I would like to know the story behind Tucker and Church if you have one.
Ooooohohoho man i was wondering who was gonna go for that and hokay *cracks knuckles* bear with me cuz this is leeeeeeengthyyyyyyyy
(but also a quick warning, there’s implied sexual assault)
Tucker and Church first met in freshman year of college at a university in Austin. It was in a mandatory but absolutely bullshit and useless freshman/first year seminar class, the professor was incompetent and rude and stuck up, and after so many times of being docked on their grades or told to get out of the classroom, you can’t help but bond with someone over that kind of mutually shared spite and loathing over a professor. Around their sophomore year, Tucker got the brilliant idea that they should GTFO of Austin for Spring Break. so they snatch up the credit card digits off of Church’s asshole of a dad to buy themselves cheap ass coach seats to fly to the west coast in search of the Promised Land that was getting hella drunk and getting LAID. The first two nights were comprised of exactly the drunken debauchery you’d expect from every stereotypical 90′s college movie.
but on the third night, Tucker, tipsy, wanders off to the beach by himself, stumbles upon a funky rock in the sand that, when he picked it up, turned out to be a mysterious glowy sword that, to this day, he doesn’t actually know what it does or what it can do, other than look badass. Picking up the sword is regarded as A Terrible Idea, as a deep-sea mermaid dubbed Crunchbite had been looking for that exact sword to lay claim on it, only to find they were beaten to the punch by a drunk college student. Go figure.
So using the best and oldest trick in the book, Crunchbite honks at Tucker. Tucker may not understand what they were saying, but Tucker *knows* a insult to his grandma when he sees one and he is not one to let someone slander Grammie Bernadine, and he’s especially drunk enough to go punch them for it, so he gets about waist deep into the ocean water when Crunchbite drags him down into the water. When he comes to later, Tucker realizes he has a fishy tail, a hangover, and the distinct ugly feeling that he needs to watch his back around Crunchbite. And for a while, he’s pretty alright, mermaids are cool, this is cool, hell yeah, he’s got a sword, he’s way more badass than Ariel, suck it disney! But, he also comes to the conclusion very quickly that as awesome as the sword is and the novelty of the idea of being a mermaid is, it is going to be incredibly lonely to remain that way. So Crunchbite makes him a deal; find a way to break his ownership of the sword, and Crunchbite will see about finding a way to make him human again. Spoiler alert: they don’t find a way to break his claim on the sword, and Crunchbite decides to take their feelings on that matter out on Tucker while he’s sleeping, a fact of which Tucker still won’t acknowledge or let himself think about years later. Fucker didn’t even tell him how to become human again, or that the shape-shifting legs trick was only temporary.
Meanwhile, on top side, Church woke up in pool house, hungover, and distinctly aware that Tucker was missing. After four days of searching for him but finding no Tucker, he’s in a panic because his best friend has been MISSING OR FOUR DAYS AND THEY ARE OUT OF TOWN until one morning Tucker’s in the sand, no tail, and he smells like he practically marinated himself in the ocean for days. They argue about where he was, why he wouldn’t answer Church’s texts or phone-calls, and Church notices that as they are walking to their motel, Tucker is getting sicker, and paler, and his skin is cracking, and then he’s vomiting, and by the time they get to the motel, he’s shoved Tucker into the bathtub overflowing with water, has gone to the tiny ass mini fridge to get water, and comes back to a seahorse mermaid in their bathtub, whose skin has re-hydrated back to a healthy look, but he’s still throwing up, and oh god is that a pouch why is it growing, Tucker why do you have a tail, what the fuck iS HAPPENING
(from that day forward, Church had sworn off ever drinking Everclear.and body-shots… until Tex kicks ass and takes names and comes busting down the door into his life, and then he just swears off Everclear)
They’re still stuck in the motel another few days because a) they misplaced the credit card and don’t have a car, and b) they are both actually deeply concerned about how the stress of maintaining temporary legs and forcing himself to deal with severe dehydration for such a journey might kill Tucker or the little squishy baby growing in him or both, and oh yeah, he’s definitely showing he’s pregnant, Church is freaking out because “Tucker how the FUCK did you gET PREGNANT“ “How do you fucking THINK I did Church I got fucked, asshole” “BUT HOW YOURE A DUDE” “APPARENTLY WE DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SEAHORSES” “THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU AND WHOEVER THE FUCK USE A CONDOM FUCKASS” “BECAUSE HE’S A MERMAID FROM THE NIGHTMARE AND CTHULU PLAYLAND ZONE OF THE OCEAN CHURCH THE WORD CONTRACEPTIVE DOESN’T EXIST UNDER THE SEA” “DID YOU JUST MAKE A FUCKING LITTLE MERMAID REFERENCE” “SHUT THE FUCK UP CHURCH”
anyway, they “rent” (read:steal) a boat and go out to sea so Tucker can try and find Crunchbite to demand some actual answers and results for turning back human, and also just to punch that fucker in the fish’nads. Instead of Crunchbite, they find Crunchbite’s clan, who, as soon as they see Tucker, pregnant, with the glowy sword, they aRE PISSED THEY ARE PISSED OFF AT THE FUCKBOIYERY THAT HAS BEEN DONE TO TUCKER THEY ARE HONKING WITH SUCH FURY THAT A MAN LISTENING TO THE SONAR ON HIS SHIP WAS SUDDENLY ASSAULTED BY HONKING EVEN THE BOAT CHURCH WAS ON GOT ROCKED BY THE SHEER FORCE OF ENRAGED HONKING but to be honest, they hadn’t seen Crunchbite in a while, they’d actually gone missing. last they saw them Crunchbite was honking at a fisherman who was really really REALLY fond of knock knock jokes.
