As he stepped out of the pipe and jumped onto the grass, Mario wiped off the sh*t stains from the travel and noticed the calming breeze as he began his walk toward the Mushroom Kingdom. Like most days, he was forced to hammer down on some goombas, screw over a couple shyguys’ plans to dispose of him, and become intoxicated with pyrotechnics after ingesting some strange flowers he found inside a questionable box.
Once he got to the palace, Toad let him in as Mario wanted to see the pretty Princess Peach, but he was too late. She was nowhere to be found. It seems as though the dastardly Bowser already kidnapped her.
“What. The. F*ck?!”
This event happens more often than it should. Time after time, Mario often rescues Princess alone, sometimes with Luigi and sometimes with Yoshi, but the Mushroom Kingdom never responds appropriately. The Kingdom’s Army is a joke. They’re all little underlings with mushroom hats and no real skills except for one. The technology is outdated so security systems are nonexistent, and nobody even notices she’s missing sometimes.
“I’m just a f*cking plumber too!”
At the same time, the gold always remains, and nobody else gets kidnapped. Bowser and his minions never seem to take anything else.
As he thought about this, he said to Toad, “I’m tired of this. I’ll just relax and wait until tomorrow to get her. Bowser doesn’t even do anything to her when he kidnaps her except keep her in a cage or something. I’m tired of cleaning up your kingdom’s mess. She needs to stop letting herself be a victim.”
Immediately after he said this, the Princess, who had simply decided to shower in a different bathroom on the other side of the palace, came up from behind.
“EXCUSE ME? DOESN’T DO ANYTHING TO ME? RESCUE ME LATER?”
After smashing Mario in the face with a radish, she went on a tearful diatribe, sharing stories of Bowser’s sexual assaults on her, that “cage” of fetishes, and the revoltingly bizarre way that he makes her call him “Mr. Bowser” as he dons a human mask.
With angry tears, she yelled, “YOU NEED SENSITIVITY TRAINING, MARIO.”
She then talked about how her role as Princess has been meaningless. Her father makes all the decisions, and because nothing valuable ever gets stolen, nobody finds it worthwhile to invest in new methods of protecting her except adding another Toad clone to her front door.
“Everyone thinks it’s a joke that ‘the cute wittle pwincess gets captured by the scawy gween beast’, but it’s frightening. I’ve been traumatized. Do you think I want you to always have to rescue me, huh? DO YOU?!”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know…”
“It’s okay. I’ll never be anything more than a pretty face for this Kingdom.”