underground eats


December sales are always wild to look at in bookselling – here are our top ten bestselling books from our busiest month of the year. In crayon, of course.

1. Levi dreamt of meat in the Underground, eats it finally as a captain; stops as his dreams become an abyss full of teeth & human flesh.
2. Farlan was always fond of alcohol, even the shittiest swill; after his death, Levi drinks wine too sweet & toasts w/ a curse by himself.
3. Soldiers shoot sparrows for sport; Levi is broken bones & flightless anger until Erwin puts a moratorium on it.

Levi resents pity.
4. Levi knows the heat of blood, the stench of human refuse, dirty water in the street.

Erwin’s sweat is strangely clean, precious as salt.
5. Levi never thought he’d reach old age–still doesn’t–but planning has become the ultimate luxury.

So he does, privately, for two people
6. The four corners of the year are something Levi marvels at, but he never forgets that dirt is dirt, whether mud or ice.
7. Uniforms stifle w/ austerity; Levi refuses humility & wears a cravat, but he learns that everything is a noose–bolo ties, fancy collars.
8. Nakedness is what Levi learned led to death–frozen corpse or vulnerable shell–but he revels in it now; not all skin is made for harm.
9. Joy is dangerous, like sweet liquor & love, tempting the sky to close up w/ night & clouds.

Levi sleeps at Erwin’s side, eyes open.
10. Levi learns that there is no end to freedom–not after Erwin–& he dreams lullabies of impossible things, sky, skin.

—  “Indulgences” - a series of twitfics written on a commute (1/13/17)

honestly you guys should absolutely hit me up for storytime okay because my upbringing was a sitcom of hilarity and you should take advantage

  • my dad was almost 50 years old when I was born. it was a complete accident. my mom had been told she couldn’t even have kids because she was too old. literally, I am not shitting you, when the doctor told my parents that she was pregnant, they said in unison in the middle of the doctor’s office “you’re shitting me.”
  • I grew up in an underground house. literally underground. it was built into a hill. there were like two windows in the entire building one time a tornado hit and we had no idea it had even happened until we walked outside in the morning and there was a tree on our lawn
  • my dad looked at the tree for like 5 solid minutes, then went, “I need coffee” and went back inside
  • we lived in the middle of the woods, basically. there were 70 acres of forest on three sides, and a tiny town (like 300 people) about 10 minutes away. our neighbors consisted of a hermit and another hermit who was obsessed with shooting clay pigeons
  • my mom is a wiccan who wears muumuus around and spent most of my junior high / high school years as a professional blogger who taught apocalypse preppers how to preserve vegetables
  • my dad is 6′3 ex-military and terrifying but in actuality is a Fluff who will not stop rescuing animals
  • literally
  • one time he rescued a turkey who had a dislocated neck, so his neck was literally crooked but he grew up to be the biggest turkey anyone had ever seen and as a small child I would ride him around the farm
  • we rescued two baby goats from a nudist colony (I shit you not) and bottle fed them and they thought they were dogs and enjoyed belly rubs. one time I brought a boyfriend home and Bulwinkle rammed him in the crotch and so I had to go to prom alone because my date dumped me over a goat
  • I never got to swim in my pool as a kid because my dad used it as a snapping turtle tank (he eats snapping turtle. it’s a thing)
  • as a kid I got into entomology but my dad loved it and would spend his days running around the yard catching butterflies
  • other animals he rescued: a baby raccoon. a baby deer. a baby coyote. flying squirrels. snakes. pigs. that one time he traded a six pack of beer for a cow. dogs. cats. pheasants. chickens. rabbits. we had so many animals as a kid
  • my best friend from high school had a pet lion until it got too big to keep in her house so she gave it to a big cat rescue. her family was crazy.
  • this is the tip of the iceberg my friends I am not even kidding 
The Signs As Mythical Creature Versions of Real Animals I Made Up


Aries: Wolf // It has scarlet-red fur and ears the size of a grown-man’s hand. They use their crystallized fangs and claws to dig underground. They eat gold, silver, and other precious gems, so they are known to have a sixth sense like a metal detector, and only stay in one place for a little bit.