*cough little did they know that crunchbite got swept away by a storm and washed up on a beach to be found by a border patrol that featured a certain sea witch disguised as a human wearing orange who kept saying lets kill it, and a former mermaid wearing green who tried to convince the others hey lets not kill it but then they killed Crunchbite anyway cough*
so back at shore Tucker and Church keep arguing about keeping his squishy or not, to the point that Tucker nopes out into the sea. Church goes back to the motel to try to cool down, but bumps into a local and his service pup–THAT IS NOT A PUPPY THAT IS A FUCKING BEHEMOTH. And then said local and their service behemoth almost ruins his otherwise smooth attempt at flirting with the kickass lady he had met at one of the parties for spring break. Tucker gets so distracted by being angry that he swims right into some fishing nets. A local spots him, and helps untangle him from the nets, and well, he can’t pretend he’s not a mermaid when the guy had to get handsy with him to get him out of the net, so Tucker figures it can’t hurt to be honest with the guy who just helped him, whose name is Donut, who starts gushing because OH MY GOD NOT ONLY DID HE JUST RESCUE A CUTIE PATOOTIE MERMAID BUT HE GON HAVE AN EVEN CUTER PATOOTIER MERBAB SIGN THIS LIGHTISH RED BOY UP FOR THAT BABY SHOWER. “uh, actually, given how quickly lil junior’s growing in there, i don’t think we’ll even have time for a baby shower.” “Nonsense, Tucker! There’s always time for a quickie!” “hmm, yeah I guess you’re ri—-wait what”
Tucker and Church stay in Blood Gulch for the obvious reason of the baby coming and that Church comes up with excuse after excuse after a fabricated doctor’s note after fabricated doctor’s note (he’s never bee so thankful to be a computer science major) to get them out of trouble with the university. By the end of the month, though, Church has to go back to Austin for school and because of family, unknowingly when Tucker goes into labor. When he comes back a few months later, it’s with the news that everyone either thinks Tucker died, caught some super-evolved std, or that he’s just otherwise unable to come back to Austin for health or family reasons. Also, Church decided that college was bullshit and he doesn’t need a degree when he’s already fuckin smarter than literally everyone else around him when it comes to technology and gadgetry anyway. Within the year Church moves to Blood Gulch, starts an off-and-on relationship with Tex, who strong-arms him into telling her the truth about Tucker, and after some friction they bond over beer, drunk shenanigans, and bitching about Church.
*throws up confetti* and that’s the tale of Tucker and Church!
“When I was in the first grade, our teacher had us write about what we would do if we owned Disney. Being the Little Mermaid freak that I am I said I would make a TLM ride. When I found out that New Fantasyland was gonna open up a Mermaid ride I remembered that assignment. Now every time I go the Magic Kingdom I have to ride it. That ride is a literal dream come true”
Because people are being very rude and I want to cheer people up:)
The Avengers Iron Man Iron Man 2 Iron Man 3 Thor Thor: The Dark World Captain America: The First Avenger Hulk The Incredible Hulk Fantastic Four Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer X-Men X2 X-Men: The Last Stand X-Men Origins: Wolverine X-Men: First Class The Wolverine Blade Blade II Blade: Trinity Spider-Man Spider-Man 2 Spider-Man 3 The Amazing Spider-Man The Amazing Spider-Man 2 Daredevil Elektra The Punisher Punisher: War Zone Man-Thing Ghost Rider Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
batman begins the dark knight the dark knight rises
Did someone say Disney?
