I’m glad that so many people were able to wish me a happy birthday last Sunday, but at the same time I’m extremely sad that there were certain people I couldn’t spend my birthday with for one reason or another.
I know I should probably move on from them, but I can’t. Whenever I was upset about something, I went to talk to @dongelmeister, and he’d understand. But then he suddenly decides that it would be funny to watch me literally (and I mean that in the actual definition of the word) go mentally insane by “procrastinating” any sort of response, until I feel like screaming to high heaven for just one sign from him that he’s still alive, but nothing ever comes, and I start having thoughts of self-harm brought about from the stress of my internet life and the stress of my family and personal life. I’m sure that’s not his real intent, but I’m still scared and worried about him all the same.
And then there’s Chester and Uncle Marc. I expected Chester to die one day, but not soon. I knew he was sick, but I thought he was gonna get better. His brother, Tommy, is alive, but I still would’ve liked to have both of them alive for a little while longer. Uncle Marc’s death was even more surprising, and even more cruel and unfair. He had just finished heart surgery for something which was treatable, and suddenly he just died a week or so later because of some complications with his heart. He was one of the nicest people I ever had the pleasure of meeting, and he was the one who got me into the history of films. He was only in his mid-60s at the time, and the funeral felt like it lasted for an eternity because I was so depressed. It doesn’t help that I was a pallbearer, and it still kind of feels like I’m still figuratively carrying the weight.
My birthday felt like a brief instance like they were still with me, and that everything was right with the world, instead of how it feels like everything is falling apart at the seams.
I just wish I could feel like that all the time. I just wish I wasn’t such a wreck after 2016. I just wish I so many beloved people didn’t die these past few years. I just wish I didn’t feel like I was constantly on the verge of a complete mental breakdown every 12 hours. I just wish I had Chester, Uncle Marc, and @dongelmeister back. I just wish things were happy and simple again.
I found out today that my uncle passed away, my fathers brother. Though I hadn’t spoken to him in a couple years, it hit me harder than I expected it would. I knew him only through brief encounters and conversations over the years, yet there was always a connection between us - at least for me. It began when I was a little boy and he showed me how to play a couple chords on his Fender. I thought he was the absolute coolest, because he was an excellent guitarist and I wanted nothing more in the world at that time than to play the guitar.
There was a lot of darkness in his life, and a lot of brokenness, but despite this, whenever I spoke with him or hung out with him, I always got a feeling that he was chasing something bright and beautiful. That despite the darkness, he was always running down some new dawn, something eternal and just out of reach. He was thirsty for life and its interesting offerings. I saw a lot of myself in him. That desire for more, that constant reaching for a bright horizon. And I think when I heard the news about his passing, this flooded over me. Like a piece of where I come from was taken, and I didn’t know it yet as well as I wanted to. Like there was still more to come. And I thought of my Dad, and I thought of my brother.
Anyway. This image is for my Uncle Marc, may he rest in peace.
Hello dear Marc. Maybe you'll not see this but, I wanted to know if Captain Lance will ever became "friendly" with Oliver again... I mean, Lance is very upset with him, there's any happy scene between them coming up? Have a good day uncle Marc! (Sorry for the English, I'm Portuguese)