Taurus:  Hare // It has a very furry blue coat and big marble eyes. They can smell up to 60 miles away and they’re faster than the speed of light. They eat ground rocks and pebbles by streams or creeks, which is why they live in hidden burrows next to the water source.

Gemini: Kitten // It has smooth and silky cotton candy pink fur decorated with chocolate brown stripes, and eyes all black, like a demon’s. They may look adorable and defenseless, but they could paralyze you with one scrape of their claws (which have a venom inside). They can dive up to ten miles under water without getting their fur wet. They only eat Seaweed and are known to live on beaches.

Cancer: Hedgehog // It’s quills are various shades of green, blue, and purple, and their fur is a heather grey. Their eyes are a tie-dye version of the same colors they have for their quills and they can see things underground. They eat seashells, and live underwater in the ocean. They’re sometimes referred to as the aquatic version of hedgehogs.

Leo: Skunk // It is a fluorescent shade of red on it’s fur, and it’s stripe, claws/teeth, and eyes are all a snowy white. They use their ‘spray’ (which had a modified range of scents, including: roses, cinnamon, or peaches) to put their predators in a daze. They eat flower petals and live in grassy meadows. 

Virgo: Bird // Their beaks and talons are a mysterious black, with feathers a deathly purple. They have a wingspan as long as double doors and they when they flap them hard enough they can create a gust of wind to ward off predators. They eat tree branches  and live in the sky, atop clouds.

Libra: Dear // Their fur is streaked in various shades of orange, with eyes a flutter of yellow and red. Their hooves are solid red and yellow (the hoof diagonal / opposite is the same color) and their kick is five-times more powerful than a speeding train. They eat stones anywhere from hard-concrete to limestone and live anywhere from the Roman Coliseums to the Egyptian Pyramids.

Scorpio: Cheetah // They have silky black fur with golden spots and eyes. They can emit an aura when threatened that will poison anything within 5-foot-radius. They only eat tropical fruit (bananas; coconut; dragon fruit; etc.) and live on an island shaped like an eye in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.

Sagittarius: Fox // Their fur is a patchy mix of turquoise and pink, however their eyes are checkered emerald and violet. Their entire inside of their mouths, their ears, claws/fangs, and the tip of their tails are bleach white. Another thing about their tails: they’re three times larger than the usual fox tail, and they have six; they use half of them to defend them in behind, and they throw the other over their front legs for defense/offense. The tails work as whips  and help, especially, when they are cornered. They eat coral and live in the sides of cliffs that edge the water.

Capricorn: Monkey // They have lime green fur with dark green streaks; their crystal blue eyes highlight the lightness circling their eyes. They lash their tails to freeze their predator and then proceed by blasting scorching winds toward them from their hands. They eat only the seeds of butternut trees which is why they live in the southeast of Canada.

Aquarius: Tiger // It has peach and pink-highlighted eyes with blue stripes and red fur, purple hints mix around the stripes. They can cut through cement with their abnormally long claws. They only eat Humus soil, and they live in the ancient Aztec tunnels of Mexico.

Pisces: Zebra // They have white and pink auburn eyes. Their fur is black with illuminating pink stripes that glow in the dark, and their mains are made of white spikes they shoot when threatened by another mythical creature, as they are not offended /scared by normal animals. They eats lily pads and found in the ponds of America, usually hiding in tunnels they built under the sand/dirt surrounding their food source.

I’m going to the Underground Eats dinner party event at The McKittrick hotel (of Sleep No More fame) this Sunday and the attire is themed 1939 Worlds Fair. Needless to say I’m very exited about it.

Need to remember to pick up some elbow length gloves this weekend.

ideal woman

naked all the time
has almost no hair
nice, large teeth
lives underground
eats mainly tubers, which can weigh up to 1000x their own body weight
is a naked mole rat

come and bring the spring
in the old mattress
this poem is going
in slow motion underground
a bear is eating down town a lettuce
behind that bush
monsters are picking blueberries
for the wild at heart
my brain exudes a strange odor
I find it hard to survive this days
melancholia is licking my amazing heart
sadness is the state of grace
my thoughts are floating among the brightest stars
same bear is eating down town a lettuce
and slowly, slowly
I’m falling in magic with this poem