistics: where everything’s made up, and numbers don’t matter.

Structural Engineering: because architects don’t know what physics is.

Zoology: because you can’t major in kittens.

3

Code Yellow: If a Diamond is running somewhere, their Pearl is entitled to borrow any nearby vehicle that can provide them with greater speed.

I was thinking, what would Pearls do if their Diamond just started straight up running?

…Being a Diamond’s Pearl is tough.

How lucky am I that of all the paths to cross, I stumbled upon yours. Out of all the universes I could’ve made, I got to create one with you. Life is funny like that, and I tend to enjoy it’s humor.
—  @endlessunicornsauce

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

—  Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
“For all your educational needs, visit scenic State University.”

“We may not know which state we’re in, but we promise it’s a good one.”

“Probably one with a lot of water. We don’t remember.”

“Our state-of-the-art facilities accommodate the needs of only the best and brightest–

–terrifying, faceless monstrosities.”

“For all you humans with faces worried if you’ll fit in, though, don’t worry! Our groundbreaking new video corruption technologies make everyone’s clothes–

–look like they were run over by a tank, so you can bond over appearing to have survived some great war.”

“Begin your educational journey today at today at State University. We May Not Know Which State We Are… But We’re Definitely Yours™”