unicorn habitat

This week on How Disappointing is My Unicorn? expectations are lower than ever. Can contestants live down to them?

This unicorn sets lawns on fire and fills the shower with shot glasses.  It steals forks and never uses headphones.  That is not the smile of an animal it’s safe to leave unsupervised.  2/10

This unicorn hasn’t paid library fines in years. It keeps the books under its bed and tries not to think about them.  Everyone tells it it’s too young to have worry lines.   6/10

This unicorn follows strangers home and will not leave. It eats the towels and replaces the furniture with armchairs it found by the side of the road.  It’s just trying to help! It has some paint suggestions it thinks they’ll really like.  3/10

This unicorn’s natural habitat is on a couch with the blinds drawn, Friends reruns playing somewhere in the background.  It drinks 8 cups of coffee a day and has never seen a vitamin. 4/10

Best not to move when this unicorn is around. Draw its attention and who knows what’ll happen. Broken windows, slashed tires, phone calls in the middle of the night where it breathes threateningly down the line. 8/10*

*Judges too intimidated to give lower score

This unicorn disqualified for being disappointed in you and not the other way around.

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