ungrateful heart

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Dear universe,

May I say something that could be considered out of turn but that is sincery heartfelt? Would you help me to make sense of this life of mine?

I walk around this planet with this huge heart of love. I just wanted to see if you might be able to show me a way that I can give all this love away that lives inside of me. I just want to give it away and I don’t want anything in return. It really is all for free. It’s not that I’m ungrateful but this heart full of love feels so heavy on my chest so therefore I cannot carry it much longer. In the end, whenever I no longer walk upon this land, I just want someone to think of me every now and then. And perhaps someday I will truly understand that this heart full of love that has been giving to me was never really mine to keep.

Boom.

I know what you feel. 

Makes you feel guilty, on how much indifferent we are on making our du’a.
_____

Indeed, countless times we ask of Him for things that would give us temporary happiness, but we barely ask for such du’a as above.

We are too deluded with the presence of this dunya that we tend to forget the permanent abode, the Hereafter.

Do you not fear the day you’ll stand before Him with all these sins you have?

Do you not fear the day you’ll stand before Him not being able to answer any of His questions?

Do you not fear the day when there will be no Light except the Light of the Qur’an, and how much of your day do you spend with the Qur’an?

Do you not fear the day when everyone else will leave and it will only be you with the questioning of the angels!?

O You, who calls himself a Muslim, do you not fear the day Death will approach you!?


Are you prepared enough to meet Allah in this condition of yours right now? Drowning with sins, Ungrateful heart, A soul that does not repent! 

You are in the blessed month of Ramadhan! Allahu’akbar! You are given this beautiful gift of being showered upon forgiveness upon forgiveness yet your soul do not take heed! 

How can you just heart the adhan with the excitement to just take pictures to put on instagram and say “iftar day1″ without even minding making dua?

How can you just go on saying “i’m fasting” but all you think is what time will be iftar, without even reflecting on how the fasting disciplines yourself.

How can you just let the people pass by you as they go to the masjid to pray taraweeh while you just stay where you are checking your twitter news feed or liking statuses on your facebook?


How can you be so unmindful of your ibadah!?

Remember the Sahabah RA would spend the rest of the year just to prepare for this blessed month, and how countless times would they make du’a that they reach the blessed month of Ramadhan!

There are millions of Muslim people who made du’a to reach this blessed month of Ramadhan, you might not be even one who desired to approach this blessed month, but you are here

Allah chose that you reach this beautiful month of abundant mercy, but look what you are doing? 

Wallah, I leave this blog with a question taken from the Qur’an on surah Infitar, verses 6-7:

“O mankind, what has deceived you concerning your Lord, the Generous,Who created you, proportioned you, and balanced you?”

Now, ponder hard.

______

And we pray that Allah helps us on making the most out of this Ramadhan and that through it we find ourselves getting closer to Him each passing day. May He forgive us all and accept our good deeds! Amin

Zohayma


Fairy Tale Meme: 3/10 Fairy Tales- La belle et la bête

“Yes, yes,“ said the Beast, "my heart is good, but still I am a monster.”

“Among mankind,“ said Beauty, "there are many that deserve that name more than you, and I prefer you, just as you are, to those, who, under a human form, hide a treacherous, corrupt, and ungrateful heart.”

From Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont, Beauty and the Beast

Should all else come down in glorious thunder
I’ll pray that you hear, once and for all
The whisper of a scarlet trance tossed about in the warm breeze
When sticky May forests give way to slender mushroom stalks
Don’t forget to curtsy most politely
The sleeping titans yield no mercy to ungrateful eyes
Our hearts threw themselves at the bare feet of revolution
Begging in the manner of the unnamed protagonist to cut the fuse
I asked you, “Was she right after all?”
Tradition carves our names into the feet of our grandfathers
But we hid ourselves from sight
I fret desperately to escape the guillotine; this brass alter 
Beauty and humility drown reason in a gruesome and dishonest manner

‘He Is Clearly Not More Powerful Than I Am’

Magnus, Raphael, Ragnor

My blog has been kinda negative the past couple of days and I’m sorry about that. I usually try to avoid that because I like my blog to be a safe, relatively drama-free place. As a token of my apology, please enjoy this quick drabble based on episode 12 of Shadowhunters.

(Also, please ignore the whole Ragnor dying thing. It never happened)


‘Can you believe the Shadowhunters think Ragnor is more powerful than I am?’

Si.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Did you seriously come to me looking for reassurance?’ Raphael asked. He had been sitting on the couch in his bedroom reading a book, but now he looked up, raising an eyebrow. ‘Because I thought you would have learned by now.’

‘Oh, of course, how could I forget,’ Magnus said. ‘You’d argue that Ragnor didn’t have horns if it would benefit him in some way, wouldn’t you? You’d stand in the middle of the pouring rain and tell me it was sunny if Ragnor said so.’

‘Don’t pout, Bane,’ Raphael said. ‘It makes you look incredibly childish.’

Magnus scowled. Of course he shouldn’t have expected support from Raphael. What had made him think he should? Occasionally Raphael had the good grace to say something nice to him. ‘Your hair doesn’t look as ridiculous as usual,’ or ‘I actually don’t mind spending time with you today,’ or ‘I’m not offended that people think we’re friends.’ But if it was a competition between himself and Ragnor, Raphael would always take Ragnor’s side.

‘I’ll ask Catarina instead,’ Magnus said. ‘She’ll agree with me.’

Raphael made a noise of non-committal as he returned his attention the book in his hands and clearly did everything he could to pretend Magnus wasn’t there. But as Magnus was about to leave the room, he looked back and caught Raphael smirking.

‘You’re still a brat,’ Magnus said.

‘You are still childish,’ Raphael said, still not looking away from his book.

Keep reading

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Core, core, ‘ngrato, 
t'aie pigliato 'a vita mia, 
tutt'e passato e 
nun'nce pienze chiu!

Ungrateful heart, 
you have stolen my life. 
Everything is finished 
and you don’t care any more!

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One of my favorite scenes from The Sopranos was when Jackie Aprile Jr. died and Uncle Jr. sang at his wake. He sang this beautiful Italian song about an “ungrateful heart.” It was such a heart breaking scene. He sang it so beautifully. Here is Dominic Chianese singing it like he did in the show. 

It’s absolutely beautiful. If you love the Italian language and some heartbreaking lyrics I definitely recommend listening to it.