All the Doctors, out of ten
Apropos of absolutely nothing, I’ve decided to provide to you the absolutely definitive system of numbering the Doctors, score them out of ten and provide key strengths and weaknesses. I do this for you, because I love you. Although not affiliated with the BBC, I’m quietly confident that they’ll be sticking to my list as canon going forwards. So here we go.
1.00 Grandpa Danger
Mariocki-o-meter: 10/10 - the original design, a classic. Curious, reflective, a learner.
Strengths: Can kill a man with a rock.
Weaknesses: Will kill again.
1.01 Grandpa Filtch
Mariocki-o-meter: 7/10 - imitation is the sincerest form of flattery..
Strengths: Now in HD!
Weaknesses: Time-travelling immortal now stuck in the 1960s.
1.5 Doc Hollywood
Mariocki-o-meter: 8/10 - six foot none, and tons of fun.
Strengths: Now in glorious technicolor!
Weaknesses: Highly confused, claims to have invented the TARDIS in his back garden.
1.83 Uncle Grumpy
Mariocki-o-meter: 6/10 - tired and confused (relatable).
Strengths: Sass master.
Weaknesses: It’s the hair.
2 Giddy Aunt
Mariocki-o-meter: 10/10 - fun time trickster, hiding genius under a bushel.
Strengths: Highly flexible, loyal, jowls for days.
Weaknesses: Easily spooked, a worrier
3 Karate Aesthetic
Mariocki-o-meter: 10/10 - so extra it hurts, gadget mad petrol-head.
Strengths: Good in high speed pursuits, master of self defence, charmer of royal beasts.
Weaknesses: Best friend is also worst enemy, terrible at spotting disguises.
4.00 Big Billy Bass
Mariocki-o-meter: 10/10 - genuine alien, toothy maniac, scarf owner.
Strengths: Fierce moralist with a sense of fun.
Weaknesses: Accumulates companions with age, possibly Too Mad.
4.5 Waxy Boy
Mariocki-o-meter: 5/10 - strong, silent type.
Strengths: Subtle, dependable, turns up for work.
Weaknesses: Can’t handle the heat.
Mariocki-o-meter: 8/10 - waltzes straight out of a Renaissance nightmare and into canon, with barely a “Wait, what?”.
Strengths: Knows how to make a killer entrance and exit, makes for an original cosplay.
Weaknesses: Hard to read - not very expressive. Needs to exfoliate, like, yesterday.
5 Tired Space Step Dad
Mariocki-o-meter: 9/10 - picks up strays, prone to Drama.
Strengths: Youthful energy balanced by maturity and wisdom.
Weaknesses: Didn’t notice one of his strays was trying to kill him, forgot he owned a Robot Pal.
That was part one, stay tuned for part two of the only Doctor Who ranking system that Stephen Moffat never described as “single handedly the greatest thing ever done by anyone, ever”.