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Fantasia Pinocchio Dumbo The Reluctant Dragon Bambi Saludos Amigos Victory Through Air Power The Three Caballeros Make Mine Music Song of the South Fun and Fancy Free Melody Time The Adventures Of Ichabod and Mr. Toad Cinderella Alice in Wonderland Peter Pan 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Lady and the Tramp Old Yeller Darby O’Gill and the Little People Sleeping Beauty Swiss Family Robinson 101 Dalmatians The Sword in the Stone
Mary Poppins That Darn Cat The Jungle Book The Love Bug The Aristocats Bedknobs and Broomsticks The Million Dollar Duck Robin Hood Herbie Rides Again Pete’s Dragon The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh The Rescuers The Fox and the Hound A Disney Christmas Gift The Black Cauldron The Great Mouse Detective Oliver & Company Who Framed Roger Rabbit The Little Mermaid Ducktales The Movie - Treasure of the Lost Lamp The Rescuers Down Under Beauty and the Beast The Nightmare Before Christmas Aladdin -The Return of Jafar Aladdin The Lion King A Goofy Movie Pocahontas Toy Story Aladdin and the King of Thieves James and the Giant Peach The Hunchback of Notre Dame Beauty and the Beast - The Enchanted Christmas Hercules Winnie The Pooh’s Most Grand Adventure A Bug’s Life Belle’s Magical World Mulan Pocahontas II - Journey to a New World The Lion King 2 - Simba’s Pride Mickey’s Once Upon A Christmas Tarzan Toy Story 2 Winnie The Pooh-Seasons of Giving An Extremely Goofy Movie Buzz Lightyear Of Star Command, The Adventure Begins Dinosaur Fantasia 2000 The Emperor’s New Groove The Little Mermaid 2-Return to the Sea The Tigger Movie Atlantis The Lost Empire Lady And The Tramp II - Scamp’s Adventure Mickey’s Magical Christmas-Snowed In at the House of Mouse Monsters, Inc. Cinderella II - Dreams Come True Lilo And Stitch Mickey’s House of Mouse - The Villains Return to Never Land Tarzan & Jane The Hunchback of Notre Dame II Treasure Planet Winnie the Pooh-A Very Merry Pooh Year 101 Dalmatians 2 - Patch’s London Adventure Atlantis 2 Milo’s Return Brother Bear Finding Nemo Kim Possible - A Stitch In Time Piglet’s Big Movie Stitch! The Movie The Jungle Book 2 Home On The Range Kim Possible - The Villain Files Mickey Donald Goofy-The Three Musketeers Mickeys Twice Upon a Christmas The Incredibles The Lion King 1-1.5 - Hakuna Matata Winnie the Pooh - Springtime With Roo Chicken Little Disney’s Christmas Favourites Kim Possible - So The Drama Kronk’s New Groove Lilo and Stitch 2 - Stitch has a Glitch Pooh’s Heffalump Movie Tarzan II Bambi II Brother Bear 2 Cars Leroy & Stitch The Fox and the Hound 2 Cinderella III - A Twist in Time Disney Princess Enchanted Tales - Follow Your Dreams Enchanted Meet The Robinsons Ratatouille Bolt The Little Mermaid - Ariel’s Beginning Tinker Bell Wall-E Tinkerbell and the lost treasure Princess and the Frog Up Tangled Tinker bell and the Great Fairy Rescue Toy Story 3 Phineas and Ferb: across the 2nd dimension Winnie the Pooh Cars 2 Mars needs moms Frankenweenie Wreck-it Ralph Brave Tinkerbell Secret of the wings Planes Monsters University Frozen
Your a wizard Harry
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part One Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part Two
LORD OF THE RINGS
lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring lord of the rings: the two towers lord of the rings: the return of the king
The hobbit: an unexpected journey the hobbit: the desolation of smaug
Funny movies that’ll give you a smile
white chicks 21 jump street freaky friday the hot chick just go with it pitch perfect the parent trap she’s the man mean girls the goonies due date you again easy a date night wedding crashers superbad bridemaids without a paddle Juno Without A Paddle Whip It Adventure Land Friends With Benefits Project X Sex Drive Mean Girls 17 Again Alice In Wonderland (Remake) This Is The End Wedding Crashers It’s Kind Of A Funny Story Tropic Thunder Roll Models Evan Almighty The Breakfast Club
Did you know? There is a hidden Nautilus in the queue for Under the Sea ~ Journey of the Little Mermaid. The Nautilus carving is a tribute to the ride that used to occupy that same expansive space, 20,000 leagues under the sea.
“I’ll be 23 next year and I’ve never had a significant other or been kissed. I often get sad about it, but going on the Under the Sea-Journey of the Little Mermaid attraction at California Adventure or the Magic Kingdom helps me remember that, just like Ariel and Prince Eric, everyone has their time to find love. It especially makes me happy when I go past the ‘Kiss the Girl’ sequence and see them falling in love. I don’t know why this scene is so special, but it always lifts my spirit.”
NOW THESE are impressive and worthy of being 21st century dark ride figures. I love the expressiveness so much, Under the Sea Journey of The Little mermaid would benefit so much from figures like these. I can’t wait to see how Snow White looks, I hear she is twice as impressive.